Ok guys, I need rational perspective on thing's so I can have a clear mind before I make any decisions.

Basically my now ex gf has low self esteem issues due to abuse as a child from her father (other stuff I will mention later too) and needs attention to feel good about herself. He also abused her mother and role model in life, her mum, also has self esteem issues.

I've been with her for two months and things are amazing apart from these glitches where she feels she is not good enough for me.

However 3 days ago she heard her ex of over 1 year has moved on with a new gf. She is definitely jealous but says she doesn't want him but she is hurt he has moved on. She told me that she still loves him but she loves me too and that it's not right for her to be with me until she gets over him. She said she will go for counselling which she was previously against despite my advice.

This is the second time this has happened. I met up with her as a friend and we got back together within 3 days last time although I did not know what the reason was as I had woke up to a text that said 'this isn't working blah blah' and that was it.


I can understand all of this since him and her have been through a lot together including miscarriages getting engaged and such (hence the self esteem issues) and to be honest It doesn't phase me because of the chemistry we have.



Instead of acting like a douche and having a go at her I rewarded her honesty by listening to her and saying it's OK I'm glad she told me and that I loved her. We can be friends and that I'd always be there for her (Otherwise her self esteem will get knocked and god knows what will happen and that would definitely mean no way back for me)

Now before you go saying ditch her because she is fucked up in the head blah blah, me and this girl really suit each other well and I have made up my mind that I want her.

I know the standard way to get a gf back and have done it in the past to deal with other girlfriends I have had who were completely different types of girls. Ignore them/push them away for however long it takes for them to keep bombarding you with messages until they basically miss you so much they break down and come crawling back.

Thing is it feels like if I do this with her seeing as she is telling me she still loves me and I've rewarded her honesty I would be going back on my word. This would then make her think that I didn't care anyway and pushing her further away from me and upsetting her.

How do you guys think I should go about this to get her back?

She has already text me about her day which she used to do when we were together and since I ignored this she sent a text saying "miss you". That was last night and today I've basically avoided her but I will have until tonight to take whatever action after I listen to the advice.

Thanks in advance

You don't have to ignore her, you just need to completely change the way you act towards her. She is now a "FRIEND". Therefore, you don't need to answer her texts and calls on a timely manner, you don't need to put up with any of her bullshit drama, and you can see her much, much less often. Basically, just be "too busy" more often. Blow off plans because "you have a date". That kind of thing. It will accomplish the same thing as ignoring her would.

Just my 2 cents.

-Wolf

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Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

You're right about not going back on your word. Personally, I think you've put yourself in a tough situation. You're now in a position where you're basically waiting around for her to make up her mind whether to bask in her past and self-pity or start a new happy life and future with you.

I generally agree with most of Wolf's advice, and I'm going to agree with him again here. Since you two are now "friends", she is no longer entitled to your attention, your time, or any of your efforts. You can still be a gentleman and be polite to her, but it doesn't mean you should put your life on hold for her. Go out on dates with other women. Who knows, you may meet another woman who makes you feel as good as your ex does, but isn't so hung up on the past and she may change your mind. But when the time comes IF your ex decides you're the one, and you still think she's you're #1 girl, at least you can say you didn't waste your time waiting.

I would suggest removing yourself emotionally from this girl a little. She'll need to understand that she's doing herself harm by playing limbo between you and her ex. She should not get the emotional rewards similar to when you two were together, if you're not together. So in response to her "I miss you" and any other statements she makes while trying to get an emotional response out of you, a simple "thanks" will get the point across.

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Pretty little girls, so used to getting your way. Along comes a man who challenges you, and suddenly you don't know what to say.

Weel, i can tell u im in a bit of the same situation here. Met this girl who is PERFECT for me (yea, im aware of the dangers of the Oneitis, but come one, there is a point in life were u have to hold on to something...). We started dating, even she moved to my place. She founded out her ex-bf was getting hitted on by a girl, and she went jealous and got back to him. Panic is not an option, so here is my plan of action:

1.- Move on: Really, sounds counterintituive, but the whole PU arts are counterintituive. Center on something like gym/karate/collecting stams.... what ever makes you feel better and for real move on. In about 3 weeks DO NOT CALL HER or contact her in any means. If she does contact you is a positive sign, just do as Wolfwoodd says: "Hey girl! has been great to talk to you, but right now im heading to do something so i cant stay longer. See you later, have fun!". Always YOU leave the conversation, and NEVER keep conversation more than 10 minutes, this will avoid that she uses you as her emotional release, leaving you exhausted. Also you will heal and get better inside, recovering your inner game.

