Update: She told me last night she was raped in January of this year. She went to a doctor to get checked out, and she's clean. She hasn't been to any counseling yet. She hasn't told her family including her mother or sister whom she is close with. When she first told me something bad had happened two months ago, I told her I would never do anything to harm her. Later when she told me she wanted to take things slow physically, I thought it might have been rape which is why I originally posted in here; I told her if my advances physically ever made her uncomfortable I would always stop and it would be ok. I've done what I said I would do in that regard.

Since then I had my worries, which I posted in here. Most of which were just me worrying that this girl didn't really like me that much. I over thought a few things, and other things like her not calling or seeing me as much as I like were discussed. We get along really well, we have fun together, we share a lot of interests, and we both have similar goals for the future. I consider her a rare find, in that I haven't found these same qualities in other women I have been dating. Earlier this week we decided to become exclusive. It was a good step for both of us, but I'm still aware and determined there won't be any other larger commitments made (moving in, me giving too much money or help, marriage) for quite some time until we know each other a lot better; and I get a better understanding of what the burden of this sexual assault is really going to be on me. So far all I know is that I'm not getting sex, or anything close to it for some time...and that's a hard enough pill to swallow.

Up until last night (two months of dating twice a week) she hadn't told me details of what happened, and up until last night I haven't pushed things at all physically. We were both clothed and kissing on the couch, and I had my hand on her shoulder, moved it down towards her breast. She said that made her feel really nervous, so I stopped. We talked about sex and she broke down and cried, and told me she had been sexually assaulted. She told me not to tell anyone including her family. Due to the fact I had assumed rape from the beginning, I had read a bit and knew what not to do/say and a bit of what to say, and I told her that in no way what happened was her fault. I told her that I am a strong person, a patient person, and I have high hopes for our relationship.

I've obviously built a strong trust, strong enough that she was willing to tell me this prior to her own family and close friends. What she needs is someone with confidence and someone who she feels is a rock that she can lean against while she heals. But the key for her here is that she needs to do what it takes to help herself heal. As has been mentioned in here, I can't be her therapist. Somehow I hope this differentiation can be made in her mind.

Now for me. I know full well that I'm going to struggle with this and it scares the shit out of me. What some have you have said is true, there are a million other women out there for me that could be just what I'm looking for and be healthier for me. I know that there is a hero complex that guys get too...I've had it before and sacrificed too much. The difference this time is I understand better than some (due to my own relationship experience) what the weight of a heavy burden can do to a guy so my decision making process on this will be somewhat more calculated. It already has been and the fact I am as scared and worried about myself and thinking about how this is going to affect me rather than just about her feelings is proof of that.

She's going to have to help herself, and for now I can offer my support. At this point I don't know what that means, I'm going to have to start reading more and looking into how to help her. I may also need help myself. If I do see her helping herself and I see improvements with physical intimacy I imagine I'll be able to stick with it...providing the rest of the relationship is good and we grow as a couple in non-physical areas. This is where I need the help of guys who have been through this type of situation before. I want to go about this efficiently so as to increase the probability of success that she heals. I need a heads up as to what to expect and how to tackle this so I don't do anything that will set us back in her healing process, or in my own ability to deal with the situation.

Well I figure it's time for an update here.

Been seeing this girl as boyfriend girlfriend since mid december now I guess. Still haven't gotten laid. She breaks down pretty much every time I try to take things past heavy petting. I bought her a book and she's started to read it.

This past weekend she decided to open up more about why she doesn't want to have sex. Turns out, after her engagement she started sleeping around a lot. I didn't ask for a number or anything. She told me she was molested by her step brother when she was younger, then was engaged to some lunatic. After that she felt like the only way she could control her sex life was to initiate sex with men, but that more often than not once she was in the act she felt out of control and sick. She says more often than not she felt ashamed for it, and the sex hurt her more often than not too. She said she wanted to get out of that pattern but just kept doing it. She says she knew living that lifestyle would eventually hurt someone, and she says she's worried she has hurt me. I told her it's not easy to hear about a girls past like that, and it has been bothering me, but it's not the end of the world.

