As silly as this problem may appear to be its very serious and been ongoing issue in my relationship for the past 4-5 months. Basically, my girlfriend, which I love and am being loved in return, has friend that has been really close with for over 4 years. She is very important to her and in a way always controlled her life until i stepped in. First time i met her(friend I mean) we went out for a double date/ night out as i needed "a nod" for this relationship to be accepted. Thought it was a joke but when i spoke to that girl, she said I need to try hard enough to get accepted. Had a fight with her same night, left the club, my girlfriend followed me out which I took as a good sign. Ever since, in the back of my head, I knew this may one day lead to a serious issue which i have to deal with right now. I feel like i am being disrespected by herself and I am not willing to put up with that. Just to add, she insulted me in a way i find very offensive. Ever since we havent spoken to each other and i clearly stated that without an apology, theres no way of working this out. My girlfriend wants me and expects me to at least hang out with her friend and her boyfriend every odd time which i can do as i know im not the bad part of this conflict. Unfortunetely they went away(girlfriend, her friend and another few people) together for over a month. My girlfriend spent most of the time txting me when being abroad which her friend absolutely hated, she tried to make her stop doing that and basically stop contacting me for the time of their holidays. As much as controlling she is she cant accept us being a couple. I thought i knew how to deal with the "i am the shit" type of girls but this is getting a little bit too much at this stage. She tries to make herself look as a victim of this conflict whilst i am being the bad guy. Its tough trying to ignore entire problem as shes such a big part of my girlfriends life. She expects me to apologize her for disliking herself just as well as caving into her ways. Not happening.

What am i supposed to do with this guys? My girlfriend has suffered a serious nervous breakdown cos of being put in between of this conflict trying to keep her friend. Im gonna add that they had a serious fight and my girlfriend stood up for myself. They actually have been fighting every since we started going out bcos i showed my girlfriend how lost in the friends ways she is and how badly influenced she is too. I dont want to use the fact I have her support to win this but i also dont want her to be put through all this shit. I dont mind them two being friend or my girlfriend being friends with any other person she finds valuable but i dont want to be expected to make friends with type of people i dont feel comfortable around. Breaking up is not an option, was thinking about revealing all the issues i have with her to my girlfriend but im afraid she might think im being just as bad as her friend by trying to ruin their connection which is not the case. As much as i dont mind them and want them to be friends Im not letting that bitch ruin what Ive worked so hard for the past year. Any ideas?

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jakslip~

Also, how do I keep people intruding into relationship away from it?

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jakslip~

Are you and this girl having sex yet?

Why would it matter if they're having sex?

That is a tough situation. You can wait it out, but with her friend constantly pushing on her, you're eventually going to lose unless you playing it, too, which isn't good for your girlfriend. Even now, this is hard on your girlfriend. Have you tried taking the friend aside and talking to her? You don't need to agree on everything, but just make sure she knows that your guys' interactions are hurting your girlfriend, and you want to make sure there isn't any problem between you two.

If she doesn't want to comply, then it isn't going to stop. Honestly, at that point, the best thing for both you and your girlfriend is to present the ultimatum. Your girlfriend is going to worry herself sick and you're going to be driven crazy by this, so you need this to stop. Tell her that if it doesn't stop, you can't stick around, because it's harming her and bothering you. You need to do this for her, too. if she really likes you, she'll come to her senses and you guys will have an excellent relationship. If not, then at least you will be out of the situation.

Make sure to leave it on very good terms, and let her know you still like her, but can't stand this hurting her. She may initially say she can't leave her friend, but after a while, realize that you're looking out for her more than her friend is, and she may come back (which if friend is gone, is a fine thing).

But that's just my opinion. I'm not Dr. Phil, so listen to some other people's suggestions on here too.

I had a situation like this myself is why i asked. My best friend and my then boyfriend couldn't stand each other. We all grew up together and there ended up being some bad blood there, long story... but they HATED each other. Their families didn't even speak to each other.

Thing is no matter what you do, your girlfriend is in the middle and it's NOT fair to make her choose if she loves both of you. Just avoid the friend all together and don't talk about it. The main thing you can do to help your chances in this situation is to work on your relationship with your girlfriend. Her friend has been there longer than you so they will obviously have a stronger bond.

