I know it’s not healthy to be so dependent on your parents love especially at my age. I try to be autonomous to my family, but do to my transportation restrictions it seems to be the only people that I have constant contact with. It often shapes how I function with others. I'm so isolated, I'm trying to shake this stupid shit off but I can't seem to do it. Half of me want to fight, half of me want to die. I'm seriously trying to fight. I refuse to cry or bicker over how my life sucks. On the same note I can't really see a way out. I have certain tendencies to act in a certain manner. I'm more then convinced that I have mental disorders: Bipolar Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm trying to seek help but I don't have the funds. I'm so desperate even that I am seriously trying to become an escort in order to pay for therapy, but my people skills SUCK! I'm practically going crazy trying to fix myself. People say don't sink to taking medication, but I seriously think it’s the only way.

Deal with what I have? Maybe this is the answer. I keep trying to talk to people, it’s always so awkward. But I can't cry about it, I didn't even do what my friend asked me to do. Part of my problem is that I'm a lazy pussy. I need to man up and start doing some work. It hurts so much, it burns and stings, but I can't get better if I do NOTHING! God even in this text you can see the war waging inside myself. It’s a tough fight.
So now that is the first thing I’m going to do for real this time. I won’t go back and change my mind. I will work on being so indecisive and lazy for one. Then I’ll do what my natural buddy told me to do. I’ll actually put honest effort into these things. I will, I can do this, I know I can. It doesn't feel like it, but if I keep trying it'll work. So I've heard.

Consider this my journal now. A journal not meant for the outter works, but one for an internal battle. One that is a war which is waged with in the soul of one man. This is my plight to the community. So many times we get the guys in here that work hard through outter game. This seems not to be an option for me. I hope you all will support me as you always have, and help see me through my positive transformation into a strong man. I now leave this message with the intent to exercise. I'll report back later today.

I think youve got awesome intentions, help family, make friends,get a girlfriend etc so congratulate yourself already and learn to speak to yourself in the way you deserve for all the hard work girls love dudes that have life experience like that makes you humble,stable,real if you choose.
I do think you might have symptoms of depression rather than Bipolar but go see a local general practitioner and he can refer you to a psycologist as the SPAM are very different for the two.

If you do have a depression realise your interactions will have too much meaning far too much value and usually are negative whereas when your not depressed you realise that no interaction has that much value the thinking is like 'oh o.k..oh well, who gives a fuk.. next' you dont be a jerk instead assume people will like you and if they dont they can tell you themselves instead of you speaking for them but you realise your still you. fuk anyone if they dont like you if your just a genuine dude- this mindset will help you bigtime with meeting chicks and people in general as they pick up an easy going non needy vibe.

there also might be some very slight addictive personality or impulse control type behavior as thats where the all or nothing mindset might stem from and some of the behaviours you regret afterward.
So if you want to do one thing then try taking 'one day at a time' and live 'just for today' to balance out any extremes.
let us know how you get on dude keep it up ,youll be winning in no time.

I don't think I ever said I want a girlfriend. On that note, I'm pressure sure I am bipolar, though I do have a long cycle of depression. Rarely do I experience hypomania, but it does happen. From time to time I do have moments where I feel like I can do anything, a period of mild euphoria, though I usually can’t do much about this. So I often crash a few days after. Also I'm nearly certain I have borderline personality disorder, and I do have a psychiatrist, but I have no money to pay my 15$ co-payment. I'm hoping that my new business I started will start to yield results in a few months. Yeah I guess I got a problem with that, I do put allot of currency to each interaction. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get over these bad emotions unless I have medication and therapy. *Slight impulsive* and *addictive personality* = bipolar. All or nothing= borderline personality disorder (black and white thinking).

Yeah I get what you’re saying though. I do need to get some damn money so I can go back to therapy. I'm desperately trying to find a way to get some money. My mom agreed to get my payment for next month, but I have to chuck up 400$ for school this week. So it’s going to be hard. I've recently been channeling my anger and hatred into exercise so we'll see how that works.

oh true must of thought you might have wanted a girlfriend because you mentioned you were so hellbent on apologizing to one girl and your on a pick up artist forum,yeah your right you might be bipolar dude.
peace

Thanks for the help, dueces.

Yeah probably Hobbit.

