This girl I've been seeing told me she wanted to take things really slow...on the physical side of things. I've only been on four dates with her, but she is really stand offish when it comes to touching and I haven't even kissed her yet. She seems like a great girl though, we've held hands and had good talks and she has told me she's interested in spending more time getting to know me.

When out for dinner one night, she told me she wanted to take a self defense course. She said she had taken one in the past, but it wasn't fresh enough in her because when she needed the moves, they didn't come to her mind in time. She kind of hinted at the fact someone attacked her, but when I asked her about it she told me she didn't want to go into details. I asked her if it was traumatic and she said yes. I was quiet, and then I told her I wasn't going to pretend like it never happened and that if she ever wanted to open up about that with me I'd be there.

She also told me her father was a drunk and was abusive to her mother, and her ex-fiancee cheated on her. She told me straight up she thinks guys are only out to get sex out of her and just use her for that. She told me she hasn't dated anyone in 5 years since her engagement at a young age (I think 19)...no relationships, no sex, no nothing.

All in all, I like this girl. I've dated a lot of girls this past year and none have had as many qualities I look for in a girl as she does. I'd like to give things a try with her, but obviously I'm nervous to do or say the wrong thing that would set her back in recovery, or in trusting me. I'm not even sure it's something I will be able to handle in the long term. I need to know what I'm getting myself into, and how to deal with it.

Are there any online resources for guys in my position who needs to know more about how to be supportive in the healing process, the do's and dont's, and also on how to be strong mentally through it...?

Thanks to whoever answers.

Do you know for a fact she was raped?

can-women-change-abortions-hard-drugs-h--vt120011.html

How could he? Ask for a copy of the police report? LOL

Either way, only he can determine the appropriateness of her bringing that up in conversation so early into a relationship.

I'm sure either he sensed that she was being genuine and very sincere, or he sensed she was a fucking lunatic playing games.

To the OP, my advice when it comes to dating a woman who has been victimized, would be to assure her that REGARDLESS of what happens, that you would never hurt her in any way. that you would walk away first.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Mack is right on. Dude you gotta play this super careful and would be best to let her open up when she wants to.

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La Dolce Vita.

Just use caution.. there's a lot of red flags here. However, it's always a case by case basis with the damaged girls. Some are super sweet and affectionate while some are a hornets nest of drama. Furthermore, guys always fall extra hard for the damaged ones because they are vulnerable and appeal to our instinctive desire to protect. So try not to get too attached to her too quickly.

As for how to handle it? I've dated lots of girls who have had traumatic issues in the past. Personally, I would just be your awesome self and get her to have fun when she's around you. You're her "boyfriend", not her therapist, and your job is to create positive experiences for her and to maintain a positive vibe. You're her vacation from the stress of everyday life.. so don't make a big deal about it and don't bring it up.

-Wolf

All good shit here.
That's the key.

If she's constantly causing you anguish because of her issues, then you should run away. For example, flaking all of the time, showing up at your house at odd hours, running off and disappearing for days at a time and then finding you again, etc. Those are extreme examples, but you get what I mean. If you're not happy just hanging out with her and having a good time, then ditch it. If she brings the fun level up in your life, then feel it out and hopefully she'll grow to trust you as she should without your help.

I've dated a few people who went through a serious traumatic experience in the past, and this might seem cold, but like an unrepresented view point so I'll bring it up.

Like a few posts above me, there is a quite romantic notion in terms of taking care of her, saving her, protecting her, being the one. There is a lot of notions in us of trying to be the white knight, and prove to her (and ourselves) that we are the good guys.

That will add quite considerably to the attraction you have for her. You could find yourself sucked in rather fast and dealing with issues that you would never deal with in a different situation. You can also see yourself justifying worse and worse situations because of her personal experience. I'm speaking first hand.

Take a look at the relationship, if you removed all of the emotional baggage, how would you feel about her? How does she make you feel? Is she making her problems yours? These are questions you need to remind yourself, because it is also an easy control game she can play on you.

"The greatest way to control a guy is to not sleep with him at all." I'm paraphrasing Greene (or Eddie Murphy), and I'm not trying to say she is doing this, I can't (and neither can you) attest to her mental state, but her actions will influence your mind all the same.

She may be a good girl, but don't be afraid, or feel guilty and ask yourself what you are getting out of this? After all, a relationship is a two way street. You have needs and wants too, it's very easy to for someone to ignore them if something traumatic happened to them.

