So I've been with my girl for 4 months now (after being friends for 2 yrs) and things have been really good so far, we've done the whole i love you thing and she can't seem to get enough of me. Before we started dating she had booked a trip to Europe for 3 months and the time has come for her to leave. I told her we could break up and be single whilst she is gone and perhaps give it another shot when she gets back if I'm still around or we could stay together. She of course chose to stay together and says the idea of breaking up while she's away makes her feel sick.

I have a few questions, firstly how do you keep the spark alive in a long distance relationships? This is my biggest worry, we will have access to SPAM but we may only be able to use it once or twice a week. How do I make sure the relationship stays fresh and exciting whilst being restricted to seeing her through SPAM/e-mails/phone calls?

Also would you get her a little gift to take? I would like to get her something that she would use often that would remind her of me. Or would this be an AFC move?

I know a lot of people are against LDR and I normally am as well however this is only going to be for 3 months and I've never been in a relationship which has worked as well as this one so I want to make it work.

For those people who have been in a LDR what is the best advice you can give me to help me make this work? All advice will be much appreciated, thanks guys!

Hey afc__atticus,


I am in a LDR at the moment. Since you two were friends for so long before getting together it would suggest you have a strong attachment bond with each other. Although, now the relationship is on another level, you both should feel more sensitive to each other when your apart and even distress. What’s important is how you behave when you do eventually make contact with each other during your separation. If this distress is still present when Skyping and one of you shows it by being aloof or resistant to the others presence then your bond is broken.

When the relationship is geographically close there is a lot of uncertainty (conversations can be about anything, phone calls could be at any time). In the LDR, couples try to plan their contact time and even their conversation topics are usually deep and intense. If someone doesn’t follow through with the protocol then there will be uncertainty. You and her have to ask yourselves can you live with ambiguity or do you have the need for closure. It’s the spontaneity that creates the spark in a relationship and it’s what I miss the most now that I’m in a LDR. Sometimes I just want to talk about and share the insignificant silly things that happen in life with my GF. At the same time when I’m talking to other women I feel that their conversations are not deep enough for me to feel anything.

I think the gift as long it doesn’t telegraph insecurity (like a photo of you) maybe a little good luck charm or something is a good idea.

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you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

i don't recommend LDRs...ever

if it were me, i would say..."find me when you get back"

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Yeah I know Mack, it's not an ideal situation but I want to give it a go just cause things have been soo good. And yes I've suggested a few times that we be single whilst she's gone but she hates that idea...

Blind_oh! I think you hit the nail on the head there, I am very worried that the phone calls that we do have will not be as light and fun as they should be. Because we are a very fun couple constantly messing around with each other, I think the distance and lack of communication could influence this I don't think we'll usually have set SPAM times cause I'll be able to have SPAM on my iPhone so she should be able to SPAM me whenever which should maintain a little spontaneity although she may not get the chance to SPAM too often.

I suppose another worry for me is that she's going to be meeting lots of new guys who will seem really fun compared to me who is stuck working with just SPAM, I think it'll be really hard to seem more fun than these guys who can actually do stuff with her compared to me who is stuck seeing her on SPAM and no I haven't shown any insecurity to her by talking about guys she may meet overseas, although she has said a few times she's worried I'll forget about her or someone else will steal me from her...

How long have you been in your LDR for now? How much longer will it be for? Do you do random little things to keep it interesting? How many times a week do you try to make contact? Do you think 3 months is a workable amount of time for a LDR?

first of all,

three months isn't really an LDR.

it's a vacation.

an LDR is a "Long Distance Relationship", thereby meaning that two people live far apart with basically no plan or way of being together other than very occasional get-togethers or some distant far-off plan to "some day" be together.

so this is in your favor.

basically your real-life girlfriend is just going away for a few months. that is a good thing, because you two will be back in the same zip code at some near point in the future. that changes the whole dynamic.

sorry for my previous post, lol, i'm a bit misanthropic as of late. my LDR just fell apart. t'was a sham anyway, lol.

i would say, just do everything you can to keep it interesting and fun.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