I just started a new job that should help me, but I'm sort of scared of the impact it may have on me...

I think I'm starting to realize a big problem with what I'm doing now. I need some friends, or people that I talk to on a regular basis. I know this seems like a noob question, but how do you get friends? I feel like I have to think too much around people or be fake and hide stuff. I think a lot of times I act the way I do. Its because I don't want to feel too restrained in what I'm doing, I don't want to feel fake. But at the same time I want people around me, I'm just utterly confused.

Recently I've been quite successful in stopping a masturbation habit. I"m quite proud of that I've got it down to 3 times a week. Next week is going to be once a week. I know its a long hard journey but I'm always willing and able to go through with it. But on that note, with all this being said, how do I actually get some friends? Some people I can chill with? Talk too? Share feelings with? Grow with? Love with?

I feel I am being deprived of manhood and brotherhood. I simply want a few close individuals I can rely on in tough times that have my back. So far lately I haven't been able to find any of that. Its quite frustrating to be alone and lonely all the time. I've not really been able to find anyone who I'm compatible with. All the people in Student Government are fake and play too many games with my heart. Theres just a myriad of things I'd like some help solving. Thanks for reading this message I really appreciate it .

Lately I've been feeling "overwhelmed" by life. I'm not negative about it or anything, I just feel overwhelmed. For example right now my life isn't even all that hard, it's really not. But it's that missing social part of my life that has been the focal point to my life. Recently I started to exercise and am trying to quit excessive masturbation. I have been quite succesful especially since I've found a technique called "edging". It's a technique where you don't completely jack off or cum but you "beat" until your near climax and then aburtly stop. Sometimes you sleep, but as time progresses you become better at not actually busting the gun.

Enough of that any. So I've been dealing with that. But honestly my academic life isn't all that bad. I need to study more and I have no excuses. I started a club that hasn't been quite succesful, I'm not too thrilled about that. But the real stress comes from women and my social life. I do SO many things wrong, and have SO much to fix it just seems like an overwhelming task. My body language is off, I come off too thirsty. I'm too impatient. There are just SO many things that I could fix. Yet I have no real means to fix anything. I'm so limited in the places I could go do to my current location and mode of transportation.

It's frustrating and I'm trying to come up with solutions. Maybe It's me just whining but I keep having continous suicidal thoughts. Yeah you all can can me and say I told guy was a pussy. May be I do have a weak heart, may be I'm not strong. But I won't give up there has to be a solution. And this is what is driving me crazy. I know I'm a bit overweight and that might contribute but I'm so insecure. Like when girls talk to other guys I get defensive and jealous. Something inside of me is fucked up and I'm trying to get job to get therapy. Damn it I'm just overwhelmed ...

At this point I don't even have approaching problems with women, or problems with keeping conversations going. I'm so so on kino, when I feel I've lost I won't even touch a woman, or mostly when I'm depressed I avoid eye contact and tactile contact. I try to hug a girl every meeting, but trying is not doing right? I've never been able to move past mid-game ever. This is my gridlock, I might not be the best at approach but eventually I'll do it no problem. I might not be the best at conversation, but eventually I'll start it. But mid-game I have so many nervous habits. I find that I do a lot of fake or extra laughing out of nervousness or extra talking because the girl stops talking. Or not looking her directly in the eye. Or overcompensating by being loud and sarcastic. Around guys I'll do fake bragging about how I'd get a girl if I had the chance. Just shitting around and being me. I say so many back handed and unneeded comments. NO one takes me seriously or confides in me. There are a myriad of things.

And while yes I know I could focus on the negative there are postives I have acheived. I am much more outgoing then I ever was before I entered pua. I now know a lot of people. I wave to them in the hallways and say whats up to at least 50 people a day. While I've done all this, this has yet to produce real results in my personal life. I don't actually hang out with any of these people, I don't talk to them out of school. Even a few girls actually notice I exist. But how come I can't take advantage of this? How come I can't reach out to people? Is it me? Something I'm doing wrong? What's wrong with me?

The biggest problem I think I'm having right now is how isolated and lonley I feel. I feel so alone at night, the nights get cold, I have no one to cuddle with, no one to call... I sound like a woman right? But I need that love and affection in my life. It doesn't exist. I want positive people around me who support me, love me and lift me up. And thought I'll always have my sisters and mom who've always got my back in tough times. I don't have friends out side the home. Or a group that I can call my own. All of my life I've been some strange outsider and nomad whose wondered from social group to social group. I've never really found my place to fit in. I search and roam the campus for guys like me going through similar things. And to no avail nothing has been founds. No rocks have been turned with any other man.

