she has issues.

and i don't say that to be funny or make light of the situation.

we here that phrase all the time nowadays,

and it's always good for a laugh.

but seriously...from what you just described...she definitely has issues.

what precisely they are and where they come from, i can't be sure.

i can tell you that they are severe enough that you will suffer for them.

why can i tell you that?

because it's already happened.

and that means it will happen again.

look at the situation that she has completely manifested out of thin air...

"her issues" are the only cause/precursor of the situation that you are in now.

think about that.

and think about what that means for the future.

to be honest, if you are as innocent as you claim, and she is as nuts as you've described... i would tell her to get help.

you are describing a person who destroys relationships preemptively.

work relationships, friendships, and now romantic relationships (now you).

if you sign on for this, at least be aware of what you are signing on for.

girls "with issues" can be attractive in their own weird and damaged little ways.

to us, as guys, it can almost seem comedic (at first) and cute (to an extent)...

it doesn't end up working that way...

if anything you end up being dragged through the ninth ring of hell and left bloodied and depleted by her insanity.

good luck. you are going to need it with this one.

Another question then :p

So, months ago I told my GF that I was going to spend christmas with my family, because of our tradition and shit and that on the second christmas day I would come by to her and her parents at their house.

This happened yesterday.

We told each other that we would not buy a present for each other 2 weeks beforehand due to her not being able to come up with something and that she wasn't able to find the present she was looking for for me. So we both agreed that we would not buy each other something this year, but would use that money we would normally spend on each other, and use it to do something together (like going out to dinner or something).

I'm absolutely fine with this.

--

Now, when I went over to her yesterday. One of the first things she said that how much she has missed me and that her grandma found it very strange for me not be there for 1st christmas day when her family went out to visit the rest of the familiy.

That is clue number one.

Then, her parents suprised me by giving me all sorts of gifts and presents that were absolutely awesome. Even the grandmother of my GF had left something behind to give to me. And the fact that her parents apparently waited for ME to let the "opening of presents" moment to commence, well.. It was a bit overwhelming, I did not expect anything like it. As if they put a lot of worth into my company.

But my GF was sitting next to me, she looked pretty unhappy. When her mother went out by giving the first gift to her father, my GF said "No, are we gonna do presents now? I don't feel like doing presents now." - I was a bit confused by that remark.
Allthroughout the opening of presents, she gave gifts and received gifts but still had that mild look of unhappiness on her pretty little face.

Later we went upstairs, we talked, I said that she looked like she was on the verge of crying and if something was wrong. She said that nothing was wrong (duh). Then she said some time later out of the blue "I'm sad that we aren't doing anything fun lately, we plan stuff but it never comes to fruitition".

Then we talked some more and I then insisted upon doing something fun next week when we are both free from work and school, to go to an amusement park and go to Amsterdam on different days. We are also going to spend the NYE at her place. So I would have that count as fun things to do. She did not seem too enthusiastic (I think due to her sad feelings overall), but she agreed.

She then sat up straight, told me to come sit close to her and basically asked for a hug. We started kissing, making out, I made jokes, she started to laugh and we just were the happy couple again for a full hour. It felt good to be able to have her smile and laugh so much after the small depression she was in 1 hour ago.

That made me realise something, and I think I need your help with this one: It was if all the talking I did beforehand did not make her sadness go away. No, her sadness went away when we started making out, when we got physical. She could not stop smiling and laughing, telling me how much she loved me. But it was SHE who iniatiated this physical contact.

Now I'm guessing that this is what she wanted out of me all along when we were up there on her room. She wanted me to make her feel better on a physical level, instead of talking so goddamn much (about her sadness).

Why did I not see it? I just wish I had more insight in this. I mean, I actually wanted to make out with her, but I just did not see the possibility in my mind. I saw myself initiating, but being rejected by her. + her sad look and withdrawn body language somehow told me enough.

Now that I think about it, I probably should stand up and say in a stern dominant voice "Allright, that's enough sadness for one hour" then I push her on the bed and start making out.

Something like that :p

When I got back home later, she said she loved me but told me that she really really missed me on those christmas days and that she wasn't feeling well at all about it during.

