Today went on a walk for two hours since I can't lift today. It felt great to get out of the house and talk to people. I will make a conscious effort to get out of the house from now on. I didn't realize that coffee shops were only a 40 minute walk from my house . There I can meet people, mingle, and practice a bit. However, besides all this I wanted to clarify just exactly what I was talking about last night.

Last night as you all can remember, I saw the movie unstoppable. GREAT! Movie by the way if you haven't seen it. Anyways there was a part that gave me a slight epiphany and made me make some changes in my life. It made me realize I give up too easily, but how is the question?

Well, in the realm particularly important to this forum; I often give up when everything doesn't seem right or going smoothly with women. I often feel defeated or like I've lost, once that feeling comes over me, I abruptly stop the interaction in a mix of hurt and shame. If I do continue to talk to a woman, I will often not touch her, or get close to her. I allow failure to affect my entire emotional state. The way I interact with people will drastically change, and my mood goes from good to bad. This is reflective of many of my behaviors around women. For example, if I witness a woman getting close to another man or it seems as though he has won her heart before I have, then I get jealous, upset, and wish to talk to no one. This happens time and time again, and stems more from jealousy then it does from laziness.

However, there are several other sorts of situations where women will give me a bit of resistance and I'll just quit. It's what I've been doing for quite some time. I see resistance as something bad, as me failing to win over her heart. I won't be persistent, follow through, and try to weather through resistance. Often I associate resistance with defeat, and compliance with success. As most men do I presume.

So when I say I give up too easily, I am often not persistent, I get hurt and or frail too easily, and I often evade other persons and or the target in question. It is because of this that my progress has fundamentally hindered.

Another example would be how I encountered some resistance from an older lady online, and without making a sort of rhetorical comeback, I simply sat and took her disdain for my youth and inexperience. I simply said, "oh, no PROBLEM! Have a nice day ." And I rely did use a smiley, which is quite unfortunate. It means I approve of her treating me bad and not up to par. It is behavior, and mindsets like these that prohibit me from success.

So when Denzel Washington said, "you give up too easily." I took it to heart, and related it to my own life and personal situations. I recognize that even beyond the realm of women, I am afraid of resistance, change, and often shy away from challenge. Another thing is my spirit of laziness that prohibits my persistence. I've recently had to come to terms that life will NEVER be comfortable for me, and that at no point in my life will there be a period of rest and absolute pleasure, besides of course in death . It is because of this cynical calculation that I have come to understand that if I want to achieve things in my life that I must be uncomfortable and stay in the realm of discomfort to grow.

Ladies believe it or not, you can cause men GREAT discomfort. For that reason, and that reason only many men fail. Because from birth and early life we ingratiate that success is the path with least resistance. Few men are bold enough to realize the reality of this situation. Even fewer do things to actually change their circumstances. It is because of this situation that many people enter into PUA and few make it out success. I am not exception to this rule, I have used PUA for nearly 8 months now, and I have yet to get a kiss, and this is inexplicably related to my fear of hard work, resistance, and change. Most men fear it, and I am not exception to this rule.

In order to achieve results, I will do something far beyond my comfort zone. And that is to be positive, say positive things about me, and hope for the best outcome in all of life's situations. The truth is that some men think too damn much to stop thinking. I can not stop this flow of thoughts. I can only change its process. So in this I give you all a farewell, a piece of wisdom and knowledge which I got from an awesome suspense flick. I hope other guys in this forum going through a similar situation are inspired by this. In order to truly change, one must be persistent and positive. Furthermore, you must weather through resistance and change. YOU can choose to be positive and stay the path, even when no results are present. Will I follow my own words of wisdom this time? I intend to. The road of life will get much bumpier before the streets get paved, and I leave you all with these words...