2.- "I had really moved on baby": Make sure that you have fun, that you go out with your friends, that you bought that nice new parfume always wanted, and specially DATE OTHERS. The fun part here is that you can date others, the cutter the better, and her friends will make sure she finds out... Also couple of "UPS! were that come from" pictures tagged on your FB profile (not by you but by a friend of yours, you dont want her to think you are bragging about it, that will lower your value) with some girls putting her arms arround you, or even kissing your chick is enough. You had become again in her eyes the fun/thrilling/mysterious guy she fell for, and together with step 1, create a fear to loose you.

3.- Contact her: You are friends, arent you? friends take a coffee or whatever together, but remember, dont do it before you see her ready, giving you IOI's, that will be about 3 weeks after the "no contact" apply, every girl is different, so u must know how to read IOI's. In that "date" (dont let her know straight is a date to get her back) go to somewhere that will alloud you both to talk and act normal. She will find again that guy who she started to date with, the guy she loves to be teased by, the guy who is very smooth and soft at hes "friendly" kino. Whatever you do, have fun with her, past is past and leave it there, no jealousy, not mentioning old problems, just fun and laughter. If you do it right, she will be back with you or really start to think about it. The rest is preatty simple

Remember, on the date have something new with you but that doesnt changes too much yourself. Like a new perfume, or an earpiercing, or just new jeans and shirt she had never seen before. You must look new, and not brag about it, if she compliments the new you just brush it off with a simple "Thank you".

Im right now on stage 1 of the plan, so far i got this: I agreed with her that the break up is for the best, and told her we can be friends. That got her REALLY pissed off, so much in 2 days moved out of my house to a friends house (or the ex, dont know, dont want to know) telling me that "the house is too little for both". Also saw same type of reaction when she founded out i got a date I will keep the no-contact rule untill she cools down and starts to think what she is loosing. Then i KNOW for sure that she will contac me, i give her 2 weeks, wile she realizes why she left her ex in the first place (a total AFC, just got her back over jealousy and by accident, he still wondering how he did it) and that im really moving on, for real, and she is going to loose me over other girls (sooooo competitive women are...)

Hope this helps you. The good part is that if it doesnt work (most likely will) you still moved on.... NEXT!

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"Atraction is not a choice" - David DeAngelo

I'm afraid i am in the exact same situation EXCEPT that she'd been with her ex for 3 years and me and her started dating about 2 weeks after their break up. We didn't officially state that we were a couple but everything we did and talked about was what couples do. Anyhow, after a few weeks she found out about her ex and boooooooooooom the exact same story as yours. I would give you an advice but coming from someone like me who ruined everything will probably make you do the same :S just leave it for the time being and wait till she begs back for you

Here's my whole story
in-a-messed-up-situation-but-i-want-to- ... 30011.html

Thank you guys. Here is an update.

I kept contact with her once a day. I appeared offline to her on facebook and any mutual friends we had so she never knew what I was up to, kept myself busy and never told her directly where I had been when she asked. E.g. I was out with a HB8 in a car and could have said this, but instead I just said out with a friend. not letting her know if it was male or female and kept her guessing so she's always wondering and never knows exact details.


I ignored her messages that she sent to me in the morning and replied to her in my own time when I felt like it that was nothing to do with the text she sent me. I kept the convo's short and always left on a high note or just as I noticed she was talking about how her day or when she was bitching about someone who had annoyed her. Basically anything a boyfriend would be expected to sit and listen to like an agony aunt I just said, that sucks, changed topic then said I have to go.

She then started saying I miss you and I love you in texts randomly every two or so days and I did not reply. I figured if it drives me crazy when she doesn't reply to me then why wouldn't it to her.

I then updated my facebook status to 'When the lows are worse than the highs are good, it's time for change'. And I think that made her think I was getting on with my life and was prepared to move on.

So last night she sent a text saying 'I love you' and I replied saying 'we both know that's not true' To which she got angry and I ignored her reply. Then she messaged me on facebook wanting to talk and even though she didn't beg for me back, she was inviting me to hang out on the weekend. I basically said I wasn't sure it was a good idea and didn't seem to keen (Even though I was kinda desperate).