I think what happened, is that all her nephews and nieces did bring their BF\GF to the dinner and she got left out, probably feeling lonely. I also think her grandmother did not approve of me not being there and her mother did a bit of the same. I think that a lot of social pressure was placed upon her like this and that that is the reason she felt so bad and depressed when I actually was there on the second day of christmas.

So two things I'm curious about:

What do you think, was I indeed "bad" for not attending to her christmas dinner while I had family stuff of my own to attend to too?

How do I make sure I can make her happy when she is feeling down. Would the solution I mentioned above be something?

I just feel like i'm missing out on something, like something she's trying to tell me but I'm not receiving the message. If I can get that handled, it would be easier to know what the fuck she's actually feeling.

Any other suggestions?

Thanks!

Ty mack!

I discover because when we were talking about past relationships we eventually got talking about her ex, I mean her boyfriend. And I’m really good at reading body language, so I saw she was hidden something, ask if she was still dating the ex. And she confirmed this. She told me she was waiting for the right time to tell.
But again afraid of losing me.

Mack already told her that, that she lied to me , and that something I cant forgive that easy, that the girl I knew, is no more. And I call her out, now seriously who the fuck does that. Told her that her behavior was irrational because she gambled her relantioship with her b/f, my friendship , and even or “attraction”. How stupid can she be, my only guess is that she loves all this drama.

I really don’t care or even see a future or whatever we want to call it, she showed me her true face, that’s isn’t something I can forget . She lied to me. She should be happy if I still be her friend, which, I seriously believe now, that she never been my friend , she only had and hidden agenda, that was winning the challenge, meaning me.

And I was worried if should lie to her in order to get in her pants. How ironic.

This little episode showed me something, that again im going to take as a learning experience.

But I seriously I want revenge on this girl. Think Im going screw her best friend, to see if she likes it, or now manipulate on my own little terms, like I would with any other girl, Because in truth she is not my friend I can see that..

Bah womens I met this girl when I was 8years we spent all vacations together. And still girls do this shit.

Question for you Mack:

I've recently gotten pretty physical with a broad who I'd previously been in the friend zone with by disappearing for a while and then just saying fuck it, completely changing the way I am with her, and telling her I was gonna nail her ass. We've done everything but fuck, and she keeps telling me that fucking requires a relationship between two people in love, blah blah blah.
I'm at the point where I want to tell her "fine, let's try a relationshp" because I want to tap that ass and because I actually do care about her otherwise, but I would like to know how I should react if she says "No" or "I'm not ready" or something other than "Yes! Let's go make the bed springs sing!"
Should I just be cool and say "Ok, fine" and walk away for good? My instinct tells me that's the way to go but I keep wondering if she will give me an answer I don't want in order to gauge my true interest, a la a shit test. I appreciate your opinion sir.

current state of play

she texted saying she misses me, wants to get to know me better (it's been 2 nights a week for 10 months!!), and wants to go on a date in january

I txted saying we have to sort things out now or never, and not mess about

reply: she said 'thats why i want to meet you! i still want to be with you. i have family over so can't talk on the phone'


never give a woman an ultimatum

it lets her see how much she is affecting you


still feels like she's playing games. a date in january could be 3/4 weeks away. maybe she wants to date others at the same time. Not being able to talk on the phone is BS.

the whole thing is BS to be honest, i already told you she is nuts

what else you want, a diagnosis from a shrink? lol

to be clear, crazy isn't cute (addressed in my previous post)

if she'd cared there's no reason why she can't nip outside and make a 20 minute phone call. current line of thought is to txt asking her to find time for a phone call this week, or to insist on any meetup being in the next few days

you are way too invested in this girl, you are fretting about how/when she calls you

she has pretty much walked away from you, and if you ever want to be with her (or have the chance), the absolute wrong things to do are:

- give her ultimatums
- make her the prize
- get bitchy / passive-aggressive
- toil and fret about what she is doing and why she won't call you

she's changed her tune heavily in 9 days tho, from 'we can see each in 8 months' to 'i still want to be with you'

has she changed her tone? really?

still sounds like she:

- is in control
- is less invested
- is playing games
- is rude and inconsiderate
- is unpredictable

not much of a change

Mack 2.0

It’s taken me a year to realize that she folded in or internalized hurt into her worldview. (Father abandoned her when she was little and committed suicide.)

you gonna be her boyfriend or psychologist?

