| I’m writing this drunk and coming down, but I have to get my thoughts in writing before I forgot them all.
Beta’s will get screwed over in life. You will be stuck with a morbidly obese, insane, and rude bitch. It makes me sick to my stomach watching inferior woman disrespect a man, or on a worst case two betas showing PDA. Let me elaborate…
I went to visit my friend up in Fredonia (upstate NY) so I took the bus to party and spend the weekend. When I arrived on Thursday my friend took me to visit his nerdy beta male friend. I get to this kids house and see this big ROUND fat chick with him; sitting near the table eating Chinese food asking him to get things for her. It was appalling to look at but when I found out that she has bad kidneys and has a slew of health problems. I asked my friend why he stayed with her and he condemned me for being shallow. Bro, our job as men is to ensure the survival of our species; if this chick has babies they will be FUCKED. He didn’t disagree with me… Then I meet with the ‘lucky’ couple when they drive me to the movies. The beta male was driving back to the campus when the girl didn’t have her seat belt on (it was tangled at the dispenser) and just started flipping shit. “OH MY GOD YOU DO THIS ALL THE TIME. STOP STOP STOP. THIS IS WHY I DON’T LIKE YOU. YOU DON’T LISTEN TO ME.” Meanwhile the guy is providing her with all the information she needs to untangle it! She even asked him to help her move the seat back, she was too fat to bend down and get it herself! How can beta males tolerate that kind of shit?
Anyway this isn’t meant to be a rant. This is a field report. Very disappointed that this isn’t a lay report but I tried…
Fredonia is a college that has two women for every guy. 60% of the male population is gay. Of those 40% straight men I feel that 50% of them are losers. It’s a small college in the middle of nowhere. Just setting the scene…
I arrive on Thursday, nothing went on – nbd. But when I was with my friend at his job some other fat girl – Kristina, came to visit and started staring at me, hitting on me like I was a piece of meat. Long story short I would not tap.
Friday night I woke up, learned my way around campus in the morning. Later in the day there was an improv comedy show. I brought some mixed drinks with me to the show and just started pregaming early. Nothing to do in Fredonia but drink! I go to visit my bartender friend Anthony and I start chatting up the woman at the front desk signing people in, just commenting on how professional her nails look, the usual. After a few shots of patron we decided we needed to find something to do. Nobody could find a party on campus so we started walking off campus. I told them “fuck it I’ll yell at girls on the street if I can’t find anything to do.” Lo and Behold that’s what I ended up doing. Every person I passed I started chatting up “Where’s the party at?” “Where we going out looking so nice?” The regular drunk stuff. Walking off campus we run into Kristina who is allegedly part of a “fake sorority” and she had a very hot blonde friend with her. I start working the blonde girl hoping that my friend will take the hint to entertain Kristina. The blonde girl shows me her harry potter tattoo on her upper back and I take a nice look at her ass, which in combination with her double D tits makes her bangable. I measured the fat chicks tits against her tits (I legit lined them both up, had them stick their chest out, and touched side boob to measure them out) (The blonde was perky while Kristen had fat saggy). Anyway I’m working the kino, getting deep eye contact (trying to grab hands and obtain an IOM) but I have my arm around her/Clawing her (FORGOT TO LICK!) and I’m trying to keep her as focused on me as possible. She moved to be closer to me (by proximity and moving her ass towards my crotch) and I took it as an invitation to stay. I number closed her and then Kristen grabbed my ass. I told her to turn around, I’m an equal opportunity ass grabber and she bends over and lets me grab her ass. I then turned to the blonde and did the same thing. No resistance it was going good but then Kristina (BUILT LIKE A LINEBACKER) pulled me off to the side.
“I have the dorm to myself.” I know what she is implying and I wanted nothing to do with her. Instead of telling her no because of her weight I told her that brunette isn’t my type. “All my girls have been blondes; brunettes don’t do it for me.” Attempting to enlist her to help me with getting laid I told her I’m crushing on her girlfriend. She simply replies “Your not getting any from her.” “Give up you wont get in her pants.” “You don’t stand a chance.” Drunk me got demoralized so I hugged them goodbye and met up with my friends in the dorm. I was seriously bummed out by not getting any that I took my friends phone and called Kristina. I straight up said “Hey its Brian, lets have a threesome. Only way I’m doing this.” She declined because she was too drunk to realize it was me and I went to bed crying about the void that being rejected by a fat chick has created in my heart.
