TheArtArtist
Sexual relationship to boost her self esteem yes.. when it goes too far it means you just have hit some inner game issues or your ego felt threatened... never be afraid of going too far in conversation - Go far.

lol the way you describe her sounds like the old me ( altho i didn't had a boyfriend lol).... did she lost her mom or dad ? or does her relationship with her parents suck ? Talking about your girlfriends history is fine...but i rather want to hear something about you. ah this is great... it means you are on a same level of development.. you have a something in common. Nothing to fear.. it's great.
now she feels like she misses something because you pointed it out , pointing it out isn't bad. The way you said it '' besides me '' to her it sounds like you don't want to hear all of her ''garbage'' . Like you don't want to share everything with her.... it's not like she fully believes this but it does confuse her. To her it feels like you are shoving off responsibility... You made her feel like she is dull or boring.... everytime you tell a person to do something positive you also confront them with the fact that they don't have that ''certain thing''. it really causes stress and negative emotions...you have to balance negative and positive emotions - not focussing on uncertainty too much. Did you know that even you probably did not bring it tactically... you were honest and how she feels is her problem, you generate your own emotions by giving that words a certain context or meaning - your words were positive... she just assigned a wrong context or meaning to those words....
yeah .. never judge you girlfriend .. if you to point out something negative just give her some good emotions before talking about the negative stuff ( improving blablabla) tell her you love her .. give her a back massage. But you don't want to be her psychologist either...Don't judge your girlfriend. yeah you have some insecurity or some holes in your boundaries , you let your mom influence you way too much. Why do you tell her what your mom wants you to say to her ? i see some inner game issue here.
you can do nothing to change her mind.. you already told her you lover her blablabla. The point is you need to get over it because as long you won't get over this whole thing you will adress it on a subconcious level...Don't bring it up unless she wants you to.

you both are probably on the same level so you are both feeling the same thing.

she doesn't feel accepted...like you have pulled responsibility from the relationship, that you want her to be something she isn't.

i think your mom doesn't accept her - and you mom wants to get responsibility over the relationship... your mom wants her to be something else. It's your fault to agree with your mom - to let your mom talk you over like that. It's all coming from your mom.. it's not your mistake or her mistake.... why do you want to please you mother ? do you have the tendancy to please woman ?

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gointothetop

you value your game or lifestyle too much and you don't want to sacrifice it by getting attached to a relationship....Your girlfriend being jealous is her problem... as long you don't cheat it's ok. however you are being way too attached to this power of '' Pickup''... Whatever happens , be honest and have high ethics when it comes to relationships, if you don't your ego will destroy relationships....

What is better .. having the power to get any woman you want ?
or getting a relationship and possibly losing that power ?

i think you need to find balance between both.. Relationships teach you 50 times more inner game than outer game and pickup.

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Hi Lodewijkp, just a few things im interested in your opinion on:

My g/f is abroad studying as part of her degree and we're doing long distance for the time being. Distance wise it is not too bad, only UK-Spain so it is possible to see one another sometimes, we are aiming for monthly visits.

Generally things are ok but im getting quite mixed messages from her. The other night i was out with people she didnt know and she text me throughout the night telling me she missed me and wished we could SPAM etc. She also text me first thing next morning to organise a proper talk. This was great. However, the very next day she seemed totally uninterested and text me only once in the day, only to say she wont be available that night coz shes staying with a friend.
How should i handle this mixed messages? Im trying to be cool and give her space but at the same time sometimes i want more than an abrupt message... is there any way to convey this without losing face?

Basically do you have any tips for LDR's? Should i be more open and honest than i would if it wasnt long distance because, for weeks at a time, we have only got communication, nothing else? or should i try to keep cool and seem less invested?
Also my last gf cheated on me and just generally emotionally fucked me up, have you got any tips to get over this and separating my ex from now and trying to trust my girl?