2 B Continued...

Lately I've been trying to reach out to groups, communities, and other guys like me. I've yet to find people who are like me or want the same things in life. Unfortunately not to sound nerdy or anything but I want objectives in the world that most people aren't even thinking about. I do want to solve problems like racial perception, starvation and war in the developing world, so many of these things intrigue me. I live, eat and sleep history. I love politics and understanding how it affects me and those I love. And even through all of these interests I can't find one individual? Life has just been so lonely. I need a friend: someone to trust, be close to, and call my own.

Fuck all the HB stuff and hook ups and all that stuff. Though it’s racing through my mind and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't, another thing racing through my head is where are all my real friends? The people who actually care? Want to help me? Stand by me? And be a positive influence? Whatever happened to people sticking together and working for one another? I feel so trapped because I go to a 2 year college. Not many people think like me, I'm sure if I went to a 4 year I wouldn't be having this problem as much.

At least in my high school years I had people who I could call and chill with for a good time. For a time in my later years of high school I had some friends. But I messed it up being me. I was being immature and doing stuff that was not taking other peoples' feelings into consideration. For this I take ownership. On that note I was considering talking to some "lame" guys on campus that were social rejects and forming some sort of brotherhood of self improvement. But I don't know how seriously these guys would take it. It would of course be a proposal that I would have to thoroughly investigate.

Just some sort of accountability society that would help me and the other guys get through it. I need people basically to be positive and support me. If you want to call it babying then fine call it that. Yeah alpha mumbo jumbo etc. I don't really care for it; I'm not looking to be alpha male. I’m just looking to be human . All of my life I have been different, separated off from everyone, isolated. Even when I hung around people I was treated differently and isolated. Not respected, nor was I well received. I even witnessed my tendency to alienate and ostracize my self on this chat room. What happens on chat is reflective of my real situation. I always appear as a cool chill as guy at first because I'm trying to get off that aura. But eventually I become this annoying burden to people. I just want this issue in my life to end, for me to be acknowledged by some group as their own.

I tried being fake and melting into a group, it didn't work well. I'm really just looking for some truthful WISDOM that will help me through these tough times. And help me to understand the reality of this situation. There is no need to cuddle me or try not to hurt my feelings. I just want a realistic perception of this whole thing, and a real understanding of where I should go at this point in my life. I know the "solutions" so to speak. But I don't know quite how to in act them.

I was really frustrated and hurt. So instead of doing something crazy or hurting something, I wrote this journal. It helps to alleviate a lot of the pain. I feel much better now that I was able to type this out. I think I'm looking for two things at this point; I'm looking for a MENTOR and for some true friends. If I could find that my life right now would be a lot simpler. So far I couldn't find any one of them. I guess this is a pathetic cry for help on an internet chat room. Not necessarily to do everything for me, but to point me in the right direction.

Any sincere and truthful words from the heart would be greatly appreciated. I thank you all so much for taking the time to read this post. I know it took great patience. I just want you to know I appreciate all your time and effort sooo much !

I will sincerely take this and use it. I feel a bit backed into the corner so it is better to start somewhere then no where. Thank you.

In the deepest recesses of my heart there is hope. There has always been hope. Hope that I can succeed, hope that I can prosper. I see light at the end of the tunnel, a way to alleviate this isolation and pain. I will not complain or give up until I actually try this. But there is always something, something that comes up and steals this joy. My happiness is but something that fades like wind, I can never predict when I have it or when it is gone. I will heed hobbit's advice. My heart is hurt, but I must keep going. I will continue my quest for friendship and for mentorship. I know that once I have these things my life will fix its course.

I have a plan to create a complex support structure that will enable me to have positive support and help in this process. I will consult my parents about all this tomorrow and begin the long and arduous process of truly finding other individuals like my self to walk this journey with.