In response to the revelations I've had last night, I made a self-improvement ritual I will follow. This will help me receive the success and goals I dream of. I've realize that if I want a good life, there is never a point in my life where I can be lazy and do nothing. Life must be full of work in order to have a good life. It will be hard, and I must adjust my entire perception of what a really good life is. A good life is not the path of least resistance, but the path of must triumph and growth. In simple words, this is no longer a short term activity, but a "life style." A life style full of health and work. Based on these principles I have established the morning ritual. The ritual will occur and be as follows:

1.) Five minutes of meditation

2.) One discipline exercise

3.) My Pep Talk, in this pep talk I will say the following:
A.) That I love my self unconditionally.
B.) I am only human, I make mistakes, and I am a good person.
C.) That I am beautiful and I'm a handsome young man.
D.) People aren't out to get me or disrespect me. People accept me for who I am.
E.) That I must be patient and wait because good things take time to happen in life.
F.) I can achieve anything I put my mind to.
G.) I love my family and accept who they are as people.
H.) I won't let negativity and skeptics to get me down or stop doing what I need to do. I will be positive and celebrate the goodness in my life.
I.) I will live to appreciate all that I have. I have all that I need in life, and I am good with what I have. I understand I can't have every thing that I want.

4.) Daily I will tell my self the things I have accomplished, preferably in the past day or two. This way I can see my results and actually be content with what I have done.

5.) I will say 5 positive things about my self every day. These will be focused more on attributes I already have and say that I have.

6.) Say 5 positive things that I already have in my life and that make me happy every day. (For each of these positive sayings I will put a list on my wall to keep track of it and see it grow).

7.) I will say the 5 things I want in my life and positively speak towards those objectives.
A.) Close friends, some associates, and a great social network. (Good social health).
B.) Women
C.) Spiritual inner peace and emotional solitude
D.) Self-Discipline, Willpower/ self-control, persistance, and patience.
E.) I want to attend the University of Chicago, Northwestern University, or any other premier school in the country.

8.) I will say 5 positive things about those closest to me or are around me on a day to day basis. Even if I hold a grudge against them.

9.) Give them 2 compliments a day

10.) Daily Journal Analysis and Self-Assessment Process or Journal Analysis Process (JAP). I will do the following
A.) Analyze the day and the situations in it.
B.) Say things that I can improve or work on with out being negative. I will actively detach my self from the result of failure, and correct what I can do right.
C.) Say what I think I did right in the situations.
D.) later reassess my statements and see if I can add any wisdom to it.

As you all can see, this is a LONG process and requires a LOT of work! I know this will not be easy, and instead of viewing this change as something temporary I will view it as an indefinite life style change. It seems to help me cope with the reality of the situation MUCH better. I realize that I am lazy, but I will soon change, and I know these things. Because my mind will slowly support what I am doing. The truth is, the mind provides resistance towards any endeavor we attempt to achieve. The mind provides resistance to us, however, over time, if we can whether such resistance, then we can truly alleviate the mind of its duties. Because of this I will not start tomorrow, but I will start this process tonight, and make an actually conscious effort to remember it. Because of this I will write reminders on my wall, and practice this concept as soon as possible instead of waiting. I will keep this process as simple and minimal as possible. I don't need an excuse to stop the process, give up or quit. I know I will be strong if I follow through.

As a follow up in a statement I made on Illogic's thread, I will take one of his ideas I think is most relevant to my self, and integrate it into my day. However, I will decide lather whether or not, I'll do it daily. I will conduct free writing exercises maybe two or three times a week. I think this will help me stay sharp and keep up my conversation skills. I forgot that long ago I read a conversationalist thread on this forum, which is a great post if you haven't read it btw. It was recommended that guys use free writing as a means to improve conversation skills, and think in the here and now. I like Illogic may post my free writing in this forum, or I will simply recycle an old school journal and write "Free Writing" on the title page. Most likely I will write in an old journal. But an idea was just sparked from that, I will most likely write poetry about something happening in my life. In fact I think I'll make a follow up post that’s a poem. It will be relevant to all situations.

