elo mack!

been going out with my girlfriend a little while, just under a year. she rarely does things that get me pissed. tho 3-4 years ago back at high school she's got with a few of my friends. now this really doesnt bother me, everyone has pasts. i wouldnt be with her if it did bother me. anyway i told her i don't want to know about it when she bought it up in conversation once. however yestarday we were talking about something that happened a while ago and she bought up; "around the same time she was seeing [guy i know]".

now it doesnt bother me that this stuff ever happened it just annoys me that she brings it up pointlessly in conversation. this is the first time shes done it since i told her not to. she said it on the phone and i instantly said i had to go and ive been ignoring her since.

am i doing the right thing by ignoring her until she realises shes done somthing to piss me off then when she asks me whats up i tell her straight or should i have told her straight up again?

yeh couple months ago i told her it was a big turn off and i dont want to hear it.

last nite when we were on the phone when she mentioned "that was the time i got with ... " i straight away just said i gotta go now cya later

EDIT

OH SHIT, SORRY, I REPLIED TO THE WRONG PERSON.

yes, lol, i think you've got the right idea now.

Dude, im in the exact same situation, but worse. You know.. shit.

I dated this girl for 8 months, all of the 8 months I thought of her constantly, while SHE WAS fucking other people. I am not kidding, she did it, I knew it, I told her about it, she said nothing about it, I got really chumpy about it but just wouldnt stop letting her in my life and knocking on her door in hers. After 8 months she broke up with me, and I started working on my inner game. After 2 months she gets back to me and then starts the story that looks exactly like yours. She's my friend one second, girlfirend the next, and like, worst enemy the third. It gets completely out of control and I wont get in too deep about what happened but she continued cheating on me and I lost my inner game, or forgot about it. I sort of thought that I could change her and started calling her like 1 time a day playing her therapist. I actually drew up pictures, like, minmaps of what she had told me to figure out what I needed to fix with her. (I know, this is insane)

She broke up again. I was devastated again. She went abroad, and I did too for some reason. Didnt like to think it was because of her, but oh, what do you know, after like 1 month of travveling she starts to mail me again telling me she wants to come with me. And here my friend, you'll get chills.

I meet her up in her new apartment abroad. We chat, hold hands and look for stuff to take with her on our travels. She wants to say goodbye to her friends "first" and we have a party. What do you know, suddenly a dude turns up and they are totally together. I mean, the hold hands, look at eachother sexy and in front of me they are telling eachother stuff that you know. Are totally sex-related in their own flirty way.

The last day, I sleep in her bed while she's at his house giving him a blowjob. How do I know? Because when I was at her apartment (she lived with a friend) her friend got a Text from the guy she dated who said something that I wont go in to detail, but it was obvious that he in his own PUA-way bragged about her totally pleasing him. Maybe not PUA, I didnt get to know him that well. Actually he was kind of a dickface. He talked to people in a way that made them feel sort of bad, but maybe it was just me. I dont knwo. It doesnt matter. She slept at his place anyway.

The next day, she sais she wants to stay, and I leave, alone.

The next couple of months theres not a lot of contact between us, besides from a couple of emails she sends to me. Until, like, a month ago. She sends me this weird mail where she sais she is sorry becuase obviously she has been "manipulating me" (thats what she said). I totally fell for her again, responded and what happenes next after my reply? She breaks up with me. We havent seen eachother for like 5 months, we had sex one time at her apartment abroad, and we kissed when we said goodbye. But after that no contact for like 5 months, and she tells me she is sorry, I reply, and she breaks up with me. I may have been forgotten about myself in my replys. Probably, I dont know. I sent her long emails and it felt right in the short term but after a couple of days of no answer I got the guilt and sended a new one, and a new one, and a new one and so on.

Ive been on a emotional rollercoaster since, and am pretty much fucked in the head about this. I dont know what to make of it, one second I feel one thing, the other some other thing. And the thoughts? They are the same. One second I think something was my fault, then the other something was her fault.

She didn't respond to me for like 2 months after she broke up, so I ended my frequent emailing her with telling her the same thing. I agreed with the break up. At first, I felt great. I thought that we were agreed and that felt a lot better than before where i had to try to figure out what she was thinking. But now, I am almost afraid of that she will get back to me again which seems logical when Ive agreed with her breakup. I can totally imagine her feeling guilty right now (I feel it) but I also feel very confused and I have been thinking alot about what someone said here. If "she feels it, you feel it" or if it was vice versa. If that is true, it is only a matter of time before she gets back to me again.

