Vclosent ...

i think you need to let go ... you are starting to care what others think and you are becoming reactive... this can develop in a nasty neuro-pattern.

you either call her... ( call and talk to some friends before you make the call , be in a relaxed mood) or you don't call her. .. don't stall.

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AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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Edit, - Advice obtained. Let's move forward.. The more I think about it the more questions I keep bringing to light.

Acceptance or move on.

yes.. immature behaviour does have a relationship to having no self control...but everything does have consequences. i had bad trips ... abusing drugs will make you face consequences. experiencing those consequences will make you grow up if you know what i mean. there is no reason to assume she didn't learn from her past.

from a cultural standpoint , i do have alot of experience with psychoactive drugs. some drugs reinforce your ego and some drugs will change the way your brain works or some getting you addicted and totally out of control like meth. What drugs did she use ? how much and how many ?

Having no self control can happen with many things .. you can sport too much , drink too much , washing your hands too much, smoking too much. Alcohol is a hard-drug but it's accepted by culture...

Mushrooms , truffles are drugs of respect...a small dose of mushrooms can make her confront with her own behaviour on a concious level. Drugs aren't the problem , her behaviour is - you shouldn't feel like a hypocrite by telling her to stop using drugs. What you can do is involving her in your perspective, using drugs with her and steering her into a good direction, this way you can observe her behaviour.

do not become her parent...do not focus on the past or future , don't be her psychologist.

Unconciously the brain knows that drugs solves problems by altering conciousness, there is a complex biological part as well. Sometimes it's not always the mind.. sometimes it's the body which makes you do certain things', that's why you need to tell me what she's using. it's hard to give advice if i don't know which type of drugs she's using because biology is a important part as well.

anyway i think you should tell her how you feel about it, that it really does hurt your feelings .. there is a red flag yes .. nobody prefer to date people with a bad past of drug abuse and that shit. you can focus on her past or on who she is right now ?the past doesn't seem relevant to me.

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AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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Lodewijkp, though I'm 19, I'm only now having my first real relationship with this hot girl. Couple of questions I hope you can help me with:

1 - I believe I talk a lot more than her when we're out. I mean, I try to get her opinions and let her talk when she has something to say, but I dunno... after a while she says "so yeah I dunno..." then comes the silence and that's I have to say something to keep the conversation going. I don't think it's very normal... ( on a related note, almost NEVER she texts me first...)

2 - About text messaging: now that I am officially her BF, should I end that last text ( with which I end the conversation) with something special, like "Luv u" or ":*" or "kiss" or whatever?

3 - I've seeing her every two days. On the day I don't see her, at the end of the day I text her something sweet and funny... but I was wondering if this rate is actually a good one, or if should see every day...

And 4 - ( Not a question per se, but still...) Today I'm going to play tennis with a mate. I'm thinking of sending her this text: "Hey (cute nickname I gave to her), if you're around, come by the tennis court to watch your BF kick ( other friend's name) ass!"... I wanna know what does this convey, good or bad stuff?

Cheers

_________________
"What we're doing is so wrong, and what you're wearing is so right (it's so tight!). But I've never felt better, so I'm going out to get her and I don't care what set of wheels I steal to get there."

Portugal

If i read your message i see you are insecure and approval seeking... you shouldn't care what you say to her, wether it's luv you or cya. Do not text too much .. do not drain too much energy from the relationship. Give the girl time to text you , some woman don't feel like texting 'for 3 days or maybe more.

The worst thing you can do is contacting her too much .. it's like being a soldier that is firing his rifle too much and too often - you will run out of ammo and you don't know if every bullet tagged the target. Stop firing that much and stop reloading that much , just focus on the target and be in the moment - one bullet fired correctly is enough. You also can have a good relationship without too much talking or seeing eachother...

Like i said you lead too much.. you take too much energy... woman want you to lead but there is a difference between being dependent/approval seeking and normal balanced leading. The more you invest in something the more attracted you become, that's why we make woman invest during pickup - same in relationships , give the woman time and space to invest in the relationship. If you sent too many messaged to a woman who don't want to message that much she will lose interest.. because she doesn't want to invest all this energy in texting and ignoring you could make her feel alot of guilt.