It's been scientifically proven women bond during sex with their partner. A certain bonding chemical called oxytocin gets released in a womans brain , especially when she orgasms. I know it may sound crazybut my advice would be, have lots of great sex and be there for her when she needs you. Don't be the one to rock the boat cause that makes YOU the bad guy.

you need to tell your girlfriend that if she wants to choose her friend over you, they the two of them should just date and get it over with.

fuck. that. shit.

i DO NOT play that game.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

no nice way to say this...that other girl is weird for wanting to interfere and control your GF, Your GF is weird for putting up with that and being dominated by her....if it were me id walk.

only thing you can do here is not be weird yourslf. Dont be the token piece of ham in the lesbo sandwich

x 2

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

@TheFreshPrince I agree with what you said there, thats exactly what i did before even reading your reply. Guess honesty was the key and simply showing that friendship is important but only on the right terms. We compromised, she finally got to see and understand my point of view on this situation and we decided to keep her friend away from me and us. I dont mind hanging out on nights out together cos its not kindergarten where u can avoid the person u dislike. As a mature, grown up man, most importantly right in this conflict, I do not worry to encounter that girl and if at the time she has any issues to solve Id be more than happy to sort it out only this time between the two of us.

@misselizabeth You are very right in this situation too. Make up sex made everything so much better but it was not the solution or an ace up my sleeve in this situation.

@Mack 2.0 By saying that i need to tell her to make a choice im already losing the game. Also i dont think relationship should be viewed as game but some elements of pick up art are necessary and so goes for this situation here. Basically what puts me in pole position, that unlike like her friend i do not expect her to pick between the two of us. I have the right mindset here, its her loss if she picked someone like that girl over me. Best friends/partners should never put their best friends/partners is such position where they would have to make such and important decision

@Herne This relationship between those girls is much more deeper than a regular friendship. They both met at the time where they suffered cos of their mothers. My girlfriend was put through serious trauma cos of her mom. She had nobody to look after her at the time. Her friends mom at the very same time died. They were a perfect match for each other with both of them lacking mothers love. At least thats what psychologist said at the time when they met and said its was a perfect friendship for both. Those things bond u for life and as a person that i am i would not want to interfere in between two of them. I appreciate ur opinion and under any other circumstances i would have agreed but its a bit different here. Luckily its all sorted now.

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jakslip~

Hmm... you really are in a fucking mess, my simplest point of view (not advice) would to be to walk away. Some very quick initial considerations.

1) there might be some suppressed sexuality going on here, but honestly I cant make a real informed decision dont know enough to say that she is a carpet muncher.

2) She actually might want to fuck you.

3) She is an abuse victim, she found emotional support with your GF and she has a very weak foundation, people get very very hostile when you threaten their tenuous grip on a stable safe reality this is further enforced because the alternative to them would be a situation akin to the initial abuse.

With that in mind...

Dont listen to us blindly on here take on board whats said and weigh it up with what you know and whats inline with who you are and what you can achieve, There are lots of points I can try make now so bare with me, i'll probably miss a shitload, but Ive got an hour at work to kill with nothing to do and I cant be arsed to listen to my learn french tapes so I can give you something to start with if you want to go down this high risk/reward/energy route, but balance it all and get feedback from others, as everyone has different experience and opinions!

If you care about this girl and see some future, I actually think the best course of action would be creating a termination of this friendship at best or worst neutralising her response to this situation. The reason for this is that the friend is being selfish and wanting to engineer everything your gf does to her needs, this is unhealthy and unfair and is basically damaging your girl in order to fix or stem the flow of her friends issues. You need to be the emotional stop over to set her free, this is a bit of commitment on your part though if you cant do this you need to leave this crippled but functioning setup alone.

If you want to stay involved change your entire attitude with this girl and your reactions to her actions.
Your focal point should be that whatever steps you take or crazy bitch shit storm you weather you are taking steps to resolve this but not only that but doing it as the better person.

Dont react or let anything she does effect you, dont let her see it effecting you or mention it to anyone. You are the adult she is the emotional child, if anything what she says might be mildly amusing to you given the context of how she is behaving, Remember you give her nothing no anger no resentment *no arrogance(*though be careful to not come off as that when watching her jump and squawk).

