Girlfriend of 4 months is planning to go overseas to study for 6 months in about 2 month's time. After that stint she's going to do another course of study for a year in another country. She's very career driven and this was already planned before I had met her.

I've posted on this forum about long distance relationships before and I definitely think that 6 months is ok, but 18 months is definitely not.

Obviously when we talked about it I told her that 18 months is too much and I'm not really into long distance relationships. She said she agreed and she was relieved that I wasn't angry with her for keeping with her decision to go.

She said that since we've been together she's avoided thinking about what's going to happen to us, etc. But she thinks that if it was meant to be, it would work when she comes back. She's very attractive and can get any guy she wants but she doesn't have many boyfriends (last guy before me was 2 years ago, and she never fools around, even when single). She says that chances are she won't see anyone while she's away.

From her actions she's quite into me. She was really upset that I didn't want to stay over last night (because of my work) and always calls me, initiates contact, etc.

I'm really into her. She's amazing and I want this relationship to be a serious one. If circumstances allow I'd definitely want her, even in 18 months time.

So anyway, I'm obviously not happy that she's gonna leave but I can respect her decision to make her career and set up her life, etc.

The question is, should I:

- Dump her now? It's difficult to make effort in a relationship knowing that it will end. The better it "gets" the worse it will be when it ends (for me), but I suppose the more chance there will be if she does decide to return one day. Also she was worried that I would dump her now.

- Break up with her when she leaves. Just take it day by day? Whatever happens will happen?

- Try to work out some compromise? There's a chance (stated by her) that she could be gone for 6 months, come back for 6 months then leave for a year. That way she's not away for 18 continuous months and if I travel to her country every now and then (I'm a coder and I can work anywhere with an internet connection), a long distance thing MIGHT work.

- Try to talk her out of the second stint overseas. She was suprised that I wasn't angry or annoyed at her for going and didn't try to talk her out of it. I feel that it was the right reaction. What do you think?

- Or is there another option?

Would love to hear your opinions.

Man sometimes relationships suck...even the good ones.

*(I'm a coder and I can work anywhere with an internet connection)* Why can't you just go with her then?

Only advice i can really give is to get your sex game as high as possible, have her legs shaking everytime you bang her, make sure she cums before you do, twice if you can.

She'll miss you more that way if she goes, she'll be wondering what other girl is getting the quality sex she was getting

Why must she go away for 18 months? Why not take the course for six months and evaluate her next move at home? If she did that, and was away for 1/3 of the time she planned, you two would have a fighting chance.

Otherwise...

You won't last 18 months. You'll probably barely break six because the light at the end of the tunnel is so far away.

I don't know you and I don't know her, but trust me. The strongest relationships I've known, including my own, were killed by long distance. Ask anyone who's tried to make it work.

Here's what you do: hint that the six month idea is smart because she can have both you and her education. Don't tell, though. Don't tell a woman what she should do and don't ask her to stay. Just throw it out as an afterthought after you take her to Sexytown.

Give that woman the best secks she's ever had and don't bring up her leaving. When she brings it up, you tell her: "I love you too much to be apart from you for 18 months. I love you too much to accept SPAM is the closest we can be together. When you come back home for good, call me and we'll see what happens."

She's acting powerless in all this, and she's really not. She does have a choice here. Just don't push her either way because if it fails, she'll blame you for it. Good luck.

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

beardless_santa: there are visa problems with living overseas without official employment in another country.

The seks is good but she's not very seksual. I try to up the seks all the time so I think it's ok. She tells me that it's been the best she's ever had (she hasn't got too much experience anyway).

I don't think it's worth me talking her out of it. It appears that she'd already made up my mind, even before she met me.

On one hand, it appears that she's really into me:
She always initiates contact, texts and calls me regularly, etc.
Asks me to see her all the time, spends ages with me even if I show no interest, loves for me to stay over at hers, a few times she's almost begged me to stay, etc.

On the other, it just feels like she's not that into me:
She didn't even discuss it with me. Her mind was already set about going and she was already set about what to do (we'd separate and, according to her "if it's meant to be, we'll get back together after"). She also says that heaps of her friends have done it and gotten back together, and that most are better for it.

So the question really is, how should I go about the next month or two with us? Should I try to up my game as much as possible (seks, general game, whatever) and try to win her, or should I just dump her now and try to forget about her? Or should I give her an ultimatum (find a way for it to work or i'm gone, forever?)

give me her number. I'll take good care of her. joking. lol

the key is what will you do for 6months? 6months is a lot of time.what could happen in that time? you have to keep her busy. constantly keep your connection. I mean, don't be lame but just don't lose the strong connection. try cybersex, visit her when possible. talk regularly.
If you do it right, it's ok. If you get paranoid, if you get too distant, sure you'll lose her.