1. give her time and space to invest into the relationship... if you get a new appartment you need to take time to get creative and decorate your living room. Rushing leads to poor results .. quality/time :versus: quantity/speed. Woman only contact you when they FEEL LIKE contacting you , they make descisions based on emotions in general, if they don't feel like contacting you it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you - woman got issues as well. if she doesn't contact you does that make you contact her more often then you really want ?

2. do not think about what to say .. just say how you feel...fools talk because they think they have say something, smart people only talk because they really have something to say. Silence can be comfortable .. you can communicate with body language - just fix eye contact , less can be more.

3. focus on your inner game .. there are some issues... you will never solve issues 100% - everyone is having these issues , you just need to balance them out.

4. this is your first relationship...don't be hard on yourself... to be good at relationship you have to experience multiple woman and relationships. To be good at something you need to get good at it in general. Everyone i know made mistakes and fucked up their first relationship - it's a universal story everyone is going through.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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Whenever I go out and socialize with other people, I find that I tend to be the one listening and will occasionally chime in and say something important. This isn't always the case, and there will be times where I lead a conversation, and I am also great at making friends, but I have a quick question about this.

When I am with my gf, I still do this and lots of times, I will sit back while everyone talks or discusses something. I may not always have something to say, but I feel as though whenever I say something, people will listen. I am learning about attractive qualities and displaying my inner-alpha-self, and I would like to know if this is something I need to work on. I feel as though this is who I am, but I am wondering if this is something I should work on. Should I always be the one leading/starting a conversation? Is it still alpha/attractive to sit back and listen to other people speak?

I know that may be an obvious question, so I would like any kind of tips/answers that you guys may have on this.

you aren't an active speaker .. you only say because you have something to say. it's confidence because you don't feel like you have to say more. as long it feels ok - as long as it feels like you aren't cutting yourself short it's ok to use a certain style of communication.

in some interactions i lead like crazy... and in some interactions i don't say much only saying something important now and then. At both styles i had the same results.... when approaching unfamiliar people in nightclubs you need to lead to hook and get comfort going, but at the same time i sometimes talk too much not giving other peoplle the chance to speak making them feel intimidated.

If people are listening to you they are probably accepting your style of communication. It all comes down to balance and how you feel with your type of communication. don't conform to other people....

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AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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hi lode. i have problems mate ....

i met this girl about 8 months a go through work, she was still with her ex. they broke up not long after (he broke up with her).

as time went on we became good friends and something was cleary forming. we started seeing each other and until quite recently we'v started becoming quite serious.

the problem is and always has been the ex has never gone out the picture. he's always been in some sort of contact with her. he tells her he still loves her n wants her back etc, random crap, mind games and all the rest of it.

iv always tried to handle it the right way, not show jelousy, act supportive, act alpha about it but im at the end of me tether mate .... she tells me shes told him to back off, that she just wants to be friends with the him, he wont listen cus he has an extreme personality, he'l do something stupid, all that shit.

i personally think yea she has told him to back off BUT in the nicest way possible, iv also said its too soon to be friends with the guy cus of how he feels. shes a clever girl, she even agrees with what iv said!

my questions are: why cant she tell this guy to back off once and for all, why does she feel so strongly in remaining friends with him yet putting up with his shit?? is there some underlining issue im missing?? does she still love him?? so confussed mate. apart from this the relationships really good

nah she is just being polite , she does have a good personality... some girls will scream you to fuckoff after the break-up. I once had a breakup with a girl and i tried to get back to her.. she literally told me she's going to kill me ( just out of the blue ) lol ...i was just being nice !

you are trying to control somebody else .. it doesn't work... your new girlfriend isn't the source of happiness and well being. External things will not make you happy , you need to be happy with yourself and who you are. Once you are threathened with the loss of this external thing or relationship you will fear the loss of happiness or well being.

She dumped the guy for a reason , and she hooked up with you for a reason. I think you have nothing to fear. jealousy or other forms of insecurity is just your problem...she put the dude in the friendship zone , when you get in the friendship zone that means she doesn't love you anymore.

Your mind is throwing sticks and you fetch them as a dog..... instead .. be a lion who is clearly seeing who is throwing stick... you or your ego. The fear of losing relationships are just illusions created by your mind, worrying about stupid shit which causes stress - and that stress consumes energy.

There is no reason to worry.... i can make up 1000 reasons not to worry...

just list down or come up with;
1. reasons to worry about it
2. reasons not to worry about it

write them down or just think about it. i bet you cannot create 1 constructive reason for worrying about it .

all the energy you spent in stress and controlling other people is just a waste of energy and time .. you might as well invest that energy and time in your relationship.