To help put it into context, women are emotional creatures they will backwards rationalise an emotional response and come out with some crazy fucking shit, you cant fight against it directly, reacting to it initially got you into this situation, honestly I dont know if you have the balls to come out on top. And if this girls is an abuse victim your dealing with it in double strength doses while trying to tread the tightrope of not breaking her (which will negatively effect you with your girl friend).

Towards Your Girlfriend:

You cant win, you cant stop a river from flowing, but you can Dam it or redirect it.
You do this by focusing your GF on her friends actions and let her come to conclusions from what seems off her own back. As far as your concerned the friend is background noise a non entity. Never discuss her or belittle or criticise her to your girlfriend at least not yet.... making this issue the center of your lives is another way for her to influence the result and also control you and your gf. So make the time with your GF all about having fun and being in a great relationship so she associates you with positive emotions and when she is with her friend who is moaning and bitching and being uncomfortable or annoying to be around she starts to associate negativity. Also the views and thoughts go against what SHE knows, ie your an asshole etc, this negativity is just as powerful as the positivity as the both enforce the other - as she is being told negative things about you she recalls her times with you which are fun and happy thereby associating you with positive further and the friend with negative emotions and being wrong.

At some point she will start to question the situation and formulate a view, this is were you can make your move - again dont openly talk about her friend or criticise but focus on your GF and how the relationship negatively effects her and that she deserves to be respected better by friends and not used - reinforce and encourage her to be selfish and not some girls emotional crutch and to move on.. say things like sometimes people outgrow friendships and move on it's natural. Try make it as guilt free as possible for her to move on, without trying to make her as she may resist.

Regarding Her Friend

Like I said earlier dont react to anything just take on board everything you get from her like it's a documentary, dont get baited or let her get a rise out of you. Remember when people disrespect you or insult you it's because they are scared, they have insecurities and need to reaffirm themselves, it's a sign of weakness so never be offended, your are the better person.

But the nitty gritty now, you can spend all your time guessing the reasons for this bullshit and coming to some reasonable conclusions, but it's much easier to actually find out what they are. Again your dealing with an emotional women at boiling point , who love nothing better than to 'tell you how they see it', so man up and prepare for some tongue lashing, deserved or not. Then you have something to work with
just remember to take it all with a pinch of salt and try figure out the reasons from who she is as why she came to these conclusions in the first place. See if you can resolve the issues if you cant then you need to again start steering her instead of fighting head on.

Change the focus from her hatred of you (if there is any) to the happiness of her friend.. 'you might not like me, but your best friend does and your hurting her, bla bla bla, dont you want her to be happy etc etc' let her think about that shit, if it doesnt effect her then or over a period of time to call a shakey truce then you really need to get your GF away from her, she is a total user with no care for her friend what so ever.

Id suggest meeting her somewhere public but discreet, like a booth in a bar. But word of warning on this from personal experience bring someone you know and your girlfriend knows along to watch the situation unfold. Why because women can be emotional.... she may try seduce you then if you respond she will use it against you, if you deny her she will lie and tell your GF that you met up and you tried to anyway. This is a pretty brutal and effective tactic but can be turned on it's head by having a witness she is unaware of observing the 'encunter'. You need to do this simply to find out why and what you are up against.

You sure you dont wanna walk away from this?

I honestly hope its not some sexual tension kind of shit cos I dont find that girl attractive at all and also she has a boyfriend.

One thing I know for sure is that i am not gonna walk away from this. This would put my entire pick up stuff under a doubt and also this relationship would be a time wasted thing. Walking away from any problem does not solve it. I havent played it cool in the beginning as i got carried away and was far too involved into this. Ive changed my mind set and have a plan based on making my girlfriend realize whats better for her and who would she miss and need more in case i walked away.

Another thing is that i asked my girlfriend to find out whats her friends problem with me. Stupid girl couldnt give her the answer. To me it seems to be over, my girlfriend is smart enough and partially now thanks to me strong enough to make up her mind and fight for herself.

I dont want to be the factor of them two "breaking up" as it may just as well lead to hatred. Although, i know its eventually gonna happen as theres a limit to shit a person can take. I appreciate ur advice and time spent on ur reply and it only reassures me that fighting for whats right is the only option. This automatically brings my game up to another level, i suppose.

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jakslip~