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she says "we will escalate when i say we will escalate" i know thats horrible!!
how can i regain control?
Wow, that is horrible - sounds like you have a bossy one! But it is also quite obvious to me that she is not 100% comfortable with you. You need to make sure she is comfortable and I believe you should slow down the escalation a bit and feel her vibes regarding her level of comfort. Do not try and force anything, because you won't get anywhere.
The way my ex got me was by slowly escalating kino and therefore building sexual tension. He kept me at arm's length and then just when I couldn't take it anymore, he made his move. We had a four year relationship following that.