Inside me there is a strong and good man, inside all of us this exists. Why can I not seem to bring him out? I feel as though at times the strong me evades me. I sit here and question my self at this late night. My concerns: why am I so thirsty? so desperate? so prone for attention? It's like every girl I get the chance to talk to I cling to the oppurtunity and won't let it go.

I used think that my view on women and relationships were ok, until I recently realized some of the things I've been doing. How my eyes wonder the hallways at my college like a lost puppy. How I always try to talk to people who don't want to talk. I thought because I talked to so many people that I wasn't being "desperate". But now I realize some true stuff inside me: attention seeking, reaction seeking, approval seeking, etc.

The reason this was all triggered is because I was so hellbent on apologizing to some girl. It wasn't even being genuine, at least it didn't end that way. She preoccupied too much space in my mind..

My true question is how do I bring out the chill, hard working, and collected man that is with inside me? How do I cultivate this person? I am on a quest for self, self seems to be a battered man as of late....

I'm still working towards that stage of self-actualisation, you just have to accept who you are is better than anything you want to be.

_________________
"At the end of the day these are women's lives we're dealing with, not mere entertainment."

"We are what we repeatedly do. excellence therefore is a habit and not an act."

I suppose, I'm having a sort of relapse of some kinda. It comes during times when I try and defeat addictions I guess :/.

Tell us about your childhood. Your attention seeking behavior indicates you haven't gotten a lot of attention from women in your past. How far back does it go? Did you get attention from women when you were 3? Did you have sisters? Did you have female friends growing up?

Your mental state comes from somewhere. You need to understand it to move beyond it. "Fake it until you make it" doesn't entirely work. When you don't deal with underlying causes, reality comes crashing down at some point. You are thrown back into your previous patterns of behavior, because you don't understand where the behavior comes from and you have no control over it.

I guess where I had lots of female attention in my household. However, my mom had a dualistic personality, I know she loves and supports me, but it was the combination of her and my father that just made me skeptical about life period. When I was young I was teased by girls at school, never had that many female friends. Then again I was teased by guys as well and had fake friends. But I've just had lots of problems with women, and right now I'm on the brink of an emotional collapse. I don't think that at this point I am abosolutely healthy and might need to seek a professional for mental illness.

On that note I'd like to state that I went crazy last night, literally.. I'm gonna receive ridicule, but oh well, I'm not ashamed to admit I'm crazy and fucked up. Last night I took one of my sister's older teddy beards, cut a hole in the bottom, took out some of the cotton and simulated a vagina. I kissed, carrassed it, and fucked it hard. I basically allow the bear to be my girl friend for the night. I recently came under a lot of distress about my personal and social life. I was craving sex so bad, that I allowed all mental boundaries and capacity to become null and void. For hours I would have fake sex with this bear that in hopes I wouldn't feel like shit about my self.

It somewhat worked, I was able to relieve some of the inner stress and pain I was under. I don't feel like I belong in any of the clubs or organizations I used to belong to. I became so deseperate that I signed up for sex sites last night in hopes of making a call and having someone pick me up. So yeah, you all get the picture, I'm fucked up, oh well :/.

Eh, I dunno, I don't think fucking an inanimate object makes you inherently fucked up. Young and stoopid maybe but not inherently fucked up. I think almost everyone has fucked something like that at some point, although I think melons are more typical. After doing that though, I think most of us end up thinking, well geez this wasn't really any better than my hand, so we get lazy and don't try to improve things. I suppose the kinkier people might start looking in sex shops for better toys of this nature, rather than the homebrew expedients.

Sooo got a lot of negative social attention at school. Where, if anywhere, did you get positive social attention?

Well I've received some positive reinforcement from both my parents and my peers. But this was ad hoc, I know my parents loved me, but we lived in a chaotic household with rubble as a foundation, full of individuals doing as they pleased. There wasn't much time to cater to skills of one child or another, rather, simply the survival of the family as a whole. Though my baby sister being the smartest got catered to the most, and my eldest sister being a ADD prone got more attention then I. I was the bad, poor behaving middle child. This I do not regret, I simply wish that the negative effects of survivalism didn't take their tolls on my family. At school I was attacked a lot as well, but I take responsibility and state that I can be quite a controversial character at times.

But now that I look deeper, I am like the man I mostly never wanted to be, my father... Needy, weak, in able to handle truth, and in able to properly dispense love without attachment. My father is a negative and bitter old man, who hates positive reinforcement and resents it as attacks on character. Some where along the line, I've become this man.. I've been seeking therapy, but setback after setback keeps me from ever truly gaining my sanity. I like him always seek glory, recognition for being superior to other individuals instead of being good at what I'm good at.

There is a myriad of problems I can see, and yet I can't remember many positive reinforcements. It wasn't all bad in my house, at times there were brief moments of love, faith, and trust. Often times that would be overturned by my parent’s relationship problems, my father's infidelity, and his abusive nature. It great hurt the family, and hearing my mom bitch about how bad he hurt her, but yet she still stayed. My father could probably teach me all this stuff, yet taking advice from him is difficult. He is the reflection of what I don't want to be, a man full of regrets in his middle-aged years. I respect his determination and hard work ethic. I don't appreciate his phobia of people. A phobia that I think I do indeed inherit. My father's side of the family has a history of mental illness and social anxiety. Which is why I wouldn't be surprised if I indeed had some sort of mental disorder, or emotional imbalance. It occurs frequently in his family. There have been series of misfortunes in our family since we came to America...

Man, I think I do have greater problems then women, but at this point I can’t even deal with the real problems because I simply don’t have the finances to continue therapy.

