Hi guys,
Just wondering how you would deal with a woman who is having trouble trusting/loving a man?

A lady and I have been dating for a few months. She's a real catch, she's very caring, great personality, very mature and she's a lot of fun. We hold a lot of the same values which is very important to me. This is not a case of the so-called "oneitis". I find myself genuinely caring for her and not just lusting like other girls in the past. Her and I are not in a relationship but she's told me that I'm the only guy she's opened up to in the last year since her and her ex-fiance broke up. They broke up around January last year; she found out he was cheating on her. She broke off the engagement and eventually broke up with him. Everything was done around June '10 but it left her emotionally destroyed. She was with him for years, engaged and living together, so I completely understand why. She knows my intention is to have something with her longterm, but I have not put any kind of pressure on her.

Last week she came to me and was telling me how she's so glad to have me in her life, "a real man" as she phrased it. She said I have every quality she is looking for and a man like me was scarce. It felt good to hear that because I feel the same way about her. However, she said she is having an issue being able to love and trust another man. She's afraid of getting into another relationship because she's scared the same thing will happen again.

I'm looking for some serious advise as to how to deal with this situation. I would like to assure her that there is nothing to be scared of because I'm not her ex. However, I have a feeling that won't be enough. For something like this she probably needs time to heal and come around.. but what if she never comes around and I'm left holding my "you know what"? I'm hoping this is a hurdle that could be overcome.

Your input is welcome.

This may not be something you can fix.

Still, I don't really see what the problem is, unless you are unsatisfied with the casualness of the relationship, or she is causing drama because of her insecurity. Anything further you'd like to add?

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- Lux et Veritas -

I agree that this is something your lady will ultimately have to work out on her own. Assuring her that you aren't her ex won't be enough, but it certainly won't hurt will it? In this case, I would take it a step further and SHOW her that you aren't her ex. Show her that she can rely on you, BUILD trust, take the time to take her walls down. From what you've described, I really think she will come through for you.

Like they said above, you're gonna have to show her that you're the complete opposite of her ex, this may take sometime and work. But be very careful, I was just in a year relationship like this, I did all the right things but did 1 thing that reminded her of her ex ( I told her I was going out 2 the club with friends 1 night: this was not a regular thing, just wanted to hang out) and all the work I did was lost and she put her wall back up, a year of trust building ruined (i'm not saying that your girl is as extreme as mine was) I ended up just leaving the relationship because I wasn't being treated the same anymore. Work your hardest to have her continue to see you in a good light and be careful not to bring back bad memories.

I really don`t like these types of situations. By trying hard to accommodate her, you are setting yourself up to be manipulated. Which will lead to you resenting it and doing something (purposely or accidentally) to validate her reasoning for not trusting men. The sad reality is these women are usually the cause of their bad luck. Instead of taking time to heal themselves, they hop back into another screwed up relationship, thus creating a cycle. My advise is to let this one go. have a nice long talk with her about the situation. and leave the door open for a posible relationship in the future, provided that she gets her shit together.

well i think your problem is more about her and not about you.
the best idea i have for you is just simply use very simple psychology and compare your self to someone she does care about today like her best friend

its rather simple... i had the same thing with my ex....

As stated...your words of comfort may not be able to calm her worried mind. Talk to her...tell her your intentions and that she can't bring what other guys may have done into your relationship. It's not fair to you to be labeled in that manner. Her scars can't be brought into the relationship as your's now. If mentioned to her...it must be said carefully, you don't want to make her out to be overly sensitive, remember, she is a girl and will react as such...probably get hurt or upset and that whole conve will just go out the window.

Bottom line, all you can do is reassure her. Be aware that you may have to go the extra mile to check in or tell her your whereabouts to prevent any misunderstanding of why you didn't call/visit/text/answer your phone. It's just easier as un-alpha as this sounds...I'd prefer to do this than try to explain what I was doing for the next hour...but that just me from my experience in a relationship like this.

After a while, this will subside once she realizes that you are for real. Just know there is not time frame for this mistrust that she may feel. Really depends on how bad it was previously...but understand, if you really like this girl, you will need to be patient, it will pay off big time for you if you can pull through this. Honestly though, it's easier said than done...just don't get too needy and smothering to show her you are different than all the other guys...but do treat her with respect and be honest...NO MATTER WHAT the reason... but you should know that by now.

