Inspired by AFC Daniel's journal I have decided it's a good idea to make a journal too. Hopefully this will help me with tracking progress and keeping motivation.

I have made it my goal to turn my greatest weakness into my greatest strength. I have not been a social person, actually, I tried avoiding social interaction for a long part of my life. Now it is time to turn this around.

(When I have made 5 posts I will make a link to my introduction post here)

For the last few weeks I have been attempting to deal with approach anxiety.

A Monday:
I walked in the city for 3 hours in crowded streets and non-crowded streets and was unable to say 'Hi' once. For some weird reason my mind completly blocked me from saying it even while I had enough easy oppurtunities to do so. There was this one girl in a red coat who clearly looked interested in me and smiled. I wish I could have sayed 'Hi' to her.

A Tuesday:
Walked in the city for 1 1/2 hour. Managed to say 'Hi' to a cute mom with baby. She looked shocked and stared with a blank face back at me. I walked past some girls eating fries. I could have sayd 'enjoy' or something but my mind blocked me again.

Another Tuesday:
Walked home after doing grocery shopping. Today was a good day and I felt great. At the corner of the street another mom with baby walked towards me and I thought she smiled (I'm not sure). I smiled back and sayed "Hi". She looked shocked.

Another day:
I decided to go walk in the city and ask directions to males in the hope I get at the very least something out of myself. Managed to ask directions for 2 times. I also entered shops asking simple questions to cute shop assistants. There was this one shop assistant with dark pink hair and matching lipstick. I think I bothered her by asking too many stupid questions about perfume. She looked interesting and I wish I had the skills to pick her up.

A Saturday:
I was visiting a friend and after hours of walking in the city I finally managed the courage to enter a shop, walk up to a girl and say "You look really hot!". I was not planning to do it like this, but the moment I opened the door my IQ just dropped to about 2 and I forgot pretty much everything I was planning to say. I think she froze and was completly shocked (I didn give her time to react to me before or after anyway). I can't be sure because my mind just stopped working. I think I released a few weeks of excitement and fear into that single moment. It was NUTS!


What did I learn?
Saying 'Hi' is really hard! I hate this. Saying 'Hi' has nothing to do with these girls and everything to do with my mind. It's like my mind is a prison, limiting my freedom in doing/saying whatever I want.

Asking for direction to males is relative easy. Asking questions or let a shop assistants help me pick out/try some clothes is easy. It's just business.

Walking upto a girl and saying "You look really hot!" is extrmely difficult and turns my mind into dust! I was actually planning to do what Sasha does in his direct daygame approaches. I knew exactly what I wanted to say. But when the moment was there...I forgot all of it. Being direct has one big advantage, if you do this, asking for directions will become very easy.

What to do next/now?
I need to get over Apprach Anxiety. And the fastest way to do this is to be as direct as possible.
I need to de-sensitize, so my mind will actually work when I talk to girls.
I need to open the first girl I see or else I walk in the city for many hours without doing anything at all.
I need to be prepared to look like an idiot and be comfortable with it.

Good luck mate. Keep at it. Every time you choke, you are one time closer to opening a successful interaction. You are progressing!

Yesterday was a really great day for me. The start of the day was bad and my usual approach anxiety made me loose some really nice opportunities. But later in the day I made up for it in a big way.

Asking directions
I was visiting a friend in another city and we agreed to meet at a store I didn't know, forcing me to ask directions to get there. I think I asked about 7 times (only to cute girls) the directions to the store before arriving and I felt great when entering. Asking directions was easy and I didn't felt any AA.

The Store
Inside my friend wanted to try out some clothes and I immediately used that opportunity to get this cute shop assistant to help us out. I offered this girl a chocolate from a box I had with me. At first she was a bit skeptic about the chocolate saying she had gum, but I made her spit it and take my chocolate.

I had funny little interactions with about 4 different girls in there.

The grocery store
I was looking forward to go to the grocery store because I knew it would be filled with cute shop assistants. I have spend the whole week thinking of a way to have a fun interaction with a shop assistant in a grocery store that I like to share. I will write it at the end.

I asked one girl with stylish nerd looking glasses whether those where real or if she was just doing the sexy nerd look thing. She giggled saying her glasses where real. She liked my hidden compliment.

Back at grocery store
Ok here...this is funny...I had to get back to the grocery store a bit later because we forgot to buy something. After entering I searched for the shop assistant I talked to earlier so she could help me again.

I can't remember exactly what happened, but after talking a bit she told me the other girl she was with liked me (I thought she liked my friend). Anyway I tried to number close asap because I had to go and the girl told me she could give me her number. But while saying that she kept herself busy with some boxes and didn't actually give me her number.

