So after much thought, i am bout 80% leaning towards calling my relationship a quit. She is sending too many mixed signals and I get the feeling that she doesnt know what she wants. You guys always say if you not happy then move on, and I have to take that as Golden advice. I see her in person and things seem great, but apparently things must not be. I dont ask much from her, but when I did not do anything wrong and it seems that she Freezes me out? that is a problem. Thanks for the support guys, its just time for me to move on I suppose. At least I can walk away knowing I gave 110%.

Im not a needy guy by any means but I do notice patterns or breaking of one. Ex. Even after all the arguments we've had over the months, she always says Goodnight via text or responds to my Goodnight. I hear nothing from her for 24hrs, not a peep. I say Goodnight and get nothing back. Yes that to me is odd. Little inside info, she had her best friends Bachlorett party or however you spell that sat night and I had no issue with that. Full trust. But something just doesnt add up. I know you might be saying, well maybe she lost her cell phone (I know she has a computer and access to internet, ahhh a email or PM on facebook to tell me she lost it) so that idea is debunked. And here it is almost half way into today and still nothing. Im not going to be all AFC and keep texting or call her, I already did my part. If i do not hear from her by tomo, Ill assume I have no GF. At the least she better had a DAM good reason for blowing me off and better be sorry to high heavens for it. Im her BF not some chump on her friends list. Maybe its just me but Id like to think other guys out there would be feeling the same right now.

Hey Lode,

Wanted to thank you for the response you gave me earlier last week. It really made me think and I wanted to discuss something related to what you said.

You said earlier:
and
Yes. my parents are interfering with my relationship I think.

I'll explain the situation:

I live at home with my parents (for just a couple of months, till I go and live by myself). I've wanted to get out of the house for a longer time, but soon I will have the means to do so.

I don't feel like my parents are proud of me, eventhough I attend a school that is very hard to get in to and to maintain. I want them to feel proud about me, yet they never or very rarely say it. But those things don't have to be said. You will know when your parents are proud of you or not.

But my brother, my parents are very proud of him. He is incredibly smart and leads a very active and eventfull life. He is also a dutch celebrity (you might even know him). This makes it very hard for me to compete and it feels like my parents have set the bar pretty high for me. I don't really know if this is the case, but I'm certain things would be different if my brother wouldn't have been so succesfull. I'm not saying that I am perfect and that they can't see it, I can be deceiving on multiple levels, which makes me a person that can manipulate events to go certain ways, and they probably know it.

But before I get deeper into that...

The stuff about my brother and my parents, I think that's where my previous comment on page 29 of this topic came from. I said those things to my GF because my mother basically told me she is unsure about my girlfriend. And I really hate that! I want to have my parents to be proud of me, so it makes my stomach turn everytime I bring my GF up when we are eating, and they don't even respond to it.

They have a totally wrong view about my GF. They don't see her how I see her.

I want to change this. I want them all to like each other so we can all be happy and I don't have to feel so sad about all of this.

What perhaps does not help, is that my girlfriend feels uncomfortable with my parents, and I don't feel very comfortable with my parents + girlfriend in 1 room. This is due to because me and my GF met each other through the same therapy group we attend each week and I talked about my parents a lot in there. She knows what my parents don't know, how I think about them, how afraid I can be, how unhappy I can be with the smallest remarks they can make. This knowledge makes it hard for my GF to reset the beliefs I, I guess, forced into her by talking about my parents in therapy. She has a hard time to get to know them for who SHE thinks they are, instead of what I think my parents are.

That being said, I guess it does not help that she has been over for only 3 times (1 time for tea, 2 times for dinner) in 8 months, but I invite her over whenever my parents are gone for the weekend\week. And my parents know this. So they must think that she finds it normal to only come when my parents themselves are gone.

But the truth is, my GF is very aware of this and feels horrible about it all. She wants to be comfortable with my parents, she wants them to really get to know her, but I feel so much resistance from my parents. As if they've already made up their mind about her.

