Met her online, been texting back and forth for a few days, she is too far to meet up with anytime soon. I did a great start to sexual escalation and then it flopped, and I wanted to understand why.

-unimportant fluff up to here-
her: You going to bed early??
me: Don't know, why?
her: In case I wanted to have a phone date later ok
me: Aww so cute you want to have a phone date with me?
her: haha
[7:36pm]
me: If you really want to make it interesting. Do you have FaceTime?
[8:32pm]
me: well I won't be up all night
her: I do lol
me: cool well I'm cooking dinner at the moment but if you want to chat after I'm done I'm up for it
her:
[9:30pm]
me: Ok FaceTime me at [email address]
me: also my email address
her: Isn't FaceTime on your phone
me: yeah but the battery is almost dead
me: so I was going to use my iPad
her: Or we can just wait because I don't know how to work it any other way
me: I can prob just put your phone into my iPad. Hold on
[I try calling with FaceTime twice, fails]
her: Oh do you have your phone on wifi?
her: It works I'm making my bed
[I call on FaceTime twice more, fails]
me: I'll give up and just regular call you
me: tried that and you didn't pick up call me
[somewhere around 10 more minutes has passed]
her: You couldn't wait for me to make my bed lok
me: Oh
me: I didn't think it would take 10 minutes
her: lol ok phone date?
[I should have just called her here and been done with it, but I didn't]
me: How big is your bed the size of a small planet?
me: so was FaceTime working?
her: lol no... I was moving mattress pads around
me: What you said you were making a bed not building one
me: LOL
her: I have 2 beds in my room at the beach and I took the mattress pad off of one and stacked it on the other for extra comfort lol
[ This was a good lead in that I took advantage of, still should have called above though]
me: lol if you were in my bed I'd stick a pea under your side to test your skills
her: If I was in your bed I feel like I'd likely be preoccupied
me: Oh?
me: You'd be moving my damned mattress around!
her: lol not the mattress
[perhaps I could have done this step better? I don't think it was awful yet]
me: I doubt you would ever make it as far as the mattress >:-)
her: Oh? Whys that
me: You'd be pinned up against some wall between the front door and the mattress
her: Oh really?
me: Really. you said you like a good kisser
her: I happen to look adorable on a bed
[ I actually make quite a brilliant move at this point, I realized that she likes sending cell phone pictures of herself]
[ 10:30 pm ]
me: I won't believe it till I see it
her: [picture of herself in bed]

me: Well I'll be damned I could eat you all up you look so adorable on that bed
her: lol mhmmm
[this next bit was possibly less smart, I don't know]
me: I've got a comparison shot- even have my new outfit on
me: [picture of myself in bed]
[ I am generally less enthusiastic about sending pictures of myself, but I'm doing this all to learn new things, right? perhaps not the best idea however? ]
her: adorable
[~10:35pm]
me: So are you going to call me? I'm still waiting
[11:05pm]
me:But not for much longer... You love wearing black don't you?
[11:35pm]
me: Sweet! I just got all the pictures from my photo shoot
[this ties back to an earlier conversation, I did a photo shoot for better profile pictures... seemed like a good way to spend $50, this is where I stopped saying any more here is where I stopped saying any more.]

I probably messed up again somewhere around or after that 10:35pm line. Can I get any thoughts on where I went wrong?

Turns out it wasn't what I thought. She had only fallen asleep. Of course, then I really did blow the set in the morning! In some of the fluff section from my earlier post I mentioned I was doing a photo shoot yesterday.

-morning-
[9:33am]
her: I fell asleep. And are you going to show me? And no I don't wear it that much anymore
me: I just uploaded them on okcupid you can look there and tell me what you think
[whoops! should have just used picasa or facebook in the first place]
her: No thanks
me: Huh?
her: I don't have them on my phone so I can't just send them to you...
her: I have your number I'm not going to creep your okc to see pictures you are uploading to catch the eyes of girls.
[9:33am]
me: Look we've been talking a couple days and I really like you, but if you can't handle me putting a couple pictures up on a website at this point I understand, but I'd rather not misrepresent myself with pictures from when I was 20-22 now that I am 25.
[9:55am]
me: Here is the link to the pictures on picasa, some of them are a bit goofy [link removed]


She's a cool girl and I'd prefer not to just drop the set but this looks like it will be very hard to recover from! If not, lesson learned, and I'll just keep on looking with the help of my newly improved profile photos!

I staged a nice recovery and got things back to where they are. Some here may say that what I did is AFC, but it got our conversation back on track by appealing to her sense of empathy and self image and tying it back to the very reason I've come back to these forums.

[10:53am]
me: Look, there is something very important and deeply personal you don't know that will explain how you've got me all wrong. If you're an understanding person and will here me out everything will make a lot more sense.
her: Ok. That's fine. I like to think I'm generally understanding
me: I just got out of a 3 year relationship last week and I basically had no pictures with just me, and I found that painful. So, I did this photo shoot as part of moving on with my life. If that makes me a creep and you don't want me to bother you anymore I will understand and leave you be. If you can see why that's actually a sign of personal strength, I would love to continue what we've started.
her: I absolutely understand what you are saying and I know it's hard... I've been there. But may I ask, are you ready to move on?
me: Of course, I can totally understand your concern. I didn't take that sort of decision lightly and ended it when I was ready to move on.
her: Understandable. So you would be looking for a relationship in general
me: Yes. I wouldn't have brought up my prior relationship up for some time, but I didn't want to give up an opportunity with someone I've been getting along with so well due to a misunderstanding.
me: I can also understand why any smart girl would reach that conclusion. I see all the "not looking for random hookup" stuff in profiles and I know what kind of men are trolling around these sites, but I promise there is the occasional diamond in the rough.
[ I decided that's all I needed to say, and tried to resume the previous conversation ]
me: So I guess you must have slept well on your double mattress if you fell asleep like you said?
her: Yes I absolutely did. I slept till 11 which I haven't done in years. And thank you for telling me. It's not even that I'm not looking for a hook up. I'm really not looking for casual dating either. I'm only telling you tho to be honest. I want a serious relationship. And I don't mean rushing into it... But I want to be with one person and get to know them on a very deep level and hopefully it leads somewhere good ha
me: Works for me. Haven't slept till 11 in years? I used to sleep later than that all the time.
-conversation continued normally from here-


I turned it around by being genuine, honest, showing vulnerability, but not desperate or outcome dependent. Perhaps some would call some of the specifics AFC but I'm not really looking to establish mLTR or string together tons of hookups, so it worked for me.