True, I like that, I'll call it a 'vacation' cause I myself hate the idea of a LDR and always have Sucks about your LDR, at least you can go back to sarging now. I will do all I can to keep it interesting and fun, this will be hard, but I will try!

try to connect with her on the emotional level.

girls love emotions.

when you talk about work, talk about the feelings of it

when you talk about school, talk about the feelings of it

when you talk about sports or hobbies, talk about the feelings of it

(ps - it made me feel gay just typing that)

also, make a list of things to talk about before you call or text her.

be PREPARED to be interesting and fun on the phone or in your messages.

remind her of little inside jokes that the two of you have, do it subtly.

congratulate her on whatever she is going, whomever she is meeting, be EXCITED for her!!! (again, feelings...sigh...gay, lol)

also, be EXCITED for you. make sure that whatever you are up to:

- be it, eating a burrito (it's the most fucking fantastic burrito ever created)

or

- be it, cleaning your house (the most fantastic smelling floor cleaner you've ever smelt, literally, you mopped the floor and came three times from the smell)

EXCITEMENT, STIMULATION, EXCITEMENT, STIMULATION, A TOUCH OF ESCALATION

it's kind of like keeping the attention span of a toddler, lol

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Hey no worries buddy!

I have been in a LDR for about 9months now and this will go for about 2years and 3 months if we are still together-(I actually wrote in another post that it has been a year, but it just seemed like that at the time lol it’s like I’m in a time warp, seriously) I’m not that random with phone calls because the place she lives and works at is so isolated that I can only call her on her home phone. I probably call her twice a week, but I rather her call me first and then I will return her call (after all she is the one that left and I dont want her to feel I'm chasing all the time). The random things we do are in conversation when we talk – if you can talk about mundane everyday stuff and flirt in a LDR you will feel that things are good. Like I said most of the time conversations are deep ( which is not a bad thing). I think three months will be breeze if you don’t show you are insecure.

There are two types of insecurity in attachment. One type “resistant” will show distress at their partner’s separation and be upset and not easily comforted when they reunite. The other type “avoidant” will not be fazed by the separation and aloof when the partner returns. If you both are secure you will feel distress at separation, but will be readily comforted and seek closeness when you do eventually meet again. These types of attachments are present at a young age when we first learn about attachment bonds with our primary caregivers which generally remain relatively stable throughout our life span.

Most relationships however, are usually between one secure and one insecure type. Your gf told you “I'll forget about her or someone else will steal me from her...” either she knows you too well or she is insecure? When your lives are segmented there is a lot ambiguity, but your reunions either face to face, on the phone or SPAM will show you where you stand in your LDR. Hope this helps!

_________________
you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

Cheers for the advice Mack, I've been using your advice and so far so good I've been upbeat and excited while talking to her even though she's a bit sad cause she's feeling so homesick.

Wow, 9 months Blind_oh with 2 and a bit years to go! That's dedication, props to you! As for her comment of "I'll forget about her or someone else will steal me from her...” that I believe is mainly just insecurity on her part, although she did think I was pretty good with women before she came along so perhaps it's a mixture. She does seem a little insecure in our relationship, I don't think she thinks she's good enough for me cause when she first started dating me she told me "I always thought you were out of my league" and then recently before she left she said she was worried I'd get close to her friends while she's gone and think they were more awesome then she is and start dating them instead.

I find her insecurity unusual because she is a very confident girl, however I have kept my emotions in check in the relationship and haven't showered her in compliments like afc's would, so perhaps the insecurity has stemmed from that.

So far the calls on SPAM have been very natural and we've been talking about just everyday stuff, nothing deep yet (she's only just left) so its been good in that our interactions have felt very normal, I think keeping up the communication will be vital in ensuring things remain normal and our connection stays strong. Do you agree with this?

What should I do in terms of phone call availability? What I mean by that is so far she's asked me if she can call me on monday and then when I was speaking to her on monday she asked if she could call me at a certain time on tuesday, both times I said yes. I don't want to fall into the trap of being always available to her, normally when she's in town I won't reply to her texts or calls straight away so I don't seem so accessible to her. Although I'm finding it hard to say 'No' to the times she suggests as I'm not sure how often she'll be able to talk to me and I do miss her already (lame I know ). I just really don't want to come across as needy by always being contactable to her. Should I say I can't take her calls every now and then like I would usually do? Or do you think I should not worry about it considering she's in another country and we may not be able to contact each other too often?