Anyway, thanks for allowing me to rant, you all have a good day .

I title this Poem "Forbidden Love" I hope you all enjoy. May this give you all some depth into my heart.

-A night as cold and dreary as any other night. More rememberable then that last at least.
-So many women, surrounded by so many options. At least that’s what I perceive.
-Plagued with the faint memories of success, I am constantly reminded of the fallen world around me.
-My heart broken into unfixable fragments. Shattered into a million pieces...
-I stare at the moon; ask my purpose, No I DEMAND that the heavens tell me why the void exists in my heart.
-Tears carve channels on the surface of my face as I am left to ponder reality.
-Is this lonesome voyage forever, or is this just another fortnight?
-I ask my self over and over again, trying to understand it all.
-I keep saying positive things, and sometimes my heart is fooled.
-Other times the weight truth holds me near.
-I lust, linger, and sometimes even savagely await the day that another person's flesh will caress mine.
-As I have waited forever, for what seems to be forbidden love...

Sincerely,

Gaius

Yeah I don't think I'm doing anymore poems haha. The SPAM was way TOO negative in the poem. I am trying to say positive things. It would be quite counterproductive to have poems like these. However, I try from time to time. I think I'll give a sample of one I wrote last night.

I don't like sculpting, but it seems as though god left his chisel with your body. Lips soft to a feminine touch, I reach out to kiss what is tenderly forbidden. "No!" you reply. "You are much too young, this wrong...” I star deeply into those eyes, with lust that can pierce through sapphire. I kiss those lips, so tender, so experienced, and so ready to be loved... As the moonlight gently caresses your body, and the angels sing of the heavenly joy we have received. I smile and know that the night was well spent.

Love,

--Erik

I am unashamed to say that I used this online to try to pick up an older woman. I've been trying a lot of cheap tricks. Haha, I was glad when I ran into the online dating advice. I think I went overboard with this one .

I'm pretty impressed with the progress in my personal life. I've been eating relatively healthy, and have been relatively active, though I have slipped on a few things. I'm just glad that I started and it's starting to have a real impact on my attitude and day to day life. Life is becoming much easier on this worn out heart. I sound like and old man haha. I've caved slightly back into masturbation, I plan to just push past this loop and try again. This might explain why I've been so calm. Hopefully it’s not though haha. I'll just try again.

Revisions:

1.) Masturbation: "The Edging Technique" Recently I've been using a technique called edging which was designed to help increase my will power on the subject matter of masturbation. It has served as a quite successful counter measure towards my desired to masturbate. However, it is now becoming quite detrimental to my success. I've had cave ins for the past two days in a row. I can't afford to do this again. I used to masturbate until it produced a false sensation of ejaculation. However, as of late, it has not been satisfying my cravings. Instead I caved to my desires and actually came.

So from now on, there has been a shift in my policy towards masturbation.

1.) Stop thinking about sexual things
2.) Keep my self busy; when I'm busy, the last thing I'm thinking about is sex.
3.) Breath deeply when I get the desire.
4.) Jog in place a bit when I feel the urge.
5.) Do NOT look at porn or create sexual fantasies during unauthorized times.
6.) Won’t lie in my bed during the day time.

I hope these few things can keep me from spanking the turkey for awhile. I've been relatively successful until now; the goal is to go till Sunday with out beating the gambit.

2.) Dieting: In this area I've been quite successful as well for the past few weeks, but I've hit some road blocks. Being Black is no excuse not to eat healthy, but I am surrounded by unhealthy food all day, primarily from my parents. My sister is like my self and eats quite healthy, but for what ever reason, my parents WILL and REFUSE to give up the damn junk food. Worst of all, I collapsed and a 5 pieces of cake! I have no methods for trying to curve this, and would LOVE some input and suggestions by some members. In fact, if this gets no responses I will repost in the healthy section about this. I really need some tips and pointers on how best to stick to my diet.

For now that’s it, I'm happy with my progress and will keep up the good work. See you all later, and have a great day . Thanks again for reading my post.

Sincerely,

Gaius

I think you have to have a serious reason to give something up. Otherwise, you won't. I don't have weight problems, but I do have Irritable Bowel Syndrome brought on by stress. Eventually I figured out that there's a 1:1 correspondence between drinking coffee, drinking tea, eating sugary foods, and the state of my guts. This year I got serious and gave them all up, much as it pained me. My guts were bothering me enough that it's simply something I had to do. After 2 months of "no coffee" I tried it again, thinking maybe I could handle it in moderation. Nope. Immediate problems with my guts again. I may be able to go back to these things "someday," but for right now, the stress level of my life is high enough that I simply cannot handle them.

Make the mental link between bad foods and your bad state of mind. If there's a link, do what you've gotta do. If there isn't any link, well, don't create problems where there aren't any. For instance, I was suspicious of the effect that beer might have on my guts, but it doesn't actually seem to change anything. I don't drink all that much beer though.

I eat a lot more fruit since I gave up the sugar. Also more fats. Craving sugar = your glycogen levels are wrong. Fats even out the glycogen levels. Oddly enough, if you have a sweet tooth, eat fats.

Yeah I agree, I such associate it with some sort of health problem. I think the greatest thing I can associate my diet with is the depression I suffer. I recently laxed on my diet a bit today, and saw the effects of it, I didn't like the result. Not only did I become depressed, but I started lonley. Laxed on my exercise as well, but I will still work out tonight, regardless of how basic it is. Thanks for the advice.

I have recently sunken back into a world of depression, anxiety, and fear. The reasons are extremely stupid and confounding. I guess I've been watching a bit too much dragon ball z. It’s not even all that scary, but the themes behind the cell saga are so dark, its hard to sleep at night hearing that eerie harmonica from the shows new soundtrack. I hear it over and over again. Worried that there is a dark and bleak future for humanity. My mind is criss-crossed with movies like I Am Legend. A scenario of apocalyptic proportions clouds my mind. It sends my heart racing, and my mind spirals into insanity and fear.

I know I'm a grown man, but as you can tell, I spend a bit too much time alone. Lately I've been feeling extremely isolated. I try talking to family and meeting new people. It’s just something about the way in which I communicate, and process things, I can't seem to shake. I keep telling my self that none of the stuff I dream is real, that it’s all fake. I'm making a big deal of nothing. I think I may walk to a coffee shop tomorrow afternoon to get out of the house and get around some people.

I talked to my little sister yesterday afternoon, and we had a discussion about what’s been troubling us. My sister, she is in limbo about her future and can't make a decision about what she wants to do. She worries so much about it in fact, that it’s slowing her down as a person. And I, I am no better... Instead of serving as an example and a good big brother, I told her of my people problems. How I feel isolated, alone, and unable to communicate with others. I felt so ashamed when I left her room that I revealed so much about my self. I guess me and my sister are both having an internal crisis in our lives right now. I am a man at war with him self.

I won't victimize my self, but I feel extremely trapped, and even ashamed... I can't even afford to pay for a therapist or any other sort of professional to help me. I know this may have something to do with my diet, and I will see to it that I change it back to healthy.

Fear races through my heart, anxiety, coupled with depression. Life seems to be overwhelming... Many days I force my self through things, in this early hour of the morning I feel a tremendous weight. My soul, at war with it self, my heart trapped by foolishness, and my mind clouded by fear. What is this vex that hinders me? What is it exactly that locks my soul? Will I ever find the key?... I seem to be slipping back into darkness as 5 century Europe did so long ago.

There are so many contradictions in my life. I try to be a real and good person, but I feel as though if I share my ideas with others, that I will be labeled as some insane lunatic. Part of me has to stay hidden from the world; it always has had to... I have opinions, and beliefs, so different, so far from mainstream thought. These are not the type of things you share with others. As I am surrounded by loneliness, so to do I become surrounded in darkness...

