Hello to the community of PUA's!

I just want to share that positivity of my experience tonight, plus why I didn't take things further. I just went out for a short excursion for less than an hour and had two beautiful bartenders giving me so much attention (beyond just serving me drinks), as well as the general crowd of people in the two bars that I visited. I was casting out vibes of pure confidence and people were noticing. Thanks to the limited expansion of perspective that I've had from the PUA community (so far) I was also noticing the difference in my interactions. I was feeling (naturally and smoothly) very social! I talked to members of the band, the beautiful bartenders, patrons at the counter, women, men, my fellow pool players. I thought about something I read in "The Game" where Neil mentions something along the lines of people noticing when a Man walks into an establishment with a smile on his face and an outgoing personality and an air of confidence. Tonight I fit that roll to a tee! So many interesting things happened to me in such a short amount of time that it's hard to really summarize it!

Anyways, moving on.. I have a lot of good things going for me in my life right now. Those things have not come about by coincidence or accident. I have made some very deliberate choices and actions over the last year or so, which have led to good results and a lot of personal growth! My accomplishments and the fruits of my labors are really beginning to show and they bring a genuine and attractive smile to my face! I see that the attraction is there by the way people respond to me with genuine interest.

Those things are good, and I see myself on an uphill slope of potentially great outcome, but there are still some things that are holding me back with a grip like a vice... Namely, I've really been hurt by women throughout my life, accused of things I didn't do. What I've experienced is that when a Woman is pissed off at me, or even bored with me, she really goes for my reputation in an all out legal manner. Meaning, accusations of harassment, or sexual misconduct, etc... Thankfully none of these attacks have really gone the distance and caused irreperable damage.. But it really has led to a general mistrust and fear of Women.. Now, I know you all don't know me and I don't expect anyone to just take me for my word, but I've never been one to "misconduct" or "harass".. What I've seen is that women use this as a weapon, and a rather effective one at that.. It has broken me and made me afraid of showing sexual intent for fear that it won't be wanted, accepted, or reciprocated. And in the worst case scenario it would be completely turned against me.. This has led me to being single for the last six years, or possibly more at this point.. I've lost track of time to be honest..

All I know is that I have genuine value and a winning personality, and yet, a severe case of insecurity and fear when it comes to sexually related topics, actions, etc..

I still have tons of fear engaging a Woman with sexual intent... I'm dying of loneliness and dont' feel like I'm living the full, happy life that I should and could be..

That's all I've got to say for now.. Hopefully someone will get something out of this share..

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AFC GWAP turns into PUA PWAG!

Hi,

After reading your post, it seems that the big problem is loneliness. Now, loneliness is not the same problem as "not having a girlfriend". I was lonely some time ago, so I actively expanded my social circle, which was very small at first. Nowadays I have a social network of around 100 people of which I see most very often. It's still not that big, but it's better than before. So my advise to fix your loneliness is to expand your social circle.

How?
1. The easiest way is to meet up with the friends you already now and getting to know their other friends.
2. Another way is to meet new people through work, school, sport or courses.
3. You can also meet completely strange people if you know how to play it well. I tried it before and occasionally played it very well, but I never took it to the next level with strangers. So that's a sticking point that I'm working on.

Now as you are expanding your social circle it's very important that you meet as much people as you can and do not miss opportunities. I used to have much prejudice for some people. I would say "wow, that girl is boring, the only thing she talks about is gossip about singers and moviestars" and then I wouldn't talk to her anymore. Nowadays I still talk to her and try to keep her at a decent friendship level. Why? Because she might have nice girlfriends or friends. So talk to EVERYBODY!

Other example, if I go to a party, I'm not talking to all the people I already know, I try to meet the new people who I don't know yet. Now, if one of your friends comes over and wants to talk to you, it's not like you say "piss off, i'm meeting new people", no, I just say "hey why don't we go check out that group" or I ask him to introduce me to people he knows and I don't.

Now about your fear for sexual engaging a woman. First of all, I don't know the women that you met and I don't know the situations, but if I'm 1on1 with a woman (which doesn't happen that often) I always act like I don't expect nothing and don't want nothing. You know like mystery says "not being a needy person". Or like the part in "the game" where neil is running after a girl like a cat chasing a ribbon. So I would say if you're 1on1 with someone take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. You touch her, she touches you and you're the first one that says "no, we shouldn't be doing this etc.".

