ok so here's the deal, I've currently been in a relationship with this girl for about 2 months, things have been awesome she seems really into me always saying she's so "lucky to be with me," "you're perfect," blah blah blah. I am not needy or clingy at all and haven't given away how much I care for her, so far I think I've played it well. The problem comes with "her ex." When I first started dating her and hooking up with her she was coming out of "a relationship/fling" with another guy who treated her like shit, he would only see her once every week or two and they weren't exclusive. When she told him she wasn't going to see him anymore because she wanted to be my girl he got pissed off and deleted her off facebook, cried and told her he'd change and wanted her back, she said no. I knew she still had some lingering feelings when they stopped seeing each other and she started seeing me exclusively.

Since then (two months ago) almost every weekend when he is out and drunk he'll call her. Sometimes she will ignore it sometimes she answers cause he won't stop calling till she answers, (to be honest I think she enjoys the attention and having guys chase her). When she does answer he just rants on about how he wants her back and that one day he will get her back. So far I've told her it doesn't bother me and that she can do whatever she wants. I've been saying this as I want to appear completely secure and confident in the relationship and not threatened by him and I don't want to restrict her from talking to him (as I think girls tend to want to do what they're restricted from doing). Also he's always drunk when he calls so I figure he's not doing himself any favors calling her in this state.

Although in truth it's really starting to bother me, I'm not happy with him calling her every weekend and then I just noticed they're friends again on facebook. I'm not sure if I should put my foot down and say enough is enough I don't want you talking to him at all??? Or should I just continue acting like it doesn't bother me and is not an issue even though to me it is??? Or should I talk to him myself and tell him to fuck off??? I'm also thinking perhaps I should talk to her and ask her if she has any feelings left for him and if she does tell her I'm done? I'm not an idiot I knew she'd still have feelings for him when we first started dating but I thought they'd be gone by now, I think they probably are and I'm just being paranoid.... I told myself I wouldn't get too emotionally involved with this girl at the start cause I stole her from another guy but I've failed at that... However I definitely haven't been acting like an afc with her. I'd love to get your opinions on this issue as I feel I'm too emotionally involved to assess it well.

Thanks so much guys, sorry about the long rant i just felt you need a lot of info to give good advice.

It would be very bad for you to try to stop her from talking to him, because you would be doing it out of insecurity.

When a guy is calling a girl begging her to come back, he is only showing her how weak and pathetic he is and pushing her away even further. Why would you want to stop him from destroying his masculinity? He is only making you look better.

Keep acting like it doesn't bother you. Better yet, don't let it bother you!

The only way this can turn out badly for you, is if you let it make you insecure and needy, and you start to destroy your own masculinity in the process. It sounds like you are starting to head down that path, so you need to change your mindset around real quick.

I disagree, put your foot down. If you do it in a strong, assertive and not controlling way, just a simple statement that you aren't comfortable with it and want it to stop, she'll probably respect you and cut him off.

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Argh see this is exactly the two thoughts I've had in regards to this problem so far.

Sidnne6, yes that is why up until now it hasn't really bothered me at all because I knew his actions were that of a total afc, so I normally just laughed when she told me of his drunken calls and then moved onto talking about something else. My main issue is if I don't do anything then maybe his calls will become more frequent and she'll become used to having him as some part of her life again and then perhaps some of the old feelings will start to redevelop. If I don't do anything I'm not sure how long it'll take till he stops calling and gives it up, if ever?!

Stand up, I also see where you're coming from, getting in there and preventing anything from growing could be the best option but the main issue here is creating that 'forbidden fruit' for her by restricting her from talking to him. I'm afraid it would make talking to him more tempting and this could lead to her lying about talking to him, and making communicating with him more exciting. And I don't want to seem insecure because even if I tell her calmly and confidently I want her to stop talking to him it is still an act out of insecurity isn't it?

I have told her when she asked if I was a jealous type, that I don't really get jealous as I am confident in our relationship and thus have no reason to get jealous. She said that she likes guys who get a bit jealous, so far I've shown pretty much no jealousy in our relationship as I see that as insecurity. Perhaps now would be the time to show a bit of jealousy and put a stop to her communications with this guy? I'm really not sure...

The fact that they're friends on facebook again bothers me so much as I believe that once you're over someone you just don't really care what they're doing and thus wouldn't have interest in being their facebook friend, although on the other hand she's very friendly with everyone and tries to be everyone's friend.

This guys is quite popular in his circle from what I've heard from other people (not her) so perhaps him constantly chasing her is more effective cause he's a high status male (socially anyway, in all aspects of his life he's a drop kick, always getting into fights getting arrested etc) and I don't think she thought she is as high status as him. She has also told me more than once she thought I was too good for her cause I'm also pretty popular in my social circles (sorry, I know I just sounded like a wanker, just trying to set the scene a bit).

Perhaps I'm overreacting cause she has said countless times how she thought that she was happy when she was with him and comparing him to me she's so much happier with me and that he was shit etc. And I know for a fact all her friends and family have been saying to her how much better I am But this issue is getting to me!

Thanks for the fast replies guys I'm really appreciating your help with this.

yeh, I think you can't make it an order. If it's just a statement of fact. "It's starting to get annoying, I had no problem with it at first but this is getting stupid. If you respect me, and yourself, I think it would be best to end your association with this guy." it should remove any forbidden fruit element. She'll more than likely phase him out pretty quickly.