Saturday comes and I wake up at 3ish. I getout of bed hungover and walked to grab starbucks on campus. Long story short Its 9:30 and me and my friend have been drinking. We pass a girls dorm that has birthday decorations on it. He tells me “When your drunk I want you to knock on her door and introduce yourself as her birthday present.” I said fuck it I’m going to do that right now. I knock on the door and she doesn’t answer. Her roommate walked by the hallway and didn’t know what I was doing near her door. I told her my plan and she opened the door for me “I’ll go along with this she says” as she looks me up to down. The girl opens the door and she’s cute. I introduce myself as her belated birthday present, I’m a guy from out of town, I’m a male stripper who’s trying to earn money for my son. I tell her that she better get dressed that I’m taking her out and ask for her number. She tells me to come back when were about to go out and that I don’t need her number. I walk back into the dorms to get ready to make the most of a beat night and resume drinking.
Now I decided to call the blonde babe from Friday night before I got cock blocked by Kristina. I simply ask her “Hey hows it going, its that guy from yesterday, hows your hangover, how you feeling, what you doing tonight?” She tells me that she’s third wheeling it with her roommate and her roommates BF watching movies. I tell her that I’m on my way and she told me no. I reply “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, I’m only here for tonight, let’s just enjoy eachother.” She tells me how she got the flue from being out last night in a tee shirt. I asked her “Is it STD bad or HIV bad?” she laughs and tells me its neither. I responded that I was really looking forward to sleeping with her tonight. She told me that “I’m going to regret my decision but I’m too sick. You’re a good looking guy I admit so next time you come hit me up.” I had the phone on speaker phone so my two friends could hear the WHOLE conversation. They were awestruck that she was taking what I was saying very seriously and sounded interested. I told her that she better send me a picture of her ink for me to remember her. She sent me the message shortly after.
So I go to check on birthday girl and it turns out that she left the dorm room. A totally different girl answers the door. So we run to the SPAM and grab cash and I’m going to write birthday girl a letter. I meet up with a stoner suitemate and we write this amazing letter:
Dear Birthday Girl,
Roses Are Red,
Violets Are Blue,
I hope my Dick,
Isn’t too big for you.
-Your Birthday Present
(My number here)
I knocked on the door, no response so I taped the letter to the door so she can see it when she comes back.
We hit Walmart up and got some food. Came back on campus and went to my friends girlfriends dorm where she had a hot 25 year old friend staying the night. My friends gf was telling me how she;s a kinky girl and looking for a guy. I show up and try subtly working my magic. I tried Kino, engaging her into 1 on 1 talk with me, and DHVing myself to her but I was too drunk and faded to be successful. I tried to show her my police badge and my courtesy cards showing how I’m a big shot but all she found out was that I’m born in ’91. Didn’t work out too well for me.
We left the dorm and I decided that I wasn’t about to quit the pick up for the night. I got a post it note pad and started writing letters to the chicks in the dorm. Everyone has names on their dorm doors so I wrote letters to the hottest sounding chicks. Letters like
Dear Ashley/tara/allison
God Blessed you/you’re the sunshine of my life/don’t wake up alone!/You’re an amazing girl.
-(Number here)
The RA even came up to me and told me to write and include one on her dorm. As long as I didn’t write anything too out of line. Watched a drunk chick streak past me in just a bra.
I was writing the last post it note when the girl opened her door and asked me what I was doing, what I was writing on the notes, who I was ect. I was chatting her up when more girls started opening their doors and they asked me where I was from, what I did tonight, who I knew: basically trying to get to know me. My friend comes over cause he’s scared that I’ll get in trouble and pulls me away from the chicks.
I’ll keep everyone posted on who calls me but I’m just a guy trying to have a good time!
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