I'll try to keep this story short for you guys....

I've been dating this girl for just over 3 months now and everything's been great up until recently. We're very close, see each other at least 3 days a week, and have even talked about marriage someday in the future. However, recently I find myself becoming overly jealous, insecure, needy, etc.

I think this may stem from the fact that my last serious relationship ended with my gf of 3 years growing distant and eventually leaving me for another guy. I'm over that girl and that relationship but the whole ordeal seems to have affected me more than I thought. I guess you could say I developed some trust issues because of this.

This girl that i'm dating now is the first girl in a while that i'm serious about and can see dating for a long time. However, it doesn't help that my girlfriend left her ex-bf to be with me. So despite how much I trust her (or believe I trust her), there's always that little voice in my head that says 'once a cheater, always a cheater.'

Although she has never EVER given me a reason to not trust her since we've been together, I find myself vulnerable to jealousy and other afc behavior. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I've snooped through her e-mails, even drove by her house one night to make sure she was home like she said she would be (I know, so bad). And after all this jealous behavior, she still passed with flying colors.

It's obvious that I have some serious inner game issues that I need to deal with and I can use any help that you guys can give. This girl has been nothing but good to me, but I feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen and thinking the worst all the time. As a result I'm pushing her away for no reason. I think she's starting to pick up on this because she's been acting distant for the past couple of days.

What should I do? I really want to be with her but it's like I have very little control over my self-destructive behavior. I've read many of the other posts on this forum, but it only seems to be a temporary fix.

Ok ok man just relax! yes you have some insecurities that you need to work out! you should not be snooping in her email or any of her stuff for that matter, the only time I would say this might be alright is if you had a very strong suspicion that she was cheating and even then its a grey area!

I am going to tell you something that most guys don't understand. All women are capable of cheating, they all will cheat and or look for other men if they are not getting what they feel they need, but if you are keeping her interest level high, and she see's you as a high value alpha male you will never have to worry about her! In fact she will barely even look at another man if her interest level is high enough. The way you are acting now is going to push her away, and her interest level will eventually drop! you have to stop worrying so much!

What good has jealousy brought to your life? has it made your life better in any way? has it made your relationship stronger? has it increased your value in her eyes? Im going to guess no? so then why do you continue to do? You just have to give her your trust and relax! even if she was going to cheat (which i don't she has at this point) there is nothing you can or could do about it....so just chill! If she ever cheated you kick her to the curb but this snooping around and spying has got to stop! or a few months from now she will be cheating on you.

How do you "cheat proof" your women?

1. Keep the relationship exciting, don't always do that same thing, have fun with her!

2. Stand up to her from time to time, don't fight with her, but don't always agree with her about everything.

3. Have a life our side of her, have hobbies, have friends out side of her, don't invest your whole life in her.

4. Make sure sex is good, if she is having great sex with you then there would be no reason for her to want another man.

5. Don't be afraid to punish her when she is not acting the way you want her to, this mean spending less time with her and being busy when she is not treating your well, or showing less affection, don't put up with her mood swings ect ect...this does not mean be a dick or get angry, it just simply means push away a bit and she will get the point.

6. reward her when she is acting how you want her to. When she is nice, cuddly ect ect, reward her with affection, or take her on a date.

7. Talk about you problems, understand how to communicate and stay calm when she freaks out! A man should be the rock in the relationship, you should be able to be stern, and calm, and be able to calm her down! always talk about your problems don't shout about them!

I am not at that point (I looked at her emails and texts, but she was there and aware I was doing it while she was reading those emails/texts + she does the same with my emails/texts every once in a while - I never drove by her house at night to check on her - I never hacked her FB or anything) but I am a pretty jealous/insecure person myself.

I have been given the following piece of advice from my GF (the object of my jealousy):

- extreme jealousy is actually offensive. it signals a lack of trust that makes a girl, no matter how innocent, feel like a "dirty whore"
- being an overly insecure control-freak creates a cage, from which a girl desires to escape. she fears fucking up, hurting you, but will end up doing so in a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy
- if you are confident she loves you and cares for you, then you have no need to worry or feel inferior to other guys: you know she has chosen you for the person you are and that is what she wants. just keep it up.

of course, your rational self perfectly knows all of this is true. so does mine.
how do you incorporate good habits into your lifestyle? force yourself to trust her. next time you think of some "check" to conduct, just force yourself not to do it and implicitly assume she would pass it. you have a pattern of past compliance to confirm it, so it is pretty easy. she passed N checks, she will pass N+1 too!
it is going to be slow, and painstaking. at times you will feel torn and powerless. and will want to revert to the snooping-controlling person. DO NOT. it's a bulletproof way to lose your girl!

you say she is growing distant. if she is aware you have been spying on her for 3 months, maybe she is fed up of waiting for you to trust her. you can probably buy yourself some time by acknowledging your jealousy issues, saying you are working to improve, and that it does not happen overnight, but you are seriously working on yourself.

this is what I did with my GF - I told her I am starting to improve in the area of jealousy/trust, that I read stuff and am going to put it into practice daily, even though it will take a while before I am fully done with jealousy and controlling behavior. of course, she appreciated it. so will your girl.

_________________
nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)

Thanks for the advice guys. It's going to be a tough battle, but it's gotta be done if I ever want a successful relationship in the future.

But what should I do about her acting distant? I was a bit of an asshole to her on sunday (i went through one of my jealous stages and acted on it by being distant and cold to her for no reason), but i apologized the next day saying I had a rough day.

