| I sobbed facedown into my pillow wondering why my life was so fucked up. For the second time in three months my wife of six years had told me she wanted a divorce, and this time she meant it. All those times she said she would love me forever, would never ever leave me, would do anything to keep her marriage going kept spinning through my mind. Like a child desperately trying to hold on to the belief that there is SOMETHING magical in the world after finding out Santa Claus isn't real, I tried to believe it wasn't a lie. But, just like Santa, The Easter Bunny, and The Tooth Fairy, my wife wasn't there anymore. I wanted to die.
For weeks I tried desperately to understand why. I asked her, and her answer was always an exasperated "I've been telling you for the past four months! If you don't get it yet, you never will! I don't need to explain myself any further." I told her I could change. I told her I would do anything. She told me that's not what she wants. I asked her why again and again, recieving looks of pity but never a direct answer. I even tried to be more "alpha male" and made everything much more akward between us. I remember the last night we slept in the same bed (no sex though...we hadn't had sex since January). It was a Wednesday. Thursday morning, we woke up, got on the 84 bus to Sheppard Station and kissed good-bye...the last kiss we would ever share. It was nice, but it was very much a "good-bye" kiss.
Even though it was in my name, I moved out of my Toronto apartment, and back to my hometown of Sudbury. Here I would lick my wounds, and try to get my head straightened out. I slept on my friends floor, while trying to not think about my soon to be ex-wife...but ultimately, I kept getting mentally and emotionally kicked in the nuts by her. Every couple months it was something new..."Oh, did you hear? She's dating her ex boyfriend," or "She's living with him now" or the biggest hit, "Hey, your wife is pregnant with her new/ex bf's kid...tough break dude, but at least it isn't yours." Yeah, right...at least it wasn't mine. Emotional recovery has not been an easy thing.
Since then, I've had a few adventures, but I also came to one glaring realization. I might be a smart, attractive, and funny guy...but I've been with my wife since I was 19 years old, and was a horribly shy, skinny kid who didn't have a girlfriend all throughout highschool. I couldn't talk to women until I was married...now I'm single again. How the hell was I supposed to "step back" into the dating world, when I had never been there in the first place?
I joined a free dating site for a while looking for female friends, figuring I would try to learn what I could about women from the ground up. What I learned was that women, while ultimately having a sympathetic ear (unless they're jaded by past experience), don't have any idea about what they're looking for, or why other women behave the way they do. Oh, they all THINK they do, but it's all full of Hollywood bullshit that I didn't believe in even when I was married and in that whole "soul mate" phase. That and there are a LOT of single moms out there.
So, I went on day by day, and eventually got off my friends floor, got a job that sucks but pays the bills, and got my own apartment. Ultimately, I figured I would just end up naturally being the nice guy and landing some girl that had been hurt by the bad-boy I wasn't, while she recovered and used me as a rebound. I knew the nice guy routine didn't land the hottest girls, but I didn't want to be seen as a "player"...who would respect that? No, I would be the same old guy I was before and hope for the best. That was my strategy. It might not work at any other stage of life, but it was bound to work this time, wasn't it?
Then I opened my eyes. Being a nice guy doesn't mean being a door mat. I deserved better than that. I began reading David DeAngelo's dating tips on bullz-eye. At first, it was just for entertainment value...but as time went on, I began to wonder...does this whole cocky/funny thing work? I wasn't totally convinced, so I looked him up on youtube, to see how he presents himself. While there, I watched a bunch of PUA's and social guru's working their magic. Of course, the guy who really caught my attention was Neil Strauss. Now, here was this guy who had undergone a huge change from being a nerdy looking writer, to the pick-up guru we see today. I watched as he nearly picked up Jessica Alba on Jimmy Kimmel, without trying (I assume because he had a girlfriend...regardless still probably took a lot of willpower).
Since I had read The Long Hard Road Out of Hell back in high-school and liked the writing style, so I figured I'd spend the cash and pick up his book. I read it within three days. I tried to make sense of everything that was presented in the book; tried to analyse from the text exactly what was going on to make this stuff work. I'm still working on some of it, but most of it was pretty straight forward.
I've since then come to some realizations. My marriage failed for a number of reasons, but one major contributor was the fact that I came across as a spineless pussy. It doesn't give my ex any excuse for some of her behaviour, but it certainly does let me see where I could have picked up the ball. Secondly, most women whether by design or by choice, want a man who knows exactly what he wants and goes for it. Thirdly, the game is played by everyone--even if they don't know they're playing it, so you have to watch for it, and win when you can.
My name is Jay and that's my story. Please excuse the over-use of the ellipses, comma's, and semi-colon's. I don't know if I'm here to learn to pick up a new girl every second night or something more long-term...I don't know even know if I will be doing anything until I can get the divorce papers officially signed and sent off (though that sounds very much like a hollow excuse to sit out of the game while I wallow in self-pity ...hrmmm...). But, I figured I'd introduce myself anyway.
Cheers all!
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CHAT