So now I get to choose if I go or not, and I'm still thinking about it. I also said to her if we try and make a go of things this is the last attempt, I am not prepared to be second best. She responded saying she already knows, but I decided to make it clear and demonstrate that if it's not up to my expectations I'm prepared to walk away for good.

A year ago today is the anniversary of the day they split up so I'm expecting some kind of repeat. She has posted a video of 'their song' saying 'Ha ... Been 1 year now :/'. So I'm not sure how to take this. She also text me as I'm writing this saying she is bored so I'm not going to reply and just ride it out while she has him on her mind. Does anyone have any advice on whether I should meet up? I know she wanted me yesterday but maybe she won't right now or tomorrow.


I'll let you know and keep you updated if I do decide to meet up with her.

Cheers

The things this girl has been through with her ex are a lot. It's more than your everyday emotional attachment other couples fight to break. You can't pretend otherwise.

You also can't pretend, OP, that you're a NOT a fun guy who offers this woman something different. Something promising: a bright future.

I don't want to offer you advice so much as a wish that all works out in the end for you.

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

OK guys another update. We hung out two days ago, It went really well (in a way) as we were making out etc.

I was giving her the eyes like I wanted to fuck her brains out, and got her all hot and bothered. Not sure if this is a good thing coz she either:

A. really is hot and bothered and will want me back to making her feel this way or
B. feels like she has a power over me and is enjoying stringing me along.

She says she loves me and has feelings for me and wants to be with me just not right now.

I honestly believe she is being genuine since she has been through a lot and she opens up to me about it. I think I am the only person she can talk to. I felt as if we were really close but then again could someone really be that good/cruel to do that to somebody? She keeps saying she doesn't want me to think she's just liek everybody else... as in a let down.

I invited her out tomorrow and offered to pay as she is saving for something nice for her mum for mothers day. (Her mum is ill and seriously needs to feel loved) We are going to go to the beach which she was hinting at aaaaages ago when we were together. In my mind this is a good idea to show her that I care and listened and make an effort.

after she agreed she was questioning me about a girl who tagged me in one of her photo's of an inside joke (showing she really cares/jealous???) It was a picture of a drink.
She then sent me nudges and say oi a few times on msn and then the last thing she said was 'O..k fine I'll zip it'.


I have ignored her so far really unsure of what to do. I want her back I just don't know what the way to go about it is.

I can either

1.Ignore her and blank her even though I said I'd take her out which will break trust and show her I'm just going to abandon her like everyone else.

2. Say I fell asleep and go on the day out as normal, carry on kissing her etc. and have a good time like we did the other day (which she has been more affectionate towards me since)

3. Give her an ultimatum- 'you have to be with me or lose me'

4. (advice off a girl who I explained the situation too who made me realsie I'm being strung along) "Girl, I want to be with you but I can't help but feel i'm being strung along. I'm laying the cards on the table because I can't do this any longer. Do you want to be with me?"

5. Make her realise she is losing me but show her I care.
Girl, I want to be friends with you, but you deserve more than what I can give to you right now. I said I'd take you out tomorrow but the truth is I just wanted to say goodbye after one last good memory. It doesn't mean we can't be friends in the future, this so we can be friends in the future. If you really do love me like you say I know you will understand.

6. Cancel the plans to meet up and act as if something important has come up but act polite and friendly.

Kinda need a speedy reply if anyone can give me advice cheers.

Is this how you guys really talk with each other?

There's such a thing as too much information, and I think that's what we have here. I mean, six choices? Let's go with two: do you like this girl or not? If you do, stick it out and if you don't, shag ass.

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

I don't like that she's giving you the IOI's and pursuing you, yet is also telling you she loves you but not right now. That's a major red flag and a tell tale sign of a manipulative woman.

Whatever you do, make her work for it. DO NOT pay for dinner, movies, etc. I'd also qualify her on the "not right now" thing by saying something like "Well if not right now, then why should I waste my time on you." and I'd probably freeze her out. This is my personal opinion though, so don't take that advice as stone.

Ignore the questions about the girl and keep that a mystery. You're single now right? She dumped you right? Not her business to know who you're fucking or anything like that. That mystery is your power over her, and she will be jealous and work harder for you as long as it exists.

Good luck.

I agree.

My ex and I broke up just over a year ago. I went NC after a while, and sure enough, she came back.

We fucked and I was actually better than ever before.

She started saying she loved me. She called me every day, texted me every day. I said, "You know what? You're taking all the privileges a girlfriend would, so why don't we just make it official?"

