I just had a situation that is causing me to question this philosophy a lot. Where on one end, I feel that complete transparency is the most masculine thing a person can do and express. It is the quintessential trait of a leader to me. I just did this in a relationship that was not really going my way on one end (I got friend zoned basically for being too old for her parents), but I did accept a friendship with this girl as I see her as a valuable person to invest time with... until recently -

Below is how my thoughts fleshed out.

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I dont understand how being honest with someone in a non-confrontational way can result in them being so defensive. I have always found that this is the best way to resolve tension between people as it brings everything out in the open.

I was dating a girl whom I had incredible chemistry with and now it is the worst relationship ever. I don't understand where it went wrong. Whereas she made me so happy before I feel like she brings me down to a pathetic level right now. I feel like this is the essence of being AFC. Here is the most recent detail:

I was very involved with a girl who just friend zoned me. Since I have been "friends" with her I have only been getting irritated. She wanted to talk to me tonight but I had apprehensions. I just voiced all of this to her in what I thought was the best way possible. I was being completely honest and transparent - two things that I find to be the most respectable things one can do. I told her how I felt and told her that the reason I had been distancing myself from her lately. This of course being that she has been disrespectful at the core.

She responded thinking that I was attacking her, that "I did not want to talk to her anymore", and that I am "breaking her down". I try to explain to her that I have the most genuine and loving intentions here but she doesn't get it. I tell her that I am giving this to her for introspection which she blows off. (I have spoken with her friends about this and they agree that she has changed for the worse since starting college.)


One one end, yes I am sort of "pouting" about the disrespect but in being completely honest, I feel that it is weaker and in the long run worse for me to hide the emotion and act like it isn't there. In every experience I have had almost, this has gained some traction with people and helped change our relationship for the better or at least move it in the right direction. In this, we end the conversation awfully, she deletes me off her Facebook, etc. and totally punishes me for my honesty. My gut tells me that this is just her being a pouty immature little girl and that I should wait it out a few days before placing any judgement on the situation. Granted, she has probably never had anyone be so brutally honest with her like I just did (she is only 19) so she is acting on instincts still and doesn't see the value. Regardless though, it really hurt me after the conversation and I am debating whether I should have just continued to put on a fake persona with her or really express the feelings. I feel like I've burned a bridge her which was the exact opposite of my intention.

Update:

I am pretty torn up about the whole thing and even more so that she is cutting all of these ties on the internet etc. I voice this to her. She responds saying that "I am probably right that the age difference has affected things… [she] feels like [she] has conformed to the immature setting [she] is in…"Im not mad and hope your not mad at me… I hope we can reconnect in the future. etc." She sent this in a really formal fashion. I can't tell if she is just trying to patch things up between us or is really genuine about this.


This all boils down to should we be transparent, honest, and factual when it comes to areas where we are dissatisfied or "play the game" which to me means sort of beating around the bush.

I would love some clarity from anyone who sees it here as well as I am still slightly confused.

Honestly, is she really worth all this trouble? I mean, you said it yourself, she's acting very immature, and age is not an excuse. Regarding honesty and transparency, i also believe in both, but here's an important detail: you should know when, to who and how much you are going to open up. Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying you should lie, but you should never be so open so soon with any woman ever. Let them be the first to open more, and if they are not doing it then you shouldn't even waste time with these kind of people.

she is a bitch

she has figured out that she can have a bunch of guys around her and tie them around her little finger

and then there is you:

a strong, honest, masculine presence

she is too immature that what you offer is what she really wants and really needs

she believes that she needs men to bow at the altar of "her" and you aren't doing it, so therefore you are THE DEVIL

get it?

she is fucking dumb

move on

find a chick who isn't retarded

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

This really sums it up to be honest. I do feel like she is stupid in this regard. Probably why she says her relationships suck. Her IQ has gone down the drain. Thanks

She thinks she can click her fingers and you will come running

get with some other girls and watch your value shoot through the roof and her wanting to come back, at which point you either tell her to go fuck herself or get with her on your terms, or with any luck you will find a decent girl and forget all about this one

Honesty and the like is a good thing in a relationship, but you don't need to feel compelled to tell everyone, everything, all the time. If you were just friends, there are things that can be left unsaid simply because of the nature of the relationship. The closer you are, the more invested you are, and the more open you should be.

She is acting immature, possibly proving that her parents were right all along. You are letting it get to you way too much. If she apologized, accept the apology and move on.

If she is worth being a friend to, she will come around to see it your way. Till then, take the advice here and meet some women.

Both are limited.