I have received very bad news today.

A.N. is coming to town from the East Coast, and staying for about 10 days.

A.N. is a college friend of J. She has been honest enough to admit she liked the guy when they first met. she never escalated, and never did he make a move. eventually things ended up in the friend-zone and so they stayed for the last 10 or so years. In those 10 years, A.N. got married and moved to the East Coast, J had a bunch of ONS and a boyfriend, and then eventually started dating me.

I had the pleasure of meeting A.N. on my third date with J. And cannot find enough negative adjectives to describe him. He is unpleasant, arrogant, full of shit, ...., and unfortunately enough a good friend of my GF. On the aforementioned date, A.N. and I ended up having a huge argument over some random piece of legislation that I cannot even exactly remember, and in general a lot of friction, apparently trying to AMOG each other. I excused myself to J for making the situation uneasy for her later that day. which won me some points, since N. never did.

Now, two months later, the adorable dude is coming back to SF for work. And staying 10 days in town. Of course, J knows I am not enthusiastic about the whole situation (your BFF is coming to town this week - she said).

I have played it cool saying that I am sure this time shit will work out better, and whatnot.

I do not want to end these 10 days being resentful, jealous, and full of anger. But I know that I am naturally headed in this direction since I despise the guy and cannot smack his face.

I am pretty sure I will have to meet the guy, which makes me uncomfortable. I am also pretty sure that he is going to hang out with J, which also makes me uncomfortable. In summary, his presence makes me uncomfortable, whether I am around or not. But I have to live with it for 10 days. How do I deal with this? Tips, tricks, hints, ...?

I thought about the No-Fly list but I lack the right connections to the DHS...

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nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)

hey man, I had a similar thing last year with my housemates girlfriend visiting, we just didn't get along at all.

I would say, the best thing to do is be ultra passive the entire time. Don't rise to A.N. comments, just ignore A.N.

I found, walking to the bathroom and taking 2 mins in there by myself and just taking a few deep breaths to calm down before going back out to be sociable helped a lot!

Sadly, this is the only way I can think of that allows you to become the "better man" as you are not rising, and if J sees that you are calm, relaxed and trying to enjoy yourself rather than being "resentful, jealous, and full of anger" she will reward you. (assuming J isn't the type to get all wet over fighting)

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

T

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Give a man a woman, he gets laid for a night.
Teach a man to be a PUA he can get laid for life.

most definitely not.

thanks for the hint man. I will take it.

anyone else with confidence boosting, good plans, or simply useful connections to the guerrilla?

_________________
nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)

When I was little, I hated going outside in the rain. My mom used to ask me: "are you made of sugar"?

Are you made of sugar?

100% exact diagnosis. I am pretty confident he does not want to close J, but it's definitely a case of two AMOGs fighting.

I will make my best effort to be unaffected.
"I am so much better than him that I do not even need to prove it"

I will keep you guys posted.. the dreadful arrival is tomorrow

PS Yes, we spoke about the door TonyKing. If shit really becomes bad I will consider using it. Hopefully, now that I am J's boyfriend rather than a casual 2-week date, he will behave more properly.. and I will be able to keep my temper and let it slide..

_________________
nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)

I'd be looking at this as an opportunity to show my gf how awesome I am by behaving by example. Don't rise to anything, be fun, be cool and be on your guard so as you don't get sucked in by comments that WILL surface.

Her BFF comment shows that she knows there's the potential for conflict. Prove her wrong and let the other guy AMOG himself by starting shit that bounces straight off you.

thanks to all who have encouraged me on this, and posted suggestions and feedback

the arrival is tomorrow.

my mind frame, on which I have worked throughout last night and today:
- the guy is a jerk, but he is not threatening by himself. he has had 10 years. if he was meant to sleep with my girlfriend, he would have done so by now.
- once we all know I do not need to feel threatened sexually by the guy, why would I worry about him?
- I have been chosen as boyfriend, for the person I am. as long as I am that person, and am confident in my position, there is nothing AN can do or say that will shake that.
- I am the only one that can make him higher-value, by reacting to his bullshit, feeling threatened, showing feelings of inferiority, being an insecure beta.
- if, on the other hand, I act cool and unaffected, I will defuse him. whatever he does, it does not phase me, because "I am the chosen boyfriend" and he is "forever friend-zoned never to feel the warmth of the pussy".

hopefully I can stick to this for 10 long days...

