After 3 arguments in 3 days my girlfriend has told me "theres no point in kidding ourselves this relationship isnt working, it's because it's convenient"(we live in the same building)

the first argument was because my friend and her dont get along and they bitch to each other
the second i posted on here about her wanting to go to a birthday party of a guy she slept with.
and the third happened last night when she said her gay best friends name during sex "jack do it like this" i didnt know how to react so i just got off her she thought i was upset, i just said" it was a mistake but i dont really know how to react to it" i ended up saying something bad and it ended up with her telling me i was jealous of him.

i asked her why she thought that it is because i was possesive and cocky when i was with her and her gay friend.

Now she thinks the relationship isnt working as all we have is liking each other and chemistry but we're "not good together" i said to her relationships have their ups and downs and continued to tell her that my friend told me months 3-9 are hard for couples.

Now she wants to call it quits

it's completely stupid as prior to the arguments we had a perfect month

If you like her this is what you have to do...


Approach her and blame yourself fro everything...

Talk to he bit and suggest that you have been under slot of stress lately and you have obviously been directing it at her which isn't right. then do something that surprises her...open up to her, tell her about what the stress is (come up with something, unrelated to her)...

Then mention the fights, say that "Listen, I know you had friends and a life before me and I need to respect that more. I hope you can understand from my point of view"

This demonstrates the willingness to talk and most of all your willingness to be mature.

....saying that gay guy's name in bed though....that's not good. He obviously isn't THAT gay.

hope some of this helps.

-TA

I wouldn't follow the advice of above poster.

She's obviously not attracted to you anymore, because she wants to break up with you.

Do NOT blame yourself for anything. Do NOT make some excuse to 'make her feel better'. She broke up with you, for god's sake. Running back to her like that would only reinforce her power position and convince her that you're really lower status than her.

You need her to perceive you as HIGHER value than her if you ever want to get her attracted to you again. Which, in my opinion, should NOT be anywhere near the top of your priorities.

Work harder, be more productive, do new things. Immerse yourself in hobby's and cut off bad habits once and for all. Quit smoking, exercise more, study harder, etc. Flirt with other girls.

You will forget her soon. She, on the other hand, will blame herself for letting you, such a high value male, slip through her fingers.

Good luck.

"Living in la la land" is not valid criticism. Please, please elaborate, so that I can learn from your viewpoint.

The situation I described is not some set of rules, it is a mindset. I'm sorry if it came across as the former.

I stand by my first post. As little as I know of the specific situation, it is clear that attraction is missing. And it isn't coming back by talking things over.

Thanks for that post. Although I do not agree with most of what you've said.
First, you make a false assumption yourself when you say posters only say things based on 'what went wrong in their own relationships', which is not the case.

You, on the other hand, fall in this trap (talking from own experience). By disregarding the possibility of neediness and low value, you give wrong advice to OP. I will elaborate:
These are all cues of low attraction. The girl broke up with OP. I won't deny that there are situations in which a girl breaks up with a guy while she is still heavily attracted to him. But in my opinion, that is not the case here.

The advice you gave:
May work when attraction is still there, but is certainly not going to change a girl's mind if attraction is absent. Advice of the first poster comes across even more needy:


Apart from giving wrong advice, you misinterpret my advice as some sort of mechanical algorithm for "appearing" higher value. I feel the need to repeat myself and emphasize that it is a MINDSET, not a set of rules. It is BEING higher value, not appearing it. I never spoke of negs, freeze outs and the sorts.

In this sense I agree with you. You do not need to follow "rules" once higher value is embedded in all of your actions. I outlined to OP what actions should be taken towards a more attractive lifestyle.


"What one learns from this subforum". Apparently, posts you can learn from are limited to a subset which contain your point of view. This stance does not promote learning new things.

Final things I want to adress (as a response to your "unknown source" comment, which sounded similar to: "Gee, where do all those mosquitoes come from?"): I read a lot of books on getting the most out of your life, woman's psychology, sex, etc, but I especially like this blogger's point of view for its explicity:

http://www.solvemygirlproblems.com/[/quote]

ok things have gotten a little better

so she introduced me to her sisters which is good as it's moving forward, we planned to do this anyways and it took some persuading from her sister to do it, after the crap weve been through

she decided not to go to the party, if you wanted to know, and we decided to take a break after we come back from her sister's place, something we decided on before she chose to book tickets to see her sister.