Good Luck

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You can't make the same mistake twice, the second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice.

You get a girl's trust through things you do. Think of it like a point system. 2 points for doing something sweet, 5 for something romantic, 10 for an orgasm, etc. The amount needed depends on every girl but there is an average. Once you reach it, you basically have her trust.

I'm sorry but the point system doesn't work in my opinion. Because I believe with women, it doesn't matter how many good things you do. you can do 100 amazing things for a women and make 1 mistake, say something wrong, do something wrong, hurt their feelings (which could be from doing anything because us as men are "always wrong ") and all those good things are forgotten, like they never happen. In my experience, I spend more time trying to make everything perfect for her then actually enjoying the relationship, more work than pleasure. If she means that much to you, by all means go the extra mile. But i dont think trust issues ever really go away.

Thanks for the advice, guys. A few of you actually touched on a few concerns I had, such as smothering her to show I'm different from other guys and the trust being broken with a minor issue. Trust has to be built with anyone, but the strength of it is the issue. I guess patience is my best friend, right now.

She told me the night we chatted about her love/trust "blockage" was very special to her, she was relieved of the heavy feeling she had. Then last night she sent me an email:

"I just came from the gym. I'm ready to sit down and have some dinner but before I do anything I wanted you to get to know some of the male people in my life that I speak to or meet from time to time... don't ask me why I want you to know, just accept that you are getting to know a side of me that you may have not seen before and that's my strive for honesty and transparency"

She then goes to list all of the men she either talks to or meets with, in work, her personal life, and childhood friends. She also says how often she speaks to them and how she communicates with them (phone, e-mail, etc). She even mentions she has gone for coffee with a neighbor a few times and is going this weekend (Note to self: Don't be insecure, don't be insecure, don't be insecure )

I'm not sure why she did this... it could be to just get things in the open or bait me into doing the same to her. Either way, I have nothing to hide.

This is not about honesty and transparency. I don't know what it is, but it is weird. She definitely has issues with trust.

Refuse to reciprocate. Anything you say can and will be used against you... no matter your intention, your statements will be misintepreted.

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- Lux et Veritas -

You dont`t find it suspicious that a woman who claims to have trouble trusting men has so many male "friends"? I say let her go...let her get her shit together, cause she is obviously confused. If the shit is really meant to be she`ll understand...and probably look you up when she figures it all out.

Refuse to reciprocate. Anything you say can and will be used against you... no matter your intention, your statements will be misintepreted.[/quote]

Don't even respond to what she told you. She's confused as shit, walk away and let her get her shit together.

Here's my 2 cent:

1. Don't let her catch you on a PUA site... :-p
2. Always demonstrate that you're trustworthy, even with the little things (if you say you're going to do something, do it. If she tells you something in confidence, make sure you keep her secret. Etc)
3. Let her know you won't tolerate being cheated on either. This may make her a little more comfortable ("if he won't tolerate a cheat, how likely is it that he'll cheat").

As far as telling you about her guy friends, she may just be really insecure & scared that you'll think she's cheating on you. It may be a little odd but who knows what goes through a woman's head when they start falling in love with ya... LOL

Definitely an interesting way of putting it out there...just a simple, I have some guy friends I talk to every now and then would have sufficed, the need for detail could be a good sign...but is really strange...I know had us guys shared this with a girl in that manner...I see this girl and that girl and my neighbor...well, you get the gist of it!

Yes, don't reciprocate...no need to start sharing a list of girls you speak with...that will pretty much put you back in the category of unworthiness and a person unable to trust. There is a reason she went about it this way, it will become more clear to you as the relationship progresses.

As also stated, no need to show that it bothers you either...remember, abundance, if she don't work out, there are plenty more where she came from so no need to tolerate the BS. If you really like this girl, then see where it takes you...but it will be work and ensure that you know exactly where she is coming from before making any statements, misunderstandings will sink this quick.

Regarding this, don't ask why the details, just say...cool, Im glad you are able to share that with me...let's do something later!

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You can't make the same mistake twice, the second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice.