| Not bad. Online is a little different, you have to be funny. Here have a go using these:
Johnny Depp:
So Iíve been thinking. Iím getting pretty sick of my job, itís just the same old thing every day. I think Iím going to head on down to Columbia and take a swing at being a renowned drug smuggler, like Johnny Depp in Blow, but it wouldn't be as fun without my Penelope Cruz. You should join me. I mean you really wonít have to do much, maybe a couple lessons of Rosetta Stone but other than that you just sit around by the by the pool all day, drink margaritas, and get oiled up by hot pool boys while I conduct business. So are you down?
She replies then hit her with....
I knew you'd be down. Im planning on snagging a crop duster from my buddy's pot supplier. You'll need to pack light b/c we're probably gonna have to lap it. How big is your backyard?
She replies hit her with....
Fuk it I'll just roll down your street. Be punctual and wear some rollerblades. Im not packing anything. Can't be letting clothes get in the way of my amazing tan and fantastic body.
she replies hit her with...
Also I was thinking bodies like mine were meant to be on top of bodies like yours, but I'm a pretty lazy guy so you're going to have to be on top sometimes.
She replies hit her with...
I guess we could switch it up a bit. For your information, I got the new shake weight attachment for my fleshlight so I've worked my stamina up from 30 seconds. Don't be surprised when you are jet propelled into the ceiling fan by your pus*y juices like Apollo 11. After a couple hours of physical activity like that you will think that your pelvic area was struck by the hammer of Thor. And if I hydrate well enough during the week leading up to it I can Rinse, Wash, Repeat until your cute, little pube landing strip is rubbed off by friction. I'll pick up some 5 Hour Energies from Costco on the way over.
She replies hit her with...
Now we're talking! Let's do this thing cave man style. We can go to my cabin in the woods up north, it has a fridge stocked full of Devastator Double Bocks. I'll throw on my loin cloth and whittle myself a spear, then go out in the woods for a few days and bag a couple elk. Then throw em over my shoulders, maybe crank out a clean set of squats while I'm at it, and trek back to my household where you will be waiting, wearing a traditional cow hide singlet. I will remove my wretched cloth so you can ëmire my glutes while I grill them up. I assume you will barely be able to contain yourself as my natural pheromones and the scent of dirt, sweat, and hard work hit your nostrils, but youíll have to wait until after dinner. To keep up with the Neanderthal theme we will throw all the food on the floor of the cabin and eat with our bear hands. Once your mind finally comprehends the alphaness of what just happened your ancestral female instincts will kick in and I will have to fight to keep you off of me. But I will eventually give in and we will have a multiday sex fest using the leftovers weíd be rolling in and each otherís sweat to fuel it. Does that sound like something more down your ally?
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Seafood dinner:
How many nice seafood dinners would it take to turn you into more than just a sandwich maker in my house for years to come.
How many nice seafood dinners would it take to turn you into a bedroom acrobat in my house for years to come.
She replies hit her with...
I was hoping if we hit it off in our messages I could invite you over for a nice seafood dinner. I would catch lobsters myself, with my bare hands, from the nearest waters that inhabit them, which is the tank at the Red Lobster down the street. I would cook them for you in my kitchen...naked if you desire. Then we would indulge in the lobsters, along with any side dishes you would like, and a few glasses of wine from my cellar. Over dinner we could chit chat a bit, you could discover that I am more than just a gorilla juice head and I could discover that you are a smart, sweet heavenly blessed beauty just putting on a calloused faÁade. If you enjoyed my company then perhaps we could do it again if not then you leave with a stomach full of good food when otherwise on a night like that you would throw one of your Lean Cuisines in the microwave and watch One Tree Hill just hoping one day you could find a man like Julian.
she replies hit her with...
I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have that dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you chat with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.
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Tree Climbing skills and Flexibility:
I didn't see anything in your profile about your tree climbing skills or flexibility. Can you elbaorate on that?
she replies hit her with...
They may sound like odd things to look for in a woman but I believe that they are actually very important traits that could mean life
or death in certain situations. For instance if I was to take you on a chivalry packed date that consisted of hiking in the woods and
a pick nick while enjoying natures beauty and a ground predator, such as a cougar, loomed the horizon I want to have confidence in
your ability to flee to the trees with me. I could immediately flee with peace of mind knowing that I would not have to risk my life
warding off the predator while you escaped. So how would you rate yourself in these departments?
She replies hit her with....
I believe both sides should carry the load equally (no homo). I cannot simply carry you around on my shoulders all the time, well technically I could but I'm trying to prove a point here. You will soon lose the muscle fibraz in your legs, become overwhelmingly fat and lazy, and soon be the hot ticket at the county fair; neither of us want that. Of course there are a few circumstances where I could carry you on my shoulders, for instance: crossing a river to keep you dry, standing up 69, and well that's all I can think of. Are you just going to keep shooting failed attempts of slander at me all night? Or are we going to light the fire under this convos ass and make stuff more exciting?