She broke it off in a text: “this relationship is too stressful and too demanding.”

so she broke up with you.

Hardly, I backed off since Nov 1. So her statement is not congruent with the facts. Actually, I was an AFC during that time, helping her out, writing up her papers/editing, doing what I could do because this one’s got my ass.

that is pretty afc

Facts: she’s 37,

divorced

yikes

no kids, great shape, and

biological clock is ticking

has she said or implied this? how do you know that? she wants kids?

My gut tells me she broke it off prematurely because she’s internalized hurt and has gone into self-preservation mode. Self-preservation is more important than the relationship

why would she be responding to you in self-preservation mode?

did you do or say something to make her think you would abandon her?

again, this sounds like you are psychoanalyzing this girl, instead of just taking her at her word

Of course, there’s always the chance that someone else has taken my spot, but that would be total rebound.

Last Thursday she came over and dropped off all of my motorcycle gear (bout a grand worth). I acted like an AFC and we went at it like too people who love each other. I didn’t f close, just making out. She says she wants to take it slow under her breadth.

I told her to let the hurt I caused go (not intentional).

what hurt? i am missing part of the picture here...

Again wrong move. Next morning Friday, stop by her house. Visably in good mood. Asked her out that night. Wrong move! Get text saying

"I appreciate ...bla..bla, but I think its time to move on."

so she broke up with you again...

Yet her ~body language~ didn't say that Friday AM

more psychoanalysis

She didn't say fuck off

she will if you keep this up

She actually agreed to go out to dinner

caved, not agreed

then I get the text at 10 something.

I sent her a note on Christmas explaining that it is better for me to help you with the hurt, understand it, nurture it…I hope I re-framed he

reframed for roleplaying where you are her psychologist?

Told her I didn't want a physical relationship

lie, you do want one

ok with things

lie, you are very not ok with it or you wouldn't be posting here

Throw her a curveball, I don't know.

Current: Freeze out since last Friday. Other than sending her a card for graduation (a big milestone as a second career) this weekend…what moves would you make?

i wouldn't send the card, i wouldn't send anything, i would have the sense to respect her wishes, and i would leave her the fuck alone

Thx.

i think the problem is that she is the prize in this situation.

think about it...

you were in the friend zone (which is where a girl puts a guy that she doesn't have interest in, whether he has interest or not)

so, let's admit this fact: she wasn't interested in you.

so, how great can the attraction be for her?

gaming is one thing. chicks will "entertain" good game as it is flattering.

but gaming does not dictate "attraction".

if you are the one pursuing her, gaming her, trying to dhv for her...

then she is the prize.

escaping the LJBF zone is very hard and back-sliding often occurs.

you basically need to get her into a situation where you can escalate.

i mean, when you told her you were "going to nail her ass"...

where were you?

why not escalate right then during the sexual tension?

when do you see this girl?

i get the feeling you see her in passing, or at work, or are talking/chatting/im'ing/emailing/LDRing with her...

is she in the same zip code as you?

I guess the only possibility would be a freeze out to get over her. I have a couple of other plates I'm talking to, but I actually liked this one. Thanks Mack!

i don't mean to come off like a dick, but your story is insane.

you've been broken up with.

this isn't a relationship question, this is something else...

plus you've got a mad case of one-itis,

you are planning your next "moves" toward a girl who has dumped you.

Hey,

I read your post about your history, what you have been through and so on. You seem you know ALL your shit.

thank you. i believe i do have some things that i am qualified to offer advice on. others not so much. that is why i say very clearly that i am not a pua. i don't really offer pua advice (actual techniques), there are way better sources for that on this website. i offer advice on how to focus on your inner game and at least be a truly recovered-afc. this is a crucial step that too many guys miss when attempting to get into this stuff. i read it/see it time and time again. they are out "sarging" with intense inner-game issues and a fundamental misunderstanding of what it means to be a man in general.