If she has been raped then you are probably doing her a massive favour by spending time with her. She's gunna gradually get her confidence back and it will be because of you..

She'll like you for that.

This is great but I recon she would get quite clingy. Anyway, some like that so you can judge yourself.

About me: Student. Asian, only wanna fuck asian girl. Alcoholic and heavy smoker.
About her: Student. 5 years younger than me. Middle eastern. HB(9)

I've been dating a girl who is just like your gf. I don't know the behind story but she acts same as her. Maybe she is middle eastern. They are not allowed to have a sex until they get marry. I guess her cultural background is her trauma.
I am going to make it short.

This girl,when I tried to go to next level, she always said that "i hate guys, they only need a girl for sex." Sometimes, she said that, "I am not seeing Bob anymore, cuase he always wanted me to have a sex with him" WOW. I thought she was weired. I even scared to even touch her. I thought that she was lesbian too.

Becuase of her self defense, I needed something new way to approach. My game worked really well so far to only asian, but I've never tried to white girl, cause I wasn't interested in them.

So, I bought a "Train your girlfriend". The book is telling me to punish her by not giving her attention or affection whenever she refuses it. Also I need to praise her if she does something good.

Whenever she pissed me off, I stopped to give her attention and kept negging. And praised her if she let me go to next level.(touching, hugging, tickling). I know it was stupid but I realized that I had to be really careful. I tried little step by step. It took lots of time, effort, and patient to get to what i wanted. A month later, she asked me to make out with her.

I've dated a girl that was brutally raped and abused on multiple occasions by her stepfather.

She really liked me, but it took a lot of time to escalate things physically.

My advice is to just make sure she feels safe with you and has a lot of fun with you and that you don't pressure her at all. I think you have to want a relationship with this kind of girl though, because obviously you can't really just use her for sex.

You should never convey sexual desperation with any girl, but I was extra careful to show that it wasn't a big deal to me, all those nights she just wanted to cuddle instead of having sex. Even when we got to kissing and fingering etc she'd have strong LMR and the whole "stop everything" advice from Style is excellent. I'd just completely stop, but I wouldn't be pissed off, I'd be casual about it and still friendly and warm towards her and eventually we ended up having incredible sex.

Girls like this do have issues so unless you really like her I'd say stay away or be careful. The girl I was with apparently used to burn the sheets after we'd have sex because she was so mentally scarred by her abuse and she had mixed feelings about desiring sex and wishing she didn't etc. But we had a big connection and a lot of trust and eventually she managed to get over it.

Our relationship eventually fizzled out and we mutually broke up, but she has always thanked me for helping her overcome her intimacy issues and it has enabled her to move on and be in a happy relationship with another guy. We're still good friends

I've been with girls who had bad experiences with being molested and what not but they didn't take it to the extreme like withholding sex. Your girl sounds over the top with it. It's like your having to play her counselor that is not what you signed up for...what you really wanted when you start hanging with this girl was to get some ass. Your getting ready to waste a considerably amount of time for nothing by playing mister nice guy.

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Friendzone 1-vt51424.html?postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

Thanks to everyone who posted in here. I think after reading a bunch of forums on rape victim sites, and reading what you've all posted in here I have a better understanding of what I'm up against, and the do's/don'ts of this kind of situation.

I'm well aware that this could become something I have to deal with for a long time with her. I'm also aware there are red flags here, and until I know more about where she is at with all this, I won't be able to make any decision. I will do as you all say and just reassure her I would never harm her. I'll tell her if she ever needs me to stop, or if she's feeling uncomfortable to say no and I won't be upset. I'm definitely considering her for a long term relationship, and so I have no problem taking things slow and building her trust. She flaked one time when I invited her to my home but that makes sense if one on one time is something she's attempting to avoid. She really isn't paying me as much interest as other girls normally do. She did flake on my once so far. One phone call a week, she usually texts me once a day, and she has made herself available for some dates. But she isn't initiating any meet ups. Of course I read into everything and my own inner game issues cause me some difficulty. I'm going to step up to the plate and not be a pussy here, but I'm not sure how this is going to go down and I'm finding it very unnerving.

Alright Heffty,

I don't want to be long winded, so please excuse my lack of eloquence.

Since you're sticking with it, whatever you do, don't let her know you're scared, unnerved or insecure about any of your interactions with her. Step up, be confident, be honest and be assertive. She needs to know that you're solid ground to stand on as well as a very valuable human being by yourself.

I hope you have your best interests in mind and wish you luck on your endeavor.