My GF doesn't know about what I think my parents think about her, and I will keep it that way untill the situation resolves itself.

For now, I think the best course is to have her come over more often, but don't make things so goddamn official. Everytime my parents and my GF are in the same room, we all pretend we are informal, but it all feels very fucking formal. So I hope that as time goes by and when my GF comes over more often, unanounced, they will get used to each other and perhaps even like each other.

It makes me feel like the fucking middle man though.

Thanks I really appreciated

Space is ok ... you can give as much time and space if you like...it's about what you do when you are doing it... or being. Don't impress her, talk to other woman and develop social skills , develop a natural attractiveness towards woman. If you are concious during interactions you will be unstiffled and enjoying the conversation a whole lot more.

If you are having alot of fun woman will sense that and they will appreciate this, learn to be fun around woman - learn to pump your own state. if you have trouble during a conversation just ask something and think '' how can i make this fun '' while she's responding...there are always some funny remarks you can make.

Ever had a very good night or interaction with friends or woman ? a interaction where you really laughed your ass off ? that is just a state of concious and you can switch to it anytime anwhere - you just need to learn how. If you want one specific woman - get good with woman in general.

Or you can improve your personality and practice massive inner game , that helps as well.

you can steal routines and that stuff from PUA , the problem is that you will be very fun in the first interactions... but not fun/original in the relationship, it's like you come of super cool at the approach but you will suck after you've had sex. You don't have to be super funny...don't be too funny...Accept your sexuality .. it's completely fine to seduce her.

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jack yep .. i've been there...it's just better to walk away.. too many red flags. she isn't interested, one of my ex GF's didn't return my calls and txt messages either (sometimes for 1 or 2 weeks) - it can totally deflate you.

Don't be friends or whatever just cut her out of your life... at least until you are completely over her. The best descision does not always feel good...but you have to go for what is best in the long run.

running away for something can be too easy and quitte immature because you don't have to go through emotions... i think she ran away bro.

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TheArtArtist i need to think about it for a while .. lots of information !

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I'm not going anywhere

Thanks!

Hey Lode, thanks for your earlier response to my question a while ago.

Got another quick one for you, should be pretty simple:

Basically my gf and i are doing long distance, its going ok. im working on trust issues etc so thats all up to me from here on out. My one question is this: should i text her good night every night?

its something we've always done for our entire relationship, i dont do it to keep tabs on her or to remind her of me or anything weird like that. i do it because i always have and its a habit. usually it was a 50/50 thing in that id do it some nights and she'd do it some nights but recently its been all me. usually she is still awake doing stuff (time difference and night life at her uni - mine hasnt started yet) so im going to bed first but yeh should i cut it out? like a mini freeze out?

does it DLV me to be seen to be thinking of her each night? it used to be something we just did but perhaps it shouldnt be? she has never not responded (tonight may be the first time...) so its not like i get blanked, i just wonder if doing this regularly is a suggestion of weakness on my part? I always considered it a nice thing and my family have always done it to one another even if we are oceans apart etc... its a habit.

i realise this is a pretty unimportant question in the grand scheme of things but ive wondered it for a while and would welcome your opinion.

cheers

Thanks my good friend

Lodewijkp

Yeah she got back at me like two hrs after I posted that. Said she was so tired and fell asleep. Granted I understood that, but I also let her know that given the events prior why I made it clear that it was not acceptable. I let her see what I felt and after that she did feel sorry and apologized. Your still probably right about her slipping away bc I feel the same. Could be lack of socialized personality on her part or she just doesn't care and is trying to use me. Either way I'm lost with her dam mixed signals. Moving on will probably be the way to go, so thank you for the advice.

Hey Lode, I have an interesting one for you.

I've been dating this girl on and off for the past 3 years. For various reasons, we couldn't have a normal relationship as she moved around quite a bit and was only in my city a few months out of the year. She's now 23 and I'm 34. Last year we spent 3 solid months together when I finally moved out of my parent's place and got my own condo. Things were great and we couldn't have been happier.

