I've wanted to talk about this subject for a while but don't have anyone in my social group with experience so I am putting my ideas and thoughts out to this forum. Please excuse if it is a little trail of consciousness in style.

My approach is to always start by asking questions. Why do I want an open relationship? What would it offer me? Am I comfortable with the situation? Is this just about having a lot of sex? Does this work long term? Is it just a certain age and period of life thing?

I am not a fan of ONS (bad sex, awkwardness, never feel great after) preferring to find a girl that I click with and enjoy hanging out together. I like the idea of taking a girl along to something we both enjoy and I don't see one girl being able to fulfil all my tastes e.g. my 'primary' (I've now adopted the lingo) doesn't like raves so it would be cool to find my rave girl. Why couldn't this just be a friend? That would be great but doesn't seem to be how the world works. I never go out one on one with a female friend outside of dating or a relationship. Maybe that's not normal?

Perhaps I want the stability and emotional pleasures of a relationship but also want to sexplore to make up for lost time as pre-pua there was not a lot of action.

My current unintentional open relationship

So a girl I've been seeing has naturally developed into an open relationship. I travel lots and she doesn't do the relationship thing so it just felt right for us to be this way. She's says she's happy as long as she's my 'primary'. I am new to the game and sex in general; polyamory feels like getting in at the deep end.

When in the country I was spending a lot of time with her and wasn't putting much effort into gaming as I was getting regular great sex. I went on one date with another girl which I talked to her about and she talked to me about meeting up with a fuck buddy from back in the day (it didn't go anywhere as she said she didn't feel it anymore). It was like a conversation you would have with a close mate. There is no need for lies between us. If I say I am meeting a girl for lunch on Wednesday she doesn't go all strange and start asking the standard monogamous questions 'Where do you know her from?', 'Is she good looking?'. If it's a date I just tell her. If it's not I tell her and she believes me.

Now I am away I can pursue other girls without breaking a 'contract' or being disloyal or having to worry about being found out. There's no jealousy, possession, suspicion or worrying. I really like the mature and honest element which 'open' is bringing to the relationship. It is so stress free (at the moment).

The ultimate goal of monogamous relationships is to stay together for a life-time. Under this definition almost all relationships fail. Under polyamory relationships come and go. People naturally flow in and out of your life. As such a relationship which say lasted 3 months could be cherished as a success. Isn't that a more pragmatic and optimistic outlook?

Ultimately if this were to become a committed monogamous relationship I think starting open would add a huge amount to it's security and value. That's saying we have been together whilst pursuing other options but actually what we really want is just each other.

I really want to hear about the experiences of others in the community.

Why are you in an open or MLTR? Has it worked? Is it satisfying? What are the pitfalls? Does this massively restrict the girls you can date i.e. most girls won't be cool with you seeing another girl (or maybe they are?).

Is this a time in your life thing i.e. you want a monogamous relationship with the 'one' in the future but right now you don't want commitment? Is it a faster way to meet the girl of your dreams?

What do your friends think about this i.e. introducing lots of different girls to your group? Or maybe you keep them to yourself? Girl 2 showed up the other day when I was out with two male friends. They didn't mind but I know some of my girl friends would of taken offense. Explaining that your 'primary' girlfriend allows this is bound to bring up questions and she might not feel as comfortable in your social group if everyone knows you two are 'open'.

What do you say when a friend asks you if you are single? If you tell the situation how it is the guys will think you are bragging and the girls will think you are a dick.

Thanks for helping a man who is in way over his head. I feel like I am dancing through a minefield when all I wanted was to be able to meet a nice girl at a disco

Hey man, nice post, I too have been wondering how other guys handle this situation, so I truly hope more will answer, theres a lot of questions and ill try to answer them all, but if I skip something or if this post inspires some new thoughts feel free to ask away.

Lets start things of with why I enjoy MLTR, basically theres two reasons for this, much like you I only rarely enjoy one nighters even though when I'm out i game specifically to get laid the same night, I however often turn my ONS into F-buddies to enjoy a more personal connection, the second reason is that though I do want a committed long term relationship somewhere in the future, I am at a point in my life were i have a hard time being faithful, and I don't like cheating, so MLTR are a good way to get both sex on a regular basis, and a bit of a connection without committing too much to the girl.