Any additional comments or advice on how I can improve?

I just did a very brief day2 with HBRed. I went to the beach for labor day which is a bit of a drive and on the way back took a moderately sized detour to visit HBRed. We had been talking while I was at the beach and she wanted a picture of me. It was cloudy and I knew a picture wouldn't come out as well as I'd like so I said she could see what would be in the picture in person on Monday. Here us the relevant conversation:

me: I got to the beach after a sunny morning... and it is cloudy.
her: Aw
[several hours later]
me: Man I passed out on the beach and was totally gone lol
her: sunburn?
me: No thank goodness I had suntan lotion. It felt great though.
her: Good going to show me you in a bathing suit?
me: If you play your cards right you may not need a picture . maybe.
her: What does that even mean lol I sent you one!
me: What's better than a picture of a guy in front of you?
her: Well you aren't here right now
me: True. I'll see if I can get a good one tomorrow it is dark now
her: Alrightttt
me: Haha I know you must be super disappointed
her: I am
me: Here I will send you a consolation prize [sent picture of me clothed]
her: ...
her: >:(
me: lol why so angry?
her: You're clothed.
me: You can fix that Monday.
her: Nope.
[shit test]
me: Your right it's against my rules
her: Your rules?
me: Yep
me: No funny business
her: Uh huh
me: Why do you have a problem with that?
her: I don't
me: Great. How was your day?
[she was asleep or away from her phone at this point so didn't respond]

She started out by saying she was really tired bc she couldn't sleep the night before due to nannying. So, she laid in her bed and said I could sit wherever. HAHA like I'm going to sit somewhere, I go to lay right next to her and she says that's her side. I could take this as a shit test but I don't care so I just hop on the other side of her, lay right next to her, and put my arm around her. She cuddles up to me and says "I've only had you here 7 minutes and I already have you cuddling with me".

We chat a bit about whatever and eventually we reach a moment of silence, so I ask her the question "Would you like to kiss me?". She starts laughing so I take that as a yes and kiss her. She then says we can't kiss, remember it is against your rules. I take this as a shit test and kiss her again anyway. She occasionally kisses back a little bit but then becomes very resistant. She keeps saying how she won't be able to control herself if she kisses me too long, and how it is against my rules. I look at her as I try to think of an alternative method to escalate, since this is not a situation I've run into before. She is actually tired so she keeps closing her eyes for a bit then opening them.

She also keeps looking at her phone because she is meeting up with someone later (wtf?) and will need to get ready. I assume I will join them at this point. She keeps telling me to stop looking at her because there is nothing to look at, and I tease her about it as I continue to think of an alternative. She says she is naughty and can't do anything, and that I have this look on my face that I'm up to no good. This obviously means she wants to advance but I need to find another way. I finally decide to breathe softly and warmly on her neck which she tells me to stop but clearly likes it. This breaks through her resistance to kissing me and we start making out and I escalate to dry humping. After about two minutes of this she says she wants to show me the pictures upstairs. I "agree" and keep going. Eventually she becomes very persistant about it and tells me to get off of her. I say fine, lets look at the pictures upstairs. I realize I probably could have cave-manned further at this point but I didn't care.

We went upstairs and joked around about the pictures, and she said we should each say something about ourselves. She said she had something to say but it was too dirty. I told her to tell me, and she said she has a vibrator in her dresser. I took this and escalated to mention one that I had with a remote control for the guy. She said if I stopped it during an orgasm she would kill me. I say its not like that, you put it in and go to a restaurant then I can turn it on any time I like. She is amused by the idea then says she has to go get ready to meet the other person and asks if I want her to get my shoes. I say we will both go because that will allow isolation again.

Once we get down there I say something along my original assumption of "Where are we going?". Then she drops a surprise, oh you are leaving I can't bring you with me. At this point in my head I'm like wtf because I went an hour out of my way and then we only chilled for 3 hours. I make a face and she says, I knew you would be mad. I am mildly pissed but I swallow it and act like its no biggie. I head out and she takes me down to my car, I get her to get in the car as a way to test that she will still follow what I say then drive her back to her door. I then resumed the remaining drive home from my trip.

The good:
- I had much better faster escalation, worked past some resistance
- No nervousness when I asked "Would you like to kiss me?".
- Getting around the rules shit test
- She says she will come down to me next time

It seemed she was checking that I was not an AFC on a deliberately short visit to make sure I pass her tests. That way she could kick me out if I was and never talk to me again if I fail, or set up a more extensive visit with a lot more escalation next time. I *think* I passed.

The bad:
- She seems to be seducing me as much as vice versa so I'm not sure everything will apply in future situations with others.
- Took quite a while to find an alternative way to escalate
- Did not figure out how to avoid the going upstairs bit

The ugly:
- She had something else set up for later after I had a long drive, which she never mentioned until after I arrived. WTF?


Questions for you:
- How do I prevent this other friend shit she pulled to get rid of me?
- How do I improve my escalation? I figured I had more time so I think I could have progressed further