Thanks, El-Rubia

I dont feel like I'm really an AFC anymore but over the course of the 6 months I've known my girlfriend, i have made a few VERY AFC moves. The first problem, I asked her out a little too early. She just came out of a 1year+ relationship and I asked her out after maybe a few weeks of flirting and what not. She accepted, then broke up with me the same day because she wanted more time, then denied me the next time, then accepted me the third time, and now we have been dating for a few months. Basically, even though it was kinda messed up I handled it okay, of course I was kinda upset but I didnt let anything show really so I still had loads of attraction from this girl. This is where I REALLY messed up. big time. We were both very very drunk, alone, and I busted out crying about our relationship..... I accused her of still having feelings for her ex boyfriend and all kinds of stuff that was beyond AFC. This was like 3 months ago though and I kinda forgot about it, but obviously she didnt. But the thing is, she doesn't want to have sex with me, and I know these are all the reasons why. and to make matters worse, shes not even a virgin. She had sex with her ex boyfriend before me, and we have been dating for 4.5 months and still no sex.... So, what I need to know is this.

1) Have i lost all qualities of being a sexual partner in her eyes? is there any way to have sex with her even though I made a couple bad moves in the past? is it possible for a girl to get over these things or will it always be in the back of her mind, turning her off?

2) She has a couple things that she does to me that she KNOWS turns me on big time. I dont really have any go to moves to turn her on whenever i want. What are a couple things I can do physically that will make her go crazy horny?

3) If I can stop all this needy AFC behavior, in time will she become just as attracted to me as she used to be, and see me as somebody she wants to have sex with? Or have i messed it up so bad that there is no recovery. Basically the worst thing I did is cried in front of her showing all my insecurities. And sometimes I do make a big deal out of little things, but really not that often and I normally patch it up afterwords.

Greetings Lodewijkp, thanks for investing time in helping the guys out here,

Being bored of casual relationships, i decided to try out an LTR that lasted for 3 months, to this day i still suffer emotional issues when i remember what happened, so i would really appreciate your advise on this.


I am 23 years and i met this girl who is also 23 years old in my university, we hit it off pretty well, she was great, she called me first, texted me first (I seriously consider that a big +, i don't like calling too often or txting... was cute in general... a few days after getting to know her i broke my foot, so i had to walk on crutches for 2 months...

Sex at first was not really amazing, but it fired up later to great Sex, was even funny to be able to perform crazy things with a foot in cast.

then later she asked if i want to stay with her, i liked her, so we hit off a relationship...

we had a couple of mini fights, like her being bothered over me being a douche-bag to her with my friends (heavy jokes), and one major where i seriously had to apologize, where later in the relationship i found out that she made the whole problem up. (she was told by one of her friends to be careful from me because i am a "Casanova") but she told me that the dude told her that i am bragging to every of her social circle that i have sex with her daily at my house... i actually confessed that i did and blamed myself for being an idiot (because i was really unsure if my best buddy snitched on me or not ( horrible i know ), until she hugged me later and told me how much she loved me + make up sex.


Now the MEGA problem,

She had this male bestfriend, a musician who's married to a french woman who's in france (he's not in France still)...

She was really close to him, their families knew each other, i had no problems with it whatsoever, i had no reasons to be jealous...

but things started to get really awkward when she called me once and was crying, i asked her what's up, and she replied by " nah it's not a big deal ", and i told her " no really tell me" she said she's mad because she had a fight over the phone with her bestfriend.. i actually laughed at the situation.. considering them both as "girl mates" with their drama.

then she started getting busy, and told me she won't be able to see me the following week because she needs to stay with her bestfriend, because he's leaving to France on Sunday to his wife and she will miss him so much... I was partially ok with that actually.. until in the middle of that week i got really drunk with my buddies, talked to her on phone and got really "woo woo " romantic on her with explaining how awesome she is etc. then being the drunk me i became really, really annoying, with pissing her off until i had to drop the phone..

1 day later i had to apologize for my drunk behavior, because she accused me of sounding really " Gay " that night.

and after that day, things really felt " Cold " in the relationship, i told her to come over and she said "her father is sick" did not really believe her.. anyway, and i got slightly annoyed that we can't see each other, so she apologized many times and promised to " Make it up" for me on on Sunday, when she's free.