Today was a good day. I say that sparingly but it was great. For the first time in a while I felt free. I started the day off depressed, but because of hard work and dedication I felt a bit better. I went to the gym and worked out for about 100 minutes. When I entered I was depressed and even suicidal, but I left feeling much better with a grip on life. I guess the great lesson here is to re-channel the negative energies of life. I felt so battered and abused. I consulted my mother about my lack of relationships. She keeps telling me, "it isn't time son. First you need money to do things. And unfortunately right now our family doesn't have that." It tore me up a bit to here such words. But I knew she was being honest and truthful. My life and its misery is a direct correlation to my lack of money, transportation, and the ability to purchase experiences.

I've had horrible previous experiences with work, but I think through actually focusing on finding a job and getting some money I'll be able to go out and start a new life. I'll be able to find friends, join support groups, go to community organizations, and live a much healthier life. Right now I spend 5 days a week trapped in the house besides the rare occasions I go to the mall or a family event. It is this isolation that has hurt me socially and spiritually. I cannot complain, I must make a support network. I will most definitely talk to my parents about making a support network tonight. I will beat this inability to love, to care, and to grow. I know will, I know I can...

I'm working out quite regularly now and I'm starting to feel the change emotionally. I never knew changing your diet and working out on a regular schedule could have such an impact on your mental and emotional health, but it does. The last half of this past week wasn't bad at all. In fact starting Thursday I was happy.

I remember Thursday night while I was leaving, I was happy for the dumbest reason. I really! really! cute girl smiled at me when I walked passed. Could have meant something, or nothing. But I decided to take it easy and play it cool, I know I'll see her again, so the one thing I don't want to do is to be thirsty or say stuff out of force of habit any more. Many times I'll say stuff, laugh, or talk because I'm nervous or don't like the SPAM. I'll work on that, but for not I’m achieving some great progress. Ladies, you don't know how much a smile, or a hug means to a guy. It made me completely happy and satisfied, even though this is a retarded reason to be happy. All of a sudden I started to remember all the other girls that smile at me and wave at me everyday who linger around, and well.. I realized that life wasn't so bad.

I'm happy with the progress I have on my masturbation habit, I slipped a bit but quickly got it under control. I've been reading a few self-improvement books. Working out regularly. All of this is starting to yield results in my personal mood and health. I'm starting to feel much happier. I intend to keep up this physical activity. I know this will yield good results and mold me into a stronger man. I still do a few things out of nervous habit, but I notice I have been a lot calmer lately, a lot more positive, and positive things have been happening to me.

Though my life isn't quite as active or out as I wish, I came to a startling realization after my mother parted me with some words of wisdom. I simply don't have the money to maintain such an active lifestyle "yet". I won't make excuses, I will find a job and a reason to leave the house and do some good. However, it will happen, I must be patient and not get anxious. I'm sure this depression was episodic and may return later. But with this realization in a calm state, I am sure that I will have a life of active fun and adventure soon. Soon I will form what I want.

I don't know, I'm just pretty happy right now . It's been a long time since this has happened. But today was great, and I'm sure tommorrow will be better.

I think I have finally found the crucible which curses me, the stake which seals my cross. I know many people will say I told you so, but here it goes. But before I divulge this, here is how I came up with this idea.

I was watching a good movie "unstoppable". It had Denzel Washington in it; he's one of my favorites . Anyways in the movie was about a veteran train operator who was recently laid off. He was nearing the ending stretch of his career, when a catastrophic train incident kicked off in the northeast. Denzel's role was of course to stop the train along with his young naive but good hearted partner "Chris Pine". As you can tell the entire movie was based on them stopping the train, but a series of events occurred that helped reveal the life stories of each character.

The most pertinent and relevant part in my particular situation is when Chris Pine was telling Denzel about the problems he was having with his wife. Basically Pine was insecure about his relationship with his wife. He followed her, and followed the guy who he thought she was having an affair with. It turned out that she was only calling his sister in law. Since that point in time they had been estranged. However, due to dangerous situation with the train, Denzel told him to call his wife and tell her that he loves her.

The dialogue then goes as follow (A rough paraphrase):

Denzel: Call your wife and tell her you love her

Pine: But it's been so long, and she's still up set with me.

Denzel: You give up too easily. Just try again and keep trying she'll come through.

It was at that point that I think I realized a great flaw of mine. It's not that I'm so imperfect though I'm not perfect. It's the fact that I give up so easily. I could have an actually lead here. I will maintain this, understand it, and process it.