| This is going to be long.
I failed. I’m not heartbroken, just pissed at me for dropping the ball on my own foot. I want to check facts with someone who’s oppinion I value: you. And also, share some insights.
A 21 yo HB9.5 had a crush on me and I’m 37. Intoxicating. Her dropping hints about fucking me I act aloof… I played with her like a cat with the mouse for a few weeks. She was in a dying relationship. It ended.he snapped snd abushed her in the bathroom at some point. We went one day, preparing for a party at my place. She made it clear she wants to fuck me. I ignored it, didn’t want to play the rebound. This is mistake #1? Maybe not. However, she was more and more into me after that. Next time we ended up at my place for a movie night(me, her and some whiskey), she deliberately sat on an armchair instead of bed. A shit test I failed. I went a bit beta while asking her to stay a little longer. I realized it as I said it. Wish I was a bit sober when I said that, also I wish I could get back in time and kick myself for it. I should have escalate both times, instead of cracking jokes.
Third time mistake was xmas eve. We had tons of kino. However my mother was there over for xmas and she was roaming, making noises, etc. Needless to say it was a turnoff and we ended up not fucking, but cuddling (bad move on my part, I was going for the kill next morning), sleeping and declaring this an utter disaster. I noticed a sudden shift the very next day when she was down with a “cold”. She’s avoiding me. It was an exponential drop in interest. Noticed it, didn’t bother much, paid no attention to her.
We met for a live show 2 days later, she eventually went to some other table full of drooling orbiters to play . Paid no attention. Secrecy policy still applies. I told her I move to new location. She said she’ll follow in one hour. She doesn’t. Text her saying you’re late. She replies with I got work to do, I might be standing you up. I replied the next day with you’ll have to make it up to me and take me out. We go out for a coffee on nye. She is jittery, says it was “weird” xmas night. I said yes, but it was fun. She said i was trying to friend zone you. I said you can’t do that, you’re attracted. I suggested we ruin the “friendship” and we kissed with passion in a bar. We’re not a couple. We don’t do couple thing. Mutual agreement shit. In this whole time I’ve been seeing other chicks, 8-9.5 HB and made no secret out of it, maintained plausable deniability at all times. Yes she saw me with other chicks. But since we were not officially a together, I thought a little competitive anxiety won’t hurt. Maybe I played the jerk card a little too much though.
We met on NYE, after she went to a going away party for an orbiter + her ex. I was pretty much aloof, felt no threat what so ever. She started to play a jealousy card, flirting with others, although she was all over me a few hours ago. Managed to get an eternal love declaration from an ex and laughed at it. Detected shit tests.
Fucked my whiskey balanced flow by having a glass of strong wine with a friend. Then I went back to whiskey and silently entered a bloody blackout. And it seems I am interactive while in a black out. I found out from her that while in black out I snapped and have a jealousy fit followed by me picking up a random chick in front of her. That’s when she left. So I am told. Could be, I was pissed about her playing the jealousy card under the cover of us not being together in that particular place (full of common friends)
I found out about this falure the next day and all I said was I’m deeply sorry for the discomfort amd then squeezed my way out on a good note. She said something about how she can’t stay mad at me at that I have a certaind way of brushing shit off me. We were supposed to meet in a couple of days. I told her I’m off back to the crime scene for a coffee. She, however, showed up with a dude and sat at an opposite table, watching my every move. I had a chick in front of me and decided to get her throw IOI’s one can spot from a plane. She did. She’s maybe a 7, had her bf there but I didn’t gave a shit. Then I decided it’s time for me to pick up my toys and leave the sandbox. I passed her shit test. Just wanted to go home and sleep. I did that. Called her 2 days later, saying, well, if you’re done with that dude, let’s have a coffee. I’m sober, willing to communicate and in the mood for you. She replied with you sound almost jealous, I’m coming + smiley. She came, told me right without me asking he’s an old friend. I believe her, i observed her body language I proposed a weekend trip to some other city, she jumped onboard immediatelly. Felt fucked. I arranged to meet some other chick there after nye fallout. Next day, she was over at her ex to pick up things. She sounded weird. Said it’s complicated. I’m fucked sdeways I thought. That variable I never considered. Turned out Ambush Boy poored shit like “you need to make babies to have someone around you”. She bought it. Next day she is shifty. Flakes, sends a message saying “not coming out to play, not answering the phone”. I replied with “i’m going on solo then”. She let me know she’s coming to the place i’m at after all. The crime scene. The best pub in the universe. She comes in, waves hello move in some other room with a dude we both know. I sat with a random chick waiting for the concert. After the concert my girl sits alone, grim and dark. I asked what’s wrong. She won’t say a word, nods her head from left to right like an autist learning to say “no”. Communication breakdown. I said “I won’t put up with this nonsense, tomorrow we should leave, have reservations, u coming or not?”. She’s moves her head sideways in an ample no. I told her “nice babbling with you” and got back to my table
Hear a friend telling her “don’t cry, u have a life ahead of you, Name..” I went home, she went to some jazz concert then home.
couldn’t sleep, texted her in the morning “until you act properly, we’re finished”. She texts back” “You’re not in love with me, nor my boyfriend. Why act like you are?” Then she writes. “All i want to act like is friendly, and nothing else. Maybe also like all of this never happened. Anything else i’m acting like has nothing to do with you.” I replied promptly, guees I over did it quite a bit though: “True, I’m not in love with you, i can do friendly. however, I get the feeling that you care more than you’re willing to show… Hope I’m wrong.”
