Mack...

I have a girlfriend of a bit more then a year.

I feel lately she's been less intrested in me, she contacts me less, we meet less. Now, i know we are getting used to eachother. So we are a bit in a downfall of the relationship.

Now the AFC me would be go and care too much for this girl, if i feel i'm losing her. Which will eventually make me lose her.

Now my girl is a little insecure. Example, If we go to the stores she's always nagging on the fact that she finds herself fat. (In her head.) Or if i see some of my friends, when me and her are together, and i said, nah let them, don't feel the need to go talk to them. She asks if i don't want to get seen with her :/?

So if i contact her less, she gets all insecure on me, asking me out... And if i still want to be with her etc.

So i want to regain that intrest level as it used to be. Without me needing to explain it afterwards, sucks :/.

Suggestions?

It's not "AFC" to reassure somebody you're still attracted to them. This whole concern with coming off as AFC is getting a bit out of hand. You've been with her a year, this is not a girl you're still trying to game, you've got her already.

When I say reassure her, I don't mean "honey, no you're not fat, you're beautiful to me!". What I do mean is making her feel sexy such as engage in more foreplay, engage in role play, buying sexy lingerie for her, touch her discretely in public (e.g. fingers rubbing gently back of her neck. small of her back etc..), go on picnics ANYTHING that'll make her feel special and valued.

All those will help but may also just address the issue on a superficial level. If her insecurities are quite extreme then she'll need to do some self work. Insecurities can arise from any number of things, but often they stem from an insecure bond so I'm curious to know if there's any reason for her to doubt the relationship, or if there's something else going on for her right now that it is triggering these feelings.

Thanks for replying.

With AFC i mean, constant txt her or call her becuase i don't hear anything from her. (Insecuirty on my part) so it's a decent concern.

What do you mean with insecure bond, with me with her parents, with her family?

We talked about this and she said she has been insecure her whole life. Also on some things she can be very chaotic. (in her head)

If she's insecure in general, it may do her some good to seek counselling to help her work through it; this is not your task and you do not want to become her 'therapist' as it changes the power dynamic in the relationship. If she grew up being insecurely attached to those around her chances are this will persist and no amount of reassurance will mitigate these feelings. What you do not want to do is become reactive as it'll only exacerbate her anxieties and make things more difficult for the both of you. It is important to recognize her insecurities for what they are (her problem, and one in which she'll need to address). By this I'm not suggesting you be insensitive towards her but rather lend support, be empathic, and perhaps encourage her to get help in overcoming this not only for the benefit of your relationship but also for her own personal betterment.

we've all been there.

one-itis is a bitch.

it's also a natural part of life.

one-itis isn't something that we can just shake off as a decision.

the ability to avoid/defeat one-itis comes from one thing and one thing only...

wanna know what it is?

i'll tell you:

self-respect

let me say it again in case you missed it:

SELF-RESPECT

before we begin to learn the unkind and unfortunate truths of the world around us,

before we begin to understand that the world is a cold place and most people only have their own self-interest at heart,

before we begin to realize that we are all truly alone from cradle to grave...

we tend to fill that "ignorance" (of reality) with romantic notions that breed one-itis.

only the experience of being walked on,

stepped on,

shit on,

cheated on,

lied to,

toyed with,

disrespected,

unappreciated,

used,

abused,

etc...

before we live through those experiences we don't have a true understanding of self-respect.

self-respect is not something that can be taught.

it is not something that can be read and practiced.

it is something that comes only from one thing:

hitting rock bottom in life

if you haven't been there,

trust me, some day you will.

i used to put women on a pedastal.

i used to define myself by whether or not i had a girlfriend,

and by how much attention she allowed me,

how much she praised me,

or seemed to adore me,

wanted to be with me.

for me, rock bottom came when:

- i supported the mother of my child all the way through highschool, through college three times, bought her a new car, and a new house, with a beautiful yard, and finally was able to provide for her all of the security and creature comforts that people desire in life...

then she cheated on me, disrespected me,

even fucked a random guy off the internet the night of my birthday.

she looked me right in the eye and said "i don't care about you, never did"

we were together for over ten years before that.

i was a perfect gentleman and a great provider/father/lover (fucked her right all the time)

but she knew i cared. to her, i was needy.

that night i thought something broke inside of me.

turns out, something didn't break.

actually it was something sprouting:

self-respect

from that moment forward, i would NEVER:

- compromise my beliefs/happiness/morals for a woman
- take a back seat to a woman
- be disrespected or made to feel like a lesser man to a woman

i am rambling...

and you are probably thinking "what the fuck is this mack guy talking about?"

the point is this: you've got one-itis.

you are wondering how to prove yourself to this girl.

"how can i prove to her i've changed?"

fuck that shit.

you never have to prove shit to a woman, not any woman.

never, ever...

let her prove herself to you.

once you chode yourself out,

you are compromised forever in the eyes of that woman.

she will always see/remember your afc ways.

time to move on.