Unfortunately, she had to go back to Hong Kong last September for what was supposed to be 3 months which has now turned into a year. During the first few months, everything was fine. We chatted online and talked on the phone all the time because she wasn't working at the time. She always said that she missed me and loved me. When she found out in January that she had to stay longer, her mom made her get a job in Hong Kong. Once she started working in March, things started to change. Of course, the phone calls and emails weren't as frequent but that's because she was busy. This is her first real office job, outside of her family run hotel/restaurant. I was worried she might meet someone new but that fact was inevitable. I stayed true to her while waiting.

We've done LDR before, but only for a few months at a time. However this is the longest we've been apart. So naturally being so far apart, she started to lose her feelings for me. I suggested that we put our relationship on hold, still be good friends, then when/if she moves back for good we can try to pick up where we left off. She said she was fine with that. I told her i might go to Hong Kong to meet up with some buddies. She told me not to come if she was the only reason. Of course I told her it wasn't the "only" reason, but the main reason.

Current situation:
I'M IN HONG KONG RIGHT NOW! I got here a few days ago ahead of my buddies to spend time with her. We already had a big talk on the first day. Things between us are different. She says that she doesn't love me anymore and we're just friends. She says that she has a crush on another coworker that she barely even talks to, and that she's never had feelings like this before. I wanted to spend this week with her and re-live old times. I told her that I still love her and that I wanna be with her. I've lost 30lbs since i've seen her and she says I look a lot better (Thanks P90X).

So she's been up to my hotel room a few times now. I'm trying to seduce her and get her in bed but I'm getting some resistance. I've kissed her on her arms, legs, neck and cheeks but she would shy away when i try to kiss her on the mouth. I've caressed her back, legs and ass with no resistance though. When we go out, there's lots of kino and physical contact but sometimes she lets go when i hold her hand. I've asked her to stay the night with me but she won't because she says she has work the next day, even though the hotel is a lot closer to work.

I'm only here for five more days. How do I re-kindle the spark between us? I have a big romantic night planned for us on Sunday, but I would like escalate things before then. I don't think I have to worry about DHV, kino and all that stuff, but it has been a year since I've seen her last so do I have to almost start all over again with her? I've tried the romantic settings, kino, physical escalation, but should i do more or less?

Thanks in advance!

TheArtArtist

im going to give you a guide...im actually telling you the same thing what Psychiatrist and psychologist will tell you ( in 1 session only ), with a little bit of my own experience and wisdom. If you really touch your soul and reach inside yourself.. if you really do what i say and express your own individuality and emotions you will get something out of it.... so read patiently and think about it.

grab a pen and paper.. everytime you read a concept you need to ask yourself a question and write it all down.

You need to detach yourself from your parents, because as long you are seeking some kind of approval ( if you want it ot not ) you will keep making descisions based on their judgements.

if you don't like your parents you are going to do the extreme opposite of what they suggest which is destructive. If you want their approval you probably will conform..

You know that they are proud of you , you just never had the experience of them telling it to you - you never experienced those emotions. You only have this rational idea of what the truth is... it's the same as trying to know what love really is - you cannot understand love a fullblown 100 %... 50 % are emotions.

So i think you have some developmental arrest on a emotional level, this does affect your whole relationship with your girlfriend. Like i said you and your girlfriend are probably on the same level, you probably are reinforcing that behaviour towards eachother. Don't get out of your relationship.. get out of your developmental arrest.

Approval doesn't come from others, Approval comes out of you... if you don't accept who you really are you are not going to accept compliments.. probably kindly disregarding them. Sounds this familiar ?

Succes comes at a price .. into chasing a career you can totally grow to be too objective about things. alot of succesfull business people have alot of blindspots in their conciousness... Everything comes at a price, every advantage does have a disadvantage.