Truth is, I was falling in love with her up until she told me this and now I'm finding myself more and more closed off. I expected maybe she has slept with a fair number of guys...and that didn't bother me in the least. I was under the assumption she had a long term relationship that didn't work out, and she dated a few guys after that for short periods. That's sort of where I'm coming from too and I connected with her on that level. Finding out all the rest of this is a bit much for me, I can't connect with her anymore in regards to that, and now I feel pretty distant from her. I felt bad for her that she had been raped, and while I didn't know the details, I didn't realize she was continually sleeping around and putting herself in positions to have that happen. At the end of the day, the rape isn't her fault, but it is one of those things (along with STD's and pregnancy) that you risk when you live a lifestyle like that. She says it made her feel horrible and again. I honestly would have never guessed she lived that kind of life and now with her not sleeping with me...it's like I have so much confusion, jealousy, and a mix of other emotions about it I just don't know how to deal with it. Part of me really believes her, but part of me does look at her as a slut and I think she'd still be living that life if she hadn't been raped and scared from it. Now I have a choice to believe that her core being is a wonderful person who never wanted that life and help her heal from it, or just decide I can't be that guy. Looking at her as a slut just doesn't make sense given what a sweet person she is, even though my mind takes me there at times.

I bought her a book on sexual healing when I found out about the rape. One of the symptoms of sexual insest abuse and other abuse is vaginal pain. So part of me believes her when she says there is pain...put then I wonder why she'd continue to sleep with guys if it always caused her pain. It all seems so fucked up...but then again...if someone has mental issues then I guess it falls in line. She seems really afraid to have sex with me for the pain reason, because she has flashbacks, and I guess because she doesn't trust me enough although that is less of a reason at this point. She told me the other day she thinks she will heal faster than she used to think because I have been so supportive and non-judgemental. Bottom line is...she has no idea that in the back of my mind I am struggling greatly with all of this.

I know I deserve a girl who is open with me and can have great sex with me. It pisses me off she didn't let me know about this sooner, but I can understand wanting to hide something like that when you really like someone. I certainly haven't told her I got blow jobs from a prostitute on two occasions and I don't intend to. I'm not sure how much more time I can put into this. Other than sex and dealing with her past, the relationship is great...but at that I may as well just call it a friendship. I just can't see myself being able to stick it out. I'm not exactly why it bothers me so much she has slept with so many guys either. Perhaps it's just my own trust and confidence issues speaking out. I honestly worry that her past behavioral patterns will come up again at some point if I was to be in a long term relationship with her. But maybe that's being judgmental in itself. I don't know. Bottom line is, she is using me as a crutch for sure, and I am getting next to nothing out of it aside from a great friendship. I don't want to hurt her healing process, but I need to think about myself too.

We'll see what happens...

My man, situations like these really break my heart. This is a situation that you can't change, you can't help. My advice isn't the same as some of the others, I suggest for you to cut off any romantic involvement with this girl. This relationship is not healthy for you or her, deep down you want to get your dick wet and you're frustrated. She is probably upset/depressed that she can't give you what she wants, she wants to badly but in her mind she believes that she can't do it.

If I was you, like you mentioned I would keep her as a friend, this way you can have your hero complex and her being happy which will improve the healthiness of your relationships. This relationship isn't helping either of you guys, for whatever reason you don't want to feel like an asshole for leaving her, but it's what you got to do for yourself.

Break up with her as fast as you can!!!
This girl is gonna destroy you emotionally, I even think she might be sleeping with other dudes behind your back, if not it will happen and you will be emotionally crushed, common man, she's an adult , she must know that's she not fulfulling her duty as girlfriend!! If this happend to you instead of her, she would never give you that much time,she's using u man,please break up with her now that you only know her for maybe 4months, cause how longer this taked, how more difficult it will be to break up. It's emotionally,mentally and physically demeaning to be with someone like that.

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“The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.”-Barney Stinson

Psycho -_- Can't you consider that girl got also a psyché that can be harm? That they are not just some vagina with fonctional gender assigment? You are a sick man :/

Rory gave you the best advice but even with hero complex i'm not sure you can't really help her. Healing someone is not something you can do like you want. You, as a people, not as a medecine man, can just give direction, or increase self-esteam, but real healing is near impossible because of one thing : there is a part of you who want her to heal for yourself, having sex or be sure she likes you (things are sex is not a proof she likes you). (Don't worry i'm not judging you, we all have some part like that conscious or inconscious)

If you want to heal someone it has to be totaly disinterest, otherwise she will feel it, and not totally trust your words. Remember why by doing nice thing you don't get laid? Because the girl thinks you are not sincere. It's the same principle.

Now, you can stay and try to help her, as i can read you are really acting in a good way and could be of a good influence on her.

If you stay to heal her, i suggest you go to a psychologist while doing this in order for you to have some stable ground. Or something that can be for you a kind of private space where you can recover your mind and seeing things from a different perspective. (so not necessaraly something that will "empty your mind")
There will be a fight, an inconscious fight, one trying to drain the other, a destructive psyché (who try to recover) and a "normal" (don't know you) psyché, the stronger will win.

If it can help, you have to know that her psyché is also trying to help her, i mean a psyche heal itself, external influence (you or environment) will just influence on the time it will take but also on the direction. The psyche can heal by creating psychical and physical defense against the world (bad healing) or by making growiing up the person and doing a good integration of the bad experience.
Your psyche will also give you direction, so i think you should try to record your dreams and see what they said. Trust me they really could help.

Now if you choose to help : You can give her some ground but don't expect to heal her. If you stay you will learn a lot about you, about people in general, you will growing up. But you will certainly fail, 'cause you are not a medecine man.
Even if you are able to put herself on her feet again, you have to take into account the possibility that she will leave you (but it's just a possibility) because she will need to move on from her old self and you will remember her old self. So be prepare.


I suggest you to read the novel Paradoxia from Lydia Lunch, it's the true story of a woman, abuse while she was a child by his father, seeking revenge against men by fucking them

You should also perhaps read some Jungian psychoanalysis, it could really help.

What psycho?She's gonna fuck him over you'll see. She's refusing to have sex with him and she had a lifestyle of having sex with a lot men??He needs to get some other females in his life and forget about this one.

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“The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.”-Barney Stinson

I don't know about anyone else but I get the impression that if the OP did break up with her then I'd bet that within the month she would be having sex with someone?

To the OP - I'd be tempted to voice the concerns your having (minus the slut part). You seem to be able to put your points across in a logical and calm manor. Just be honest with her.

The biggest truth on this forum is "you gotta be ready to lose the girl in order to keep the girl"

I'd be very tempted to say that you have feelings for her but your worried that she views it as a friendship and not a ROMANTIC relationship. Say that you would feel guilty pressuring her for sex so you think it might be best if you were just friends...

LJBF her and gauge her reaction!

Well another update.

I have managed to stay in a relationship with this girl. She is really fantastic. We spend most weekends together doing activities we enjoy. We go to concerts, dinners, hang out with friends. We go to church on Sundays, cook meals together, go shopping together. I have little to no concern about her being with any other men.

There is still no sex, in fact, there's nothing even close to it. In February she was giving me hand jobs...but we had to stop that because it was making her feel uncomfortable. She is slowly reading through the book I bought her and if anything that is making her more aware of how severe her negative mindset towards sex really is. I haven't forced anything on her and stop every time she says stop. She spends most weekends at my place and we sleep in the same bed. She kisses me and enjoys me fondling her breasts, she enjoys touching and holding each other. She is not ready for sex, and likely won't be for a long time. She wants to heal, but she has to do it on her own. There has been little progression in terms of her initiating any physical contact with me. I've been nothing but encouraging to her, and she has grown to trust me too.

I have been going to see a counselor for myself. I'm not sure what will come of this relationship, but it is one based on honesty, openness, respect, and trust. My hope at this point is that will translate into a comfortable situations for her to want to heal in. We both don't know what sex for us means in the future. I'm pretty nervous about that. I fear the worst at times, but perhaps something great could come out of it too.

All in all the friendship we are developing is fantastic. If anything it will end up just being that. We are both aware of the difficulty surrounding this situation, and she has given me the green light to leave if it's too much for me to handle. Time will tell.

Not sure what kind of advice to give here but if you really want sex then try making her hornier, compliment her, etc. Kiss her heavy and say something like we should stop this while still kissing her. You have conditioned her to resist when you try to have sex so you gotta use a different tactic.

When she says she feels uncomfortable and you stop, act not bothered as usual and after a little while start kissing and try again. Go down on her if she lets you. Eventually you will get through her barrier as long as you dont keep going about it like an afc.

If it still doesnt work out, which I would be surprised, then just be friends with her and see other women. Does she work out? do meditation? Read self help books? These things should help her heal faster.

Also, dont talk too much about her negative past. Keep thing positive, fun and exciting.