_________________
what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Papi, i appreciate your input, but i'm wondering what mack has to say about my situation.

Thanks

ah, you are fooling yourself.

rookie mistake.

you are assuming that she is actually and truly insecure.

and that her insecurities, questions, doubts are genuine.

lol

they are not.

let me clarify.

ALL women are insecure.

mine, yours, the neighbors, the girl down the street.

but the fact that she is putting these challenges out there to you...

they are shit tests.

i sense that you are too passive in this relationship.

you need to be a leader.

you need to game her hard and regularly.

like any other chick.

NEVER get "comfortable" with your girlfriend...

or you will lose her.

and i don't mean that you should be afraid of losing a girl.

you should just realize that if you enjoy her company,

you need to conduct yourself in a certain way.

when your girlfriend says "i feel so fat"

what do you do?

be honest, what do you say?

the only acceptable response is to grab her ass, squeeze it, pull her close, and whisper in her ear "but i luvz the way your bootie wobbles when i pound you from behind!"

and then nibble on her ear...

_________________
what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Mack...My girlfriend is more popular, smarter and wittier than me.OUCH that hurt, but its true.She is a good looking girl, she could easily find another guy and she gets alot of attention from other guys.
At the moment i'm investing more into her then she is to me.I know this is wrong.I know also for a fact that i'm way too nice to her.Just whenever im not nice and i call her up on things she just says Fine and acts likes shes not bothered and then ill get a text later and she be out clubbing which gets me paranoid cause if she's pissed off at me and she has other guys approaching her, what then?

Im a good looking guy, but my inner game at the moment is shit..i feel like i think twice about what to say when i'm with her and i even hate texting cause i feel like i come across as boring so i usually just ring her.But when i ring her it me doing 99% of the talking and coming up with the conversations, actually this is true most of the time..even when out if i don't talk she will say nothing and its an awkward silence.Shes far from shy though, when her mates are around shes the life and soul of the party...

The reason I think she's staying with me is because lookwise i'm her type and im nice to her, i make her feel good about herself and cared for..i just feel like we have no connecion together or just don't click yet...she is actually a cool girl, i like her and i know she does like me

just im afraid to act like less invested because she has more social value than me at the the moment

Mack,

Thank you for the awesome reply. I appreciate the time and effort put into it. Really shows me your replies are thorough and in depth.

In the past two days I have gone down hill. Everything you said to me has been taken note and I understand it is about perspective. I am better off than so many people and I need to realize that.

The problems I have currently are ones that I need to fix and are about me, nothing to do with anyone else. I am a wreck. Its serious and I might see a doctor but I should be able to fix this on my own: I cant sleep. Its killing me slowly. The sad thing is... I will get 2 hours sleep one night, and I expect to sleep the next night easily, but I lie in bed, for hours, starring at the cieling, Just thinking and I do everything, count backwards, all the tricks, and I can`t sleep. Even if the body is tired. I get this pain in the back of my head from just exhaustion. The worst part is the bags. My dad goes, are you okay, you look a mess, and I get angry at him and I fucking flip shit, me and him dont see eye to eye and he picks on me all the time. But he is right, I look and feel a mess, I feel exhausted, please help me.

The second one is, I care too much about what others think. Is it possible that the best solution for me would be to forget about everyone else, girls, and just focus on me. I need to get my soccer scholarship back up, i need to get my grades back up, I need to sort my life out for food and money. I am a wreck and a nervous ball and stressed and I WANT TO FUCKING PUNCH SOMETHING RIGHT NOW IM SO TIRED AND FRUSTRATED.

I feel like my life is going down hill when I have had the opportunities for it to go up hill.

While I think about it, I read this awesome forum between Mack and Lodewijkp discussing, never be open to a girl. What If I am a sensitive guy. What is wrong wtih being yourself and telling a girl, I love you, You make me feel so special and you are the only one out there for me I ever want. I feel like a pussy now but I want to say that to a girl some day. Why is everything difficult.

Why right now do I miss my ex girlfriend, she is with another guy, she is with him and happy with him and she was the best girl I ever had and honestly I can think off. She had the nicest body (you know what I mean) and she had the sweetest personality and cutest actions. My needy personality drove her away. I hate myself for it, and I will never get her back, the last thing I said to her is that she is a slut and has zero self respect for herself... because of what she told me she did with her boyfriend the FIRST time I spoke to her after a year.

I am 20, and Yet I feel like everything is falling apart and that right now, there are more things to be sad about then happy.

I use to be happy, the source of happiness for others, in High School I always was the joker and had never a reason to be sad.

I changed, "only constant is change"... That s true, fuck that though I didnt want to change into this.

I want to get it all together, they say the ones with problems are lucky because confidence can be gained from fixing it all. I dont know how to fix this all, I need guidance. I need it laid out for me simply and prioritized so I can Check it off one by one.

I feel like having a girlfriend will relax me, make me a better person, make me feel wanted.