They are not going to accept your girlfriend.. never... how does that feel ? Why do you think this is true ?

you know what.. it's your choice.. your girlfriend is your individual choice - it's you. You made the independent choice to have a relationship with her - don't let anyone take it away from you - accept this part of your individuality. You were conforming to your parents just to get some approval...

They will not see...your parents are just projecting their own insecurites on you and your girlfriend. They are not accepting and respecting your descision.. you should be angry about it..

you feel sadness because they don't accept your GF
you are repressing your anger because they don't accept your descision
you don't feel fully accepted because you want their approval
----

so you have these 3 emotions... sadness, anger ( assertive energy ) and resistance. Which one are you going to process ? all of them are energy, darkness which is at the verge of being converted into positive energy.

The emotions are the treasures and your boundaries ( personal psychological mature masculine mindset and values) is your treasure map. All you have to do is to look at what you should and shouldn't accept, what you should express and what you shouldn't express....

you are in stress because you want something you are not controlling ... approval from parents .. acceptance...and trying to make everyone happy - while being tossed forth and back by other peoples opinions.

There is one thing you can do and that is courage... you cannot have courage, you can only do courage. Once you showed courage and you confront that fear you will get confidence... if you are afraid of approaching a woman.. 100 % fear .. if you approach you will get 100% amount of courage and confidence out of it. You cannot run away from your own emotions.. it's impossible.. you have to make a descision about what to do.

Right now i have not seen you making any descision for yourself... you are trying to decide for your parents (caring what they think) trying to make descisions for your girlfriend. you cannot control other people .. you cannot decide for them - you can only decide what is good for them yourself BY making your own descisions. If you trying to control something you cannot control ( like other people, they have free will ) you will burn energy on it and this will cause stress.

Right now you have to make a descision for yourself...on how you feel and what you are going to do with it... past or future isn't important. Whatever happened you come at one point where we need to deal with it.. the question is '' now what ?''.

a descision is what counts ... not the result and how you feel about that result

you need to deal with non-acceptance(resistance)... to deal with anger and sadness... as long you do not accept these emotions by making mature descisions which benefit you - and by that benefits everyone else..if you are happy you can make other happy. In other words by doing something about your stress and emotions - by facing them and taking action you will get courage, confidence out of it and of course you will transform negative emotions.

By accepting yourself you can accept others , you will not going to be much distracted by other peoples opinions anymore. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to accept shit from other people.... if someone is a complete whore who is trying to make you jealous you shouldn't judge her about being a whore... you should simply decide : '' should i let this person in my personal emotional space ?''. do not conform or sacrifice your values , do not change yourself and your values.

Psychological trade is always going on... get high character and high morals.. do not take lose(you) -win ( them) deals .. do not accept lose- lose deals. The goal and psychological trade you are aiming for are win-win deals which benefit everyone and take mankind to a new level. BUT NEVER sacrifice your values and moral compass....
----------------------------------------------

So right now we talked about social conditioning how this prevents you from taking action and making descisions about your stress and emotions. We talked about you not knowing how acceptance and how you have never experienced because your parents never gave you any relevance to this emotions.

I told you about how succes is different than emotional health and psychology.. that every disadvantage is having a advantage....

time, emotional energy and succes ( social succes like in a career ) are all interchangeble currency...you can trade time for succes - studying requires time. If you don't go after external things like a career you have more time. Emotional energy is in between because everything that you invest in yourself will give you courage, confidence and a increase of high character.

If you don't have a career and high succes in a career ( society ) you shouldn't feel less or stupid. you are spending time and emotional energy in improving your psychology and conciousness . You are planting seeds that are waiting to see the sunlight.

so we talked about what you are doing , developing and how it benefits you. Psychology being the prime motivating force of all your discipline and descision making skilsl - you are doing something positive and constructive even tho it doesn't feel that way.

We talked about stress.. how fear and not expressing you emotions causes stress, how a descision will make a end to stress. That stress will cause you to resist yourself because you don't like it , that you never experienced emotional acceptance from your parents.

