Lode, that approach is fine if you don't have common interests with the "girlfriend"...

such as money, sharing a place to live, etc.

that's when her stupid decisions MUST be addressed.

up until then, i agree with you.

there is also something to be said about being a man who says what he thinks REGARDLESS of what-the-fuck anyone else has to say.

i don't mean coaching her in life lessons and giving her psychotherapy.

i just mean saying "well, that was dumb" (if it obviously was)

because if you don't, it's clear you are editing yourself for her, which IS being affected by it.

i'm sick of people who expect me to censor myself for their emotion'gasms.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

yeah girls take you glasses or other stuff just to make sure you contact them... it's standard tactic .. alot of woman i used to fuck stole my watch or my phone - just to make sure i will contact them again. Look if you think all this shit is worth it in exchange for sex then do it.. just don't make excuses and be clear on what you want. You told her straight on what you think and that is good..

what you do from here is your descision... either you keep her or cut her lose... if she does have hot girlfriends then keep her as a friend, but only of course if you can manage the emotional hassle.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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i agree... but if you live together you share a bank account... yeah... in this case you are fucked. But there is no reason to argue with a emotional person for hours.. even if it is your wife just use 5 words and stick to it.. don't get drawn into a punching match with freddy kreuger.

i agree .. just tell her it's dumb ... childish or stupid..

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AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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wtf lol

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

lol have you never observed you exw-GFs demeanor when you got into a emotional slugfest about whats wrong or right ? or did i hook up with the wrong woman : P ? to me it really looks like a woman who hasn't took a shit for 7 days straight , can't get it out and is pulling all these weird faces...

i always focus on the expression.. when she turns all kreuger it's time to wake up.

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AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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Thank you LodewijkP. I've never in my life received better advice than the last one you gave me.

Well, I finally took some action. Today I went out with her for some coffee and I told her that I will stop seeing her for two weeks so that I can focus on my exams that are coming up. Because everytime she texts me I just get distracted too much. So it will be one big freeze out. No talking. No seeing each other. No texting.
Also told her that we should stop talking about our own problems to each other all the time. Since we are both pretty emotional persons, we just get effected by it way too much, which makes us both unhappy. We just need to deal with our own problems individually. So that's something I am going to work on. Stop being the Provider, start being the boyfriend. Trying to have more fun in the relationship

She was a bit quiet after I told her all this. She did not seem too happy, as expected, but she said she understood. Think it will be allright.

Now that I did not expect any form of texts, I felt so fucking relieved! As if I now finally have my freedom back. No plague in my head of constant worrying about her. No more being so considerate about her and her problems... no more over analyzing... Really. This feels great. I was able to work for over 5 hours for a school project! That's something I wasn't able to do before.
It's clear that I needed this space, since I now feel like I have found myself back. There's just no fear at the moment. It's amazingly divine this feeling, very zen.

I know now what to do. When the freeze out is over, I will maintain this form of being. I will not accept her shit anymore and I will not be overly considerate towards her anymore. I will think first about what I want, second about what she wants.
If that behaviour change within me will cause a problem for her, then that's her fucking problem. I will see how things will go after this freeze out. If she accepts it, then all the better. But that's something that time will tell.

For now, I'm just enjoying to be with myself again So thank you for helping me make this decision! Could not have done it without you.

Hey LodewijkP,

As you may recall, I went to visit my gf in Hong Kong in Sept to try and re-spark our dying long distance relationship, but to no avail. She made it clear that we were just friends and showed heavy LMR resulting in no f-close even after I romanced the hell out of her one night. Before I left HK, I told her to live her life and I'll live mine but also to keep an open mind because when/if she comes back to my city we could maybe revisit our relationship. I come back to my city and we still chatted online as friends, but about 3 weeks ago I just stopped texting/chatting with her. I thought I should move on for now and better my inner game and meet other women. I still have feelings for her but I'm not gonna tell/show her that. I think I'd get back together with her but she's gotta work for it so I gave her a "shit" test:

