So here is a background of this whole situation:

I started reading on PUA about 3 years ago and somewhat developed better social skills; i used to be very shy in highschool, so it wasnt easy. I started dating this girl last year and she is now my gf. It has been 7 months today actually....

I started noticing getting angry at certain things she does and it took me some time to realize and now im certain in it i am jealous and possisive of her. I completely understand this comes from a lack of self esteem and am trying to control it as much as I can. I am however not one of those guys that will restrain her from going on as i wouldnt want that done to myself, but sometimes i find myself feeling in a way that i just want to say fuck it and break up. I dont want to make a spontenous descision as the past 7 months have been great and we both absolutely love each other...

Anyhow leave comments if you had similar experience or any advice at all... And i know this is my one itis/first girl, but it just seems right so whatever...

I hate feeling this way

I don't see any positive response coming to this.

She's your first so you're throwing all of your emotional baggage in her face. You need to grow up.

I understand your inexperience is a hinderance but it will only be more painful if you continue for another year until she finds somebody who points out what she is missing.

_________________

I'm a winner - I am going to win.

Or you just can appreciate that you have someone now and enjoy it.

It's always good to realize if you're jealous for no reason. It's an inner game issue and it's good you've noticed this about yourself and you can start addressing it. That being said, if your girlfriend is crossing some of your boundaries with her behavior, then it's time to really break up. I understand you don't want to be controlling, because you wouldn't want anybody do the same thing to you, that's great. But if she repeatedly behaves in a way so that you have a reason to be jealous and possessive, then it might be time to move on. Staying in such a relationship will only ruin your self esteem. Do you have a reason to be jealous? Does she disrespect you? Maybe you can describe your situation better if you want a neutral opinion on her behavior.

Alright here is some more information...

He has had two boyfriends before me, both of which ended up cheating on her and completely disrespected her. From what she tells me i am the best boyfriend anyone could have; and just to clarify i dont treat her that nicely... I am an asshole at times, but i have manners, so she doesnt get into any of my boundaries.

She totaly understands the fact that i would react in such ways and ends up appologizing to me even if i was completely wrong which is totally surprising to me.

As far as reasons to be jealous i really dont have any i just feel this way if she hangs out with a guy friend or whatever. Trust me i know that she is completely into me, but it is just this feeling i cant seem to get over. I know it is an inner game issue and am looking for suggestions to work on it. As far as the relationship goes i am happy, but like i said experience this feeling sometimes which is bugging me.

Simply moving on would not be a solution in my opinion as nothing really would be solved and it will just come back in the next relationship, so why ruin something good i have with this girl?

Thanks for the comments and hope this post provides more detail on the situation im in.

I think you need to relax and trust her more.
Jealousy usually stems from your own insecurities, so address those first, like your social skills, self body image or whatever. There are lots of programs that can help you with that, just work on yourself so you feel good about yourself. This is an ongoing process for me, even though I feel great about who I am, it is always good to work on yourself.
When jealousy hits you, think of all the ways this girl makes you feel good and remember how much she's into you or loves you and that she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your relationship. Just let those memories of good times with her reassure you and realize you have nothing to worry about. Just trust her. Also, keep busy with stuff you really like to do when you're not together, especially when she's out with her male friends. Don't just sit there thinking about what she's doing. It will eventually make you doubt her if you run all possible bad scenarios in your head. Just say to yourself: I't so good to have a great girlfriend like her. She gives me space for my hobbies and I like the way I can trust her.. Or something like that, you get the point.
Whatever you do, don't let your jealousy show, really don't. Jealousy kills attraction.
It really sounds from what you wrote you have nothing to worry about. So relax and enjoy your relationship. Good luck!

What is jealousy?

Jealousy stems from your mind creating its own scenarios in which you are made to be a fool, regardless of any knowledge or pattern to indicate its likelihood. It is, quite literally, your mind inventing problems for you to solve, most often where there are none to begin with.

What is the solution to jealousy?

Realize that these thoughts have no basis in reality, and therefore can be ignored with no consequences. It is easier said than done, but can be learned.



You want to know what I thought when you mentioned that your girlfriend has male friends that she hangs out with? I thought, "Wow, she must be cool."

_________________
- Lux et Veritas -

I know this topic isn't about me, but damn, you just made my personal situation so much better.

If you don't mind, I'd like to quickly summarize a recent situation I came across. Don't worry, I won't rape you with a giant essay.

I've been dating a girl for about 2 months now. We are typically in contact almost every day since we go to the same university and have the same classes (which is how we met). When we aren't in school, she's either sleeping over at my house, we're going out somewhere together, or we're at the very least maintaining a slight amount of contact via texting every 5-6 hours.

Today is the final day of a short break from school (we had Friday and today off). Saturday, I sent her a text in the morning and didn't get a reply. No big deal. 3-4 hours later I sent her another and asked if everyone is alright, still no reply. 3-4 hours later I gave her a call and discovered her phone was off. Now I'm kind of worried at this point because she has some serious real life issues at the moment, including a stalker that is twice her age and the fact that both of her parents have some huge health problems. So obviously I thought something had to be wrong and was worried sick.

