Background
- so my girl and her ex broke up because of distance. They dated for a year, we're friends before they went out. Now we've been together for 5 month, we see each other everyday, she sleeps over lots of times and is very close to my family.

My concern
I feel like she still have feelings for her ex. She told me she still wants to remain friends with him because he's helped her with her life so much. I let her but we've had problems of them sweet talking. So I was on her Facebook and I saw this message.

He sends her a text daily prayer verses and since she didn't have a phone he sent it to her on Facebook. I guess she appreciated that so much... Check out their convo

Him : the verse
Her: I freakin love you
Him: I was worried I called and your phone wasnt working.i called "her bestfriend" and I was even gonna call your brother, but didn't know what to say.
Her: "the bestfriend" doesn't have her phone and brother is out of town but I love you
Him: oh yeah, I love you too shawttty aha
Her: pray for me i got so much hw,I love you more hehe
Him: later on.. I guess you went to do your work. Goodnight

What should I do, I've had this talk with her where she can't be this open to other guys cause she used to do this with other friends too. But this seems different [/quote]

It is different. Because Reverend Lovejoy has seen her naked.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it do a backflip (or sumdin like dat...).

You can't tell this girl how to feel or dictate whether she talks to this guy. You've just got to accept the way she is and whether it's bothersome enough to make you leave.

Do you want to know if she prefers you? Are you anxious to know if it was just distance that made them hang up their love spurs? You're probably scared because hey, what if the answer isn't the one you like?

If I were you, I'd want to know, considering that she's your girlfriend and if all pans out, you'll end up spending thousands of dollars on her in the future. Tell her you're walking. She's not mature enough to date you, and wish her luck. No yelling or arguing, make it as clean-cut as possible.

If she goes to him, even briefly, forget her. But if she doesn't, and she tells him off, you'll know it's for real. The best part? You won't have to sit around and convince yourself you're okay with this guy gaming your girl when clearly, you're not.

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

I disagree. Breaking up with someone shouldn't be a tool you use to emotionally manipulate someone into doing what you want them to do. The reason is, MOST people will temporarily respond to a break up and do whatever you want, but you haven't solved the actual problem. You can't expect a lasting decision to be made in an emotional freak-out state of mind.

You also have the problem of snooping on her Facebook. Instead of directing all your energy into being the best you can be, you're trying to game the odds by finding dirt on your significant other. So, if you're trying to use the dirt to get your girl in line, you lost. Find someone you can trust so you don't have to waste time worrying whether she is still in love with her ex (because that convo does not look promising).

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- Lux et Veritas -

i've got to be honest, this may or may not be a problem.

it is completely possible that her relationship with him as morphed into a sort of brotherly, yet adoring, platonic form.

the issue at hand is more so the language being used and the amount of contact being exchanged.

the reason i have a little bit of insight on this is because i now have a relationship with my ex like that. we've been apart for 3 1/2 years now. we were together for 11. i've got every reason in the world to hate her for what she put me through. but i'm just not angry with her anymore. in the last year, she lost her baby daughter and has had some very extreme life problems.

we now have a sort of close platonic relationship. texted are exchanged almost daily. sometimes she tries to flirt, etc. but i don't reciprocate. i don't want that. hell, i wouldn't touched her with a ten foot pole if court-ordered to.

the point is, if someone were to see the way we relate or read the texts exchanged, they might assume there is something going on where there isn't.

so, what i'm saying is DO NOT assume that she is cheating on you or is IN LOVE with him. she might be in the process of creating an actual healthy EX relationship with this guy.

you just need to tactfully insert your "standards" into the situation of what makes you comfortable/uncomfortable, what you feel is acceptable/unacceptable. she should comply as long as you don't overact and as long as she's not a cheating whore.

good luck!

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Thanks, Mack. That is a better explanation than the one I posted. Was feeling a bit snarky last night.

I've had (and still have) female friends that will talk to me in this way. Lots of "love you" this and that. I've never been romantically involved with them, but like Mack posted, it could look odd to a girl I might be dating at any given time.

Also, now that I reread your post, I'm not sure where I assumed you were snooping on her FB. The way you worded it, seems more likely this was posted on the public wall, and was not a private message. In which case, this is more than likely harmless and platonic.

In the end, if you cannot swallow your pride on this one, and you cannot trust her enough to let it go, sit her down and talk realistically about it. That is always a better option than playing sideways emotional games.

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- Lux et Veritas -

Mack could be right. Or he could be dead wrong.

To me, the truth is in the visibility of the relationship. If she's talking with this guy and you're exposed to it, then it is completely on you to decide if you're comfortable with it, or not. And once you decide, it's on you to communicate your position to her. Once you've done that, the ball is in her court, and you can base your future moves on her actions.

For instance, if you tell her that using that language makes you uncomfortable, (note that you're telling her how you feel about it, not that she can't do it), she then will know how her actions are affecting you. If she chooses to continue to do something openly (or worse, not openly) that knowingly bothers you, then you can decide how you're going to react to that.

The ideal situation in a committed relationship would be for you to express what you don't like, and for her to be committed enough to stop it, not because you demanded it, but because she doesn't want to hurt you. Anything less than that, IMHO, gives you a good reason to make a clean break and try to find a better partner for you.