Hey Heffty.

I was typing a long post about my last gf but then I realized you don't need all that information and erased it all.

The basic point I wanted to make is you need to be careful with this one. My last gf was a victim who needed protection and it made for a very bumpy ride. Nothing could make a guy feel like more of a man than a beautiful young woman who is so vulnerable and needs you so much. As one of the posters above said, it is about as romantic as you can get.

But, here's where it gets tricky. I did everything for that woman. I gave her all I had to give because she "deserved" it. I worked so hard to build her self esteem back up and turn her life around. Blah blah blah you get the point. I spent three years of my life on that woman and it felt amazing to do so much for someone. I fell madly in love with her and she said and acted like she felt the same way. Nobody had ever treated her the way that I did, and no woman had ever made me feel that way.

Long story short, I managed to give her back that self esteem and confidence that she had lost. In the process I guess I came out looking like a nice guy pussy for treating her like a queen. So she lost all interest in me and started fucking everything with a dick.

Needless to say I broke up with her and kicked her out of my house. I am a man and my pride would accept nothing less. Now she's out there hoeing around and having a great time and I've spent the last year of my life a broken man, trying to pick up the pieces that she left me with.

So my friend, be careful. I am not saying that your experience will be like mine, in fact I truly hope it isn't. Since I have started absorbing PUA knowledge though, it seems like what I said above. You want to treat her nice and somehow make up for what she has gone through, but in doing so you make her feel like a million bucks whereas you end up looking like a nice guy chump and she gets bored with that.

So, I don't know if this will help you or not but good luck man whatever you choose. Sorry if I didn't make sense I had a long day and I've had a couple of keystones and a little smoke.

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"I've got hair on my face to hide my soul."
"I already told you that you're ugly and not that cool." -Sixty Years of Challenge

I suppose it's time for a bit of an update here.

Been on a few more dates with this girl and I'm just taking it really slow. We've started holding hands and doing some light kissing. She's told me flat out she isn't dating other guys right now. We're starting to introduce each other to our friends. She was over at my house one evening for a movie and she sat on one end of the couch...my laptop for watching movies was on the other end so I was forced to sit down there to get the movie started and figured I'd have to make the move across for the cuddle...but she moved over to me.

On one date I took a few 'get to know you' type questions off a list I found in a thread on these forums, and we answered them together. Two of the questions were "what is your most amazing life experience" and "what is your most horrible life experience" or something to that effect. I chose those questions amongst others to see if she'd bring up the incident. Instead she brought up an incident of her father getting drunk and throwing a microwave out the window. So...I would think if someone was raped, it would rank up higher than that. Perhaps someone just stole something from her, or tried something but was unsuccessful. All in all she seems to be getting more and more trusting of me; and rightly so. If she's looking for the type of guy who will invest time in her prior to having sex, then she's made a good choice in me. She certainly doesn't seem as fragile and standoffish as she did the first few dates, and when I went in to kiss her after she knew me a little better she came right in for it and was into it.

It's quite possible she wasn't raped and just wants to take thing slow for whatever reasons. The reasons she has told me so far include other dating she's done where it starts out very intense and fizzles out quickly, and she wants to build a solid foundation with a guy first this time. Maybe she's slept around a bit more than I'd like to think and is just tired of those kinds of relationships. Or maybe she hasn't and is just privy to the type of men she isn't looking to involve herself with. Other reasons include her father being a douche, her engagement which was really bad for her, and this incident in question...all of which including the prior have led her not to trust men, or so she says.

I'm well aware of the whole hero complex a guy can get, and I know I am as susceptible if not more so than most guys are to it; so I'm on guard of my feelings about it. Of course my feelings are involved now and I'm sure I'm fucked in the brain chemically to some degree at this point due to infatuation and sex drive, so whatever I say should be taken with a grain of salt. I'm going to play this out as though she was raped, but still make my moves as I build her trust as if she wasn't. If she stops me, I will communicate with her about it and tell her those things she needs to hear to build her confidence and her trust. I'll also take the advice given in here and make sure I give off an aura of confidence. I've done that for the most part up to this point, although I have exposed some of myself to her. I think from here on out I will stand my ground. She knows who I am now, she knows I'm not a player, she likes me, so that's where it needs to stay. I'll keep progressing things slowly with her to build attraction and go from there. I'm sure you guys can all tell at this point I'm one to over analyze things. So, all in all I need to figure out how to be content with how things are going, trust that she's a decent person, and just have fun with it.