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AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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I have been dating a HB 10 (she's a model) and has guys constantly approaching her and complimenting her on her beauty. I met her on a online dating site, gamed her using pua techniques, got her number, and then called her after a year. We met, I Kiss closed, and now we have been seeing each other for 4 months. It's long distance by a 1.5hr drive so I see her every weekend. We talk on the phone all the time but that doesn't mean anything. She hasn't brought up to be serious; i asked her to be my gf in which she said to give it time; and I already told her I might be falling for her. I made a fake facebook profile of a hot model girl, and started chatting with my target. In the chat, I discovered that she has no feelings for me; has no passion for me; and does not "feel" the chemistry with me. Her reasons is because she describes me as a simple and boring guy. When asked what was it that made be boring, she said "he doesn't go out, just stays at home." When my fake character asks her whether she is looking for a party guy, she says "I just want him to hang out with friends, go out and eat at different places." To my defense, I am thinking, I do more than this braud. I DHV telling her I'm trying this exquisite dish in a great restaurant in the city; I'm going surfing; I travel to different places sporadically etc. I make her laugh and am creative when giving her gifts for special occasions. I thought I knew the game, but apparently, attraction is not a choice and I have failed to attract this girl. She has mentioned that she is giving it 2 more months (I think after her birthday in october) to see if she feels the same or whether she develops feelings. I don't know what to do after knowing all this inside information. I don't exactly want to change myself for her. Do I stop the frequent phone calls we have; exaggerate my social outgoing status; break the nice guy habit? Or is it over and I should just go my separate ways? I really like the girl, and if there is any way to salvage what I have, then I am all ears. I would appreciate all the advice I can get from you. Thanks!

Vp.comp....
nah man .. you want her to fall for you so you tell her you are falling for her.
Lesson 1 . NEVER TELL A GIRL YOU ARE FALLING FOR HER ... lol.. woman always are interpreting in a different way. IF she doesn't love you she feels guilty for not loving you as well.

look even if you are totally in love .. words don't mean shit and you cannot communicate emotions in words on a consistent congruent basis.
Anyway that whole fake facebook thingy sounds freakish and manipulative .. but at least you got your answer right ? You really should punish yourself for taking a manipulative way around ... because you deceived her - to some degree you don't earn to be in a relationship with her just because you lied.

she's not saying you are boring .. you probably just don't do enough things with her .. taking her out doing taking her on creative and original dates. Look she was attracted in the dating and pickup phase but she isn't attracted to how you behave in this relationship. it could be she is totally loving your lifestyle but she isn't attracted.

saying 2 more months is a nice way of saying '' if he isn't being serious in this relationship im gonna break up'' With serious woman don't mean talking about kids.. living together or marriage.... with serious woman mean investing in this relationship to make it work. She is basically giving you 2 months to make it work.

Should you invest ? ..you could .. but i doubt if she will develop any feelings in those 2 months. What does she invest in this relationship ? should you invest more into it than her ? It's a choice you need to make.... what do you get out of it ? Always salvage yourself.. if it isn't worth the effort then put yourself first - Are you mature and confident enough to make the right choice ?

don't choose for this relationship because she looks hot....i cannot decide for you... if a girl isn't attracted to me i break up, because i know it will not work out. You probably are investing alot of energy into trying to convince her of something that doesn't exist. Because you really like her you shouldn't get into a open relationship or fuck-buddy relationship , those will destroy you.

if you have relationship problems in a 4 month relationship, you might as well break-up. Relationship problems is something you see in failed marriages , somebody being jealous isn't a relationship problem... that is a personal problem. IF there is a incongruence regarding emotional communication you are basically having a relationship problem. You are not married to her... you shouldn't have these kind of problems and think how she is already changing the way you act and behave .. because of her you made a fake facebook profile and stalked her .. deceived her just to get some information. Don't worry she isn't honest to you about liking you or not either so some way she is deceiving you as well.

status quo it seems ... do you want to conform your boundaries and values ... do you want to conform your personality and emotional energy because she's just hot looking ? Always work on your inner game and observe your ego... get rid of any manipulative insecure behaviours.