Almost all of my female friends are either MLTR, previous F-buddies or girls that I've slept with at some point, and it works very well for me, i love to have the freedom to get laid when i want to and still go sarge if thats what i feel like doing.

there are however some pitfalls I have found that generally can hinder my freedom in being with other girls, one of them is that like any form of relationship, whether friend, girlfriend or F-buddy, you have to work somewhat or the interaction will wither, this is not necessarily a bad thing, and you can use it to revert a F-buddy back into a friend if you want to cool things down for a while, however it does mean that if your F-buddy has a tendency towards using you as a bootycall when shes out drinking you can't keep turning her down because you're sarging other women because in the end that will make her stop calling you and start calling someone more reliable.

also i make it seem like the girl I'm with is always my primary choice since no one likes to be a failsafe, of course they know somewhere that it's not always the case, but the cat fight mentality many girls have, will kick in and make them feel good about themselves if you make them think that it is.

I generally travel in many social circles and thus I don't introduce the girls into my circle as much as they introduce me into theirs, personally I'm a very adaptive guy and i enjoy hanging out with a lot of different people, this also gives me the added benefit of a massive social life, with a lot of girls that are right on the edge of my social circle, and i find them extremely approachable and friendly.
another thing i like to do which generally works fantastic but can get you in a spot of trouble if you're not careful is what i call: Ripping through the social circle

it's basically the idea that social prove transience into the bedroom, I will sleep with 3 or 4 girls in the same social circle but without any of them being best friends close, in order to establish a reputation as a sexual guy who is a great lay, and who doesn't brag about having slept with you, the girls will talk about it, so they will know, however I don't spread the news, and I find that this type of reputation will get me laid a great deal with almost no effort in that particular social circle.

Naturally I convey a lot of sexuality and therefore people usually figure out themselves that I have the women i need in my life, so guys don't find my braggy and generally neither do girls, however i do have to provide some damage control when my afc friends spill the beans about how many I've slept with, however sometime guys find me threatening which means I'll have to deal with a lot of AMOG's my general friends are as a product of that usually female and/or gay with few male friends who are either very confident or sees me as the pack leader I.e. the mans man

and yes I tell people I'm single since i am free to pursuit any kind of relationship with a girl i meet, man this was a long one, but there it is.

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No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~Abraham Lincoln

Because i can.

open relationship = FWB or Fuck buddy

whatever you call it

don't see whats "new" here.

eventually you or her will grow deeper feelings and you or her will not be able anymore to deal with it.

and if you say you "don't care" that she fucks another guy you aren't in a relationship with her since you aren't exclusive.

you guys do get that polyamoury actually means like three or four people living together in a serious relationship?

it's not the same as "dating" multiple people or having friends with benefits.

ACTUAL polyamoury is like a 3 or 4-way marriage. only without the rings...

lol

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

That logic only applies under a monogamous definition of a 'relationship'...
Polygamy is a marriage which includes more than two partners.

Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

so we just "love" the multiple girls we date/bang?

that's the difference...

i'm fine with it.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

I can only conclude you didn't read my definition Mack...

There was no mention of love. You also overlooked the key point that there is complete openness and consent amongst all involved. That's clearly quite different from just 'banging' multiple girls.

I'll step up for this one. I usually just lurk here as I am more of a fasterseduction poster, but I've been in a very happy poly-relationship for over a year now. My GF is amazing; she is crazy about me, hooks me up with threesomes, is very sane (i.e. good girl), very high self esteem, and does not cause drama.

By far the best relationship I've ever been in. We both date other people and discuss it openly. I don't ever get jealous because most guys are relationship-impaired (because they haven't read the stuff we have). I also get to hear, constantly, how they screw up and piss off my girlfriend. I am actually HAPPY for her when she finds a half-way decent one because it's not that common (and it's fairly easy for me to find a girl to have good sex with when I'm not hanging out with my GF).

Now, WHY do I do this? Because it makes me happy and because I dislike lying and get bored in monogamous relationships. I need variety and it adds some variety to our relationship. My GF has an exciting sex life.. and I am the one providing that for her. Before me, she was mostly monogamous. She likes being poly way better.

Heck, she even started a blog about it (polygoodgirl on livejournal, if you're curious). Anyway, I hope that answered some of your questions.