We talked about how making a descision will end this stress just by generating enough self-acceptance and self-love. If you love yourself you will try to end stress.
---------------------------------
we didn't talked about making the right descision... how do you know if you are making the right descision ?

descision is influenced by your moral and ethics which you develop through life...

Conciousness is compassion.. it's emotional understanding someone else... being concious of your own being and how other people feel. Well being and conciousness and connected..

if you are Too concious you will give alot about what other people think about you and themselfs .. you care too much about them - you are too much connected to everything on a emotional level.

Intuition or experience ...also called '' being street wise'' is the result knowing reality. If you go out doing pickup ( pua) you will approach woman..and you will lean more about reality - how things really are outside your head. The more woman you approach the more experience you will get - experience stand for how things really work in this world outside your head. You have people that do not have conciousness . but alot of intuition.. those are we call bad boys - like some pua. Only they are not concious about their behaviour and that of others - they allow to much which results in poor ethics ( they have no compassion for other people)

Every descision you will make will not only give you courage but it will also give you more conciousness and intuition. If you make a wrong descision you will learn more about yourself , if you make a good desision you will develop more intuition and real life knowledge about everything outside you.

Both of this decides your moral and ethics which are a part of having high character..... every descision you will make fills up on conciousness and intuition. Therefore there is not such thing as a ''wrong descision''. The only wrong descision is being stressed and doing nothing .. this way you are not gettin anything...

living organisms make descisions... plants grow towards light and animals decide to eat and search for food..Dead things like rocks do not make descisions... if you are not making a descision what happens ? you will become more dead - you will get personal regression - a decrease of character and confidence which results in a decrease of emotional health/well being.

stress ---- > making no descision---- > personal regression ( being dead )

Stress---> decsision ----> increase of conciousness and intuition ----> ethics and morals ---> high character.

High character .. someone with a high character and high ethics do not allow second rate behaviour from other people. Someone with high character does not need approval from others because he generates his own well being. He don't need anything external to feel good because he does already have the psychology to make himself feel good ( well being). He does not conform to anyone, he does not need acceptance/ approval from others because he already accepted himself.

Someone with high character learned to live with himself.. mastery of self...nobody does have instant high character- it's a process , a personal journey.

A second problem with descision are others... making descision for yourself is easy because you know what you want, you only have to take action. But deciding towards someone else is more difficult....

Example

im Emotionally healthy .. having high character....then i meet a woman.. i don't know who she is but i allow myself to fall in love with her. in the end she turned to be a huge whore with low character , low ethics and terrible descision making. She burns my energy and she keeps putting me down to get a ego boost out of it

what kind of deal did i made when i got into that relationship ? did that relationship benefit me ? --- no
did it benefit her ? yes

what kind of deal is that ? a lose ( me) -- win ( her) deal... i lose some of my emotional energy to get sex and attention. and she only receives.

if someone tells me to do something but i know he's not going to do anything back for me. if i do what he wants i invest energy without getting anything back...again a lose-win deal

If i help my brother with something he's going to do something back for me... i invest my emotional energy into him and he will teach me mathematics...he will invest some of his time in me... ( time, emotional energy, succes). That is a win-win deal because we give eachother something we do not posess ourselfs.

a deal is also a descision....should i get into a relationship with someone ?

is she is a good woman with high self esteem and ethics .. yes
if she is a drug addicted woman with low self esteem ..no

Your ability to get win-win deals is all about your ability to say no to people.. having assertiveness, intuition - masculine emotional energy.