Aside from what i wrote ... some woman are just a bandwagon of misery ... they cannot be satisfied whatsoever.. they always complaint ( like my mom ) .. i call it the carnaval of complaint... those woman only need attention to boost their self esteem - don't fall for those woman and don't fall for my mom .. lol.

create specific pre selection criteria and always try to look if their attraction is sincere or not...don't talk about your job.. house or money in the first 20 minutes of conversation unless she is asking about it ( you don't want to attract golddiggers and provider whores always make woman guess before telling the truth) ... rather share experiences and express your personality. Sometimes woman fall in love with your lifestyle because you talk them into it.. don't do such shit.

Even i fell in love with ''the fact'' of having a girlfriend... not really falling love with girlfriends themselfs.

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AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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That was the best advice given. I thank you for that.

Just an update:

She called me last night and we talked and she said that I should see other people. And I was like why? She said that because I am in love with her, she can't return those feelings and doesn't want me to waste time since I want to be with someone more serious. I asked her "do you like me"? She said "yes". I then told her that my love is a different kind of love where I care about you. I don't have that love where I wake up everyday thinking about you (although I do) and just thinking about you constantly. I told her if she doesn't like me, then tell me honestly and I will not bother her no more. In fact, I told her, I can't do this anymore, and that I really liked her, but if she wasn't happy, then we should go our separate ways. I told her take care and I hung up. She called me the next day (today morning) and I did not answer. Then she called me couple hours later and then I answered. And then she talked normal to me like nothing happened. I just said "look, do you like me or what? I can't do this no more". She said that she likes me.

I think the love thing got her rattled up, but then again, she told my fake profile that she didn't like me and that she has no feelings for me. But then again, talking to a complete stranger that you have never met about your relationship issues can conjure up different stories.

Perhaps you are right about that fact that she is just bottomline miserable. She probably has a case of histrionic personality disorder. I am just doing my own thing now and I let her know that I am going out tonight and that she should not try and call me tonight. Her response "oh, when did you become the party animal?" Clearly, she doesn't know what she wants.

It's just tempting to go back because I spent so much time with her, love the intimacy with her, and yes, she is hot. But should I sacrifice my manhood for that? I think not.

now suddenly you pulled your attention away from her - focussing on something else. And suddenly she wants attention... this is a shit test and attention seeking move. don't answer it....

yes never surrender your manhood to someone.. you have made a nice recovery. Alwasy be on your purpose and do your own thing... im not a party animal either but that doesn't mean i don't like going out.

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AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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Hey Lodewijk. I've read through the whole topic and I must say, that I really learn a lot!

I am 23 years old, also live in the Netherlands, and have a girlfriend of 23. We are 8 months together. We met each other through a therapy group (to which she quit, and I still attend) and both have a form of an anxiety disorder (which we both can cope with pretty well in general lately). She is also my first girlfriend and she had one relationship before this and one just sexual relationship before hooking up with me.

I'm afraid I fucked up a bit today though. Me and my GF were having a good time cooking together and playing with food, etc. Then we both got a beer, sat down and talked for a few hours. During those hours we started off about life in general, how we have developed since we met, how we look at relationships, very general stuff, yet deep.

I don't quite remember how I started to talk about it, but I went too far. But before I tell you what I said to her, I need to give you some background info about my girlfriend.

When she was with her ex (6 years ago), she gave up everything to be with him. She was very desperate and was intensly afraid of loosing him. But she did loose him in the end (way too clingy). She gave up everything to be with him. In the destructive way that she did not go out with her friends anymore, dropped down all of her hobbies so she could be with him, so in the end, when he dumped her, there was nothing left for her. She had no friends anymore and did not have a hobby or a deep inner passion that she could use to get over him. She had a serious depression after that for years. But now she has improved dramatically and life is finally starting to take a better turn for her. She is very individualistic and has turned out to be a strong young woman. She is not clingy to me, she chooses herself above me, which is good.

Then, 8 months ago, I met her through group therapy, there was a click and we hit off. This was all very new and very scary to me, but I pulled through, and now, 8 months later, I learned so fucking much and am happy with her most of the time.

But what I said to her today. I don't know. I'm still a bit confused, but I'll just tell you what I said:

I said that it would beneficial to her to take up a hobby. To do something else beside work, to let her open herself up to her collegeaus and try to find a possible friend within them. Someone else to talk to, besides me.