_________________
nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)

i would just leave for ten days

go on vacation

alone

problem solved

she could have all the time she wants with her BFF

she fucks him? she can have him

i would move on

but there is no way i would be put in that obnoxious, contentious situation

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

I usually like your style, but this time I think your solution is equivalent to fleeing. it subconsciously communicates "there is no way I can live up to A.N., so I will go somewhere else in order to avoid my weakness."
no no - I am staying and dealing with this the proper way: ignoring the bullshit.

of course, if your girlfriend does not have an unpleasant BFF, I envy you.

_________________
nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)

When I read my own post I realised it could have come across the wrong way.

I think you're making too big of a deal out of this. "Disdain things you cannot have: ignoring them is the best revenge". (48 laws of power by Robert Greene)
You're creating an issue by giving the matter too much attention. Ignore the matter and the issue will disappear. The advice given in this tread is great. Now give yourself some mental peace. Get that insecure line out of your signature and enjoy the next 10 days like you would any other --- not one cloud in the sky.

AN arriving today in SF.

I am joining J and him to dinner and happy hour. I invited myself with the excuse of "we had a rough start, let's make up for it - I want to be nice and avoid conflict so the previous bad encounter will be forgotten"
J complied with my desire to ride along, and in the end I even convinced her it was the best thing to do (how much shit I can get away with.. it's impressive ). of course, she suspected I just dislike AN, but I persuaded her otherwise with my amazing conversational skills.

I will definitely not be riding along for the whole 10 days, but at least the rest of the week J and I are fully scheduled together, and we already have a date setup next tuesday (which is going to be a day-long date for our 3 months dating, but she doesn't know that yet )

My plan for tonight: be a social robot, nice, friendly, warm, and not react to whatever bullshit AN might throw my way. if successful, that will establish my frame in J's mind, and I will definitely feel more confident for the remaining 9 days.

I am going to use this thread as a journal. Hopefully it will end up with some useful worthy lessons for any PUA whose girlfriend's BFF he despises.

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nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)

hobbit,

you see negativity and animosity in my replies where there is none.

you are finding what you are looking for.

i am not telling him to leave his girlfriend.

i am saying that i would not put myself in an uncomfortable situation for ten days to prove that i am more amog and capable of "maintaining a frame" than some douchebag guy hellbent on making my life hard.

i would honestly tell her to have a blast and go do something else.

you see anger where there is none.

about the most honest thing he could do is say "i do not like this guy. he rubs me the wrong way. i'm going to do something else. have fun. love you. smooches."

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

I have been arrested for murder in the first degree. Now being deported to Guantanamo!

no kidding... I won the first round. We hung out with the dude, went to dinner, to a bar, and then to the swimming pool in his hotel.

In all fairness, I will say he has been less of a jerk than the first time I met him. I still find him intolerable for extended periods of time, and I deeply look forward to him leaving. At least he has not tried hard to evoke a negative reaction.
After the fact, while driving home with J, I told her I thought he had been much more respectful and that, as I had told her, it was all good, and there was nothing to worry. And she had to agree. "I would not want the guy to be my best friend, but as you see all is good" I told her
Her theory is that he was being a protective friend the other time because we were still in the very early casual-dating stage. My theory is that the guy is a jerk full-stop. But I will not share that.

Bad news is that he is not done hanging around, so I need to keep this good friendly frame going on at least throughout this week.

In all sincerity, the last 10 minutes my thoughts where along the lines of "will this jerk ever shut up? is he even able to try and say whatever and shut the fuck up? does he have to have his say even on the way his wife moans when he fucks her??"

_________________
nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)

status update from last night:

went to a huge party in the city with J. AN was riding along.
more tension than the previous night, but no major nuclear blast.

a recap of the incidents:

1) we were playing a game where a person reads a card and other people have to provide a connected word. the person who reads the card then picks what he/she feels as most connected to the original word.
J reads her word, slight sexual innuendo to it. AN jumps on it. "I will win this because I know the way you think". she reads all the word cards, and realizes which one AN had given her. picks it. Made me upset, but I did not show it. That would have been buying into the jerk's frame. And I own my frame: I own the pussy.
Five minutes later I isolated her to the dance floor, and got rid of AN for quite a while. Good move there.

2) during dinner AN and I were discussing the low quality of transit systems in the US. he excuses himself to the toilet and J comments "tense moments with the two of you?", and I am like "not really, just talking", "yeah, not your fault. I just don't like people arguing". I did not like my next comment a lot, but it just came out of my mouth: "well, if you feel like it, I can totally shut up. So your friend can have his way. Since we all know that I might shut up and just say yes, but he won't". She laughed and hit my leg.