I know youre busy, so I will try to be as direct as possible.

i am busy. but i don't mind helping when i can.

I have hit a hard bad point in my life, 20 years old, been through a lot too.. maybe not as much as you.

we all have our own challenges to face and crosses to bear. it's not a competition. suffering is in the mind and each person, regardless of situation, and people can suffer profoundly in their respective situations. i learned quite a while back never to discount what other people go through in terms of "comparing" it to my own challenges in life. compared to a starving somali child, i would venture a guess that both you and i have had it easy in life. anyway...

For general knowledge, by what you are saying, I grasp that if you open up emotionally to a woman... you are fucked... then how are you ever suppose to feel "love"?

ah, now to the meat and potatoes of this discussion. i am going to say some things here that, as a 20 y/o, i do not want you to discount. but, due to your age, you likely will. i hope not. so really put on your listening ears and really internalize this.

first off though, before i continue, you have to realize that your question is a deeply philosophical one and that i could take not only paragraphs, but pages and pages, and days and days, and weeks and years answering. "how do you feel love" is a tough question that is not easily answered in full in this venue, lol. HOWEVER...it can be roughly summarized and give you the key points to consider so that you can move on with a genuinely better outlook.

so, here we go...

first off, i know you don't want to hear this, but, you are not likely to find "love" in college. why? the culture. college by its very definition is a place for "experimentation" and "spreading your wings" into adulthood. girls take that shit seriously. they are out to get as much dick as possible at that age. strange dick. sometimes pussy. sometimes pussy and dick simultaneously, lol. it's kind of like looking for love in a strip club. the SPAM is just sooo full of people who have ulterior motives (sex, fun, wildness, popularity, experimentation, etc) that you just are NOT going to find "love" in the classical conception there.

^ seriously, internalize this. but also notice that i said "not likely to find". i mean, if you would prefer to be in a relationship, then you should keep an open mind, but also be realistic about the potential of it actually happening "there" (especially with girls that young). most girls don't get serious about "love" (as you are speaking of) until about age 35 or 40, honestly. don't believe what you hear. before this, they are living it up. strange dick and empathy everywhere. and you can't blame them for it. society teaches, promotes, and reinforces their shallow behavior.

the other half of your question is "how are you supposed to feel love?"

well, you are definitely coming of age. this is a tough question. this is going to sound like bullshit to your 20 y/o mind (not an insult, just a fact), but...

"love" and "happiness" are manifestations that originates from within yourself. you don't find happiness, you choose to be happy. you don't wait to find love, you choose to feel love. primarily for yourself.

so, how do you do that? you fill your life with passion. not passion for a girl. but passion for yourself. passion for your goals, your studies, your ambitions. you are the source of good vibrations, not the outside world. you basically live the life of an awesome dude. you will be a source of happiness, not seeking it. this will help you to feel a "love" for life in general. when you are in that state, you are way more likely to attract a woman interested in the concept of "love" that you speak of.

this is NOT likely to happen at 20 y/o, my friend. i am sorry to tell you that. it's ok, because you really need to just have fun and bust your ass right now anyway. remember, it "nice" to be in a relationship, not "essential". don't be needy. believe you are of awesomeness with or without a girl on your side. i mean, really, does that define you? as an individual? as a person? life has no meaning without a girl on your side? if you feel/think that way...imagine...how needy and desperate you would come off to any female around you.

the point is, i do believe that "love" is possible. it is also rare. tends to happen, genuinely, later in life than 20 y/o. why? because you are still learning (learning a lot) at that age, and so are girls. and even when it does happen, you will need to learn and accept women for the flawed creatures that they are. you can either resent them or love them for it.

Okay now the main point of why I messaged you and I hope we continue to help each other or talk...