Still trying to swim to shore, but I'm drowning in my own sea of shit...

The Existentialists speak of Absurdity and Alienation. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existentialism

I actually read some of it, I liked it. Thought it was quite interesting.

Right now I feel relatively calm, I feel into deep chronic masturbation and bad food eating yesterday. Today has been a relatively calm day. I've had few urges and have eaten well. One thing I noticed is that my body seems to be attacking me. I feel tingly spikes and itches all over my body. A sign that I may not be physically well, or that this depression is so deep that it is making me sick. I've went to the doctor several times to find out what the aches and pains in my brain were, or why I feel itchy spikes all over my body. I can now confidently attach it to my previous poor diet, and my depression.

As I stare into my future, I await the day when my man will come out and take control of my life for me. I have yet unleashed the beast from with in. Yesterday I looked at dragon ball z, and my favorite episode of all time came on, “faith in a boy." Every time that episode comes on I get chills, and my second favorite, "awakening." I feel my self trying to run away from who I away, but I'm not trying to run away from him. I’m trying to run away from his perfections. When I look in the mirror I see a relatively handsome man that should have few or even little problems with women. Sure I may be a little overweight but it’s nothing that’s ever stopped another man before.

I see that my face is ok, I dress nicely, and I take care of my self. The only thing I can think of is my self. Me, the monster I am. And every time when I look at Gohan, I see some of my self. I've yet to unleash the monster and put him to good use though. Maybe something tragic needs to happen in my life in order for me to realize reality. Or maybe something tragic to my self... I seem to know no bounds, or be able to get out of this state of helplessness and despair. The only person who can fix me is me, but I don't want to seem to help my self.

Part of me wants to move forward and do this, and the other half is dying. And inside I die a little by little everyday, trying to understand an ever changing truth. I ask my self why I am so weak, so cowardly, and so afraid... I know I can't play victim, but I still feel alone, abandoned and hated. The wounds of isolation and neglect run so deep in my life. I know my parents tried their best and I am grateful. They provide me with food, with shelter, and with love to a certain extent. I come from a family who is slightly dysfunctional, but it certainly wasn't the worst family. And better still my family is still trying to heal their wounds. My father is trying his best, I know he is. But why can't I forgive him? Why can't I forgive my mother? Why can't I let the past go and move forward? WHY am I trapped in this state of helplessness?

Every day I can't lie and say that I don't think suicidal thoughts, though I would never actually take my own life. I can't lie and say I don't have thoughts of revenge and being more powerful than every one else. I just can't fathom why I operate in such an extreme manner. I just want to be a normal person; I don't want to be isolated any more. I don't want to feel out of place. I just want people who I can really call friends, I want a place I can really call home, and I want a place I can actually go when I feel in trouble or my mind is slipping away.

I want others to so me mercy, but this world is not about showing mercy. It is not a world for the weak, and incidentally I am not meant to exist in this world. I am too weak, and too easily broken. I know the stereotypes of black men, that they are these tough and hardened individuals. I break the stereotype in every way. I am not some gigantic brute, nor do I care that much for physical violence on an individual scale. I don't have great social intelligence, nor do I have good will power. I am not some buff jockular guy. All I have is a soft heart, poetic words, and the ability to retain shit loads of information. This has never been able to conduce anything for me. I've always been a well spoken person, and I've always been alienated from my own community. I tried drifting to whites, Asians, Hispanics, everywhere. And I can't seem to find where I belong.

It seems as though I destined to be some wondering drifter who has no true importance to any group. I just want to find somewhere I belong. I'm tired of doing things alone. I know no one can help me, only I can. I don't even know where I can really start, or how to accept reality. I know I'm not alone, I know that some girls think I'm really cute, I know some people actually respect me, but how do I as a thimble person receive this? I keep saying positive things, I keep smiling, but inside I can feel my self dying and fading away.