It's your personal boundary... what do you allow and what do you not allow ?

it's like a wall...the blindspots where people manipulate you are the holes in your wall - you have no control over it. On some places the wall is too thick - you don't allow anything there , not win-win deals or lose-win deals. on some places you will have doors and you know how to open them for win-win deals...

you can open those doors for people who are offering you compassion and sincere win-win deals. open you doors for positive psychological trade....

if you are making alot of descisions , after a while you will get skilled in descision making because you will have alot of intuition and conciousness. you will have a very complex boundary with alot of doors which you can open for people with the right motives to trade values.

succesfull business people do have solid boundaries... they do not accept lose-win deals or lose-lose deals because they do not get any profit out of it - they are experience enough to know what win-win deals are and how to accept them.

your body contains water - you shouldn't lose more water than you receive - choose to invest in positive constructive investments, and allow other to invest positive constructive things in you. Don't allow people with destructive deals like manipulative woman...

------------

what behaviour should or shouldn't you allow from others and yourself ? maybe your parents ?

what shouldn't you accept from your parents and instead what should you express to your parents ?

in short what you are doing is making a descision with the right psychology to get win-win situation..it's beneficial for everyone. Your parents want to accept you but you don't accept yourself ( on a emotional level). That stress what you are having is preventing your parents from accepting you, if you solve it and make a descision about it you will get rid of it.

your parents aren't accepting you right now because you are in stress ( also because you don't accept yourself enough). You should tell them how you really feel so they can understand... it's hard accept someone who you don't understand - and sometimes you don't understand yourself.

it does have little to do with your girlfriend.. your parents probably think your girlfriend is the source of your stress.. because she's in therapy and that kind of shit. But we both know that's not true... your parents do not understand it so they just assume it's her ... they assume she is giving you a lose-win or lose-lose deal ( by having a relationship ).

see your parents do posses some mature psychology but they are immature in communication - they do not open up to ask how you really feel. they are immature on this aspect , they cannot break through your walls....

the role of a parent - what a parent must learn their children is to : make a door at places where you got holes, and make holes where you got walls that are too thick. They just run against your thick walled spots...they cannot deal with it.

so you have to open up and express it... feature your insecurites and how you really feel, That is what therapy is designed to do.

aside from everything ... make decisions.. don't be dead by doing nothing

if you don't know what to decide.. write down and ask yourself some good question on how to get a profitable descision.

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el_rubia

it's important .. is this a habit because it's just a habit - like in : i repeatedly made this action and now it has become a unconcious action which i perform on automatic pilot ?

or is it like :.. im feeling insecure and i need to know what she's doing , is she going out or talking to other guys?

approval seeking can be subtle as fuck you really need to stip away all the crap you have created in your mind during daytime. Observe your ego , just pretend to be someone else that is looking to you - are you doing it because you need attention ? or are you just affectionate ? or are you doing both ?

approval seeking is the most commen inner game issue in men... you cannot eliminate it a fullblown 100% , but you can learn to decrease and getting control over it.

i think you are seeking approval because you are asking me if it's ok to do something you have always done.... you value her too much - you care too much about what she thinks otherwise you would have texted her without thinking about it.

when you inner game change habits change as well....

saying goodnight is no big deal... just do it.. even if she doesn't reply who cares ? maybe she is just bussy, hanging out with friends or studying. you are not investing your emotional energy into something - sending such text message is low risk it takes you like 3 seconds of your time. you can miss 3 freaking seconds...

aside from that... try to be on your purpose.. talk to other woman and keeping improving social skills

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move on .. a relationship should be about sharing fun...it's not about getting lost in mixed signals. invest more into yourself

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KALIBRATION do not ask .. you cannot convince woman with logic. emotions increase her buying temperature ( compliance).

when a woman says no with a reason - they are saying ''not yet''

when the woman says NO .. and she walks away - she's probably rejected you.

kiss close a unfamiliar woman in 5 minutes .. she becomes mad and walks ways... utterly rejecting you.

kiss close a woman on the first date after like 1 or 2 hours... if she's is attracted she will turn away and say something like '' not yet'' or she just leans away and pretends nothing has happened...( if she is conservative lol)

everyone can change their minds, but she is saying ''not yet''. you have nothing to worry about.

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