After that we met in that bar a few times, but kept the distance. She was heavily flirting with some poor schmucks, paying atteention to my reactions. Needless to say I had no reaction, it was way to clear what she was doing. I hit on a chick sitting next to me, went well, didn’t bagged her cuz she wasn’t all that good. Left with her though, went somewhere else. My girl kept an eye on my the whole time…
One night she was sitting all alone, ignoring the fuck out of me. I went to have a chat with her and to set things right. She tries to LJBF me, saying she feels for me just as much as she feels for any of her friends. Her body language is saying differently. She’s still atracted to me after all this beta backsliding. At some point she wants to know what would it be if she would have a different position on the subject. Seems genuinely curious but sounds like a shit test. Can’t tell so I stick to being a laconic prick and said: “it changes everything” without adding anything else. She sticks to her guns, I forced her to say “I don’t love you, I don’t give a fuck about you” thank her for this and then I leave for home. I was pushing on some cognitive dissonance with that. Fact is a week or os we end up at some other pub for a cool concert of a friend of mine. I was with one of the chicks she saw me with, she was with drooling friends. From where she sits she can see me and she’s checking me out frequently. I’m not bothered, au contraire. Then she moves to some other table, closer to the stage but manages to sit right in front of me, almost obstructing my view. On purpose. Her gestures are studied, her body is saying I’m ignoring you and I want you to notice this.
A few days later one of her friends drops a hint that she can’t sleep at nights recently and it’s my fault – more or less. I replied with “Sleeping pills might help.” and quit the subject.
Anyways, I met with her a few days ago, I felt guilty, I innitiated contact. A mistake I made with intent. I wanted to clear the air because she was fun to hang out with. She was supposed to come over to my place. She takes the cab but changes her mind just before arriving. She texts me it’s feels “creepy” and says let’s meet in some bar, close by. I agreed. “Creepy” is a strong word, got me thinking there’s a lot of shit in the air between us.
I told her “it’s obvious we can’t stay friends, too much attraction floating around”. She admits attraction without hesitation. I asked her why do you care for me, she is keeping her frame, saying she has no feelings for me, no more than for any other friends. I don’t believe that, her actions and body language are incongruent with her words. I told her that she should kick it up a notch and join the ride. She’s again curious about how would this “no-a-relationship” thing would go, she seems tempted again. Then she says “you’re making me see things that I don’t want to see” She realizes we’re usually both cynical and have an anti-relationship position and now, all of the sudden we’re just nice. She asks wtf is wrong with us. I replied with “Everything”. I’m still keeping my frame.
I guess made a mistake by saying you’re a very rational choice, we click on many levels. She’s fucked off. “Rational” is one word she didn’t wanted to her from me. She repeats “Rational decision???” a few times. Finally she tells me something I can believe: the blackout NYE night she realized she didn’t wanted that. I realize she saw me as an obligation (huge interest drop). I know she’s has a fobia of relationships, I told her to drop the fear and live and she said it’s true, fear is a reason why I usually run out when I have feelings for somebody, but this is not the case. I just can’t believe that, her body language is suggesting otherwise. She asks “why would I sabotage a relationship before being in one when I’m quite capable of doing so from within it?” I didn’t reply as her rationalization was obvious. My frame is a little shakey but I hang in there. She tells me that when she wants something she goes for it but I know now she stays in front of it, waiting for the person to make the move. She goes into “all I want is peace and quiet”. Finally we agreed that we just wasted an hour without solving anything…
I left something out, I think it’s important: We parted on a particular note, she saying “I’m sticking to my story”. Things will never be the same she said. I believe that. Miss the good times though. I don’t love her but I could have easily do so. I hope she doesn’t love me. She’s all over my facebook account. I keep quiet. Don’t want to hurt her. She’s attracted to me, I’m attracted to her and tonight I’ll be dating somebody else.
I’m still not sure if i pushed the jerk card too much, didn’t create enough attraction or just didn’t built enough comfort.
Blackout Beta backsliding was awful but didn't seem to shake things, she still seeks my presence. The other day I was heavily hitting on a chick while she was at the same table. Seems she couldn't seep all night cu of that and, as usual, she's watching my every move.
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