Monolgues sound too long and unrealistic to me. I think the audience would get a bit bored half way through. These are supposed be young guys right? I don't think young ex-nerds usually sprout off on such a confident, well structured monologue just like that.

I think you need to try and exemplify their coming out of their social awkwardness...they sound cocky and confident when talking to eachother, but maybe you could use their interactions to reflect back on what they used to be like. So when they talk to eachother, you see more of the old characters rather than their new PUA style, because they are not trying when they are around eachother...they are more like their old selves, and they share the apprehensions of this new world they are facing.

I think that'd create more empathy towards the characters and make them more real/believable

Ooh, good analysis.
I was hoping someone would actually read into what I wrote, and I found it.

I agree with the audience being bored with the long monologues, but I based them on a confrontation I actually had with a wing of mine. I feel that writing about my life and the mirrors through fiction help the writing become more realistic.
I would have to say I'm a little brighter than the average teen, and a lot of the stuff in the monologue was taken directly from the exchange.

I also agree that they are a bit cockier than I wanted them to be. I notice I only use DD's stuff when I'm in a place with a lot of AMOGs, not hanging out with friends.

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"The future you have, tomorrow, won’t be the same future you had yesterday."

My advice is to stay away from using the general terms and phrases that are used heavily on this site and in The Game, or Mystery Method. Unless, of course, you're target audience is specifically people already in the community.

I think you should avoid the PUA terminology, and replace it with regular, more everyday slang or phrases. This will make the movie more relatable to a larger demographic and seem less nerdy.

For example, instead of saying, You could say, I'm not much of a writer, but I think it's better to use words and phrases that are more common in your regular everyday dialogue than to use the terminology from MM, the game, and the community forums. It will be more entertaining, relatable, and you can still portray their emotions/ logic as they go through their experiences. Plus, I think it would be better less as a how-to and more as a "come feel what it felt like to be in my shoes.. from being an afc, to becoming a pua"

Hope this helps.

-Z dubya

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"I MAKE NO EXCUSES FOR MY DESIRES AS A MAN.
I MAKE NO EXCUSES FOR MYSELF.
I MOVE THROUGH THE WORLD WITHOUT APOLOGY." - Ross Jefferies

I'd agree with this as well. Overloading with terminology may look like it's cool, but what's the point if your just going to lose your audience? You can strike a balance between the two...allow the context of the discussion to bridge the gap. But be careful not to make that gap too wide or else the audience will be grappling to know what the hell your talking about.

A good example is the film Rounders. I'm a professional poker player and the film Rounders is about poker. In the film they use quite a lot of poker terminology that the average person (especially back then as poker was far less popular than it is now) would understand. They use words in discussions that only poker players would use, and they're not exactly self explanatory. But they are all used correctly within a context, and not piled up on top of each other like they are in your monologues. This means that the audience still has a good feel for the discussion and even though they may not catch every word, they still know what is going on.

So in short, throw in some abbreviations every now and again - as it gives the impression that the guys are really adapting this new way of life and are trying to live by it too, but make sure they are not overloaded and confusing for the average audience. No point in limiting your connection to just guys into PUA stuff...you want this film to hit as many people as possible I presume.

Finally an update. Had a lot going on in my life for the time being (though I have worked out a few knew openers out in the field) and couldn't focus on my writing, let alone posting my writing.

Update:
After the confrontation between Duane and Scott.


D: "I'm having trouble, man. I think I've pushed this too far. I know Dom said that there was no turning back, but this is a commitment. A lifelong commitment. I just want to get rid of what I know and go back to that loser I was before. I don't care if I don't have all these new friends. They only like Joker, not me. And I don't fucking care what you say, I'm not that guy. I'm not the smooth, Alpha Male destroying, Casanova people think I am now. I didn't shed skin, I put on armor. This isn't me... I'm not me."

He takes off his hat and unties his tie; with a sigh, he turns back.

