Pick up is starting to transform my life. I came across game theory around 2009 and was captivated by its logic and and analytical approach. I felt as though I had stumbled upon a gold mine. As a student of history, I appreciated how it bases its approach on the psychology of humans as hunter gatherers - a hard wiring that has not changed to this day. The analysis and logic of survival value vs. replication value - all based on sound logic. But it is one thing to enjoy discourse on game theory and another actually go infield and apply the knowledge of gaming.
I may have dabbled here and there by using some techniques and theory as I went about my daily life, but it wasn't until 2010 that I actually went into the field for my first sarge. I went in field and opened two sets: they went nowhere but i had fun. I was supposed to go for a second sarge but I did not follow through and I ended up ignoring game for a while. I was terrified. I couldn't bring myself to go out again.
In school I was always made fun of and picked on. I had only one girlfriend and two other sex partners.
To put it simply: this was mot game. It was what PUA Jack Coxwell calls "passive value." It was based mostly on my looks alone and circumstance and these were not Hbs at all. 6/10 at best!
All throughout my teenage years I never even talked to any girls. None. I mean none. I was a good looking guy, but in pick up, looks is only oil for the machine: it smooths the motions of your game; it's only "passive value" and allows for greater room for error. Even if you look good, a woman needs a man with high survival value. To survive in paleolithic times you need an alpha male. In school, i would get a plethora of what I now know to be IOIs. I knew it - however crudely - that they were interested but I hadn't the slightest clue how to approach.
Because I was picked on often, I was always overly self-conscious and paranoid. I was terrified to be in crowds, and to this day I'm continuing a process of desensitization of this fear. (BTW: I'm winning!) I was always socially awkward and would imitate gestures and the precise words of the "cool kids" whenever I could. I didn't know that it wasn't the exact words they said, but it was their belief in it and therefore the way they expressed it; not to mention their particular context it was used in. In short, I was not only typical AFC but ashamed of my own existence to the point of having well-nigh panic attacks (and sometimes I still have to fight against the feeling).
Many people fight against their unpleasant feelings through drugs or alcohol. My choice was masturbation. I would do it as much as seven times a day, and I suspect the guilt behind that caused me to be even more self-consious and ashamed of my own existence. Not only that but I have a powerful gaze and some people don't like it. I was literally taunted when I was walking down the street one time; as I was walking in the direction of a group of girls they said "somebody needs to get laid!!"
Words cannot describe how angry that made me! I brooded for a few minutes and wanted to go back to them so that I could curse them out. I frantically searched the streets to find them but they were nowhere to be found. What was the point anyway. I follow the dictum that all anger is self-directed; I was only mad at myself. Besides, it was true; I needed to get laid and I reeked of it and low value. Can anyone else possibly reek that much of sexual neediness??? (Please tell me.)
Enter Summer 2011: I started a summer research program at my college. I never talked to females ever before in my life (hyperbole) and the whole student body consists only two other guys besides myself- its basically all girls. I start talking to this HB7 in the program. She has a boyfriend but we both become pretty intimate with heavy kino. I could have kissed closed at one point but I did not have the balls to do it. I acted somewhat AFC and this relationship ended in frustration but who cares when you're studying game.
After the summer program ended I got back into game theory but not yet sarging. I felt more comfortable around females now because of the program and I wanted to have more fun with girls after I was pretty close with the HB7.
i approach a cute HB7 in the street daygame. i went on two dates with her talked on the phone applying heavy kino but I still couldn't get the courage to kiss close. I admire her; we have similar interests. It's going good between us but her mom is racist. She doesn't like me. There are more details but let's just say me and her didn't work out because she wasn't willing to be a pariah in her family and neighborhood.
It didn't pan out but it was a sucessful approach and we enjoyed each other. I wanted to do more. I knew I could. I procrastinated for a while but by August 2011 went out once more to sarge. And Thank god for Simple Pickup! Watching those guys - Jesse, Jason, and Kong- gave me that final push to go. It started off uneventful. I had done a social engineering technique earlier to give instant confidence but I still couldn't approach. Then after standing around for a while, I did some approaches and got shot down.
But soon after I was in motion
They say AA never goes away but I was approaching set after set (seemed like that to me anyway).I was alpha and sexual. I had fun and couldn't stop thnking about game until the next sarge. In between my first sarge and the next I did a couple of approaches and felt good about it.
I went out to sarge again but to a new location this time and the crowds were vary large as well. I couldn't open. How disconcerting: to feel like you're on top of the world opening sets but then the next time you can't do any.
I got a bit depressed but then started looking into some inner game. I realized I made the decision to be a PUA and I wasn't going to give up so easily. I went out again. I had about a 50-60% approach rate.
And Sunday, my last sarge, I had trouble opening for a while again. I performed some good wingwanship but nothing for myself. A few approachable sets I passed by. (I need to develop that approach habit/ impulse more.)
Next, I opened a set: HB8, Asian. I was blown out. She claimed she couldn't speak English, but she spoke enough to tell me " I don't speak English." She had to have known I was trying to game her at least. It was apparently rejection but the guys at Simple Pickup showed me how fun rejections can be: "forever alone!"
Then....I saw the cutest HB9. I told my wing with determination "I'm going to talk to that girl." She was quite a distance away but I had to approach her! I was determined to go after her, so I dashed off to catch up. She stopped to look at something and then I opened. She gave me some flack initially but I plowed. We talked there at the spot for a few minutes and then started walking in the park we were in. It was an instant date.
She was so interesting. A German national of Turkish origin who spoke four languages. She was only in the city for a week and today was her last day. We walked around the park for about 2 hours talking and going to a few landmarks, (as I tried to hide my erection
) and as I applyed some pretty slick kino game . (Check out PUA Love Drop.) I told her this was the most romantic walk in the park ever and she agreed as I put my arm aroud her. She eventually told me she had to get home soon. So I said I'd walk her to the train.
When we got there I told her this was it. I held her hand and told her it was very enjoyable. I knew she was going toI made her promise next time she was in the city she'd contact me (via facebook). Without hesitation she retorted with a quick "yes!" I said ok and looked into her eyes then told her: close your eyes.
She did and then I went for the kiss. It was my first my first real kiss since I was seventeen (I'm in my early twenties now). The transition was smooth but the aftermath was somewhat awkward. As a student of game I know I should have said "that's all you get...until you come back" or even tell her to have a safe trip. I just said "OK" and walked off almost with my tail between my legs. Normally I wouldn't have the balls to kiss vlose but I knew I had to.
For me, it was a tremendous success but I couldn't stop thinking about it. And I can't now. Even though I kiss closed an HB9, I still felt awkward even afterward. Even now.
What could it be? Could it be that because of my fear of embarrassment, I was so ashamed that I was smooth in the aftermath. It was my first kiss close. Considering my history and my fear of embarassment and crowds had I touched a raw nerve with my kiss close? I did have a considerable amount of school work to do when I got home, so could it have been guilt about that? Or was it that I had not opened that many sets to begin with and i feel like I failed because of that?
What do you think?
Even today, I feel very self-conscious and feel like I may be regressing.
In any case, this is my story and I'm not ashamed of any of it. I won't let this stop me. I want to figure this out with your help, move on, and then get better.
CHAT