This shit was very confusing and I really didnt knew what to do or say so eventually I walked away saying goodbye. I think I screwed up somewhere, maybe she sensed me being needy/desperate and backed down or something. It doesn't matter much because hearing she liked me completly made my day/week/month.

Conclusion
Today was by far the best day I had in a long long time. I enjoyed all the little interactions I had with these girls. Too bad it is another city because girls in my city are a lot colder and harder.

Grocery store routine
I did this about 2 times and it seems to be a fun way to interact with shop assistants in a grocery store.

Find a cute shop assistant and ask her where you can find the Cola. Make sure she brings you there. When you arrive at the cola you talk a bit about cola with her and make sure she doesn't go away. Put cola in your basket. Now you ask her where to find the chips. When you arrive at the chips you ask her what her favorite chips is and you talk a bit about chips. Put chips into your basket. Continue doing this untill you have all your shopping done.

At this point you pretty much had a "shopping date" with the shop assistant. Point this out to her and take it from there. You probably want to number close at this point or something. Or just make her look forward to the next time you "take her out shopping".

Yesterday I decided to "go out" and just see what I am up against during the night. The last time I went "out" must have been about 10 years ago and I remember feeling very uncomfortable; somehow I just don't know how to feel/be fun. The plan was to just go to some small bar and drink a beer and see.

When I arrived and ordered my first 2 beers I just sat there at the bar staring around, not knowing what to do and most definitely not feeling very social.

At some point 2 girls walked in and sitting not far way from me. The first thing I thought was "Shit, I'm sitting here like a loser, what do I do?". While thinking about this problem for a few minutes one of the girls started talking to me. I can't remember the exact words but will try to be accurate as possible;

Girl: What are you doing here?
Me: Waiting for a friend. [big lie]
Girl: Why is your friend letting you alone?
Me: [giving plausible explanation, all a lie]
Girl: Where are you from?
Me: I live here. And you?
Girl: I live here too.
Me: [saying something, trying to be funny, failing]
Girl: [saying something]
Me: [failing]

At this point the conversation died, but not in a bad way. The girl kept giving me eye contact. I just had no idea what to say to her. All those routines I did read about in PUA books just seemed inappropiate and I am boring as hell.

After this I walked over to a guy who seemed to be able to talk about crap for hours and I talked to him the rest of the evening.

Another girl + boyfriend entered the bar (sexy blonde) and she started playing around with the music. While she was doing this she gave me plenty of eye contact and I just knew she was interested. I knew exactly how to open her but was afraid it would look stupid because I had to walk all the way from one side of the bar to the other just to do it. I also was afraid I could not transition from there. When she left the bar I managed to say "You're going [sad face], your music choices where great [smile]". She said "Yeah [big smile]".

I opened two Portuguese tourist girls drinking red wine. They didn't seem interested and I think they pretended to not understand English.

Conclusion
Alcohol helps a lot to get into a social, more fun mood.
I need to talk to guys if I feel none-social.
I need to have something to talk about.
I need to learn how to make a girl smile!

Important to remember
Girls DO like me. I noticed this before and I can't really explain it. Even when I feel like a loser or an idiot girls do look at me in interest and give me eye contact.

For the second time I went out yesterday. At first it was a complete and total disaster, but eventually it worked out great.

The Disaster
When I left my home I became extremely nervous and was thinking about looking really stupid out there all alone in a bar. While I was walking around the city I looked at all the girls and happy smiling people and this reinforced my bad feelings about myself; "How in hell can I be a happy and smiling person?". I became angry at myself, the world and everybody else and decided to go home.

Back at Home
When I was back home I thought about what just happened and why I can't just have fun like everyone else. I concluded that giving up is the worst thing I can do because it only reinforces my bad thoughts.

It is my goal to change myself. I have made a commitment. It's all or nothing. I have to try or die trying. But giving up is out of the question. So, I decided to give it one more try and this time I arm myself with a flawless plan.

The Plan
Go out and enter the first bar I see. Go drink a beer and try to feel comfortable in the environment. Observe what people are doing. Listen to the music. And do not talk to girls. It doesn't matter if I look like a total loser. I live in my own little happy world. Fuck it!

The first bar
I entered the bar, ordered a beer, looked like a total loser sitting in a dark corner. And I felt comfortable observing and listening to the music. The plan worked! And now I became drunk.