Sunday: Weird shit happens.

with Saturday being a totally calm day with almost no phone calls, she dropped her "Best friend" to the airport went to sleep... so i call her on Sunday morning, no pick up... 4 hours later i call again she picks up with a "really pissed off " voice... we talk normal, then i told her that i miss her and i want to see her today as promised..

She got really mad, and told me she does not want to see " any one " for a week, and told me she does not want to get out of her room.. i was like Ugh, it's going to be like that then ? alright.

Now on this day i really got insecure about what's going on, i felt like being " Back up" and the only one needing her in the relationship... so i call her that night, we had a fight and i break up with her, her getting really mad and calling me crazy names... 30 minutes later she calls telling me let's at least be friends not enemies... i told her whatever.

The next day she sends me a message saying "lol, did we really break up yesterday?"

i told her I'll think about it... so later that night i told her to come over and i'll decide then... 1 week later of her being an asshole and flaking... she decides to show up... comes to my house, i make her do coffee, then i sit near her and apologize for being a dick and told her i want her back, she rejected.

i acted unaffected, even went together to a cafe, laughed and had fun, she even thanked me for the awesome evening..

then we fight again on phone, and she says she does not feel anything towards me anymore, she says i am a kid.

then i tried to talk to her when i saw her 1 week later in the university, she was totally cold and disrespectful all those 15 worse minutes of my life.. i just left, and could not take her shit anymore.

in that same day we just had our last "Chat fight" over the whole thing, me calling out on her shit, and her on mine, where she said i am acting weird for thinking like that, and her telling me that her best friend is married and he is family friend bla bla bla...

anyway, 2 months have passed, and until today i feel bothered by all this... i blame myself for losing such a sexy girl, but yet the things that happened are very very damn weird...

what really weirds the fuck out of me now is that we had such GREAT moments in the relationship... there were days were she literally started kissing my hand for 10 minutes explaining how much she loves me and telling that she does not want to leave me ever...

She cooked for me, she made me coffee, she was MADLY in love with me, telling me how much she loves me.. and then BAM, from one day everything is changed, totally cold.. seriously, if i killed her parents that would not cause such cold effect as she did without a strong reason.

+ i am a really crazy and horny guy, so it sucks to be single like this, heh (Yeah yeah i know, i am not being THAT needy, but seriously, who does not love sex?.

And last three things I'd like to mention:
1. She knows this guy since 8 months (before me) and she only hangs out with him mostly.

2. That guy is known to date multiple women, even when married - i found that out later.

3. She told she does not want her best friend to know of our relationship because that would get him VERY jealous, i took that very calmly... shit i am too laid back ain't i ?

Well, sorry for having such a long message, but i just need this out of my chest, because i don't know what went wrong exactly, i really don't... and to this day i am still fighting the emotions of wanting her back, and i can't.

el_rubia
this is your answer..emotionally fuck you up... maybe you still are to a certain degree ?

Avoiding her or not talking to her doesn't work...Wish her succes and luck everytime you talk to her - '' have fun with friends blablabla''

i avoid long distance relationships like the plague... because yes you are not having a normal healthy relationships and yes there are more interesting men on this earth ( for woman ). I cannot deal with the stress or the idea of someone losing interest in the relationship - i rather break up and save myself from the prison of reality and non-stop thought. the chance that i would fall in love with someone else is also high, so im not always aiming on others - it can happen to you as well.

Can you deal with the stress ?
Does the stress affects other important things in your life ?
Can you handle the fact that you aren't having much control over the relationship?

It's long distance ... you cannot change that fact .. only time will. If you wish to stay together it's better to be nice ( also a bit cocky and fun you know ) because the more you argue...

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CrazyWhiteboi Seems your intuition is right .. she probably still loves her boyfriend.. trust your own intellect and calibration. Because you are AFCísh about something doesn't mean you aren't telling the truth.

break up.. dump her .. this relationship is consuming your energy and fucking you up emotionally...if you cannot see yourself breaking up.. or the thought is too much - reply to me again.

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sovetcke

she probably cheated and fucked this guy...
she is just making artificial fights with you...just to get a excuse to dump you and to justify her cheating. Never react on such shit... she is being childish herself.

lol i had exactly the same experience... 100 %...she just tries to justify her behaviour by putting you down. everything she says is garbage.. do not believe it.
no she's not .. she is going to cheat and she feels bad about it.. so she either wants you to give her green light by rejecting her emotions or she wants you to care - she wants you to convince her you are a better Boyfriend.