She froze up, and so I froze her out.

This girl is hating on you because if she doesn't commit, she knows some other girl will!

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

Cheers guys makes sense and I put your advice to good use.

She came over yesterday and spent the whole day but I told her earlier than usual that she had to go home and I walked her to the train. She really didn't want to go but I said No I'm walking you home let's get a move on.

Anyway... While she was down there was a lot of kissing and hugs etc initiated by both of us, I pushed for more, she was heating up but then said NO. So I moved away and stopped kissing her. Read somewhere if you take it away they'd want it more.

An hour or so passes no kissing or touching then she starts laying down on my lap. I don't do anything since she has to work harder for it... but nothing much happens. THEN I get a phone call off a HB9 who has been leaving me comments on my page and my ex sees this. My ex has been asking question like who is HB9 leaving messages on your facebook for? blah blah. Anyway HB9 rings me 4 times but I don't answer it and when my ex asks 'aren't you going to answer?' I just said 'nah'.

After 10 mins my ex is trying to initiate sex and I turned around and say that it is not a good idea and I'm hungry let's go get some food. So we go downstairs and eat and I basically avoid going back upstairs where I know she will be trying to have sex. She says things like ' Aren't we going back upstairs?' as if to say I'm horny I want to fuck. I just said that it was cute and carried on watching the film with her laying on me.

After 10 mins I say to go upstairs get her stuff and I'll walk her home. She tells me she's not ready to go and I tell her I've made up my mind. While we are upstairs she tries it on again but I make sure she gets her things ready to leave.

So on the way to the station we walk down a dark path and my ex say's 'you brought me down her to fuck?' as if to say are we going to fuck? (I could have if I wanted to which I really wanted to but resisted the urge) but again I said no and we continued to the station. We arrive early and the station is full of druggies so I walk her to a park out of the way and sit on a roundabout. She sits on my lap for a bit, then I push her off and make her sit down while I get off and push her around as fast as I can LOL. So she's screaming for me to stop but I carry on for a bit then stop it and we just have a laugh. She opens up about her younger experiences etc. Then we get back to the station where she sits on my lap again and wait for the train. As she gets on the train I start walking away and she says 'don't I get a kiss?'. I pause for a bit then pull her into me and give her a kiss then she gets on and leaves.

Haven't contacted her since and I'm off out tonight. I'm going to resist the urge to call her and wait till she calls me.

What do you guys make of this?

Okay, you are withholding sex in order to push for a relationship. I would never do this. Then again, I don't do monogamy and I don't get jealous of other guys.

I'm very curious as to how this tactic works out for you.

-Wolf

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Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

I posted a topic a few hours ago about my GF with LSE.

its called 'want info about girls with LSE (Low Self Esteem)'

i have some questions too in that topic about some 'things' she did to me.
Maybe can you tell me if you recognize these things ?

I just broke up with her yesterday ( after one year ) and we had a worse relationship. it went off and on and off and on and off and on...

A lot of bad things happened. but i kept loving her because of her 'love emotions' she projected on me. she needed to be hugged while she started an argue.
She was the one who let me come over to her ( like mr nice guy ), but she never intended to come over to my place because we argue a lot. it was always ME being ready to come over to her to talk about it.

she often looked forward or down to floor for a few seconds, like beeing in a sort of trance. when i asked her what she was thinking about she said ; ' dont bother, i do that often, its nothing'

she cheated on her previous boyfriend 2 times ; with another guy and later on with me. i've never trusted her for the full 100 percent.

and she talked a lot about other guys asking her for a date ( the jealous thing ).
well, i always replied with 'you make a good prgress '

It's been a year of argues, and mindfucks and i'm glad now its over, that i dont have to feel bad or fucked up anymore.

My opinion is that my ex girlfriend needs some kind of help, solving her LSE issues. Otherwise, she will always be like this to any other guy. The only guy she can be with, must some kind of 'always Mr. nice guy'. Only those guys can keep a girl with LSE happy....

That's my experience having a relation with a girl with LSE... it doesn't work for me.

I even think she cheated her ex boyfriend for her own ' feel good' feelings. some kind of way for her to satisfy her selfpity.

I was blinded by love for 1 year... she manipulated me with her so called 'i love you so much, hug me please, hold me, i need you blablabal '

i'm done with her.

Think about it...

btw....my post was in the 'general questions' section.