I know, I keep complaining, and I'm fine with this. I have only one real choice, I keep complaining about everything. I'm going to stick this out; I'm going to keep going. The best thing I can do for my self right now is to find a job. I've not tried hard to do anything right now, but I need to find a job, buy a car, and get out more. I think if I had the choice to move around freely, I'd feel great. If I can make an identity away from home and school then I'd be just fine. I tried online, it hasn't yielded many results, but I need to try again.

The point of this is, how do I strengthen my heart? How do I toughen my self up? How to I make my heart able to handle change, heart, and pain? How can I as a person withstand all that I perceive is against me? I think this is the true point of this whole message. I’d like words of advice from everyone; including this special request from two minds I consider being the best on the forum: kasabi, and hobbit. What exactly is your take on this situation? And do I just need to go and get a professional?

Thanks for having the patience to read this message. I hope you all have a good day.

Now I part you all with some music that is suggestive of my mood today:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iCtpuQvydk[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqLdbQWd8Wk[/youtube]



^^ This one was just for fun, like the music .

Have you been to college?

It’s a disease that I think me and other men on this forum suffer from. It’s one I can't quite describe its origins, or even how to fix it. It’s called, "The Pussy Heart Syndrome." Its greatest infraction is for the human male to dehumanize, and emasculate himself so much, that he becomes a lesser creature. How to fix this, I have no idea. I am so weak, thirsty, and fragile hearted. I am a delicate flower, a creature that can withstand little resistance or pressure. I associate violence or aggressiveness with the hurt of my past. The moment when my father used to isolate and beat the family. I morphed myself to never be him. Instead I created a weak creature.

Haha, I'm pathetic, screaming out for help on a chat room at school. Proves I have no life, no friends, no anything. I know only one way to escape this; it is for me to have actual mobile freedom. The ability to actually be able to move around and meet new people. I need a job; I need a place to collect money to get my therapy, and to get the help I need. My last therapist sucked. Does anyone know about therapy vouchers that allow less fortunate people to afford therapy or take it for free?

Sorry bvanevery to answer your question I am currently in college right now. However, I go to a community college, its a long like highschool. Most of the gaming I've done was on campus.

This Idea came to me from a combination of the forums and a real life lecture done by one of my professors. Who happens to be a professional dietitian and weight loss coach. He's helped lots of his clients get into shape, and he gave these key ideals on the ways to success. Though it might've been said before on the forum, I may have not processed it properly or the information was never disseminated to me in a understandable way.

The 3 Keys to Success:

1.) Documentation & Review- Basically got this idea from the forum, it’s repeated several times. I've been doing documents for quite some time; however I haven't been reviewing my material often. Need to start doing that more.

2.) Purpose/Why? - I think of all things this is the most important of them all. The reason why you are doing the whole thing and I don't think this gets communicated enough on the forum, or isn't communicated properly. I think too many times new guys like myself ask how, instead of asking why? Why do they want this? And I own up to that.

3.) Goals- This does get communicated well in the community. The fact that you have seeable benchmarks of success and you have a plan. I've really didn't have goals in any of this, and if they were goals, they were outlandish. Outlandish goals or "going to the Moon syndrome" happens from the optimism of early game or not being able to balance life well. I am guilty as charge. Have small, reachable, and obtainable goals.

4.) Partner/ Support Group- This last step is optional, but I think it helps to be the catalyst to success, I think that this will help the speed of your success, or help you stay course. Basically a bunch of people watching your ass and on your back making sure you stay course. It makes giving excuses a lot less acceptable. They have your back, and you have theirs. It’s a system that works great and helps people maintain course. Be with partners are much more likely. So if you have a group of friends who need to learn to do stuff, do it together (weight loss, pua, homework) doesn't matter, just do it.