So literally 12-13 hours after I sent her the text in the morning, she calls me and sounded happier than a runaway slave. I asked where she was all day and she said "I went on a day-long hike with my guy friends! I turned off my phone because my battery was dying". Really? Are you fucking serious?

I don't care so much that they are guys. I'm pissed that she didn't bother to let me know what was going on and, in turn, I was worried something happened to her. Is this something I should just overlook or should she be confronted about this?

Talk to her about it. Not just a "hey dont hang out with that guy, im jealous / ok" talk, but an indepth talk. Together, work out why you're jealous and how the problem can be solved. Opening up and discussing issues will build trust and reassurance

This topic has actually helped me alot to. I'm new to this relationship thing and I find getting jealous over nothing really and I don't want to show it to her. She doesn't really give me a spesific reason to be mad it just happens randomly when I see her talking to another guy.
I just need a way to control myself.

Controlling yourself is difficult to do. Nearly impossible. Sometimes guys will say, "I feel jealous, but I'm not letting it show." No. The reality is you are letting it show, because the whole time you are feeling jealous you are not enjoying yourself, and not being the best, most entertaining, having-fun-because-I-love-my-life kind of guy you can be.

What you need to do is learn to not be jealous, instead of trying to control yourself. Then you can freely act naturally, instead of trying to force yourself to "not care." You'll have more fun, she will too, and guess who she'll be going home with (happily, I might add)?

Let me know if you want to hear more about this idea, because I don't want to hijack this thread. PM me.

_________________
- Lux et Veritas -

I would agree that too much Jealousy is a major turn off for most people. Its worst to be controlling, cause in this stage of a relationship the reaction to an order is to think of reasons not to do it. Ive done it before and its messed things up for me even when I thought it was a sure thing.

Its best to make her feel sexy and special in subtle ways and make her work for you. She can go hiking with her guys mates if she wants, but when she goes hiking with you it will be on a whole different level and end with great sex but make her work for it.

Jealousy is a real tough one. It's a very common, very natural emotion to feel. However, trying to mask it by pretending you're not jealous doesn't really work in the long term, because you'll continue to hold on to that resentment and it can cause problems later.

The best solution is to stop jealousy from occurring at its root cause - the combination of

i. An imbalance in emotional investment
ii. Fear of loss
iii. Insecurity

i. The imbalance is when you put more stock in the relationship than she does. If you find yourself always calling/texing first, always sorting out the plans, having her often be late or flake, and you always being the one complimenting her or giving her the most attention, then you need to reset this. You have to remain a challenge, and get her working for your attention and affection as much as, if not more than, you work for hers.

ii. Fear of loss comes essentially from a lack of proper abundance. If you think she's the greatest thing in the world and no girl will ever be as good as her, then unless you've fucked 10,000 women, you're probably deluding yourself. If you fill your life with female friends and other women, then you are unlikely to feel threatened or jealous if the girl you're out with gets hit on by another guy. Why? If she's such a bitch that she'd actually ditch you to go off with him, then fuck her, you can start texing right away and have a date lined up for tomorrow, and go out and immediately get yourself another girl that night! If she talks politely to the guy and then brushes him off, then well done, you haven't gone over and been a controlling, jealous dickhead, showing you're calm, non-reactive, and trusting enough to let her hang out with other guys. If she breaks that trust, that's another matter, but being relaxed and assuming trust is better than going around being reactive and assuming she'll cheat on you at every turn like a paranoid idiot.

iii. Insecurity usually has to do with the idea that you want to keep her from possibly meeting someone "better" than you and trading up. The fact is, she is going to meet other guys whilst she's with you, whether through social situations or on the bus or whatever. You can't chain her up and prevent her from meeting anyone else - that would be awful and controlling. So better to be the best person you can be when you're with her, make every experience fun and exciting for the two of you. Believe that she's with you for many reasons, and that she does like you for who you are. Have enough belief in yourself, and in her, that she's not going to just fuck off if she happens to meet a guy who might have, I dunno, a bit more money or a nicer nose than you - because she'll NEVER find a guy with the same personality as you, who does and says things in exactly the way you do. And THAT'S what she's attracted to right now.

_________________
SEX Technique Material http://bit.ly/iFdky0

FREE PDF w Openers, Date ideas and Videos on Direct: http://www.sashapua.com

^^^ I don't think there's anything to add. It's the gist of it.

That's a great overview, Ryan, but I disagree that jealousy has roots in an imbalance of emotional investment. I've seen guys act like total dicks to their girlfriends, not investing anything at all except perhaps negative energy... yet when the girl responds to another guy in any way, the boyfriend goes crazy with jealous rage.

What I can say is that an imbalance in the quantity or quality of emotional investment can lead insecure girls to act in ways intended to make their boyfriends jealous. But then you have a case of two insecure people trying to date each other, which is usually a nightmare. A whole new can of worms.

I'm just trying to simplify things, as the two are not mutually exclusive (IMHO). In any case, there is definitely a common theme here: instead of controlling or covering up your jealousy, work on its root causes and eliminate it. You don't want to ACT like a great guy if you can just BE the great guy.

_________________
- Lux et Veritas -