Ok last part. My question to you. You are talking about "I have a lot of good things going for me in my life right now." Personally that is my problem, so my question to you is, what is it that you got going on? Maybe you can help me out, cause that's my problem at the moment. I don't have anything going on for myself. :p

Grtz,

ZACK

PS: I'm not a PUA so my advice isn't holy. I just read a lot of things from mystery and style. Furthermore, If I have a problem I just try to look at it from different perspectives and search for information that can get me to a solution.

I'm gonna give you something Zack, I haven't forgotten you. I've just been absorbed in "online sarging"! Having a chat with a girl on OKCupid for the last hour!

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AFC GWAP turns into PUA PWAG!

I can agree with some of the things you've shared here. When it comes to loneliness I agree that I need to be putting myself out there more and continue to build a larger social network. For a number of years I was unable to do this because of the negative mind frame I was in, and my low self view/self esteem.. Now on the other hand when it specifically comes to sexual interactions that's where I completely freeze up.. The thing is, I don't really have any problems talking to people. I can make friends or acquaintances pretty fast and easy for the most part. I "open" strangers all the time.


As an example I'll give the story of how last night went, it was lots of fun!

I walked by the bar where I usually play pool and decided to skip it and not go in.. I was heading to Carls Jr. and passed another bar along the way and they were having live music, so I decided to go in and have a few drinks and listen to the music. I got a seat at the end of the bar, next to the front door, and ordered my drink from one of the two very good looking brunette bartenders that were working. The girl that served me was courteous, but not giving me any special attention or anything.. Within a few minutes of just chilling, drinking, and smiling, some drunk girl came up and stood very close to me at the bar. She spilled her drink in front of me and asked for my napkin from under my glass. I laughed about the mess she made and gave her my napkin and a few more from the edge of the bar. After that I didn't engage her in any way. I just kept listening to the music and she just kept standing there really close to me. It looked like she was waiting for something.. I could tell she was pretty hammered.. I thought about trying to talk to her, but wasn't really feeling it.. All of a sudden some guy came in the front door and walked right up to her and grabbed her by the upper arm and loudly said "IS THAT MY DRINK?!!". He then looked at me and started pulling the girl out the front door while yelling at her and also cussing at me saying "FUCK YOU MAN"!! I had an interesting thought to myself that "This guy just saw me as a genuine threat and was totally acting insecure over it, how funny is that"! I just looked over at one of the bartenders who was looking our way and shrugged my shoulders and laughed, like "whatever, that was interesting"! Then a few minutes later I told the other bartender that "the girl who was drinking the drink that was still sitting on the bar next to me had just been pulled out the door by some angry jealous guy"! She laughed and put the drink to the side. She made some sarcastic comment about how "It's strange how she sees so many drunk people" and I replied saying "Yeah, imagine that, drunks in a bar", which did get a laugh from her! By then I had basically made two seperate, although small, friendly interactions with both bartenders and their attitude changed toward me. Suddenly they were looking my way more frequently, were smiling, and were keeping my drink full! After a while the band finished playing and mentioned that they were playing for tips. I got up and was the first one to ask where the tip jar was and dropped two bucks in their can. I started talking to some of the band members, made a friend with their guitarist and was (on the down low) handed one of their cd's for free! Everyone else who wanted a cd was being charged ten dollars! All this time, every time the front door would open we could hear a woman outside yelling at the top of her lungs.. I poked my head out to see and so did the bartender who I thought had witnessed everything.. So I started talking to that bartender and asked her "you saw that go down didn't you"? And she said she had missed what happened.. So I told her "that girl was standing next to me, I think she wanted me to talk to her but I wasn't into it, and then that angry guy came up and grabbed her like this". At that point I made a gesture that I wanted to demonstrate by actually grabbing the bartenders upper arm. She looked at me for a second and then offered her arm and I took it and was tugging lightly and kind of playfully saying "come on woman, we're getting the fuck out of here"! She laughed and we went back inside. Some guy was sitting at the bar commenting on how the screaming woman outside was saying things to the angry guy like "you're a limp dicked mother fucker and I want to find someone who can pound me hard". I laughed at this and said (loud enough so that the bartenders could hear me) that "the way that guy was so jealous and angry and dragged her out of here, I'm sure that the girl is not lying at all about him being a limp dick"! and then Lol'd. The bartenders lol'd, the other guy at the bar lol'd. After that point, both of those bartenders were giving me some very friendly looks! I got one of their names, but the other one was too busy and I didn't get to talk to her again.. I didn't ask for the number of the one whos name I got though. I wasn't really there trying to pick up anyone.. I just wanted to listen to the live music! I at least made sure to say thank you to both bartenders before leaving, and I noticed that they were also watching for my departure and one last chance at an interaction with me! After that I walked over to the other bar just in time for last call. Some people that I barely knew were on the tables playing pool. I mentioned to one guy that I was hoping to squeeze in one game, but it didn't look like it would happen.. He then told me that he was the next one up and that I could take his place! I ended up playing against this girl that I had met several weeks earlier, and re-introduced myself to her with a light "side-hug" and was lightly rubbing her back with my right hand while talking to her! We then broke the hug and played some pool. I kicked her ass and made some really good shots, but then scratched on the 8! After that we were all getting kicked out of the bar and I just came home feeling very satisfied at all the interesting interactions that I had!