From there, I said that getting a new hobby would broaden her horizon, and with that, her knowledge and interest within things, she could enjoy life more and would be more intresting to talk to and could get on better with new people (I really shouldn't have said that last part).

Point is, I think I was too honest with sharing her my thoughts. I did not really bring it tactically. To me it felt like we were just having a discussion, but to her it probably made her feel really really bad about herself. Especially because she now finally get's back from all the depression and the ex-boyfriend, and here I come along telling her her existence is minor and that it could be so much better (as a suggestion, or food for thought).

The stupid thing is is that I didn't really realise how much my little argument to her hurt her. I did not even notice how she suddenly stopped smiling, avoided eye contact, and told me in a gentle voice that she should take off and go home. Even then, after I said goodbye, I just thought "well, that was a good discussion", but then she texted me saying that she was a bit disturbed about the things I said and that it isn't really helping her in her mood (aka, she is very sad and distressed).

I tried to call her, but she texted back, saying that she needs to think about the things I said.

I send her this huge text message, that basically explains everything, making sure to get accross that I just thought we where having a discussion and that she should not take it too personal or emotionally. That I did not meant to hurt her. That however she chooses to live her life, that I will stand by her because I love her and want to be with her, that she should make her own decisions and live her own life as she sees fit, but that these thoughts I told her are just that, thoughts. I can only speak out of my own experiences and lessons, how I perceive things. I'm not saying it is the absolute truth. On the contrary. I was telling her how she could better her life, perhaps.

But me saying all that, she probably thinks that I don't like the way she lives her life. That she should change or that I just in general disaprove of her.

As of now, I'm not really sure what I think anymore. What did I mean by telling her all this? Ofcourse she get's upset by these words! How could I be so foolish in bringing this all up to her?

After I told her my arguments, she told me that she is happy the way she is at the moment, that she sees no possible hobby to take up and does not want to. She does not want to open up to her colleageaus at work, so she can keep distance and feel safe. She does that to a lot of people (including my parents). But except for me. To me and to her mother she can open up. To the rest she will pretend to be her fake self, to be boring and predictable, to only show that she cares for work and has nothing else to talk about.

I think I talked to her about this because my mother told me a few days ago that she thinks my girlfriend has not much going on about her. That she is too serious. My mother told me this and I was upset about it. They can't see my GF the same way I see her, and that kinda worries me.

Well, I don't know what else to say right now. To be honest, I feel pretty confused. I am saying all this because I know that you can pick up things out of texts that I haven't noticed yet. I read so in your previous comments to other visitors. If you have any of these hunches, I would really love to hear about it and read your thoughts.

Some things I would like to pick your brain about is:
- Was it wrong of me to "judge" her the way I did?
- In the future, how should I bring up such thoughts I am having without the fear of having to make her very sad?
- Is there something wrong with me? Reading this all back makes me look like a fucking robot without emotion (I do have emotional problems, too much blocking of emotions, which can get in the way, but I really thought I had everything under control here during the discussion and that we were just having a discussion, nothing else, no judgement or critique, just talk. Guess I was wrong?)
- How to best deal with the current situation. For now I will stop texting her or paying attention to her untill she recollects herself and gets over this. I'm pretty sure that she will get over it, this will not destroy our relationship. But it does make her feel bad, and makes me feel very bad aswell (about her reaction to it).

Sorry for the long text, but I just thought that everything has vital information inside of it.

Thanks!

I need some help! I`ve got no relationship issues I basically got my dream girl from the game. Picked her up outside a local club and really hit things off. We`ve been together now just shy of a year and I`m about to enter college but I really miss sarging! and I really want more beautiful women in my life. I think ultimately PU made me feel empowered to live the life I thought I couldn`t and I`m convinced I can get what I want if I commit to getting it. I want to stay with my girl and I don`t want to cheat on her she`s bi but she`s also pretty jealous at times. So first off am I trying to piss up a rope or is this attainable? Can I stay in a healthy LTR and still bring new girls in for both of us to enjoy? If so How?

I will say also off the start I've done some thinking about it already and I think my biggest barrier is Attraction. Ultimately I need to get girls attracted to me without making my gf feel threatened. Simultaneously the girl should be attracted to my gf also or atleast be curious enough to not leave her out of the picture. I donno I feel like this is a big challenge but it's no bigger then the challenge of taking a girl home the night I met her and I did that so come on boys. I know it's possible I just need to figure out how.