After 3 and a half weeks of no contact, on sunday I text her and our convo looks like this: (time shown is what time text was sent to show tempo)

me: Happy halloween. Trick or treat. (17:06)
HK: Happy halloween to you too. (17:44)
HK: How r u? Got plans for halloween? (20:17)
me: I'm good. How u doin? Went out last night and goin out tmr night. U? (21:23)
HK: U mad at me? (21:56)
HK: I'm not feeling well today (21:57)
me: why do u ask? (00:09)
HK: R u? (00:33)
me: If u really wanna know, make the effort, call me and ask me directly (00:39)
HK: I am at work (01:27)

No call as of now. Seriously, wtf? I really wasn't mad at her, but I felt like I just needed to take a break from her to get my shit together and it's coming along fine. I'd like to try and work things out with her when she comes back, but I'm not impressed by her attitude. She asks if I'm mad, but won't even give me the damn courtesy of a phone call even as a friend.

How can I get her to chase me/want me back? I plan on showing her, not telling her how I've changed. I don't know if I should continue to freeze her out or ping her once in a while to keep her reminded of me so when/if she comes back we could try again. We were and can be really good together when we're actually together, but I think the long distance thing is just too hard. What was supposed to be only 3 months became over a year and she might not even come back until next Jan/Feb.

I'm a little confused after reading some of your advice as sometimes you say to tell her what I expect of her or I'm leaving (no BS games); or freeze her out until she contacts me; or act indifferent as nothing has happened; or just end it and use my energy to find something new.

Any thoughts?

_________________
In a world of compromise, some men don't.

TheArtArtist

you just told her what you want and you found out what you really need...

just before you told her you probably felt very tense.. maybe anxiety.. you decided to take action. to tell someone something like this , it takes alot of courage to do something like that....

it doesn't matter if it feels good or not.. it's about you and your life... if you don't have many people in your life it's very hard to push them away , especially when they are negative people. You do not have or need courage .. courage is making a descision and following up because you know you are doing the right thing.

the moment we are presented with a challenge.. and we need to make a descision.. in the moment before and during courage we feel more alone our lifes than anyone. because it's about you and only you can do it.

you did the right thing .. im proud of you.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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Kalibration

just leave it .. it's too much hassle... look how this shit is affecting you already and it isn't getting you nowhere... just tell her straight on you are done .. just text it to her , tell her your interactions aren't going anywhere.. just say it and leave.

don't sacrifice your well being for a woman...

when you meet someone else you will probably forget this whole thing.

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AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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I'm a man, I'm the prize and I'm not gonna tolerate her BS games! I am moving on and meeting other girls and it has helped me a lot to get over her. I'm just trying to keep her on the radar just enough to see what happens when she comes back. I'm not planning on investing any more emotion or energy but just the bare minimum.

What would you text her to give her a wake up call? I've always been the sweet, nice, pussy AFC that never got mad or angry at her so I wanna say just the right thing. Hopefully it has the word "fuck" or some variant of it in the text.

I'm fully ready to lose her, but no risk no reward.

Thanks!

_________________
In a world of compromise, some men don't.

depends .. does she play games with you ? .. does she make promises she doesn't live up to ? does she gives mixed signals .. being clingy as fuck and ignores you the next ?

if this is the case ( her doing all that stuff ).. just fucking tell her you are done.... tell her you are not going to waste time on a friendship she doesn't respect.

if she doesn't play games .. if she doesn't make promises and if she doesn't give mixed signals then just ignore.. don't call her.

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AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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Not games exactly, but she rarely contacts me first. I don't remember the last time she actually called me. Maybe when I was in HK? After blowing a shitload of money on gifts for her last Sep (AFC move ), she promised me a really nice birthday present but nothing yet. At this point I don't care if she sends me one or not.