Okay, you have already covered all of your bases. You told her you're not into a long term relationship. She agrees. You both acknowledge there's a possibility of restarting the relationship when she gets back. Cool. Now just enjoy the time you have together and stop over-thinking the situation.

She LIKES the fact that you can handle this. Don't backslide by trying to negotiate. Don't dump her, don't attempt to talk her out of it or compromise, and when she leaves, assume you are now good friends rather than lovers. The break-up is assumed; you don't need to verbalize. If you handle this well, then it drastically increases your chances of restarting things when she gets back.

Just my 2 cents.

-Wolf

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Wolf: thanks for the advice. I think that's the best I can do and all I can hope for at this stage. I know that even if she happens to meet some guys overseas, she probably won't end up doing anything with them. And if that happens then it'll probably be ok when she gets back.

Problem is, if she does do something with other guys...anything more than a kiss, i'm gonna feel violated. Some people are very jealous of the gf's past, and we can all sort of relate to that (even though i don't get jealous at all). But if her past suddenly becomes now, as it would be if she hooked up with some guy overseas, it's gonna be difficult for me to accept. It almost feels like she's cheating on me.

Anyway, it just feels like if she does anything with another guy while she's away, it's over. I have a zero tolerance for girls who cheat, and this feels like it's almost cheating. Coupled with the fact that she's gonna be gone for so long, i just don't think I could handle it if she gets back and tells me she's had a fling with some other dude.

Dude this is such a weak attitude. You're not doing a LDR, you're both free to sleep with whoever you want. She's not cheating. Don't hold on and wait for this girl. Live your life, improve yourself as a man (business, body, social circle, hobbies, talents) and be open to meeting new girls. The options then become:

a. You meet someone when she is away and start a relationship - great.
b. You sleep with girls casually and no relationship starts - great

She comes back without a boyfriend:

a. -> You can decide between your new girl and old girl.
b. -> You have had lots of sex and a relationship is open with your old girl.

She comes back with a boyfriend:

a. -> You don't care because you have a new girl.
b. -> You don't care because you have been having fun with other girls over the past 6 months.

If you just sit at home and wait then you loose in all situations. As for casual hookups, they happen. Woman like sex just as much as men, if not more. We are animals. We need, and want sex. I'd be sad if my woman (she's such a sensual creature) hadn't had sex the whole time I was away; it would mean she wasn't enjoying herself.

I'm in the same position

I just had my 'last' date with my gf of 10 months. I'm away for the next 5 months. I don't have to be, I'm following my passions. We've taken the relationship as far as we can go at this point. We are at different stages. So we call it the end of this chapter.

I'll see her when I'm back but I don't have any expectations. We will meet as two new people, and either becomes friends, start a 'new' relationship (note it will be new rather than a continuation of the old as things will of changed), or decide we don't want to see each other anymore. I'm following my passion for adventure sports, working on my business, finishing a book, reuniting with friends from other countries, and all the while being open to girls. Outcome independence. Whatever happens I know I will be happy. Learn to let go.

We are both in love and that to me means we want the other to be happy, whatever form that may take. Love is not jealous, love is not possessive. She told me she can't imagine not always having me in her life. Understand how woman talk. That's how she feels in this moment, she's not lying, but it is also doesn't mean it is true.

Each relationship is a stepping stone. If a relationship starts with her when I get back then it will be on a whole new level. Two lovers spend 6 months apart yet still want each other more than anyone else? What a thing.

"And each relationship is a step towards a higher relationship. That higher relationship may happen with the same person, it may happen with another person, that is not the point. You follow me? It may happen with the same person, it may happen with another person, but this relationship will help you to go into that."
~ Osho

“Don´t be unnecessarily burdened by the past. Go on closing the chapters that you have read; there is no need to go back again and again. And never judge anything of the past from the new perspective that is arriving, because the new is new, incomparably new and the old was right in its own context, and the new is right in its own context, and they are incomparable. ”
~ Osho

Similar situation for me.How did it go with that girl?

You can tell yourself that she won't do anything with other guys when overseas, but I call bullshit.

My ex-girlfriend was taking a break with her boyfriend back home when she came to study in England, I fucked the shit out of her for three months and she fell in love with me and chucked her bf when she got back home and then invited me to stay in New York for a little while.

I hate to sound like a dick, but you need to be realistic in this situation, you can't go long distance and expect exclusivity, unless its for a short time and you've been together a long time.

Only yourself can answer that. But for me, if you really like her, and you want to have a serious relationship with her, then trust is the key to achieve that. Long distance relationship is not easy. But if you trust her, then there is nothing to worry about. It is up to her if she will maintain that trust of yours.

shit man, what a powerfull view on everything..
I want to share your opinions more than anything really.... But i just cant help but get furious by the thought of my girl liking another male as much as she likes me at the moment, and imagining a future where she enjoys sex with other males, is just like a nightmare... how the fuck do i get over this mindset????

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