Ha ha it’s good to hear all sorts of views ( it gets me thinking outside the box) if only it was that easy Mack 2.0.

We need to use Fb as a medium because her mobile (cell) doesn’t work where she is living (isolated in the Rockies). Her internet is really slow as well. So I SPAM her home phone or she calls my home phone. She can send messages to my mobile, but I can’t return them unless I’m on FB. I’m really not on FB often so she gives me a text and then I get back to her later on FB – I know it’s complicated, but it's working so far. It’s good to receive and send a short messages every now and then on the net for FB stalkers to see, but I had a few old school letters from her like lovey dovey stuff. I’m thinking maybe I should write her some deep passionate stuff on paper the old school way instead of FB crap? I sent her a poem that I wrote on a card for her birthday with chocolates and apparently it brought her to tears.

I’m a little like you when she was back at home I never took much interest in her FB or FB in general. In fact she pretty much created my FB page for me. I know what you mean about mind games sometimes things can be interpreted in a negative way- like ambiguous info seen as a personal attack, but I got to see how she’s doing man- I mean she is on the other side of the world SPAM.

If I was avoidant and aloof when she is gone for too long (and I’m talking 3 month intervals of face to face here) then I would leave her because the attachment bond is broken on my part.

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you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

Im new here, dont know what the proper protocol to post is but i do have experience in ldr, enough to reply to this....based on your first post...know this, unless shes truly hideous she will cheat, if you can call it that, its only natural at that distance....happens to the best...hope you can handle it..im very sorry, hopefully she wont lie about it and you guys might rekindle something later, been there also...2 years over there is like going to college and not gettimg laid, not gonna happen...again, very sorry and good luck.

Thanx buddy, sorry to hear you had to go through that experience in the past. I’m sure it’s made you a better person, but you do sound a little cynical.

Yeah she is very attractive, but in a decent sort of way. She is physically attractive, is a very good dresser, good at wearing makeup (doesn’t overdo it) very well spoken and comes from a well educated, affluent and secure base. Maybe you’re cynical and I’m delusional, but I’m not surprised that guys are trying to do the moves on her.

Being at this distance our lives are segmented, we let each other in on what’s happening, but this information on my part (and I’m guessing hers to) is filtered to keep the peace. I expect a person that has it going on, if they are caught in the moment, will do whatever feels good at the time. If she or I decide to go with a partial feeling and cheat then it’s going to happen- the question is will that affect the way we are together? I couldn’t do an open relationship and I don’t think she could handle me cheating as much as I could handle her cheating. If any of us found out about something like that then it’s over.

What I have noticed is that people in a LDR start to idealise their partner (just like my first couple of sentences). Idealisation might be a coping strategy to deal with the conflict in a person’s mind and public scrutiny in an effort explain why the person is attached to someone so far away. I have also noticed that if I’m out and I connect with a female I systematically block the woman by comparing her to my GF (who I put on a pedestal). It’s good for my GF in a sense because I can only make shallow friends with women, but at the same time women like flirting and form a closer bond when guys do flirt (reciprocity).

I believe that if I formed a close bond with another female by flirting and having sex I would find my GF's phone calls boring when compared to the novelty and stimulation of the other woman. Then again when my GF was in reach and we were flirting and having sex I found it easy to approach other women (maybe because I was on a natural high all the time?). For some people cheating may provide emotional refuelment that can actually help a relationship. Shame and guilt are innate capacities that I feel very strongly about, so I don’t think I could do it. I would say that she feels the same way, but I’m probably not the best person to judge that since I’ve obviously got “1itis” lol

At the moment every time my GF and I get in contact it’s like we pick up where we left off. There is still spontaneity and there’s no faking the feelings like laughing, anger, jealousy etc. I can tell when she’s faking an emotion- know her too well. Like I said in an earlier post if our conversations start drying up (even on my part too) then I will have doubts.

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you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

i didn't read back through the entire thread again (already read it once).

but, do you two have plans of ever being together for real?

if so, what are they?

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Thanks dude! Nice to know that my material is memorable.

I think you mean to be together again, face to face, without segmentation like sharing our lives? That would be awesome!

There is a human drive to reduce uncertainty, to explain the world, and to render it predictable ( the need for cognitive closure). In relationships people cultivate feelings of stability by intentionally creating certainty by achieving short term goals. If short term goals go unaccomplished and create instability, would a relationship partner continue to stick it out for the long haul?

At this stage we know that in one month we will be face to face for three weeks (certainty). The dynamic of her group will change with my presence during and maybe even after I leave again. I think it really depends on how we handle aversive and supportive members of her new social circle. I’m sure they share a strong bond with each other given that they do live as neighbours and share work and novel experiences together (uncertainty).

Even though people in the place where she’s living at the moment speak English, its still a different cultural context form where we are from. In the acculturation process when the euphoria of the honeymoon period wears off, the disenchantment starts setting in and she will experience a lot of conflict (her jokes, words, perceptions will fall flat or have to be exhaustively explained). The next stage is “beginning resolution” and she will have to form a way of operating in the environment by employing one of five strategies

-Assimilation: accepting the host culture and becoming one of them
-Separation: being true to her original culture (usually only hanging around members from her home country)
-Marginalisation: denouncing both and doing her own thing (Nigel)
-Bicultural: assimilate when she’s around them and reverts back to her home culture around expatriates from home.
-Fusion: combination of assimilation and separation (probably with people from her home country that remix the culture also).

If she is at the stage of effective functioning wheni visit and is “assimilated” then my time there will be difficult and I might even find myself ostracised by her group because I won’t be able to keep up.

That leaves four strategies that I will have the competitive advantage in. I feel the odds are in my favour when I notice on the phone she still shares my accent, tone, words and perceptions. I don’t know if I would be with her if she is "marginalised" though that’s a bit loserish even for me lol. So make that Three out of Five.

At the moment her plans are to return home after her visa expires in about a year and a half or so providing she doesn’t assimilate- (which I don’t think she will, but you never know there might be some master pua’s out there like the ones on this forum that could convert her?)

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you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!