People of this world. When I read that sentence I am consumed by mixed emotions, and personal conflictions. I understand them, this game called society and status they play…that I play. I do not like it. I hate it. I play status, because if I don’t, I fear the truth that I would be eaten alive by my peers. People would see me as weak, weird.. .an outsider, two thirds of which are true. Naturally I don’t fit in, but I play as I do, and they believe it.
I hate this game, because I see why people do the actions and say the things they do to benefit themselves, with the understanding or lacking of, the reaction of pain they will be enforcing physically or most definitely emotionally onto another being.
Most times when I am in a group of people, I have to try hard to fit in, and be on top of my game to be the preferred individual in a group. People like me, or rather the me that misrepresents myself against who I really am. Sometimes I find myself wondering if there really is a distinctive base personality left covered beneath the layers of fabricated personality traits . Perhaps most likely the undeveloped master of his own projected morphing personalities, is at best, the main entity inside me. Truly unsure of himself, yet exuded as his defining characteristic.
Does the chaos of uncertainty ever die? This is the answer I seek for, and have yet to find, or may never.
Sometimes when I think of male society an image forms inside my head. We are all standing in a plaza, bullshitting and blowjobbing the fuck out of eachother. Nothing ever gets accomplished besides either gratification and desire.

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Nothing ventured, Nothing Gained.

This is poetic I love it! Well written.

Though I know it will not last long, I feel good about myself. Not in the way that I usually do, but in the way a normal human would. I have been playing this new role for only a short time now, blending in with these new people, being accepted. I notice some of them question how I manage be accepted so quickly, almost as if I have been here for months, rather than weeks. If only they knew I could read most of the cards in their hands. Maybe then they would understand..
When I play an identity long enough, I become that person. I almost forget that I am different, but never truly. This is when I feel most human. I become influenced by my social surroundings and once I gain control, I become the influencer of the socials. I pretend I have high value and high social status, and when people begin to believe, it begins to become true. The Idea of articulating this masterpiece is so beautiful to me.
There was a time when I wanted to help people with their social issues. Until I met Blake. He was similar to me, yet very different. I shared with him, my knowledge, my past. He shared with me, nothing, for he had nothing to share. He is now someone confident, and very entertaining to our peers. I see him at the least, equal to me in every social encounter either of us is faced with. Sometimes he’s better. I cannot help but feel strong jealousy towards him. I am used to being on top, the most desired, if time permits.
I refuse to play his character. It’s not that I don’t like his characteristics, we are actually very similar. It is the fact that I cannot be better than him if I copy him, I will only be equal, and that is not good enough.
As one of my greatest rivals, he shall never know.

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Nothing ventured, Nothing Gained.

I know exactly what you mean I have helped people over time only for them to TEMPORARILY overtake me and this is good that this happens - it pushes you to recreate yourself and start the process all over again, which I like for a change. Sure it's good being at the top but if you were always there life would be boring. The chase is just as good as the catch in this particular context. Once you get to the top, it doesn't last forever and the sooner anyone else reading this realises that - the better.

Wow. I can't believe I ever realized that. It does push me to be better..Wow, I feel like slapping myself right now lmao. My reality was that I may have screwed myself a little, because I made this person who he is today, and he took an unexpected extra few steps by himself, making him a rather strong individual, but on the other hand, I have been racking my mind trying to tweak myself to become a more capable individual, because of him, but really because of me. Its like I'm competing against myself right now.
Though for the record, I hang with this guy every weekend. He really is a fun individual.
Thanks for reading, and pointing that out. You seem like a cool guy.
Its interesting how realities can change and tweak so readily if you allow it to.

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Nothing ventured, Nothing Gained.