Theres only one solution I have found for this extremely anonying "disease" and it is focusing on other stuff. You cant think "I wont think about her" cause if you do that your mind will automaticlly think about her. You have to just let the thoughts and feelings about her come and go, and dedicate yourself to focus on stuff that makes you feel good right here and right now. Like, women that are sexier than her, or career, or money, or whatever. It is obvious that she is poision and you need to avoid her at all cost. This would probably attract her (if you do it right) but you need to have self respect and don't buy her bullshit again because she is in reality not good for you. Focus on other stuff and just, avoid her because she is poision.

Other stuff you can do is forgive yourself and her for whatever stupid shit that might invade your mind. Or be mindful about it. Think of it as what it is. Thoughts. Its not you that made her a sandwich the wrong way (or whatever she has been telling you that you do wrong). It is a thought. And it is the past. IF you think about it that way, that might help you get through this.

And about the self-respect. I think you need to step up. Either you break up with her because you obviously are being completely toyed around. Or you just erase her from your life and dedicate your time to focusing on other stuff. You cant keep on this game of letting her control your life. Think of it as a battlefield. You simply can not win the war by trying to "win" the relationship with her, in other words, sending her emails critizising her or whatever you do to "win her back". Neither can you surrender since that makes you depressed.

You have to just Let it be in some way. Im not sure, I havent learned enough already from my experience. Im strugling with this everyday.

well, at least we have pinpointed your issue.

you don't have a relationship problem.

you have a "you" problem.

fix your life, and that will fix your relationship(s).

i hate to oversimplify, but beyond that i would just be holding your hand and telling you exactly what to do with yourself in life.

plain and simple, men who have found (and are pursuing) their path/passion in life, don't have time to fret and toil over a silly female.

so, my advice is, VERY CLEARLY, quit focusing on fixing your relationship, and focus on fixing yourself, because until you do the latter, the former is impossible.

good luck.

mack, this should be simple and to the point, no stories, no details i just wanna know something.

how do you remain a challenge in a relationship? and even after a while youve been dating a woman, how do you keep the magical spark going?

I'm relieved to know I'm not alone out there, I know she's poison man... I've known it from the beginning. I'm a weak individual when it comes to emotions or controlling what I want at times. The shear thought of this girl makes me want to puke half the time, but people want what they can't have... she's my forbidden fruit, I know I just need to MTFU... I try and every time I'm starting to feel great again she finds a way to bring me up even higher then kick the chair right out from under me, no idea if she does it on purpose or not... I don't think she does, it's just her she has so many failed relationships, after my first fling with her during the 7 months I wouldn't talk to her she had 6 different boyfriends.. and they weren't just guys she messed around with she made them all "official"
I've gone to 3 separate therapists, spent a great deal of money for these sessions too, and all three classified her as a person with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which is similar to a person who's bipolar and/or a narcissist, but the reason behind it is her childhood. Let me tell you for her it wasn't easy growing up, her parents split they now hate each other. Her step father and sister hated and still do hate her, she was very unprivileged.. lived in her bedroom for half her life. She was indeed abused by her step father and her step sister, and her mother did nothing. She by far is the best looking, most fit, and nicest person in her family, and they still give her shit because they are jealous.
These therapists all told me that the only way she can be cured of BPD is by herself. I have a feeling your girl might be the same way. Google it there are a few categories of BPD and she might fall into one or two. If you bring it up to her it will only make things worse for her and you so I was advised not to.

I think too much about her, guys I do try to prioritize my own life... I work, go to school, weight train, and race motocross everyday of my life. I'll hit the gym everyday and try to get out on the track everyday too.. No matter what I do I get distracted by her in my head, even in the middle of a race. I had the lead by a long shot, then started to slowly more and more to think about her. Oh you have no idea how hard I try to shut that off, I became so distracted I ate shit, broke my wrist, finger, shattered my patella and my ankle, wasn't a pleasant experience.



Thanks Mac, I try everyday to fix myself... I think I'm slowly figuring it out. Today I looked at this in a different perspective and have some idea on how I should handle this, I just need to choose the path that benefits me, I really appreciate your thoughts.

In response to your reply before....


I am feeling anxiety about the relationship because I am becoming tired of her.

My friends don't like her for a couple of reasons. Mainly I am the alpha of my group of friends and when I am with my girlfriend I am less available to be with them. I am also more responsible when I am with her so my friends say I'm not as fun as I used to be. Lastly at the beginning of our relationship there was tension between my girlfriend and my best girl friend, who has had a thing for me since high school, however this has been somewhat alleviated.

She doesn't like my friends because she knows they don't really accept her and they want me to break up with her. Also my friends party hard where she is more reserved.

This year has been rough on her because she's really stressed out in school and with the workload, she hates her professors, she has lost her best friend and now doesnt have that many friends, she swims for college varsity and the coach this year is a bitch to her everyday. Also she has gotten sick like very few weeks.