-Wolf

Thanks for posting. I've just read the whole of her blog. It's been really eye opening. I like the post about her irrational behaviour and the way you handled it. She definitely sounds like a cool girl.

The girl I have found sounds very similar. She's bi-sexual, has mentioned introducing threesomes (MFF) in the future (birthday present), seems drama free and is just so down to earth and honest. She doesn't seem to get embarrassed and just speaks her mind. So we have this completely open and honest dynamic.

It's early days so I don't know how things will progress. We both seem to not want to 'admit' how much we like each other. By our own acknowledgements we are both scared of commitment. She hasn't brought up the 'relationship' or being my 'girlfriend' etc. I don't intend to and will wait for her. She calls me her gentleman lover. I call her my miscellaneous as there doesn't seem to be a word in the English language (we talked and laughed when trying to make one up).

I'm unsure where all this is heading but I'm going to live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is. My sexuality is definitely developing. I've always considered myself very open minded. She is the girl I've been looking for to explore my quirks and kinks. With her nothing is off limits. It's set the bar pretty high for other girls.

As for meeting other girls I intend to continue gaming when I get back 'home' (been away travelling) and we are together again. I'm new to PUA and have loads I want to try out and discover. PUA is fun and those 'meeting a girl for the first time' experiences are so intense and crazy. I love it. However I don't see myself being as active. For starters I already have a girl so am getting regular sex. Then there is the fact that if I am seeing her I have less time to game. I'm also aware that I don't want to meet someone I really have a connection with. There's a girl out here (travelling) who I got on really well with. I could go and hang out with her for my final week but I know that will muddle my mind. I don't think that is worth the benefit of some easy sex. I'd rather wait a week till I get back and spare myself the emotions. All this tells me I'm not yet fully comfortable with poly. I really see this all as a period of personal learning, experimentation, and growth.

It would be great if you could answer the friends questions. When I introduced her to my friends one of the girls mentioned something in passing about the great thing about having a boyfriend. My girls face scrunched up, it was priceless I played it down 'Ahh your reaction was so funny' but it was a little awkward for everyone else. We talked about it when alone afterwards and had a good laugh.

I feel like I really want to talk to my friends about this relationship. Not to brag, but just to share and know what they think. However I guess part of my obligation to my girl is to not shout and to be discrete about out setup. Interestingly it's brought me closer to my brother as he is outside of my social group and I know the word would stop with him. I'm sure your 'unless asked, don't tell' attitude is the sensible way forward.

i didnt read everything but it seemed like you were asking how to get a gf that accepts you having other gfs e.g 1 of you 3 of them...
I'd start by getting one gf but telling her that you already have a gf who is down with you having others (a lie), once you have 1 real gf get a 2nd and then have a break up with the ''first'' - not real gf

thats how i'd start anyway...

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Sheps, no offense, but I don't think that lying is the way to go here. Lying about who you're dating is beta behavior. You'd never see James Bond lying about being in a relationship. Just tell girls what you're looking for and then hold your ground when they start to test your frame.

I usually bring up the whole open relationship thing on the first or second date. I usually ask her about her previous boyfriends / relationship history and then follow that up by telling a story that implies I'm into open relationships (complaining about my last monogamous relationship, telling her about a cool swinger party i went to, telling her about how amazing my last open relationship went, etc.) This is how I screen my dates. I don't really ever get a negative reaction. Usually the girls are fascinated and ask a lot of questions. I don't think I've ever had a girl not sleep with me because I'm looking for an open relationship. Typically, the ones who have a problem with open relationships sleep with me a couple times FIRST, and then leave when they realize they can't "change" me. However, that's all part of the screening process. The majority of girls are okay with it, but they WILL shit test you to see if you are serious.

-Wolf

Wolfwoodd thats true and I AGREE with you, but we're talking about starting off this cycle i just think it would be easier to have this girl (who is based on the gfs you are going to have) already in place how many girls are going to be down to be the first girl that has to share you when you're as awesome as you are in her eyes.

i'm not talking about lieing about your exploits or experience or making up a fictional back story or any of that shit just saying ''ye i already have a gf thats down''

but i've never actually done this shizzle it just seems that the first one is going to be the hardest to convice

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