I would first like to thank Hobbit for permanently banning me from PUA chat. It wasn't very productive for me, and it was becoming a bad habit. Inside the chat I realized that I was going back to a lot of old tendencies. I am also gracious that I can still post in the forum and maintain this journal. I know not a lot of guys come into the inner game section, but I am grateful of the ones who do. Thank you .

On that note I will get down to business and accept some hard facts. My parents love me, and loved me dearly. I have no right to criticize their parenting style, though at times it could be a bit tough and abrasive to the heart. Both of my parents come from broken homes, I don't think I should've expected more than I got. I know I can't fix my family totally, but I would love to try and create a more positive SPAM in my household. I and my father are similar in extreme, and defeatist tendencies; in which we have an all or nothing mentality. I would like some advice on this situation.

I would also like advice on how to create a more positive and stimulating home environment more conducive towards success. I know I have some tendencies that will be asked about, and upon request I will tell the author of the statement. This is no problem. My goals here are to:
1.) Create positivity in the household
2.) Create and SPAM of love, support, and admiration (instead of all the members of my family seeking it else where as they currently do)
3.) The mending of me and my father's relationship
4.) Understanding my father better
5.) Healing relations with my step-sibling and half siblings
6.) Unite my family in order to really truly be able to work together, and get things done when the time comes.

There are probably more, but I will deal with those when the time comes. Right now I think these are the most important.

My primary question is how do you make fundamental changes to behavior? I don't just want to change a bit, but I want to change A LOT. I want seriously change the basis of my personality and who I am. I understand that this hurt, this pain, this shame that I feel inside of me will never truly go away. It hurts, but I understand that’s me just growing up and being a man. Essentially, how do you make DEEP seated changes in who you are? What are some of the processes? I would love to get advice from some true inner game gurus. I even request advice, sincere advice, and I will personally SINCERELY heed the advice of those who give it to me.

Here is a layout of my goals that I want to achieve from developing inner game instead of focusing on the outer game for awhile.

1.) Fix My Self
2.) Help to mend my family as much as possible
3.) Get some real friends that stick around and last (I seem to have trouble with understanding how to even begin this)
4.) Do some real and good stuff in the community
5.) Be a person of (Holistic) health.

When I say friends, I mean some real people I can rely on, and who will work with me. I don't know how to make true friendships or lasting camaraderie. I was always the lone social wolf, who would bounce from group to group. Feel free to avoid giving advice on this post, until the other post I requested advice on is clearly read, understood, and responded to.

To start you need to learn to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST as you are no matter what mental disorder or not , this should be your foundation and will help you fully let go of any blame because no one is in your head now only you and what you tell yourself.
If your not living as the man you want to be its often because of wasting time and energy hiding your negative self image from the rest of the world so I think youve taken an awesome step on this by posting.

Piled on top of our authentic man self is a layer of shame,guilt and fear, the person we fear we are, our negative self image.
There are two types of shame ones normal and ones unhealthy the first 'shame' is felling bad about something youve done the second 'Toxic shame' is felling bad about who you are makesure you know the difference.
As for your fears they will probably be the fear of not being enough the fear of not belonging or the fear of not being loved.

Heres an NLP exersize which hypnotica did on mehow on a vid but i couldnt find it to post.it'll help with the man transformation if you do it a few times..

1 take a moment to relax and breathe deeply,let your muscles relax completely
2 imagine another you standing infront of you, the ultimate image of your authentic self that you can imagine
3 Take a moment to feel totally happy with your authentic self look at the way your authentic self stands,breathes ,smiles,walks and talks.Notice how your authentic self handles problems and goes for his goals.
4 Now, step into and embody your authentic self.See through the eyes of your authentic self ,hear through the ears of your authentic self and feel how it feels to live as your authentic man.
5.Finish by taking a minute to visualise how your life will be as you live more and more from your authentic self even see how you would have handled past situations being your authentic self , also now and into the future.

I agree with you 100%, but its hard to actually make good with your self in a non-supportive environment. Often times I try to do some changes, and the because of my environment I often relapse back into negativity. I know I can't do this change alone and need the support of my family. I know my little sister supports, but I'd appreciate the respect and understanding of my parents, and for them to stop speaking so negatively all the time. If that’s not an option am I supposed to just ignore them and cut them out of my life? Get some friends going the same thing? What ?

I had to write my biological mother out of my life when I was 11. She was crazy and it was dragging me down. It's what I needed to do.
Sure. Some people leave home and don't look back for awhile. You wouldn't be the 1st person to have an inadequate relationship with your parents.

Well I think the relationship I have with my parents is salvagible. I don't think its completely broken. But my mom told me that she doesn't think I get out the house enough. We live in a very isolated area, she says that me being so isolated from other people hasn't been good for me. During the summer I might spend months not leaving the house. So I need to create an action plan for getting out the house.

I think what your mom said is right get out of the house even if you dont move out,its something my mom told me all the time aswell and looking back she was right.
the real question is are you going to choose to be happy if you cant mend all these relationship if all the ducks dont line up or are you going to stay a victim? and at some level im sure they feel some level of guilt so a great non judgement frame is 'most people do the best with what they have' and if they dont feel any guilt then why would you want to change something you cant fix what would doing that give you? love(sympathy),attention,connection..?


I moved away from my parents and they came to visit me recently on holiday and decided to get into the usual arguments about divorce so i told them that i wasnt having any of that rubbish and i would be at my place untill they grow up a bit or i would see them some day in the future.So get some loving toughness into your relationship defined by whats acceptable to you, I love my parents the door is always open but if they need to cool off then just outside the door is a great place.Get out as much as possible and keep working on yourself and how you think but there also comes a time when you dont think about it but learn by doing it.
peace bro.