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Openers:
I came across your profile and was quite enamored by such an articulate and heavenly blessed beauty. I would be kicking myself if I didn't ask, so I was wondering if you would accept an engagement of witty banter between two intellectuals? Of course this "engagement" may start off as purely platonic but my sensual desires will most likely guide our cohesive unity down more erotic, lascivious, and sexual paths that will include but are not limited to passionate make out sessions under the star lit sky, dry humping, fondling each others naughty parts inducing orgasms, and an abundance of new uncharted sexual positions where I assert my pure dominance in establishing a realm of absolute sovereignty in your nether regions.
Is this something you would be interested in pursuing?
So I messaged you just to chat but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you chat with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.
For our first date how bout some dinner? I was thinking we could base jump to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, while we're falling I would whip out a box of camping matches and cook you a can of Progresso Chicken Noodle soup and we could discuss the difference between jam and jelly. If we really hit it off then you can eat it from my mouth when we get to the bottom. But I'll bring a bowl just in case.
I would chop off both of my hands with a salty turkey carver then swim through shark infested waters with Snookie on my back pumping my face into the water for a chance to run the fingers of one of my prosthetic hands through your beautiful hair.
I would let a blind epileptic man shave my entire body with a hunters knife then ride a pool noodle through shark infested waters with Snookie on my back fist pumping my head just to get the chance to purchase your bikini bottoms after they had been donated to Goodwill then bought and worn by a homeless male prostitute for 5 years.
This has never happened before, but I was looking at your profile pictures and you have managed to seduce my clothes off with out even saying a word. I'm almost scared for when you message me back cuz I don't know what will happen
I would hug a cactus then swim thru shark infested salt water to the arctic to do battle with an angry mother polar bear on a 2x2 foot iceberg for the chance to share a spaghetti dinner with you on a webcam over a dial up connection.
Just wanted to say I find you very attractive. If I got to know you, I would invite you over for a romantic dinner and as soon as you arrived, I would pull you close and whisper in your ear "I have a swanson tv dinner in the freezer with your name on it" and then I would proceed to fill a wine glass with welch's grape juice
I would recite the Chinese alphabet backwards with Rosie O'Donnell on my back spitting gravy in my face just to get a chance to make a call to a disconnected phone number with that cell phone after its been dragged thru 4 miles of elephant feces.
Oh my goodness! I just lost all of today's workout gainz from sitting here sweating profusely and looking at your profile pictures. I hope you're happy, you are the sole cause behind the genocide of thousands of my unborn offspring. I think you at least owe me a protein shake or something.
I was almost too embarrassed to say this, but since you only accept longer messages I'll just spit it out. I would suck the dick of your ex-boyfriend just to get a taste of you
I would do battle with a family of wolverines inside of a port-o-potty with my hands tied behind my back and an anal bead flail strapped to my head as my only weapon just to get the chance to split a 5th of vodka with the male nurse that was in the delivery room when you were born.
If she has big boobs... Holy gigantic jugs SPAM! Don't get me wrong a girl with a sense of humour and whit is good too, but I can't motorboat a personality.
I think the next time I go to the sperm bank I'm going to use you profile pictures
You have a striking resemblance to the girl I lost my virginity to. I'm willing to make the same mistake twice, if ya know what im sayin
Your profile pictures have put me in quite a predicament. I'm dripping in sweat, my protein shake has gone from my mouth to my lap, and now I'm sitting hear harder than a diamond in a sandstorm. So while I'm dealing with this situation you should take a look at my profile, heck, even masturbate to my pictures if you want, I don't know what kind of stuff you're into but I think we could put the Circus Ole acrobats to shame on the cabin floor......
I would strap 45lb plates to my ball sack and swim up the Amazon river with Rosie O'Donnell's queef as my air supply to prove my value to you
I would lick gravy from the crevices of Ralphie May's thighs to have a conversation with you over a syphilis ridden cell phone with bad reception
I would belly flop into a pool of AIDS infested needles just to put my name in a hat with 1 million other names for a chance to caress your beautiful legs while wearing gloves.
I would simply walk into Mordor and wage war against all of the orks wielding a dwarf as my only weapon and Smeagol on my back punching me in the eye for a chance to share a candle lit dinner involving a big Zak Snak, fried cheddar bites, me and my precious, which would be you, of course.
Good lord my heavenly blessed beauty who's beauty is divine and everlasting. If there were ever a picture beside the word 'cute' in that heavy @$$ book that Webster published it would be those earrings you're sporting in your profile pic
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If a girl hasn't msg'ed you back in a while:
My favorite smoothed skin exotic beauty hasn't messaged me back in
days I've been masturbating with my own tears.
she replies hit her with....
Tell me about it. this mexican chick I've been talking to on here hasn't messaged me back, idk what the deal is I thought we were really hitting it off. How's life going for you?
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Called out for Copy and paste:
If by copy and paste you mean write from the bottomless pit of love known as my heart where I would cherish you for all eternity and have our souls entangled into one singular being where the mere sight of you would completely drive me into a euphoric coma just for the fact that I found you so absolutely irresistible in every way shape and form as you turned my ups to downs and lefts to blues causing me to lose sense of time and reality.