I've gone through alot of problems with this girl, but have stuck by, I can only keep learning and as ive seen before after all the problems it has been totally worth it

Having done what the second and third posters on this thread have done i can say with a high degree of certainty that if you follow the advice of number two you have no chance of getting back with her, instead i would be doing exactly what Greengranted said, i would of wrote the same thing myself if he hadn't of beat me to it.

About six years ago when i was an AFC i got dumped by a girl, i did pretty much everything that the second poster said, i tried having the talk, apologized for everything blah blah and it got me absolutely nowhere.

Forward to last year, i got LJBF by a different girl, i was equally as gutted but this time i just shrugged my shoulders, cut off all contact immediately, kept going to the gym, got with new girls etc and surprise surprise she came running back

This is something you need to tell me more about. This cannot be said in two sentences, or two hundred, for that matter.

Basically what you're sketching is the summum of inner game, where, by sheer inner game, you can TALK someone from "this relationship is purely for convenience, I quit it" (no attraction at all), to getting back with you.

Elaborate as much as you can.

P.S. I'm sure you are aware this is very sketchy advice to give to someone with non-legendary inner game (OP). The question arises: why now, in this thread? Surely there's a huge chance OP will misinterpret.



EDIT: I will try and explain why your solution seems like a paradox to me.

When your girlfriend loses attraction, on a most basic level it is because you are no longer the best reproductional mate in her eyes (in that moment of time).

The solution I outlined is to become a better self (higher reproduction value = attraction).

Your solution: you approach the girl, admit you were faulty, and do it in such a way that she feels attraction for you again. But for this to work, you need god-like inner game. And that was exactly the reason why the girl broke up with you in the first place - your lack of it.

I can see this working if you have more confidence than 99.99% of all men, gave a mediocre looking girl the fucking of a lifetime, but barely invested emotionally. The girl could assume because of the huge difference in market value, there is zero chance that you will stay with her. It might cause her to back away. Then yes, talking things over might help.

Or imagine the situation in the book Fifty Shades of Grey, where Ana and Christian break up and get back together by 'talking things over'.

Not in this case, though. Unless there is a huge generalisation of my current understanding of women. Think Newton - Einstein. I'm dying to know.

Hobbit know his shit, listen to him.

In my opinion, leave the relationship. This is not normal behaviour on her end. In 2 months she will be fucking some dude behind your back. Too many sexy women on planet earth to be having your GF calling out other dudes names in bed. Get your shit together OP.

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Time to focus on career, travel and relationships.

TheAccountant's advice isn't very good he's suggesting you place the full blame on yourself. she's clearly starting the shit saying another guys name in bed gay or not is crossing the line.

GreenGranted's advice also sucks as Hobbit said he just copied and pasted some pua gibberish especially the part where he tells Tophat "to quit smoking" What in the hell does smoking have to do with anything? Tophat never said anything about smoking in his post. Overall Greengranted advice is just not realistic All I got from his advice is "Be FUCKING ALPHA MAN!!! YEEEEEAH!!!

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Which, in itself, is not bad advice.

I long for the elaboration I asked for in my last post.

It takes a lot of effort to say a complete sentence "Jack do it like this"

There's two reasons she would say that:

1. She's trying to end the relationship and wants to piss him off so he'll be the one to end it.

2. Maybe she is screwing the gay guy

Either way she needs too go plus she been doing other relationship no no's prior to this like going to a party to see some guy she used to hook up with. She has a clear lack of respect for the guy.

If i was at her house I would have just left.
If she was over my house I would have kicked her out.

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She's going to the birthday party of a guy she used to sleep with?

I don't know you or this girl or the thousands of intimate little moments you could never tell us about.

What I do know is that her doing this could be disrespectful. I'd call it disrespectful if she's never introduced you to this guy, she dated him fairly recently, and she didn't bother to invite you to the party.

You're going to do what you're going to do. But you can demand more respect than that, whether it's with her or not.

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"