Do you think my GF thinks I’m a loser?

About a month ago I paid for an expensive non-refundable ticket to visit my gf (21hour flight). We were together for a couple of years before she left to pursue her “career”. It was something she had planned before we got together. I couldn’t travel with her due to some legal reasons for working visas between countries. It has been a year so far. She has another year to go.

She lives on an isolated resort with her work colleagues in the mountains and there are always social activities that they do together. She doesn’t like hanging around “bitchy girls” so spends more time hanging with "the boys". When I look at her FB page she looks like she is having the most awesome time over there. I’m feeling a little inadequate right now -like I’m living a boring life stuck here- and I'm having some buyer’s remorse about buying the (EXPENSIVE) flight tickets.

I am really feeling lost right now. We had a beautiful relationship before she left and continued while she was overseas for the first half a year or so (this was before she got the job in the isolated resort).

At the moment I’m very sensitive to her FB updates and find myself stalking her FB wall (seriously I can’t even go two hours without having a look). I however, hardly add friends or update pictures or status on my FB. Does that make me look like a loser in her eyes? Sometimes I feel like a loser for holding on despite this situation, but she is really an amazing person that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with- that is if she and I are still the same people.

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you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

Hey

If the girl feels the way I think you feel about her, then I don't think you'll be having any major problems with being far apart. So long as you're confident you can trust her, everything should be fine.

And just because you're the type that doesn't like broadcasting all social gathering on the internet, it doesn't automatically make you a loser. I mean like you probably have a lot going on, but nobody bothers taking pictures of it lol.

Max

Who cares about facebook?

Dont update means you have life and dont spend time in front of PC, thats a DHV.

But let me just point one thing out.

You guys "had" relantioship, this would never work if you guys in the near future dont have a common goal.


If you are having this thoughts and always checking her fb, its because you are afraid of losing her, meaning she cant cheat you with another guy, so you are not trusting.

Does she have any plans to go out to your town and visit? like you did.

Two years is a long way. And yes if she having alot of fun on resort, she is a women, and we all know they have needs.

Did she changed her personality toward you ? in the past year?

Does she demonstrates fear of losing you?

Why you don't have fun yourself?

If all the time you are checking her facebook page you 'd be out in the bar getting to know other women i bet you wouldn't come her to ask advice.

as long as youre not updating your status and showing you go on facebook everyday then you should be fine. dont prep up your facebook just to impress a girl. some guys update their statuses and say stupid things on there and they wonder why they never get girls. its really not that big of a deal

You have to let go and trust her. It is not doing you any good to keep thinking about what she's doing at the resort. Like they say, if you two have a worthwhile thing, she will be back and don't dwell on what she did while she was away.

what do you mean by that?

i noticed you didn't tell him not to WORRY about what she IS doing while she is away.

you told him not to DWELLl on what she DID do while she was away.

are you suggesting ... like ... free passes ... in an open relationship sort of sense.

your comment is very around-the-way and not all to clear to me, sorry.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

You are basing your self-worth on something other than you. It isn't even something once removed (the opinion someone else has of you) but is twice removed (your assumption about the opinion someone else might or might not have of you).

Get that? You feel bad because:
a) you think that maybe...
b) someone else thinks that...
c) you are __________.

Well? Get rid of a and b, and ask the question directly to yourself. The point is, regardless of what your girlfriend thinks, the fact that you have "a" and "b" in front of "c" is a bad sign.

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- Lux et Veritas -

I just meant to say that you really cannot control another person no matter what your relationship with them is. He can choose to trust that all she has with these guys is friendship rather worrying about what she might be doing. When she comes back, even if he "interrogates" her, there will still be doubt in his mind because he was not there. It's his choice what to believe.

I never said that we broke up we are still together. What sort of common goal do we need? Should we open a liquor store together? Moral Support for each other would have to be the common goal we share even if we are 1000s of kilometres apart. We used to live more than 50kms apart and had segmented lives before this extra LDR came about. It’s good when one of us has issues about the friends that her or I don’t know personally and can provide an objective/open-minded view of a situation (kind of like this forum), but sometimes emotions for the person you care about kicks in and we can be a little biased. This bias isn’t as strong as when you actually meet and have a pre-existing schema about your GFs friends though.

I must admit that I do check her FB to see who she’s added and what they look like, what sort of photos and situations they get themselves into and probably most importantly what they write on her wall. At first I felt a little uneasy that she was adding so many peeps to her friend list. I thought “are these randoms?” I did the same thing though; a few months ago I thought fire with fire and added all these skanky (surprisingly attractive profile picture) women. She immediately phoned as soon as she saw who I added and was upset. I did it because I really wanted to feel something from her. We had this long talk- she knows I’m not into those girls.

Then I realised there are two ways of looking at this. In one regard she’s opening up her private world (of a lot of photos and pointful status updates) to the people she meets and they can stalk her or whatever. In another regard when they see her and all the photos of me, the comments she leaves on my wall and all the rest of it they might feel intimidated and feel that the odds are stacked against them. I’ve noticed the guys never cross the line anyway when they leave public messages on her wall and she kind of gives them a short reply. It’s usually her girlfriends who write to her, but who knows what private messages are being thrown around.

She hasn't thought about coming to visit because her original plan was to do the complete 2 years on her visa ( shes is not living there forever). She really wants me to do the trip with her, but like I said there is some red tape regarding my visa for country she’s in SPAM. If I can get my hands on a euro passport she will leave and go to Europe with me- I’m starting to think it would be a good experience to share with her like I said earlier she looks like she is having an awesome time SPAM.

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you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

Ha ha ha thanx buddy, yeah I realise now that people who spend a lot of time on fb can be seen as losers. She's on there a lot to keep the Fam and friends updated on her journey.

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you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

Actually this rant started after a night out with my friends. All I could think about during and especially at the end of the night was her. Maybe because it was low key and I ended the night early and didn’t try or pick up? Some of my friends want to do something again, we’ll see if my feelings for her have changed then.

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you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

I don’t believe that attachment is unilateral, rather it involves an interaction between two people who react to each other's signals. There are two common sense sayings that most people run by that wont shed light on this situation “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and “out of site out of mind” (I believe in the second one). It would be easy for me and my GF to learn to forget each other.

It’s natural to feel distress when someone you care about is gone for too long, but the way you respond to them when they return is crucial in whether your attachment to them is secure or insecure. Right now, we both feel like just where we left off when we have convos on SPAM and the phone which suggests secure.

However, I think the quality of the conversation would have to produce some emotional refuelling to keep my GF and me thinking about each other. Even if it’s an argument once in a while at least it provokes an emotional connection, right? It’s easy to fall in the friend zone, when I feel that she and I are having a dry conversation (and sometimes this happens) - that’s when I start having doubts.

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you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

you are going to think i am being brief and unhelpful when i say this, but i assure you, i am not.

if you are the type of person who feels the least bit inclined to check your girlfriend's facebook status while in a long distance relationship, then:'

you are not capable of handling a LDR.

i'm sorry to tell you this. i know you don't want to hear it.

i don't even have access to my girlfriend's facebook page. i don't want to see it. i don't care. lol. because i know it just turns into mindgames and mental masturbation.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

That's an AWESOME advice you just gave man! You're very very very right. If I had known this some weeks back, I wouldn't have felt left down last week for a couple of days!