So i've been dating this girl for about 3 months now. And as with all new relationships, everything was great during our honeymoon phase. We were good friends for over a year before we became 'official' so I know her quite well.

However, she comes from a broken family. Her parents divorced at an early age and her father basically kicked her out of the house when she turned 19 and she's been independent and fending for herself since then (she's 25 now). Her relationship with her father has always been fragile but it hit a breaking point recently when she had a huge falling out with him and basically broke down in front of me.

Over the past few weeks, the aftershocks of her falling out with her dad has started to take its toll on her other relationships, mainly ours. As a result, she's been taking her frustrations/anger out at me. She's been acting cold/distant, just wanting to be along or with her girlfriends, etc.

We've discussed her actions a few times already and she always breaks down and apologizes to me and says she knows she's been acting spiteful towards me but can't help it. She said that she's been so guarded for so long that her first instinct is to push people away, especially that ones she cares about most. She mentioned that she was considering ending things with me because she didn't want to put her problems on me. However, she didn't because she still claims to love me and wants to be with me. We still have sex and are affectionate around each other...she just wants some space to be able to deal with her problems on her own.

But anyway, I'm wondering what I can do to help her and yet still ensure our relationship doesn't get toxic. Now before some of you start saying to dump her because of her family issues, I am truly in love with this girl and before all this drama, she was one of the greatest girls i've ever been with. I want to give her space but I also want to be there for her.

I've read on here that when you gf acts cold/distant, to do the exact same thing back. But i'm worried this may back fire since she already has abandonment issues. But then again, I feel like if I don't give her space, I'll just end up suffocating her and make things worse.

Right now, I just don't know what type of boyfriend to be to this girl. HELP!

Your main problem is that she has a shit load of baggage! and lots of daddy issues! You have two options:

1# Walk away, tell her you deserve to be treated better and you don't want a relationship. end it and get over her....she will probably cause you way to much drama!

2# Try to make things work but only on your terms! Tell her you are not a door mat, that you like her a lot but are not going to stick around if she does not change her actions, and that although you feel for her and her situation, its no excuse for her to treat you the way she did. I would also tell her SHE needs to work out her problems not you! Its not on you to fix her and you don't want to be in a relationship of constant flux, and with a girl who is constantly moody! If she get mad then end it, she will probably call you a couple days later telling you how much she likes you, and how she will change, in which case you should tell her that actions speak louder then words and you have to see a change or you will walk...draw a line and don't be afraid to walk if she steps over it! she will test you to see if you will bend and the second you give in to her, or don't do what you said you would she will win, and your value will drop.

Remember that you can't change someone, they have to want to change and they have to do it on their own! Don't invest to much time on a relationship with a girl who isn't willing to invest the same amount of time and effort! It might be hard to break things off but if it looks like she is not ready to change for the better then you should bail!

Remember you are the alpha! there are 4 billion other women out there who want you, don't settle!

Thanks Hobbit. I look forward to what you have to say.

I feel like i'm stuck in some sort of limbo. On one hand I want to give her all the space she needs and wait until she comes back to me. But on the other hand, I want her to know that through all the bullshit she's gone through in her life, that I'm there for her.

I've considered talking to her best girlfriend who she's opened up to, but I don't want it to get back to her and have her feel like i'm suffocating her.

When we last spoke a few days ago, she said that she was seriously considering ending things with me because she just can't handle the responsibilities of a relationship right now. I told her I understand but asked what's keeping her from ending it (because we've always had an understanding that we can both walk away at anytime). She told me 'everything'...that i'm the best thing to happen to her in a long time, that she feels the exact same way for me as I do for her and that she is devastatingly in love with me. She said she wants to be with me, but wants to feel like she's by herself...even if it's to 'pretend'. She assured me that there are no other guys in the picture and that she just wants to be alone for a while.
However, bear in mind that right after this we had great sex and cuddled in bed. She was even very affectionate the next morning saying she loves me, etc. But low and behold, she hasn't contacted me at all since. I texted her last night and she responded quickly but with short/cold answers.

Do I just leave her be and wait until she comes to me? Or do I push through her resistance and let her know that this relationship is not going down like the one's she's had in the past.

Ultimately, I know that I don't need this girl to be happy. Sure it would suck to loser her, but she's not my be all and end all. I just really love this girl and want her to get through this.

I told you what to do....listen to the advice given, she will not change, and you being a nice guy is only reinforcing her bad behavior. You value dropping day by day, she has interest in your but not enough to make you a priority....yet you make her a main priority in your life? why? so you can get your heart broken in the end?

