My name's John, I'm 35 and I'm a Programmer from Glasgow, UK.

You could call me a late bloomer.

I'm a virgin.
I've never been kissed.
I've never had a girlfriend.
I've never even held hands with a girl.
I've gone on a handful of dates.

I've always known that something was wrong in this area of my life. I've had a few girl friends. I recently told one of them I'd never been out with anyone and her reaction was "Oh. You're so bubbly and lovely that I just assumed you had a lady friend."

I had a thing for a girl in University. It took me 13 years to even tell her (yep, no typo). And by then she was married. Total no-no to tell someone this at that point, obviously, but I had to do it for my own sanity and help me to move on.

Recently I told a female friend I was attracted to her, to be told the classic "I really like you as a friend". She now has a thing for my brother, who's more of a geek than me. Two days later I met a girl when out with a friend. I liked her, and messaged her to ask her if she wanted to go for coffee some time. She told me "Thanks, but I really like your friend." I wasn't a happy bunny that night. "Why the fuck does this keep happening to me?" Total car crash.

I can see how I could be a good boyfriend in theory. I love meeting new people. I love dancing. I love hearing people's stories. I've been told on several occasions that I'm a great listener and I should become a counsellor. I really enjoy supporting people emotionally and doing nice things for others when they're down. I can be generous. I'm thoughtful, considerate and I'm kind. I love cooking for others. I've been told I have a good smile and I'm always laughing.

But.

As soon as any conversation veers towards anything sexual, watch me run and hide. I divert the talk away from it, ignore the comment or look down at the ground and blush.

I cannot flirt. At all. I've always maintained that it's false and pretentious. I've heard of The Game before, but 5 years ago I'd have told you it was *total* bullshit.

And then I saw The Pickup Artist on VH1. "Ah - this'll be funny - talk about car crash TV" I thought. How wrong I was. I've seen things on that show that had my mouth agape. I used to be a video editor, so I understand the tricks of the trade and how to manipulate the audience into buying things that never happened. But I could see past this at a further reality to it all.

I realised that there was something I wasn't getting about attraction.

Until now, I've believed that the reason girls weren't attracted to me was because it was an inherent quality of me.

I've had bad eczema over my whole body my whole life. In recent years it's calmed down a bit but it's still a problem. I've reasoned that it must be this combined with the fact that I'm not attractive. I'm not ugly - probably average looking.

But I've always believed the part of my mind that says "It's *you*. You're never going to get a girlfriend because there's something wrong with *you*." And I've never had the faintest clue how to "fix it". Until now.

I've come to the conclusion that unless I do something deliberately different, I'm going to be alone for a long time. And at 35, I feel like my time is running out to find someone lovely to settle down with.

I'm going to try PUA methods, not because I want to have sex with random strangers, but because it's my absolute last resort. And the PUA show made so much sense to me - these guys were in the same situation I'm in (kinda) and they actually got to the point where they were kissing very beautiful women.

I've had a long chat with a female friend and she's agreed to go to a bar with me as moral support. We've set a date of next Friday - the 18th.

I think I'm more scared of this than I have been of anything in my entire fucking life. It's been the elephant in the room for so long and I've become such an expert at ignoring it that this is going to be really, really hard.

But I've got nothing to lose at this point. The things I've picked up from the show are:

* Have some prepared material and use it, even if you think you can do a better job.
* Start by opening sets. My first aim is just to go up to sets and not get blown out of the water. That's all I want from my first night.
* Don't fucking wait. Walk into the room and go for the first set you see. Walking around and waiting only increases the AA which will be sky high anyway.
* Sexualise the conversation - be playful, throw a few negs, and lean back.
* Look good - I'm going shopping and going to pair my suit top with some nice jeans.
* Wear an accessory - I'm either thinking a black feather scarf like the one on the show, or I have a silly Santa Hat tat would definitely attract attention. Only question is - will it be too clowny?
* Stay relaxed and calm. I have very high energy levels, which often cause me to clown around, pull stupid faces and get incredibly excited about small things. This is not good. I need to learn to relax and chill the fuck out.

I feel sick at the thought of what I'm going to do.

Does anyone have any other advice?