The Second Bar
And there I go up to the second bar. Same plan but this time I was a little drunk which helps. Sitting in some corner, being comfortable with myself, observing and drinking beer I noticed something. Three girls where giving me eye contact, no, approach invitations, IOI's. Wow!
I stand up and decided to order myself a new drink right next to these girls and when I was talking to the bartender I noticed a pair of hands on my ass.

The music was too loud to have a conversation so I just grabbed two of the girls and hugged them. One of 'em asked me to buy her a beer and I told her no, but she can have a taste of mine. Then I walked back to my little corner.

At this point I wish I could dance or at the very least feel comfortable enough with my own body to move around a bit in the rhythm of the music. I need to learn this because I could have "danced" or "move around" with these girls. I don't even do this at home alone in front of mirror. That is how uncomfortable I feel with my own body.

The Piano Bar
Time to go to another bar. At first I entered a large bar, but there where not a lot of people and I left very soon. Then I did see the piano bar. It was filled with guys, some older people and few girls. I did not plan to stay here for a long time. I ordered a drink and did sit next to the piano.

Then a guy, came to me and introduced himself, asked for my name, told me he worked there to play music and he started to play the piano. He was gay and kept singing my name and giving eye contact. I was like; "O well, a gay guy is like a girl. Let's just enjoy the attention and pretend I like him." A girl noticed the attention I got and motivated me to move my arms around at the rhythm of the music. This was fun.

Outside
It was time to go home but I felt too great and too drunk to not do 'something'. So I walked around on the square asking girls the time.

Me: This is not a seduction trick, but uhh, do you know the time?
Girl: Uhh, yeah sure, [giving time]
Me: Thanks, see, no seduction trick [smile and walking away]
Girl: [smiling or laughing]

Irish Girls
I asked the time to a group of Irish girls and they reacted very positively and one girl started hugging me. After talking to her I hugged all the other girls too and they seemed to like it. One of the girls was a bit negative and bitchy at the beginning. But after hugging all the other girls she came to me telling me she thought I was amazing and how much she liked me. We laughed, took photo's, talked a bit and hugged a lot. I think I have hugged every girl a few times before leaving.

Conclusion
I really have two sides in me.

My fear, anxiety and limiting beliefs are crippling and destroying me. But when I manage to get past that and just force myself (with the help of alcohol) to have fun, the real me comes out.

If I can manage to kill the "bad me" and let out the "good me" without using alcohol I might end up becoming a natural and be amazing. Once again I notice that girls DO like me and I like them.

New Plan in the Making
I need to go out more. I'm actually considering to go out every day to become comfortable with myself in these envoirements. I need to be comfortable without the use of alcohol. I need to learn how to have fun and be social without alcohol. I need to destroy my fears, anxiety and limiting beliefs.

I am in a pretty similar situation. I can pretty easily say hi to a girl, and maybe ask her a question or make a statement but I do not know what to do with the girl response, the conversations dies out very quickly and starts to get uncomfortable.

The idea is to go to bars on normal weekdays and just drink a cola. No approaching, just trying to feel comfortable in these envoirements. Maybe if I feel like it talk to the bartender or waitresses. I do this in the hope to prevent a disaster like I had Saturday where at first I was just too scared to even enter a bar. Yes, that's how fucked up I am.

Monday
It feels very uncomfortable to just sit at a bar all alone and not kowing what to do and where to look. At least I get out of my comfort-zone. The waitresses are hot and friendly. But I don't know how to start a conversation. At some point I just pretend to wait for a friend. Good excuse to ask for the time. I visited two bars.

Tuesday (today)
I visited another bar and drink a cola. Talked a bit with the guy bartender about going to the movies. When I walked back home I decided to do a few approaches outside on the street (it is evening). I did two approaches and the last one pretty much broke the little bit of confidence I had.

The Approach
Two girls walked on the street in opposite direction of me and I walk in a direct path towards them. At first they try to avoid me, but eventually they stop;

Me: Do you know where I can find [streetname]?
Girl: Yes, why? You look for a certain business or something?

In my head I was like "WTF! It takes all my freaking courage to do this and YOU are testing to see if I'm not bullshitting!"

Me: Uhh, Uhh, Uhh
Me: I'm meeting a friend there at the corner of [current street].
Girl: Just walk strait ahead towards the corner [points].

Conclusion
This really pissed me of and removed all my confidence. Next time I ask about a street that doesn't exist. Hmmm...Sint Straussstreet or something.

I wonder if I ever get the balls to be direct during the day. Dutch girls are made out of iron or something.

Just a thought, she might not have been asking to see if you were bullshitting, she might have just wanted to offer specific directions because the street is really long?

Either way, keep at it mate.