I've dated maybe 4 victims... all I can say about is that sex is much more a investment for them. When it happens the sex will change your relationship. Most likely for the worse.... I know its bad to say (don't like it don't turn to a pick up forum) but she's damaged goods. After sex usually they start to get violent. This is just my opinion. She might be diff. Good luck

Well still with this girlfriend of mine. Still no sex. She rarely initiates a hug or kiss except for greetings and goodbyes. She has finally checked herself into some counseling. That's a huge step for her. Our friendship is pretty solid and I hope that trust continues. I really don't think she's cheating or sleeping around on me, I trust her quite a bit to do as she says she's doing. She says she loves me, and she's aware it hurts me that she can't express it in a physically affection way. She says for now I need to know she loves me through our exclusive commitment and the deeper conversation and friendship we have. We talk about marriage in a general sense...our ideas line up pretty well. That's not to say we are moving towards marriage or even thinking about an engagement. But we are asking questions and finding out if we're close to the same page in some pretty key areas. Otherwise there's not much point in continuing on anyway.

She says I need to find value in that as well, and she's right I do...but she's also aware she needs to heal and has told me she's working on it. She finished reading the sexual healing journey book I gave her, and this step to go to counseling is pretty big I think. She knows that affection does need to grow and unfortunately with her it just is going to have to grow way slow. She's also aware that I too have some insecurities that she wants me to deal with so I'm not just using her affection to cover those up. So I'm doing that, and I'm trying my best. I think it helps her to know we are both working on things so it doesn't just single her out.

I really hope the counselor can help her along here. I just feel like I need that counselor to be good, to expose and work on those issues she has so she can't hide from them anymore. And hopefully she continues to heal as she says she will. I have to trust her that she's doing that.

heffty, you are a better man than i.

i wouldn't be able to be anything but friends with a person like that.

no physical contact, no sex (in my mind) = no love.

only LONGING for the day the love (and its physical manifestations) come.

good luck to you.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

I agree!

To the OP...I really believe that your some form of free healing for her or a comfort blanket. After all this time there really should be physical progress.

I read through this thread again and one part really worries me...She never told her family?! That's one thing I would of been pushing for from the start!! In fact I would of been so worried about her I might of told her parents about the rape! They would of been a big part of her healing but instead youve taken that role and are paying for it!!

Sexual urges for best friends are normally low and she even mentioned friendship to you!

Macks advice is not as cold as you think... Essentially right now you have a friendship...a very deep one but just a friendship. If it where me I'd tell her that the lack of affection (physical) has been tough for you deal with. Tell her that without physicality you two are really only just best friends so you think it might be sensible to call it that. You can keep on helping her but I'd really try to find someone else who can give you everything.

This might show her that you do have some backbone and are not willing to bend over backwards and jump through her loops regarding timescale. It might also make her realise what she may lose. Or she might not even care to much and totally agree, in which case you've done the right thing!

She may even find a new guy and jump straight in to bed...in which case again you've done the right thing!

Sometimes a bit of tough love is needed and it sounds like you've tried everything else.

Not telling her family is BIG red flag to me. It would have me wondering why?!

i picture this guy investing years into her, helping her "repair" every aspect of her psyche and personality, and then her going and banging some other dude on the side. i would shoot myself.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Update:

Married this girl August 29th 2014. She came into my room the night of the wedding with hot lingerie on. We had sex passionately and I will always remember how she looked and felt. The honeymoon was backpacking in Italy and she initiated sex there...although it was very subtle and she was anything but crazy in bed. She lives with me now and if I want sex she will let me have it most times. But...she does not initiate and doesn't do much to progress the act to intercourse. She's been in counseling for a few years now, and we've been in couples counseling too. Definitely the lack of initiation on her part brings up some issues that I have with shame and insecurity so I have seen a counselor myself. It will take a long time for us to get our individual shit together before we are in the clear and enjoying sex together and feel more free spirited. I suppose learning this together is where real intimacy can be found rather than expecting it from a feeling you get when you first meet a girl. If I don't look at it that way...and rely on the expectations I had for sex from the beginning I would be pretty disappointed all the time...and I will say, often I am.

Everything else in life with her is pretty good. She cooks, cleans, works, budgets well, doesn't spend money on stupid shit, wants kids, my family and friends like her, her family and friends like me...but yeah...sex has been difficult and it takes a real hit on our happiness together.

I only came on here because I figured I'd give some hope to guys like me dating a girl who was raped. Totally not an easy thing to do and things take painfully forever to move forward. Maybe I'll come back on here in a few years and give another update.