I dont feel wanted. I don`t feel like the man I was once, maybe that was all a joke, maybe this is the real life and I am not ready for it.

My dad says grow up, mature... I dont even know what he means by that or how to do that.

I can`t believe I even let that bitch play me back at college, she had a boyfriend, hooked up with me for a month and went back to him, should I tell her how much of a slut she is. How I hate her, How I dont even want her to be near me. Even though on the inside, I want her to be with me, and want to be with me.

Sorry I am all over the place, I feel like a mess.

i hate to oversimplify.

so i will just ... simplify.

when you are dealing with a Dime (HB10),

you either have to have rock solid game or be on par with her.

realize that your value to your girlfriend is not particularly tied to your looks.

it's been said a million times.

but it's true.

men are way more interested in looks than women.

women tend to look at social status, confidence, and grooming.

if you can't pull it off, trade down.

i intentionally don't date women with typical looks because i find that their perception of themselves and their value is way out of line with their actual beauty and worth.

i would never date a girl with an "i am a model" complex.

way too much work and attention on her.

my life would be hell.

_________________
what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

as expected (and predicted) you have entirely missed the point and circled right back around to the same pity party that you started with.

wow, and in record time.

ok, since several well-thought out and time-consuming responses have failed to enlighten you, let me put it more simply (into one sentence):

your life doesn't revolve around having/getting/maintaining a girlfriend.

basically...

focus on "getting a life" and maybe cool girls will come your way.

don't focus on "getting a girl" and hope that a cool life will come your way.

you are thinking bass-ackwards.

as i predicted.

_________________
what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Mack, Okay I understand I may not of gotten the full drift. But I will give your reply a read one more time. Dont think I didnt read it in full depth cuz i did.

"get a life, and cool people will come to you"... Thats my problem, I dont have a cool life. I dont havea social circle nor do I know what to necessarily do.

I was thinking of doing school, football, and get a job, but that leaves me no time for girls and to be with friends...

What do you think

I also think im loosing funny vibe when I am with my girlfriend. Usually when I am with other chicks I get tons of laughter when teasing them etc and I used to be like that with my gf too, but I dont get the so much of that vibe anymore. Any suggestions?

being funny is overrated.

being sexual and dominant is better.

to be honest, women don't have a "sense of humor" in the typical fashion that we imagine it.

seems pretty simple, no? if a joke is funny...we laugh. it's not that way with women.

think about it...

you ever had a girl who is completely INTO you? and you say stupid shit or things that aren't even funny and she just laughs and giggles?

i know ^this^ has happened to me far too many times to count.

conversely, i have also been in situations where i had everyone in the room in tears, holding their sides in pain from the laughter...and hot ONE giggle from my LTR.

now, is that because i am not funny?

um, no.

is it because women are preoccupied with the state of the relationship?

yes, it is.

with women EVERYTHING is conditional.

marinate on that for a minute.

even LOVE is conditional with women.

if you do not provide, dominate, and maintain frame, she will Un-Love you in a hot minute.

so if women are this fickle with the theoretical emotion of "love", imagine how fickle they can be with things such a "sense of humor".

i've seen this play out time and time again.

i am a funny guy. i mean, in person ... legitimately ... hilarious at times.

hell, my sister and brother-in-law invite me over for beer because "i make them laugh" with my stories and jokes. they literally say "come over for beer. we need a good laugh."

yet, my ex NEVER laughed at anything i did or said.

just another example of how big of a pain-in-the-ass relationships can be.

don't sweat it.

if she refuses to laugh when you are funny. then stop being funny.

it's a shit test as well.

she sees you gaming (silly, funny, humor) and she thinks "hmm, well, if i don't laugh at his stupid jokes, will he keep doing it? will he keep telling them? or trying to make me laugh?"

can i make this guy put on a show like a dancing monkey for me?

how many TRULY hilarious female comedians have you seen in your time?

they are out there.

but they are quite rare.

there is a reason for that.

being the center of the universe is a mentally and emotionally taxing activity.

it doesn't leave much time for the simple pleasures in life...

such as:

laughter

_________________
what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Nice! You are RSA ( relationship artist )
Sometimes when I ask my gf what she is thinking or what made her so serious, I get zero answers from her.
She goes behind excuse that we are no friends, as I got some answers from Lodewijkp. That means she wants to bigger emotsional connection with me, aight.
So today when talking in fb I thought how to fix that and started to shoot some openers to her.
I got some nice answers and it was happy conversation, we got into talk mood.
I'd like to know if I am on the right way to achive better emotsional connection when I am useing openers etc for that or is there better ways.
Also yesterday I wanted to see knight and day again and so we watched it together. There was part when Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are talking about their dreams and what they wanna do on Someday. After movie I asked her what are her Somedays, but that conversation didn't end very well. I have also asked what are her life most defining moments, but I fucked up that conversation too with
giving too silly answers, because I don't know how to express myself very well. So are there any good anwers to these topics or do I need something outside of the box when I want to get better emotsional connection.