Hi there,

I think the most important thing is to try & enjoy yourself! I know it's easy to say, but don't get anxious about what people may or may not think about you. Just take all the pressure off yourself, relax, and strike up some good, chilled out conversation with ladies that YOU wish to engage with. The rest will follow!

It's encouraging that you've decided to make a concerted effort to improve this area of your life! There will be ups & downs along the way, but you still have LOTS of time and opportunities to make progress! Just try not to heap unnecessary pressure on yourself, enjoy your experiences, learn from them, and make steps forward! I'm FAR from an expert, but I just wanted to offer my view on things. I hope I've been of some help.

I hope it goes well for you! Have fun out there!

Thanks, man. Much appreciated advice. I think after the first few sets I might be able to relax and get into the swing of things. I'll post back here when I'm done.

Good luck man!

Just enjoy it & try not to over-think things too much!

Thanks. Ah, over-thinking things. My best friend and my worst enemy both rolled into one. When I described my situation, my female friend said to me "OK, so let's have a look at my diary. Because if I don't come with you and help you, I can see you'll still be talking about this in 6 months. I love you, but you talk way too much before doing stuff!"

I had to laugh when I read the numerous threads on here about over-thinking. I often forget that the only way out of a situation really is to take action!

Hey man!

Didn't you say that last night was going to be your big night out??

How did you get on?

Hope you had fun!

Eczema, get that fixed ASAP. You have to be physically (and health) in good shape if you aren't already. Try reading "the Game" or "rules of the game" for advice on the subject. Also, it also sounds like you may have an issue of confidence. There are many books that attempt to help with confidence - but the simple fact of the matter is, it takes time to build up confidence. Just keep at it!

_________________
The question is not whether you will be set up for failure; but instead whether you will choose to accept it.

@stringfellow

Thanks for asking how things went. It was way more difficult than I thought it would be.

My goal for the night was to open 5 sets. Not to close, not to do anything else - just to open 5 sets.

I took two of my best friends as support. I walked into the first bar and started talking to a 3 set with one girl in it. My intro was a bit odd, then we got chatting and as usual I staying in the friend zone.

I approached a family on a night out (didn't realise this prior!) and when I realised how they knew each other I explained that I was trying to get outside my comfort zone and meet people, which they were very encouraging about.

Then I went into a much busier bar with lots of lovely ladies and the nerves really hit me hard. I walked round the room once but just couldn't get the nerve to approach. I went to the toilet and just pulled myself together.

In the end I opened another 4 sets. In most cases my chat after opening was pretty dire and people were getting bored. But this is all so new to me I just want to take small steps and get used to opening.

I opened a 6 set towards the end of the night which was car crash. I totally stammered my way through the opener and when I asked "is that something a girl would normally do?" the woman nearest me just gave me a hard look and said "yes".

It staggered me the difference between imagining it and doing it. So much harder than I thought, but it's a start. I'm going to try and go out this weekend again although I actually feel more scared than I did last time.

@FlyingSmurf - Believe me, I've tried. All doctors tell me it's just something I have to live with. The only way I've got rid of it is by going on a ridiculously restrictive diet. I can keep that up for a while, then I relapse.

I'm not looking to "get laid" or have lots of sexual encounters with girls - I'm after someone who values me for being me. Although I'd like to find a way of curing it once and for all.

Good job man!!! Keep it up. I am similar to you in that I am just getting into the game in my mid 30s, although I've had a few relationships in the past. Honestly you've approached more women in one night than I have in my whole life so that is great!

One thing I find is that if I dress up nicely and have a lot of fun (dancing to music enthusiatically for instance) when I am out I can often get women to approach me instead or at least send me really obvious approach invitations. My suggestion is rather than peacocking with an accessory dress stylishly with well-fitting clothes.

@bp029

Thanks. It's been an eye opener to realise just how scared I am of talking to women. A part of me always thought if I sat back and got on with my life something would happen to me. I realise that I need to take action to make things happen.

I wore a nice shirt and a suit, which helped my confidence a little. I'm going out on Saturday night and going to try for the same numbers - open 5 sets, no matter how badly.

Well done man! Good effort!

As you said, it's all about taking things one step at a time. You opened some ladies, met some new people, experienced something new. That's great! Keep it up! And above all, just keep enjoying yourself!