Then yes, it is a unique take on copy and paste.
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List of stupid fighting holds:
- apache arm bar
- black tiger choke
- bulgarian scissor choke
- croatian crab clasp
- cuban camel kick
- french flying arm bar
- hawaiian hammer fist
- hungarian ark crank
- indian deathlock
- iranian star hop
- japanese crab tie
- kamikaze punch
- lithuanian lobster lock
- peruvian crotch smother
- reverse alligator choke
- russian crab hook
- russian rear leg crank
- saki bomb bitch slap
- samurai sternum strike
- siamese cobra choke
- siberian neck clasp
- somalian scissor kick
- slovakian superman punch
- slovakian neck smush
- thai neck cradle
- turkish arm canoe
- ukranian arm square
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If they want to fight:
I have lived the "Disregard Women, Acquire Aesthetics, Man the Harpoons" lifestyle since I was a sperm. I am nothing short of a champion. I do dick push ups to failure, I have supplement nutrition facts taped to the inside of my stunna shades, I listen to Mens Fitness on audio book on my way to the gym and my workout playlist when I go to sleep at night, I have a statue in a small village in South America, I sleep in the sit up position, I don't feel pain because there is no more weakness left to leave my body, I take so many vitamins my piss is neon excellence, and I read my lifting progress while I shit protein bars.
Shut your kunt mouth because I'm about to fukk you up with some truth. I'm going to use some big words that you may not understand so I would advise you to grab a dictionary. I was nothing but nice to you until you typed up that cliche "link between ape and man" comment. I'm sure your "my sh*t don't stink" attitude makes the beta phaggots at the club drool over you. But I know something that they don't. You poop! just like everyone else. Don't think you're special. I understand that you're a sensitive person who's hurting inside, but let me tell you... I'm a hard working citizen. I will not stand for ignorance and intolerance in our already judgmental society. I'm requesting that you drop the act, and admit to what you really are.
A bitchh. I'm not blaming you for being that way. The blame should be put on the white knights who have catered to your every want your entire life.
Ever since the age of 9, I've been abused. People would make fun of me for my slightly larger than average muscles. I've had enough of it, and I don't appreciate your comments about my personality. I'm simply requesting that you treat me as a human being. Under that rough outer appearance, I bet there is a nice, healthy, aesthetically pleasing, heavenly blessed beauty. But no beauty will ever make up for a woman with a negative spirit.
Im sure you've received more undeserved opportunities than a Native American applying for scholarships. Is there some standard cook book with insults in the margins where all of you POF women get these from? Jesus, I figured since you have at least minimal intelligence you could come up with something better than that. Your father should find better ways to spend his money than on your education; maybe take some tips from Charlie Sheen and start dropping 30 grand on hookers and coke. And please drop the "Im can totally out wit you" act cuz it's a fukking joke, you couldnít tell the difference between Trailer Park and the neighborhood you grew up in. Now if youíd excuse me I have more appreciative and delightful women to spend my time chatting with, good day.
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If she won't give up pics:
I've resolved to only talk to women on OKC using binary until I receive pics from them. Or else it's just too easy, I need to challenge myself.
01001000011011110111011100100000011010010111001100 10000001100001001 00000011100000111001001100101011101000111010001111 00100100000011011
00011000010110010001111001001000000110110001101001 01101011011001010
01000000111100101101111011101010111001001110011011 00101011011000110
01100010000001100100011011110110100101101110011001 11001000000111010
00110111101100100011000010111100100111111
she replies hit her with...
00011000010110010001111001001000000110110001101001 01101011011001010
01000000111100101101111011101010111001001110011011 00101011011000110
01100010000001100100011011110110100101101110011001 11001000000111010
00110111101100100011000010111100100111111
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Phone number close:
I have a system kind of like the NCAA tournament, right now it's the elite 8. Your matched up against the whale I met this weekend. While I don't think you could take her in a physical battle, but your smile gives you a slight advantage. She does have my number though, so I think the only way you stand a chance is giving me yours. And from the looks of my bracket you should be smooth sailing to the championship after this round.
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Moving the conversation along:
Ok enough with this small talk. We're just wasting both our time acting like we are enjoying this. I can't hold it in any longer. I started off by declothing you in my mind, then we proceeded to kissing slowly moving down to each other's private areas. You were getting pretty heated at this point I don't know if you were thinking straight but you told me to hog tie you to the bed and punish you and you also said to grab the army men out of the game closet, needless to say I obliged. This is where it got a little weird. I asked you where you wanted it and you said," Blow in my belly button, trudge through it with the army men and act out the D-day invasion." Now I'm sitting here with my penis in hand curious to what that might be like. So if you're down to put our own spin on this momentous historical event I can swing by Toys"R"Us on the way over. Are we going to pound this thing out or are you going to let my Womb Warriors die another meaningless death at the hands of my fap sock?
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Misc crew
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CHAT