Let me ask you something? Do you think she is thinking about you right now? I bet she's not, yet you are spending hours thinking about her, trying to help her ect ect....and she wont appreciate any of it! I know you want to do the right thing but its going to back fire on your big time! She wont remember that you were there for her, or that you stuck by her side, that's not how women work! that's how guys work but not women! women have a "what have you done for me lately" additude.

Remember her problems are not your problems, your can't fix her, you can,t change her, and if you are not happy in the "honey moon" phase then chances are you won't be happy long term.

This is all hard to hear i know, and you want someone to give you some magic advice to fix the problem but there is no magic! you either leave her and don't look back, or you tell her she better change or your done with her and then back up what you told her by actually doing what you said you would do if she crossed your line!

This is some of the most solid advice I have ever seen on this forum! You need to confront this right now! It may already be too late...My instincts tell me that she is already gone, you just don't know it yet!


Peace...

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Crypto...
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All girl's are Freaks...It is your job to bring it out in them! - Crypto

You need to stop bending over and letting her ass fuck your brain! - Heywood

this sub forum is full of sub shit

Clearly you are adding your own pile?!

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Crypto...
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All girl's are Freaks...It is your job to bring it out in them! - Crypto

You need to stop bending over and letting her ass fuck your brain! - Heywood

Your girlfriend is going through a rough patch and is acting "cold and distant", on the other hand you say you two are still sexual and affectionate. You also say she wants space - even so much that she wanted to break up.

I think you should definitely give her space. Her wanting to break up is a very bad sign, even if she says it's not about you. You should have a good talk with her and let her know that you're disappointed in the fact that she's acting the way she is. That you care for her, but want her to make her mind up.

@ darkone: why would you make your personal limits explicit? Your solution seems hostile. I agree OP is best off setting limits for himself: he must be able to walk away if the situation really begins to drain his energy and there's no improvement after clear communication.

To call your advice the "best of the forum" is an overstatement in my opinion and I think that is where Juan is hinting at (in a pretty useless way, though --- please explain)

But remember my experience is limited. This is where a very experienced guy has to come in. I'll be following this post, I might be able to learn a lot from it.

i just felt like saying sub shit.

She is setting a standard that she expects him to accept. (i.e. - I'm in a bad mood so you he will just have to deal with it and take my abuse).

Look at it this way, what would you advise him to do if she was "actually" beating the crap out of him?

If she is treating him poorly over an extended period of time, then they are both being conditioned to accept that as part of the reality of their relationship. This situation is not healthy for either of them and the only option I see is for him to remove himself from the picture and let her figure out what she wants.


Peace...

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Crypto...
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All girl's are Freaks...It is your job to bring it out in them! - Crypto

You need to stop bending over and letting her ass fuck your brain! - Heywood

to OP

when a girl says she wants space, you give it to her. theres no confusion here. she needs space, you give it to her.

you are the rock. she says she loves you, she doesn't want to lose you. great, its easy then. give her space, and be there when she needs you.

her saying she 'cant handle the responsibilities of a relationship' is a sign that shes feeling pressure. there should be no pressure within a relationship. definitely not in this case.

also i would suggest stopping sleeping with her. shes regretting it and feeling bad afterwards.

btw this girl seems really unhealthy and probably needs professional help

I already know where this is going she's going to dump you very soon. I know you're not the type of guy to get the hint and just walk away.

So here's what you need to do start talking to other girls ASAP. To prevent yourself from going into a deep depression once this girl dumps you.

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Friendzone 1-vt51424.html?postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

Yes we've had about 3 talks over the last few weeks, the most recent one lasting until the sun rose. Basically what happens is we don't hang out for a few days, then we finally agree to meet up and she breaks down to me. Every time we talk, she is very apologetic. Saying she's so sorry for the way she's been treating me. That she feels horrible for everything and that she loves me. She even said she was expecting me to dump her for how she's been acting and if I did, she would be devastated.

It's obvious that she needs space, at least for now. But i'm not that experienced in doing so. Does 'giving her space' mean not initiating contact at all? Or is it ok to text her to see how she's doing just don't push for a meetup? I want to convey that she can have her space stress-free and that i'm here when she's ready to come back.

she is manipulative.

either because she is immature or because she is a bitch.

the reason really doesn't matter.

give her a shitload of space...

called "let us not be exclusive"

of course, deliver it with hobbit's sandwich method.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!