Alright so i'm not really that shy of a guy, and i've been around all this pickup stuff for a while. When i was 18 i was really frustrated because i had spent the past two years locked up in juvenile hall, and i had never been laid. I searched into all that pickup goodness because i thought the problem was with my ABILITY and learning new techniques would help me. Boy was i wrong. I got excited at first, trying out all these new techniques. Mostly online, because then i lacked balls and online dating was an easy way to test and see which methods would work on which type of girl, but i underestimated how utterly worthless online dating is. And even when it WORKED, women would tell me how bad they want to fuck the shit out of me or even tell me that they LOVE me but never had the balls to meet in person.

After a little bit of this i finally got up the balls to start using the techniques for real. I realized whenever i felt excitement when flirting with a girl, it was almost ALWAYS successful. But it was hard to get in that kind of mood. At one point i saw this girl with beautiful blue eyes in my apartment building and told her that her eyes are ridiculously blue. She gave me her phone number, come to find out she has a boyfriend and she was still flirting with me. I teased these two well dressed girls in high heels at a party that went on in my dorm room and had them both on my nuts trying to tease me back. It was fun to play the game, and i was very good at winning it, but only when i was confident in myself.

But then there was always some kind of barrier that kept me from escalating past a certain point. For instance, when i started to throw in a little bit of kino with those two girls at my party and they started to get more physical with me i started to be TOO much of a jerk--almost intentionally. When i was at a party and my friend offered to let a girl sleep over, she suggested that i stay with her too and i suddenly felt extremely tired and told her i should really get back. Another night I pulled this girl kaley aside and i could sense that she wanted me to fuck her, but instead i just got her phone number instead. Just the other day i had this rich ass hollywood ho INSIDE MY BEDROOM telling me how she wanted to fuck me and i STILL didn't hit it. I can't remember how many girls i've had a chance to sleep with but pushed away like this, it must be at least 20 or 30 in the past year or two.

I'm sick of it. its like every aspect of my life just gets better and better EXCEPT this. My career is skyrocketing, my ability to ATTRACT women is pretty damn good and i can even flirt with them and tease them so long as it doesn't end in sex. I'm debating just paying a prostitute so i can break past whatever mental barrier is between me and what i want. I've listened to a bunch of self-hypnosis tapes on "Letting go of Guilt" and "Fear of Success" and "Put Yourself First for Once" and while i admit they help me to be more open about my sexuality theres still that ONE barrier steadfast in my mind. At this point i really don't give a fuck that i'm a virgin, its not a matter of inadequacy. i've probably gotten more phone numbers and gotten to that 90% mark 10x more than any average guy but thats just because for the life of me i can't seem to get to 100%. And i know all this avoidance is because of some deep stemming fear of intimacy, but sometimes it feels like i don't have any control whatsoever over it. And i know the more talented i get with understanding women, the easier its going to be to shoot myself in the foot. I just want to overcome this.

What i've concluded it could possibly be:
1.) Denying myself what i desire because of guilt
2.) Unwillingness to let women take the reins and control the process too
3.) Fear that they will look into my eyes and see me for who i really am
4.) A completely irrational fear of performance (talent is never an issue for me and even if it is, i can easily overcome it with practice so thats why if i DO have a fear of performance, its against every ounce of my better judgement)
5.) maybe i'm afraid of what i'll do to break the hearts of women if i ever do accomplish what i'm after. maybe i'll end up just like every other egotistic bastard who treats women like shit and keeping myself from enjoying sex is just my way of saving the world from... me.