Yeah, this one is tricky.. Some examples of my bad experiences and why I see women as using sexual accusations as a weapon would be, in reverse order (going from most recent experience, to the older ones). I met a girl a couple years ago that worked for the company that we rent our copier from (at my office) and she acted very much like she was into me and exchanged numbers with me right in front of my office manager. When I'd get her on the phone she would talk for a minute and then say she had to deal with something real quick and would ask me to call her back in a little bit. When I would call back she wouldn't answer. The next day she'd call me again and talk for a minute and then do the same thing as before, say there was something she had to take care of and then disappear.. We went through four or five phone calls like this, and on the last one I left a voicemail saying that "we should probably just stop calling each other". The next Monday that I came in to work my boss was telling me that the girls company had called her and warned that if I ever had any contact with her again that they'd be filing sexual harassment charges against me.. That was all from four or five weird phone calls where she was playing a game and we never even talked about sex, sexual things, or inuendos.. All in all we probably only spoke for less than ten minutes in all those calls combined! That girl was the one who would call me and instigate the stupid game. I was bored with her after the second day that she acted that way.. I didn't even plan to call her back and she'd be the one to keep calling me and then disappear..

Outside of that, an older experience is that I was once falsely accused of the nasty R word and had to fight to keep my reputation in good standing. The girl admitted to our mutual peers that she had not only lied about me, but also about two other men that she had slept with.. It was her that became outcast after that.. That wasn't my intention, I only wanted her to admit that she made shit up about me. She did admit it, and then lost any respect that she may have had towards her before..

There are some minor things that happened in the years before this, not as traumatic, but shitty nonetheless..

Going farther back, when I was only a kid, in Fifth grade no less, I was playing tag at recess with friends. We were chasing each other all over the blacktop which was full of kids, and suddenly I was being pulled aside by an angry female teacher who was immediately shaking me, and yelling so much that the veins in her face were bulging! She was screaming at me and accusing me of touching a little girl that was standing behind her.. I tried to tell the teacher that I was playing tag with friends and didn't know what she was talking about, but she only got madder and slapped me across the face and told me "Don't ever lie, you don't EVER touch a girl unless she tells you that you can"!! Many kids had gathered around and were giving me bad looks. I was never able to defend myself and was suspended for a few days. When I came back to school people were treating me differently and some of my friends weren't talking to me anymore.. That all happened right around the same time that I was really starting to notice my interest in girls and had just asked a girl to be my girlfriend for the first time only weeks or a month before.. I was ruined after that.. A little kid whos entire world and concept of Women, sex, and asking girls out was shattered.. My alcoholic parents were to absorbed into their getting high and drunk to realize that any of it happened..

Going back even farther.. My Grandmother was wicked mean, and used to try and hurt my Mom any way that she could.. When I was like 6 years old I remember my Grandma giving me a bath and telling me how bad it was that my Mom chose not to get me circumcized.. She was saying that she didn't understand why my Mom would want to hurt me by setting me up for Women to hate me throughout my life, because "after all, Women don't like men who are not circumcized".. She said a bunch of really mean shit and I didn't know any better..

Now take all that, and read it back from bottom to top and you might see how from a very young age I was being programmed to think that I was shit, that sexual desire was wrong and could land me in major trouble, and that throughout my years (up until only two or three years ago) I have had experiences which seem to validate that programming.. Logically I know that the programming is wrong and I feel that I'm missing a vital component in my life which was stripped away from me as a kid.. I'm missing the wholesome nature and confidence in myself as a mature sexual being, who can enjoy the embrace of another and obtain mutual joy and satisfaction.. I'm missing the spiritual connection that can be found with a Woman.. I'm afraid to show sexual interest for fear that I will say something wrong and have the Woman go apeshit on me with accusations and slander..

