I am in what I consider to be successful open relationship of 5 months. We have one rule and one rule only:


Does this action honor love?

Yes? Then go for it!
No? Then don't do it.


It takes a lot of trust and a different mindset. You have to be wanting the other persons happiness as much as your own. Not more, because you two are linked and if you sacrifice your own, she will be unhappy as a result. Not less because then you will be selfish and can easily make decisions that dishonor love in the relationship.

While we are open that doesn't necessarily mean anything goes all the time. That doesn't necessarily mean one action is always or never okay. It also takes an enormous combination of emotional resilience and sensitivity simultaneously.
And it takes a lot of mistakes figuring it out, along with the compassion and humor to weather them.

Sometimes we're exclusive, if that's what serves us best. If one of us needs it, it's there. Most of the time we're not. It's always flowing and changing.

The reward has been the deepest and most beautiful relationship I've had in my entire life.

Zzzzz

Your snores are not constructive

Your topic is pointless. Nobody cares...

Not to pick peanuts out of elephant shit, but I don't think two people can love each other equally. Maybe it's 51-49% at best, but two people can't want the other person's happiness as much as their own. Someone wants it more and someone wants it less.

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

You do Realize your girl was most likely getting Smashed by some random guy while you typed that lol

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Friendzone 1-vt51424.html?postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

Wow, what a bunch of really lame-arse responses. However, Ebomb, you aren't really adding anything new to the discussion of relationships either. You have a good one and you've managed to pull off a functional open relationship. Good job. Give us more details to make your post relevant. What type of girl is your girlfriend? What problems have you had to address so far? Who introduced the open part of the relationships? What constructive tips can you give others who are looking for that kind of relationship? Personally, the one tip you give comes off a bit too touchy-feely to me (i.e. "Does this honor love?" I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit). Give me something more practical to work with.

Oh, and never mind the haters... Open relationships are way better than monogamous relationships for those of us with the skills to pull them off.


-Wolf

QFT

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

actually, it takes real skill to pull off a monogamous relationship

which is why it's so rare

two sides to every coin

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

That’s cool dude. Sounds like you got something good going there. I am in an LDR at the moment (long story). We are exclusive and it’s working, but sometimes I feel inadequate being on the other side of the planet. I thought about the open relationship like what you guys are doing, but don’t know if I can handle that especially if I’m over worked and she’s out partying with dudes or in your case getting fucked by them. Just don’t feel it’s fair. I think I would lose my feelings towards her and wouldn’t have time to hear her stories about picking up since I have strong feelings for her. If I perceive that someone is disrespecting someone I regard very highly then I’d be sorting them out in person or providing sound advice from far away. In an open relationship if she gets into trouble then I’m going to blame it on her dispositions because of her intent instead of the situation.

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you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

Heck, I agree. ALL long term relationships take skill. Open relationships are easier than monogamous relationships once you get the basics down.. less boredom, more sexual variety, and it takes less effort to maintain an alpha frame. However, there's a very steep learning curve in the beginning. Monogamy is easier to start, but harder to maintain because, frankly, most people are not built for it. Therefore, it DOES take more skill to keep one going, especially after the 2-3 year point (5-7 if you have kids).

-Wolf

Hey guys, took a break for a few months, realized I need to figure out a way to put my ass through college on my own dime and that called for a major life check.
Happy to answer your questions and provide more details.

Wolfwood thanks for the good words. Thank you everyone actually, criticism or support it's all useful perspective and harshness is fine long as it doesn't degrade into personal attacks. Be respectful.



I gotta say, I like both monogamous relationships and open relationships, whatever works for each couple in their given situation. That's the advice I'd give everyone else. Figure out what works specifically for you and her in your specific given situation.


Recently some major shit went down in my life that messed with ALL my relationships, this one included. So anything now is a past tense reference

When things were working they worked really well until a series of mostly unrelated events piled up in my life and took a shit on everything. Literally everything. My job, health, finances, family life took a HUGE nosedive in about a month flat and all my relationships.. girlfriend.. fuckbuddies.. friends.. well there's a few still left but barely..


Anyways, when things were better here's some of the nuts and bolts of stuff that worked well.

It worked easier for us because she was my dance partner who had been in MY friend zone for 4 months before we got together.

Our lives revolved around dance. We danced several times a week and went to a dance camp a month. I would write our schedule at the beginning of each month, photocopy it, and give her a copy. Before she got used to that she'd check with me before making plans with another guy to see if we had plans first.
Because we were carpooling to really hot dance spots an hour or more away, we became a social hub for our local scene. Every night people hit us up asking to be in on the carpool/where to go.

Since I essentially wrote her schedule and decided who came along.. it was really easy to control and she liked being able to not worry about things and just let go. Come along for the ride knowing the scheduling, rides, all that logistics was taken care of. I handed her an amazing social life on a platter and in return she was willing to follow me wherever I'd take her.

Other than that I have some hangups with jealousy but I don't choose to make my actions a big deal. So what there's other guys? She put me first. I was with other girls too, but she was still first on my list. Just put each other first and it's not that hard. Leave some room for both of you to breath, but close enough.. well to be however close you want to be with your girl.

It really is up to you. Until it's not, then it's up to her and there's nothing you can do about that. If you trust someone you trust them, if not, well you can't do much about it all you've got control over is your actions. But if you pay close attention to action-reaction, your actions and the consequences, both positive and negative, you learn how you can be a bit stronger with your choices. Whatever those may be.

As for her personality..

If you know the whole Lead Follow dynamic in dance.. she really really embodies the follow. Totally able to hold her own axis, and very responsive, but waiting for strong direction to move her. Not taking the initiative, she really found her power in playing the receiver role.

A quiet calm. Most of the time she moved with a stillness, a steady gaze and a smooth step. She'd walk into a room and her being a hb7 (blond, 5'6") guys would turn away from hb9's and 10's to pay attention to her. She has an alluring aura that draws people in. Few words, and everything is said with eye contact, body language, and touch.

Surprising worldliness, she traveled out of the country several times in her late teens doing volunteer work and her family is into zen and yoga and is quite well off. It's reflected in her. And she has this.. clarity of intent. She wants what she wants, not much else to it. Often times that's just to follow a strong direction. It's really rather effective, she's a person who is used to getting what she wants, but isn't anal about it or anything.


I had less jealousy issues than her. Her main thing there was being unnerved by how un-jealous I was when there were other guys involved, not her actually being jealous of me and other girls. I guess because of how other guys tend to act jealousy is a sign of affection? Makes sense on an intellectual level but hard to sink in for me.

Self centered but not selfish. The difference is subtle but really important. Self centered means she wasn't going out of her way to please everyone and thinking of herself last. She had a lot of her own power, very feminine and receptive, yet personal power all the same. She loved that I could see that, where most saw weakness in her submissiveness, I saw strength.


Fantastic girl. Great dancer too. I wish I could still dance with her.