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Yeh, I think the delivery is the most crucial part. I should act like it's not bothering me too much right and just say it as if it's no big deal? Should I not bring it up till he either calls or she mentions that he called? She tells me when he calls and tells me what he says (I don't ask if he calls she just tells me).

Does anyone else have any opinions either way? For telling her to stop talking to him? Or just do nothing?

Thanks all!

I would actually be OK if you presented in a way such as Stand Up suggested. But not in any of the ways that you had stated in your OP.

Like I said, you were coming from a place of insecurity, which is not where you want to come from. If you can do it from a place of strength, then so be it.

theres a few reasons you should NOT get into this topic with her

1) forbid something from a girl and BLAM shes gotta have it
2) who gives a fuck YOU ARE THE MAN, he could only ever be 2nd best on his best day don't forget now, you make the godfather look weak you make bradd pitt look ugly you are fucking awesome (you have to know and feel this) ...it helps that its true
3) it can make you look weak or insecure in her eyes
4) If shes already decided she wants the ex then shes decided and you've already fucked up all you can do is start to look more attractive to her by doing the things that attract women BEFORE its too late and she settles on going back

these things would be: not seeking her approval /not texting back instantly/ not initiating contact with her... this isn't ignoring her or being rude but making her think about you first/ having a plan and leading her ''We're going to >that resturant she likes< dress sexy babe'' /being spontaneous and showing her you know her not by being gay but using those little details of things shes into shes said over the course of the relationship

if you wanted to get a little bit of info i'd bring it up in a conversational way
''What do you guys even talk about most of my exs are boooooring, thats why they're exs '' and just leave it, if she replies she replies if not who gives a shit.

Hope you enjoyed the essay ^^^

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I did enjoy it thank you Cheers for the awesome advice.

I chose not to bring it up as the next time I saw her she brought up the topic with me saying she thought he was weird adding her on fb again. I just acted as if I did not care. I think doing nothing has worked very well as she's been turning her phone off on weekend nights now so she doesn't get his drunken calls. Also I went to a party with her a week or so ago and the ex was there, she was a bit pissed off he was there and she didn't talk to him at all and he left soon after, so I think it's a bit of a non issue.

I do tend to act as you described sheps, like I'm the man and no other guy is a threat or could ever take her from me. I think this plus acting like the ex is harmless to our relationship and doesn't pose a threat and not forbidding her from seeing him is very effective.

you're doing it 100% right bro keep that attitude

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see this is a giant grey area, because the general community advice is 'don't care' and that is great because it shows lack of insecurity and doesn't set a challenge for her to break,

on the other hand, I want to say, I have been in a similar position to you, but in that other 'drunk asshole who calls her on weekends' sort of position, and I fucked the girl, but the situation was a tad different and I was never dating her, just having sex with her, she tried to threaten me with seeing some other guy, I took the I don't care route, and she started dating him, So I took the wow im pissed off with you route (lol not by choice if I had a choice would have taken the I don't care route) she fed off of it, and loved the attention, told me she wasn't going to see that guy, told him the same thing im sure, and continued to try to fuck me on the side, while I resisted her and ignored due to being pissed off about her lieing (she was dating him, told me she wasn't but someone else that knew both of them told me they were certainly dating) eventually, I ended up having sex with her again, but one thing is for sure, after the occurrence I knew, I would not date her, once a cheater, always a cheater

the choice is yours, if it were me, I would go with the open relationship route, if she is going to cheat she is going to cheat not much you can do about it, especially when you are dealing with young girls who have options, but I would not be so hasty to trust a girl I hooked up with while she had a BF that is just craziness

Man, I could never do the open relationship thing with her, I care far too much about her and would feel like killing any other guy who touches her. Yeah she's young and good looking and has options but so do I, and I have cheated on past gf's (not proud of it) but would definitely not cheat on her. So I don't think once a cheater always a cheater applies for everyone. I never think she would cheat on me unless I completely dropped the ball and the relationship got crap as her last fling did.

I don't really think this guy is an issue anymore, she seems pretty over him now and it seems like he is finally giving up on the chase. She has said a few times that she thought she was happy with him but now she's with me she knows what true happiness is and that he doesn't even come close to comparing to me. (and no I didn't ask her about the differences between us, she just said it randomly). Plus all her friends think I'm rad and were bagging him out at this party saying how much of an ass he is and how he's put on sooo much weight.

If he comes back onto the scene calling her often and she actually starts taking the calls again I'd tell her to cut it or I'm out. But I don't think this is likely SPAM. However, I'm still going to approach the relationship a bit cautiously and try not become too emotionally invested in it

Cheers for the input bro's!

She likes this guy calling.

Do you understand? If she didn't want him to call, she would tell him. Or not answer. Eventually he would get the hint.

Here's what you do, and you can't do it half-assed: tell her that you've enjoyed dating her the past two months. You're establishing a trust and a future with her. This guy is interfering with that. Tell her if you aren't enough validation for her, that you will walk. If he calls again, you do just that.

I know you have feelings for this girl and that this will be hard. But this is supposed to be the most simple part of the relationship, and if it's complicated already, there's gonna be a lot of shit down the road. It is an honor and a privilege to be dating you. Remember that! And this girl should know she is abusing that privilege.

Think of all the girls you weren't exclusive with before you met her. What would you do if one of them was blowing up your phone? You would sort it out. This girl is acting helpless, but deep down, she is thriving off this validation.

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yes

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You will only make him look more attractive if you show her that you care about her talking with him.