However, since then she's been acting colder and distant herself. It's like she's trying to get me back for hurting her the other day. I mean, she still texts me every morning but they are very short and blunt. And the 2 free evenings she had this week she spent out with her friends (she usually invites me along).

I mean, it's way obvious that she's upset, but I don't know what I should do. My jealousy aside, in past relationships , i'm used to communicating and talking through problems. My girlfriend seems to just close up and get cold instead of talk. Now part of me wants to push a meet up with her over coffee and get her to just talk to me...but another part of me just wants to give her space and act distant myself until she wants to see me. What should I do? I

if we were talking PUA, I would suggest to act even more aloof and let her chase you.

since we are talking about a relationship, go to her place with her favorite flowers or candies, and bring her out, to a nice romantic dinner.. and try to make up for your jealous moment. explain how you are going to work on those issues, how you actually love/trust/care for her, and even if your own insecurities drive you to make mistakes, you are open to becoming a better person for her.

if she still cares, she will forgive you, and then it's gonna be up to you not to screw up again.

_________________
nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)

You know. Everyone is saying that if the sex is good and if you don't act jelous there's no way she's gonna cheat. I have to be a little disappointing here just for the sake of honesty. She can. I was the first man in the life of my ex who has given her a real orgasm (there are some special kinds of orgasms even a woman can't fake you know... and I've talked about this with her exes after I got to know them better and we became friends. We all agreed that she's a monster in bed, but none of them has ever seen her squirt). I was the complete opposite of jelous. She went out with a guy friend for hours. I said: That's great because we've arranged something for tonight with friends in the pub. Have a great time.(This was also true We did arrange it, I did not fake it, I've never caller her out on this, nor have I thought about it. Just to mention, this was not the guy she cheated on me with)

The fact is, that basically everything should be okay in the relationship for her not to cheat.

Now let me talk a little about the bright side. If you manage to minimalize your jelousy, you still lower the chances of her cheating with a massive amount. Also... if not only you act unjelous, but you really are, even if she does cheat, it will be so much easier to move on. That too is personal experience.

Now some other notes. You say 3 months and talking about marriage. That's a little strange for me. I know you don't really want to get married in the near future, but still. We were together with this girl for almost a year, and marriage never really came up. Or it did, but only in the form of a joke, or something like that. This clearly shows to me, that you are too attached to this girl. Three months is just too short amount of time, for you to let yourself be this attached. Of course... Love her, care about her, and show her your affection. But don't get too attached so early. It is very counterproductive for your relationship, and for yourself too if something goes bad.

_________________
"Bros before hoes"

Relationship guide: extended-relationship-guide-vt170687.html

http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/instinct

just in response to the whole marriage talk...it was actually spawned by her. On numerous occasions, she's said 'you know we're going to get married right?' or even 'will you marry me someday?'...stuff like that. I'm obviously not planning on marrying her anytime soon but it's just a way of expressing how serious we are about each other.

She's told me that this is one of the first relationships in a long time that she actually cares about. Which boggles my mind because how can it be so easy for her to act so cold toward me now?

I must admit that she did text me today and a little bit of her enthusiasm was back, but still nowhere near where it normally is. We haven't been able to see each other since last weekend, so I think that's what's making the situation worse.

Should I take control and set up a time to talk over coffee? Or should I just play it out until she misses me and wants to see me again?

agree with Hobbit in that you have many inner issues.

this whole jealousy thing has to stop or youll lose her.

secondly the reason your feeling this way is because you have rushed into this relationship and it doesn't sit well because it does not feel natural.

i suggest prioritizing your life, and putting your girlfriend near the bottom.

seeing her at least 3x a week is a recipe for disaster and you will end up the same boat as in your last relationship. being extremely close with her and all that jazz, careful not to become too much of a friend because she will lose attraction and LEAVE.

listen , all women are the same. what did you learn from your last relationship?

chances are this girl is a little off herself for her to just jump from one guy to the next, usually indicates some emotional baggage of some sort.

but its not a problem unless you make it one.

oh and forget the coffee talk.

just man up and dont act jealous anymore. she will return to her ways once the trust is back

Stress in the relationship causes problems for both people, but in the long run the male is held accountable for his mistakes more because...men should be able to handle their emotions better...

from my understanding of the matter, good sex and no-jealousy are necessary conditions for her to keep loyal. but not sufficient. if you fuck her good and then get up and walk home without even saying goodbye, in the end she is gonna cheat (or dump your ass, or both).
with some exceptions, being alpha is the way to minimize the changes of cheating. being alpha includes good sex and a non-jealous frame, but is more than that.
just for the record, since you seem to have a different perspective on the matter, you should probably elaborate on it. what led your ex-GF to cheat? were there signals? how did you find out?

_________________
nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)

Well since it was a one-timer there weren't really sings. Finding it out was also not so hard since she told me. What led to it? Well that's something I had been trying to figure out for a while, but I never knew because I stopped caring about it.

_________________
"Bros before hoes"

Relationship guide: extended-relationship-guide-vt170687.html

http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/instinct

Well, this is the way i see it.

I see cheating as getting into a car accident. It will and it can happen. You can be very cautious driving, but when someone else rams you from the side, it's still happening. Nothing you can do about it.

Now, are you going to stay inside, because of the fear getting in one? No you are not. Cause you will have a shitty life. Are you going to tell your girl to stay inside, for the fear of her cheating? No, you are not. Cause you will have a shitty relationship.

If it will happen, it will happen. Be mentally prepared on the fact that it can happen.

Cheers!