Lots of mixed signals when I was in HK, but not so much when we're apart. However, she used to send me pics of her, like mirror pics of what she's wearing that day and the food she was eating (it's an Asian thing). Never understood what that meant...

I don't plan on calling her. I"ll give her a few more days, but then should I say something like:

You know what, I'm fucking done with you. I'm not gonna waste anymore time on a friendship you don't fucking respect. Call me when you learn how to communicate with people you apparently "care for".

Direct enough?

_________________
In a world of compromise, some men don't.

Okay I'd like your opinion on this. There is this girl I've been in a relationship with for 1 month now, and the thing is, she doesn't want us to get too close because she's afraid of getting hurt. Also, she made clear she wants us to be in an open relationship, where even if we're still a couple, she and I can do other guys/girls as long as it doesn't get serious and that we tell the story after. I told her I'd prefer that we don't play it like this but that I agreed for a two month test.

So I got two questions:
1) How do I get her to open up a little, to be a little more talkative about her personal life and all? How can I be "THE guy" she needs?
2) How do I make her understand I really don't want this open relationship without involving her leaving me?

I feel bad because most of the men would love to have this kind of relationship but well, I kind of need her to be all for me. I'd like to be with her without thinking: "oh yeah but she's been with 3 different guy this month, I'm just one of them...", it's a real turn off since I often imagine everything people tell me!

Kalibration

i don't know .. does she deserve a fuck you ?

between you and me .. i almost never give woman the finger .. i always tell them what i think and what i feel...problem with that is if they don't reply you probably feel more disrespected. it's not about her... it's about how you feel and how you improve as a person .. will you improve if you will say this to her ?

you could also be completely wrong.. maybe you missed alot of IOI and opportunities.

i think you need to wait.. give it a pause and pause you emotions.. because whenever the word fuck or fucking comes to mind in something which isn't really important you are clearly affected.. or angry. if she doesn't respect friendship , if she doesn't care for friendships or people then you really have to think... why bother her to tell her this if she doesn't care ? right ? do you see a inner game thingy coming up ? look i don't know her and maybe you have perfect reason to tell her stuff like this, but at least try to cultivate the discipline to control your emotions - learn to create a pause. This is extremely important when dealing with life and woman in general..

i only invest time in explaining my ideas and emotions to a woman ONLY if i really like her.

So the question is... do you like her alot ? do you like her too much ? or is it just a ego thing ? again .. create the pause... maybe you will feel different over a few days or weeks...

if you still feel the same.. just tell her what you want to say.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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evolution

get away from her .. she's using you as a security blanket ... it's very likely she is emotionally unhealthy.

call her .. or meet her .. say to her that you do not want a open relationship... if she doesn't accept it or if she doesn't want to invest in such idea you need to dump her , tell her you are going to leave if she doesn't take you serious. SET BOUNDARIES .. Do not let her take control over the relationship or it will fail. You clearly want something else and you have to defend your own interest before you get sucked into her reality giving up your values and who you really are.

do it now .. do it today or tomorrow... do not wait with this..

her wanting a open relationship because she's afraid of getting hurt is the biggest bullshit i have ever heard... if you have commitment issues then do not get in any relationship...unless it's just emotionless sex. Does she have commitment issues in other parts of her life ?

yes ? then she's emotionally unhealty ..
no ? then she's making up bullshit excuse...

people who cannot commit into relationships often have difficulty amounting to anything... it's a behaviour pattern - it's a perspective... it affects everything.

im totally honest here...i never commit to anything unless i know it's going to destroy me or if i know i will pull it off... it's never in between. People only commit to certainty.. you see where im going ?

what is your self-interest ? ... draw the line ...make everyone know what you are about and what you want... also realise that im not telling you to control or change people - that is out of your control and it's a waste of energy. When a woman feels like you could walk away anytime , that is the time when she feels respect and attraction - you see .. let it go.

if letting go doesn't work then you have to let it go internally.. walking away from the whole situation.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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