That ''friend'' of her doesn't know you exist.. he probably doesn't even know she was with you ... she is lying to everyone. People only say things for a reason and the reason is crystalclear...
You are being a bit childish as well .. being obnoxious en rejecting her emotions.. why did you do that ? is there are reason ? where did you learn such behaviour ?

Aside from that she is being a huge whore .. manipulative as well....immature
Let her best friend know you had/have a relationship...after you have done this.. call her up and tell her you know about everything and you want never to see her again...don't obey her fuck that. You deserve to know what is going on.. don't feel bad for contacting the guy, it's her mistake - she isn't being honest. karma will whoop her ass.

do you really want her back ? 4 real ? you are just being confused....

don't worry .. it had happened to me twice - exact the same experience hahaha .. this is a very painfull way to lose a girl especially because you don't know why totally.. confused... this makes you think alot and you will start second guessing yourself, driving yourself crazy - sometimes almost believes the bullshit she is saying.

guys on this forum will think '' how the hell does lode knows she cheated.. bullshit'' well..lol..pinch yourself...reality check... Read your own post again. It's full of red flags....

List of red flags ( in relationship with eachother ).
girls like cheating or hooking up with foreign people .. so discrete .. nobody will finds out. and he is a musician as well ! and married ! Discretion, social status , preselection. Doesn't mean she is going to cheat on you but if she does she will fuck him. lol and she tells you about it ? why does she tells you about it ? think ! by the way how many times did she cried in your presence about problems ? Is it ok for me to cheat ? that is the underlaying context... you should have dumped her at this point...i would tell her to fuckoff and that she should fuck him like she always does because he is more important it seems, and i would delete/block her. With the above 2 red flags you already know she's going to cheat but you don't see it because you are bussy apologizing to her. gay or not here she started searching for reasons to cheat on you...she is making up her own reasons by the way. How convinient lol .. probably calling you from this guys hotel room... i know what you are thinking '' what a whore''. didn't had much sleep lately...too much evidence...i feel all CSI lol she's angry because he left .. he ''probably'' fucked her and left and know she feels used... now she is venting her emotions on youuntill this guy came along...cmon this guy shows up and everything changes...

pff i've had enough of collecting evidence ... she's just a huge whore... if you are angry - you should be !. You should have thrown that coffee in her face, let her make her own goddamn coffee. You may feel stupid about of some inner game issues but that doesn't have anything to do with her or your relationship.

When it comes to your own behaviour .. you are not observing your own ego at all.. you are just passing that role to her giving her almost all the power in the relationship , and you keep fucking apologizing...Stop drinking that much and start thinking about your behaviour before you are to open your mouth. Stop the endless misery of apologizing, start looking where she manipulated throught the holes in your boundary.

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Hey Lodewijkp, i totally know that i was being pathetic.. apologizing was miserable.. i am mad because i allowed so much boundary hole manipulation from her side.
I am slightly confused about this one,

I did not reject it first by actually asking her what's wrong twice, maybe you mean about laughing? i did not literally laugh, but i took their fight with a good heart, and told her it's OK, you're going to be back as friends again, best friends always fight.


if this is still rejecting her emotions, I'd appreciate an example an answer to a similar situation where i would not be rejecting her emotions...

P.S: I somehow have something carved in my head from the material i read on being better with women in general about not "Putting up with their bullshit" as in not listen to her whine all the time... since that's really not fun.
Hah, probably 7 times in 2 months, interesting that you asked, what does that tell ?
I am confused, i can't even think straight when trying to pick girls up, all what is my mind is "is this one better then the previous one? ", it's as if my brain is trying to make it look like a challenge of who's going to get a better partner... yeah, my pride is in a pretty bad shape.
Wow... this hit me right in the scar, i am an idiot for being blind... Jesus what the fuck was i thinking, thank you for pointing that out.
More like mentally demented
I am totally keeping that in mind, this was my first LTR and what a fucking GOLDMINE of knowledge it is, i am thankful for the "experience" part.