Thanks guys, really appreciate the advice!

Hey dude I forgot to write “in total” on my last post- its actually 2 years three months minus the time already spent, so about 1 and a half years to go. When you were geographically close its sounds like you guys shared the same world- “she said she was worried I'd get close to her friends while she's gone”- mutual friends? It’s good to have mutual friends they can strengthen the bond between you two, but now your lives are segmented.

Segmentation isn’t a bad thing; the personal experiences that you encounter during the separation allow you to bring another perspective to the relationship like talking about daily stressors or positive experiences of meeting different people. When you guys are in the same world you can’t see the forest from all the trees. Separation also allows you both to grow independently, but you guys may start taking different paths and change. Hopefully when you reunite face to face you don’t lose your connection and similarities which will make it easier to mesh your lives together again. Your quality of communication will soften the blow of these individual changes if you allow each other to discuss whatever is happening in the individual world and remain open minded and objective.

The time apart creates uncertainty and unknowns because partners are not sharing experiences (i.e., face-to-face). That’s your need to keep up the communication -and it is vital- words are all you have at the moment. Create too much certainty and you trade off your spontaneity. It’s difficult to discuss the reunion roster, it depends how long you both can handle the distress of the unknown. You will find your certainty is to know about the fixed events that you both are doing during the week and schedule contact during downtimes. If you can hold out a little more than her it’s good (for your ego), but if you hold out too long she may feel that she’s lost you all together.

Maybe discuss the time you will call each other; she says “how about Monday at 6pm?” you can say "yeah I got something to do..blah blah " and make it a little later, but then call her a little earlier (suprise!). Remember if either of you can’t follow through within the protocol then it will create distress and if a person is insecure they will try to attribute all sorts of crazy scenarios. It sounds like you’re a very faithful person to your gf, you can show her that when you talk to her. If you show trust in her she should feel the need to reciprocate that trust.

Sometimes agreeing to have a break of communication for about three days is good because you both will build up a bit of excitement in anticipation and that will show in your contact time giving it a feeling of freshness. You can rekindle
old flames from that spark which will give a sense of security.

good luck buddy.

_________________
you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

_________________
what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Blind_oh! 2 years 3 months, wow epic! That's a big ask. So far the communication has been really good, we've spoken to each other everyday on the phone (most of the time she was the one to call) as well as a few text messages so if the communication keeps up like this I think we'll be fine! And I have told her I can't talk sometimes cause I'm doing stuff but she just works around it so its been good. And yes I do fully trust her I know she'll be completely loyal to me, the only way I think anything could happen is if the communication breaks down between us or we grow apart which I don't think will happen.

Yes Mack, phone call availability is a delicate subject, and whilst I've spoken to her pretty much everyday I've always been the one telling her "oh I can't talk SPAM, I'll call you back in an hour" or "I'll be out then, but you can call me at X o'clock." So whilst I've spoken to her most days she is still very aware that I've got other things to do. Normally at home I wouldn't speak to her everyday but considering she's not here and I can't see her face to face I've been thinking that perhaps talking to her everyday could be beneficial as I'll become a part of her daily routine? Do you think this is a good idea? Keep in mind everytime I've spoken to her so far she's asked if she can call the very next day

Thanks for the advice so far guys, its been great!

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Yeah ok so routine makes it sound boring yeh? Alright I'll mix it up then and speak to her every few days. That is what you were suggesting right?

The only reason I thought it would be a good idea to speak to her more frequently is because that way talking to me would be a must for her and she would become more invested in the relationship. I definitely wouldn't consider this tactic if she wasn't away for the next few months.

no.

i didn't highlight that word to tell you what to do.

i highlighted that word so that you would keep it in mind.

just monitor for routine (in any form).

same topics in conversation.
same jokes.
same times to talk.
same tone of voice and mood.

girls (even those on the other side of the world) hate routine.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!