When she is in her moods she just wants to cuddle and watch movies. There isn't anything wrong with that sometimes but all the time gets old. She doesn't want to go out, she doesn't want to party. She becomes more clingy to me and more of a bitch to everyone else. During this time she complains about her problems

It didnt used to be like this only recently has she become this depressed

In response to your reply before....


I am feeling anxiety about the relationship because I am becoming tired of her.

ok.

My friends don't like her for a couple of reasons. Mainly I am the alpha of my group of friends and when I am with my girlfriend I am less available to be with them. I am also more responsible when I am with her so my friends say I'm not as fun as I used to be. Lastly at the beginning of our relationship there was tension between my girlfriend and my best girl friend, who has had a thing for me since high school, however this has been somewhat alleviated.

well, that is what 'serious' relationships are about. together time. friends are supposed to accept this sort of thing. however, it's another thing if YOU don't want that.

She doesn't like my friends because she knows they don't really accept her and they want me to break up with her. Also my friends party hard where she is more reserved.

i can't say i blame her here. i wouldn't like people who didn't accept me either.

This year has been rough on her because she's really stressed out in school and with the workload, she hates her professors, she has lost her best friend and now doesnt have that many friends, she swims for college varsity and the coach this year is a bitch to her everyday. Also she has gotten sick like very few weeks.

sounds like she has some pretty good reasons to be stressed. college is hard. i should know, lol, i'm back on time number three myself.

When she is in her moods she just wants to cuddle and watch movies. There isn't anything wrong with that sometimes but all the time gets old. She doesn't want to go out, she doesn't want to party. She becomes more clingy to me and more of a bitch to everyone else. During this time she complains about her problems

oh no! cuddling! yes, again, that can get old if that is NOT what YOU are looking for. complaining/venting/confiding/whatever you wanna call it, that is natural to some extent when people are going through tough things, however, unless the person's life is literally a living hell, they should be able to tone it down, moderate, and be pleasant and in a decent mood to be around. nobody wants to be around somebody who is so negative all the time.

It didnt used to be like this only recently has she become this depressed

do you think she is actually depressed? that's not good.

here is what i sense from your responses.

this girl is more serious about this relationship than you are. this girl is more of a one-on-one time person than you are. this girl is more attached to you than you are. this girl is less of a partier than you are.

you, on the other hand, want to have fun now (which is okay, you feel how you feel), you want to party, you want to be upbeat, you want to see your friends, probably even game other chicks. there is nothing wrong with any of this, it's normal at your age to be honest.

that being said, despite her negativity (i don't know how bad it is), you've got might be a pretty good girl there who loves you. but she can't "love" you into loving being in a relationship.

here is the answer:

EVENTUALLY, you NEED to do what you need to do for your own happiness. and it sounds to me, like it isn't so much that you don't want to be in a relationship with "her", it sounds like you don't want to be in a relationship, period. again, that's ok. but that also means that this relationship is not going to last or work because you and her are in two different places in your lives right now. and it's causing you to grow apart.

you want different things.

the only question is: how much damage do you cause on the way out?

however, there is another option. you can slowly move toward a situation with her, where you regress out of the relationship, slowly encouraging her to see other people, while turning her into a "friend with benefits".

me thinks ^that^ might be ideal

Mack, I hope you don't mind if I step in here with just one little point.
Infamous, if you act differently with your friends when she's around, that's a huge red flag. I know it maybe early, so you're still trying to impress her, but when people change around their partner, it's never good. It means you act a certain way so she likes you more, see where this is going? It may well be one of the core reasons why you feel a little suffocated and why you're losing interest. She will try to alienate you completely from your friends (even unconsciously) and she will use drama and horrible shit tests, she'll nag and make you feel bad for being who you are. Just remember, it's her choice to be with the person you really are, if you have to change that, there's no point.
I'll leave the rest of the commentary to Mack, he's better at it

Hi Mack, love your straight to the point replies, very Dr House. So a quick one from me.

Got with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago, knew each other over a year, but was always just "flirty friends" really got close a couple of months ago, then got together, now..

I have been acting very boyfriendly, saying cute things via text, telling her when I miss her etc.. infact, half of our conversations are full of cute, sweet messages, something that would be considered AFC. But at the same time, i'm constantly push/pulling, I tease her, occasionally turn away when she goes to kiss me (playfully) then I pull her in and kiss her

So, whilst I'm being generally sweet, cute, caring, etc.. etc.. I'm also leading conversation, push/pulling, and generally just being the Alpha in the relationship. Because I'm doing this, does this make the cute/sweet stuff okay? Or is that likely to ruin the relationship?