I use to have my life together, the last two years in High School I was the shit. I was a popular good looking soccer captain dude who had everyone and anyone loving him and dated the hottest girls.

life has its ups and downs. you are a little young to be so nostalgic, lol. don't be mopey or depressed! life rocks! remember that!

anyway, highschool and college are different games, my friend. and similarly, college and the real world (work) are two different games as well. what does this mean? growth, learning, change. the only constant in life is "change". and that is okay. don't dread it. and seriously, "popularity" doesn't mean dick. you DO NOT want to be that guy reminiscing about how cool you were in highschool. truly, don't be that. life is for the hear-and-now, not for the old-and-gone. college is a tough time. and you can either mope about the fact that popularity doesn't just fall your way now, or you can step up your game, develop better outlooks/skills/tactics and rise to the new challenge. life is not static. it is dynamic.

Now I am in University, on a soccer scholarship, in Canada. I got played by a girl already, she had a boyfriend, we hooked up for a month then i fucked her and after that she went back to him and fixed everything with him. They are now "official on facebook" after two years of dating. I still like her. Advice on that?

advice on that? forget her. move on. work on yourself. work on the stuff i just talked about ^avove^. MOST IMPORTANTLY, CHANGE YOUR OUTLOOK. you need to read. you and i have pm'ed a bit, so i know that you are seeking big answers. philosphical answers. real truths, etc. you need to get some good books. truly. put the pua aside for a bit on the back burner and work on basic self-improvement material. (this stuff helps with pua anyway as it is essential to have your mind in the right place to function in any capacity). i don't have any specific book recommendations, just look for some on self-improvement, enlightenment, happiness and read them. they will give you perspective. also, are you a spiritual person? if not, you should be. spirit flows through all things.

Now the main, I want to improve my life in a general way for better. I want to be bigger, im an ectomorph... I want girls to see me as a bad boy mysterious guy. Can this be accomplished and how? ------------> thats the view I want to give off.

can what be accomplished? gaining weight and bulking up? of course it can. it happens everyday. protein + exercise, lol.

also, stop worrying about "the view" you want to give off, and start worrying about being the best "you" possible.

you are not a dancing monkey for these girls. don't be a poser. be yourself.

your BEST self.

^this takes work.

The real things, i want to feel mentality better. I cant sleep, my priorities are all wrong, and I know they are all wrong, but I dont want to fix them. I know school should be first and the rest should follow but I dont choose to fix it.

see there? you know that you are not in the right "mode" right now. this is a good thing. this is your higher self trying to reconnect with your confused conscious mind. listen to this.

if you follow your true path and true passions, you are going to find love eventually. (risking sounding like a romantic movie on that one). but i believe that until you embrace your life using some of the tactics i have already mentioned in this response, you are not likely to find a quality girl. baby steps.

remember you are the prize. so... would the prize worry about conforming/morphing his image to attract chicks because he is needy and can't be happy without a relationship and need to be popular in the eyes of his contemporaries? would he? no, he wouldn't.

"the prize" (what every woman wants) would reek of awesomeness and be totally self-absorbed in his own life, to the point where he needs to try to pen her in to his busy schedule. not as an act, but as a reality.

I still have oneitis about my ex gf who is now with another dude and I am 100% sure I will not find a better girl..... Honestly

that's retarded. yes, out of the 3,499,999,999 other women out there, NONE will be more quality than this chick who played you and went back with her ex. lol. if you choose to put yourself into self-limiting beliefs like that, then you are doomed. doomed to be a doofus. don't be that doofus. you read here, right? we all make fun of "that" doofus. i bet i could walk down the street right now and pass ten girls better than your ex-gf. you walk the same streets. so really, get over the bitch.

She was my first for everything...

NO ONE stays with their first. i still think of my first from time to time. but i also ACCEPTED that life is about moving on. remember, change is the only constant. i also DO NOT SEEK HAPPINESS from a woman. i am happy from within.

so what is the point in living, if things i feel can never get better

perspective. remember that starving somali child referenced earlier? yes? well, focus on the fact that you aren't him. life will suddenly seem much more tolerable. i am only half-joking about this. but i am dead serious. perspective is the answer. be THANKFUL for your blessings.

do you have food?
do you have health?
do you have opportunity and education?
do you have intelligence?
etc...

if you have those things and can grow/maintain a HEALTHY perspective in life, then things WILL get better.