But my blood is still boiling of anger at myself man :/...

Where to start with the girl im dating lol. I read all these posts hoping that maybe someone else had a issue simular to mine but was not the case.
Quick summary, we been dating for 3 months now and talked a large amount for 3 months before we started dating. She has told me before that she doesnt like physical stuff (being held, or w/e it seems to vary). It seems that she only wants some physical things(hugs, holding hands, cuddling) when SHE wants it. Now could be me but I have a weird feeling that something happened in her past relationship, but naturally she doesnt talk about it. To answer the question, we have not had sex yet but I have Respectfully tried a few times. She only has LMR and say "I dont want to bc I think you will just leave me after we have sex." Heck she won't even go past a simple kiss and cuddling. And anytime I try to Kino she just sits around like it doesnt even phase her or like its not happening...Could it just be Im not flipping her attraction switches? I would like to think that if I have put up with this much this long that she would see Im not interested in "hump and dump" She is 23 and Im 27 but like I said, she chose to date me. Any ideas or help is so welcomed bc i have been knocking my head against the wall trying to figure out what I have been doing wrong or many its just not me.
I have a feeling this will be a multi part question and answer so for now I will leave it at that and hope you guys can help me bc Ive never ran into these kind of problems with a woman and Ive had many GF and Hook Ups.

Hey Lodewijkp,

I've got one for you

i've been hanging out with a girl since last semester. It's been mostly sex and a few dates. Towards the end of the semester we both had feelings for each other, but over the summer I couldn't visit and we didn't text a whole lot.

This semester just started, and the first day back she called me and we had sex that night. Like a week later I took her home again. The next morning I found out that she was really upset about me not telling her how i felt about her. So when I called her and told her I liked her, she told me that she was all over the place and didnt know what she wanted.

So a couple days later I asked what she meant because I was confused, and she said she wasn't looking for anything right now. However, both nights she asked if i was going out and said she would see me at a bar. Apparently a girl was looking for me at the bar but my friend doesn't know what she looks like but I'm guessing it was her.

I'd like it if I could make this a friends with benifits thing or possibly an actual relationship down the line, but I don't really know how to play it. have I blown it completely?

Here is mine.

I am together with my girlfriend for 4 days. We are both 16, same class. Today we were just making out on a bench after school and then my brain decided to DERP and said this "Do we make out too much?" . She responded "Umm I think we are actually not doing it enough."

The mood went down after this. I feel like I can fuck it up pretty badly if I do something like this again. So my question is: What should I do next? Do I pretend it never happened, do I start talking to her less? Bear in mind that we will certainly see eachover almost daily, so a complete freeze is impossible. Need your advice.

jacksHigh

yeah ... past traumatic experience... OR you did not flip all her attraction switches ... you somehow landed more into the provider area.

you have to escalate to sex, as long she hold it back she will have power over the relationship - you are already guessing and asking. Sex is a normal healthy part of a relationship and there is nothing wrong about it. do romantic stuff and escalate.. if she still refuses do a freeze out..don't speak to her for a week ( maybe it's better if you freeze a little bit longer ).

you don't have to put up with this shit... you expect certain things and if she doesn't answer your needs you should move on. Talking about her past experiences only makes you her psychologist, not her boyfriend...what do you want to be and what do you want her to be ? friends ? cuddle friends ?

aside from all the stuff i wrote
sounds more like a provider relationship and not a love relationship... freeze her out.. make her a expandable part in your life and let her get this message.

so do you really love the girl ? or are you losing interest right now ?

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take the lead ... escalate ... you didn't blow anything...
asked if you go out .. to either:

meet you
or just to know if you are hooking up with other girls

people ask things for a reason... i see enough IOI .. keep on gaming, assume attraction. You clearly like her otherwise you won't mension the ''relationship'' word, go for it.

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Mihaxy

do not freeze out ... just pretend it never happened.. just be chill.
if you talk to her LESS.. or if you talk to her TOO MUCH it will seem like you do care and you pretended it happened.

just be yourself .. assume attraction .. nothing bad happened.. you are still alive.. what can be done can be repeated.

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