3) AN is pushing to go to Berkeley today. We have other plans in the city today and there is an interesting event in Berkeley tomorrow. I think I have successfully pushed my way instead of his, by being rational with the reasons why it makes sense to do things my way rather than his. We'll see.

Right now, J is in bed sleeping and I am on the couch writing this report.
for the record, I banged her pretty good last night. Her comment after the deed was "You attacked me like a lion. You were so horny"

_________________
nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)

and on the third day, the drama finally came

AN, J and I were planned to go see the new SPAM movie last night. Saturday morning, he texts J and says he has already seen the movie alone Friday night, and that he was glad he had seen me.
Needless to say, this put J on a guilt trip. So she texted back saying it was OK and whether they were still going to hang out some other time.
Several hours later, in a bar, she told me he had never texted back to that and looked guilty/worried.
I told her "look if that is what you want you know what we will do? tomorrow I will go home and we will not see each other all the rest of the week so you have all the time you want to spend with your whining BFF"
what god me mad was that this jerk was so clearly being manipulative and she was falling for it
she did not decline my offer, and said it might have made sense for her to spend some time alone and catch up with her friend.
what ensued was a huge fight. initially over the fact that she was over-prioritizing her friend over me, and that he is playing mind-tricks to make her feel guilty and to sabotage our relationship (which she denies, but to me is as clear as the sunlight at midday)
then I also added up to the lot that whenever she has a problem, an issue, whatever shit going on, she can, and should come to me and talk to me about it, that I am not just there to fuck her and hang out in funny places, but I should also be supporting her with problems.
of course, you can see whatever friends you like, including AN, but do not over-prioritize any of them over me, the person you say you love, never, because it gets me mad, I told her.
I added that if she does not share these things, I am ready to walk and will get over her, and am fine with it.
She said she does, and that she will hang out with her friend in days when she is not scheduled to see me, which is fine by me. But that I need to understand that she is an independent woman and has a lot of friends. Both of which I am fine with.
She also added she was feeling weird because we have not been using a condom for sex lately (it's bad, true, she is not on the pill, in a bad moment for a pregnancy, and I rely on being able to stop before coming) and that sometimes the whole "nice Jewish guy" thing comes back. I agreed to use a condom from now on if she feels so bad about it. But she needs to get over the Jewish-shit or break-up. She said she does not want to break up. And that when she has those ideas she has doubts, but the rest of the time she is 100% sure that she loves me.
All this time she was crying.

She then went to the restroom and got back and was crying. I told her if she wanted an hug. So we hugged and I told her, "one day you will realize that I love you" and that got me emotional and won a few tears from me. she saw that and hugged back and kissed me.

the whole argument was pretty strong, and I hated having it. whereas she said in the end it was good because she had weird feelings before, and now she felt much better.

we had dinner, and during dinner we were chatting and I asked her "is it so fun to be an independent woman?" and she said "no I am just used to it" and started crying. I hugged her and said she should rely on me in the future. "I forgot it" she replied.

we then went to see the movie, and she was cuddling me a lot. "post-fightal cuddling" I called it.
there also was good post-fightal sex (with a condom this time) that she wanted in spite of an headache (every guy's dream in this respect). I made sure to give her a good number of clitoral orgasms before banging her - and I very strongly suspect she got at least one vaginal orgasm

before sleeping, the last thing I told her "do not ever push me away, it gets me mad" and she replied "I was not pushing you away" - "you were. you did it when you wanted to stop seeing me for the S affair*, and you have it done it today. never do it again. it gets me mad". her last words: "I do not want to get you mad" and we feel asleep.

* the S affair is when I told her I was sleeping with another girl, S. because she was not willing to commit in a relationship. that finally won her into an exclusive arrangement - but before we had that talk she wanted to stop dating me because of the other girl

aftermath:
a) I probably started an unnecessary fight. I could have driven my point home much more calmly "look, you can see your friend whenever. he has to understand that I am an important part of your life and not going away. if he does not understand that, it's his problem, not mine, not yours. if he has issues with you because of me, it's not our problem. if he is truly your friend, he will see you, and work WITH our dates, not AGAINST them. now stop worrying and have fun" - but I am a very straightforward person. if I see shit, I have a hard time not calling it shit.
b) in spite of the fight, she could not deny I have made serious attempts at being friendly at the jerk friend. good work there.
c) I am dating a very feminine emotional creature. Even more so than I thought. I need to keep my eyes very open.
d) drama makes for good sex
e) part of me thinks I should have stuck with my initial idea "I will leave tomorrow morning". logistics were troublesome. but I have a feeling that if I had stuck with that, I could have had her beg me to stay by the end of the night. I am open to feedback on this.

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nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)