| Here is a boat load....
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt
How it is one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I just saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
She didn’t seem happy.
I think the sole purpose of a middle name is so you know when your in trouble
Do crowded elevators smell different to midgets?
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
When in doubt, mumble.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Jesus may love you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between me and my ex, After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a bitch.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?
They say that patience is a virtue; well I have been patient all my life and look where it's got me.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Would a lesbian dinosaur be called “Lickalotofpiss “
If a dwarf ran through a girls legs would he get a clit around the ear and a flap across the face?
If you got pulled over by a police woman and she said "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
What happen if you said “breasts “? Just a thought.
"You can't run from your problems. Especially if one of your problems is that you don't have legs..."
I need to burn some calories ….So the gym or set a fat kid on fire? …Umm think man think ?????
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer
Some guy on the street just said to me “What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?” Well if that’s the case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Soon is not a time!!!!
I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don't have film.
My printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and
the blinking red light.
It seems the hardest part of skating is the ice.
If you tell you there are 300 billion stars in the universe, you
believe me. But if you tell you a park bench has just been painted, you have
to touch it to be sure.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
To all you AFC’s, always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind, back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”
“There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.”
“You know who is confused? Bimbos. They’re easily confused. It’s one of the thousand little things I love about them. I love their vacant, trusting stares; their sluggish, unencumbered minds; their unresolved daddy issues. I love them, and they love me. Bimbos have always been there for me, through thick and thin—mostly thin”.
“Open your brain tank, bro, ’cause here comes some premium 91-octane knowledge. There’s three rules of cheating: 1. It’s not cheating if you’re not the one who’s married. 2. It’s not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she’s from a different area code.
“Now remember my three beginner’s tips for picking up chicks: Address her by name, isolate her from her friends, and subtly put her down.”
“Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!”
“Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.
“In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.”
_________________
Stylelife Academy Intern
|
CHAT