S: "Wait. Wait, man. I know what you mean. God do I know what you mean. I'm in the exact same boat, and you never forget that. But you know what I say? This is me. We are constantly evolving, learning new things, grasping ideas and adapting, forming them into the basis of who we truly are. Teen years are all about finding yourself. And what we had to do to become what we wanted to be... was meet Dom. I don't believe in destiny nor do I entertain the idea of fate- but somehow, some way, it was meant to be like this. We are-"

D: "Do you understand why I've come to this? Why I turned into this cynical pessimist asshole? It's because I lost even the prospect of having the girl that loves me for who I was, not who I've become. And I pushed her away, fearing that she'd bring me down. Scared that she was a tie, my only tie, back to the former Duane. She saw what happened to me, and I felt that she was scared too. I had changed. And I don't want to change. I want to be me. I regret even listening to Dom.
Because now Dom's gone... and Gwen's gone."

S: Gwen? The Gwen from school? You.. you love Gwen?"

D: :"Loved. I crashed and burned. Now she doesn't even want to talk to me."

S: "What happened?"

D: "I told her. About this. About the Game, about Dom, about everything."

Duane looks down.

D: "I couldn't lie to her... This is one-tits."

Duane laughs, trying to hold back tears.

D: "It's not one-itis. Thats what all those average frustrate chumps say. I've devolved into an AFC because I've fallen for a girl."

Duane looks up, to Scott, tears in his eyes.

D: "Love. The ultimate weapon for destroying a PUA."

S: "Rule 26 - Never Fall in Love."

_________________
"The future you have, tomorrow, won’t be the same future you had yesterday."

The reference to The Rules, above, is just a little thing that me and a friend compiled for the movie. Supposed to be taken lightly.

1. Don't talk about the Game
2. Don't talk about the Game
3. It's all about confidence
4. It's not lying- it's flirting
5. Approach five seconds after making eye contact
6. You are the prize
7. Fools game does not equal tight game
8. Never fear rejection
9. Know when to neg
10. The cure for mostly anything is ten different women
11. Peacock to an extent
12. Maybe always means yes
13. Theres no such thing as bad luck, just bad game
14. Rid yourself of obstacles before going after target
15. You don't have to talk to communicate
16. Attraction is not a choice
17. People love themselves... mirror, mirror, mirror
18. Make sure she's legal before an f-close
19. Only laugh at jokes when others are laughing too
20. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction
21. A PUA doesn't get drunk
22. A PUA doesn't buy drinks
23. Stimulate her intellectually, emotionally, then physically
24. The day doesn't end until everyone is done
25. Use a rubber every time
26. Never fall in love
27. She will never have anyone better than you
28. No man takes another's target
29. The map is not the territory
30. Don't rely just on your looks
31. Think before you speak
32. They stumble that run too fast
33. Never work in just odds
34. Some things aren't meant to be used
35. Multiple descriptions are better than oe
36. Learn from your mistakes
37. Never underestimate the power of your actions
38. Find solutions for your own problems
39. No action ever stops within itself
40. Pay attention to her body language
41. Know when disengage
42. The answers to all of your problems can be found at (illegible)

_________________
"The future you have, tomorrow, won’t be the same future you had yesterday."

I wouldn't say I am a full stream actor but I was the male lead for 3 plays in middle school and 2 in elementary school. I stopped acting because I really just can't deal with memorizing scripts, its just something I need to work at like 10x harder than anyone else it feels like sometimes. But I have gotten many good reviews on how I can make lines sound like and make them feel. I do agree the monologues feel a bit long and drawn out with words the audience might not get but the idea of a lot of monologues in this movie makes sense, so I would just shorten them up and throw in some less PUA lingo.

I am however a film junkie, I really like the idea of the "rules of the game" (not Styles new book) that you mentioned, it reminds me of Fight Clubs rules.

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- Eagle

I'm almost done with the outline!

And I'm gonna start catching up on my writing!!!

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"The future you have, tomorrow, won’t be the same future you had yesterday."