This is what I want to work past.. I want to find my wholesome connection and find comfort expressing myself physically and sexually. I am making progress for sure, but am not over it completely. Don't know if I'll ever be able to remove it completely..
Well when I say I've got good things going for me, there are a number of things really.. I quit smoking cigarettes over 7 years ago, which was one of the first major steps I took towards improving my health and self esteem. For another thing I started making better use of my finances. Three years ago I had never had credit before. As of right now I've got an excellent credit rating and a significant amount of credit available to me. I have had a steady part time job for 11 years and worked my way into the office manager position and am now making a really good salary! On the side of that job I've had other part time work as well, and have had other people seeking me out to build websites for them, which includes a site for a local Los Angeles music group. I have never advertised myself in my life, so I think it's amazing that all this employment has been throwing itself in my lap for over ten years now! As of last week I was asked by the President of a huge Non-Profit Organization for me to email my resume to her personal email address as soon as I could! This is potentially a great lead on a job resource! Another thing is that I was just offered is an unbelievable deal on a car. It's a year 2000 Nissan Altima with only 53,700 original miles on the engine! The price for the car(?) a huge whopping $1400! I have a scooter that broke down and wouldn't even start any more. I took the scooter apart on my own, changed/fixed the drive belt, gave it a new battery and spark plug, took the carbeurator apart and cleaned every piece, took the fuel system apart and made sure there were no blockages, installed a new throttle cable. All the pieces I replaced needed it. The drive belt had snapped, as well as the throttle cable! I put everything back together and it started right up and runs solid to this day! I wasn't trained as a mechanic and didn't take shop in High School! I am however naturally good at fixing things and being a handyman sort of guy!

Basically I'm recognizing that I'm driven, motivated, a good organizer and a project/task oriented person. People seek me out because of my personality and work ethics. I've got a lot of "value" to offer, but am still learning how to show it to the Women! My self esteem is 1000% better than it was ten years ago, and for that matter, all through my youth..

Like I said, I think I've got good things going for myself, but when it comes to sex and escalating towards sex, I freeze up and the fears of old are still ruining important aspects of my life..

Last night I did rub that girls back during our hug by the pool table. I also did take the bartenders arm in a playful way. But I wasn't looking for sex, or looking to pick up. I was just playing and having fun. If I had looked at it like I was trying to escalate or be sexual, then I'd mindfuck myself out of the experience..

So, thanks guys for reading the book I just wrote! I hope my answer has provided some insight to my mentality and what's happening in my life!

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AFC GWAP turns into PUA PWAG!

You're lucky that I like reading cause this sure is a lot of text. I'm also glad that you decided to split your text into paragraphs further down the way cause reading that first part hurts my eyes.

Anyway, it seems like you are doing very well. Talking to everybody and so. Nonetheless, I always try to keep in mind that I move things to the next level. Sometimes I'm at a party or in a bar like in your situation and I talk to everybody. But then when I'm back home, I realize that I won't see all these people again. So nowadays I ask for names (facebook), numbers (cell phone) or situations where I'll meet them again.

Next to that, I also ask what their interests are. This way I have a reason to facebook them or text them. For example: I have friends for partying, snowboarding, ... Friends to go to the beach with, friends that like to play soccer, friends to go to the movies, ... etc. So these kind of friends I would call level 2 or something like that.

I also have level 3 friends (damn that sounds so ridiculous it's like a fucking videogame ). Anyway those are the friends I can call for anything, anytime. And what I'm trying to do is getting a girlfriend that is on that level of "best friend - anytime - anywhere - thing" but for now I only have female friends on level 2.

Now as for the sexual fear problem as I said I'm not that experienced, but after reading your story I think the best advice is to just do it. Trial and error. It's like the approach anxiety problem. At first I was also bitching about it and shit, but after that I just said "fuck it let's do it, I got nothing to lose" and the first time I fucked up and was scared and all the other shit but afterwards it sometimes worked out well.

After reading your story I don't seem to notice that you have approach anxiety which is very nice. So if you come to a situation where a girl is showing sexual tension signals, then you have to say to yourself "Let's do it, let's hug her, let's touch her, let's kiss her cause I got nothing to lose."

I understand that it's hard especially with those things from your youth, but hey I used to have situations from my youth which hold me back from approaching women as well and I came over it as well. I know "just do it" sounds like stupid easy advice but hey sometimes life isn't that complicated. And to end with a cheesy quote: "you will always miss every shot you didn't take".

So conclusion is: get female friends to level 3 if you want a girlfriend and go fro the sexual part! (If you don't want a girlfriend you can go for the sexual part from level 1 right away, like the hugging at the pooltable as you were saying, but I never had that turning into sex right away ^^)

Greets,

ZACK

PS: Pooling the 8-ball sucks big time. It happens to me every fucking round.