Hey guys, this is a bit of a long read so sorry about that...

Basically my girlfriend of 4 and a half months is causing me some real issues at the moment.

she's an hb 8, quite extensive self-confidence issues, but she is in demand so to speak, other guys have definitely had their eye on her while we've been together

We hooked up at the end of the summer and had literally no problems atall, perfect relationship, amazing connection, amazing sex, met her parents and stuff. we planned and spent new year together and it was really nice.

Problems appeared at the beginning of this month, she started having doubts and questioning my status as a boyfriend, telling me she's had doubts since xmas... ive been an absolute AFC and let her push me around and dictate the relationship direction ever since.

Anyway we (mainly she) decided yesterday to put us on a break for a while so she could "think about what she wants" and sort some stuff out. I fucked up again, it was obvious i cared and i got pretty angry and then upset. I left and told her to take her time and decide what she wanted... within an hour of me leaving she had text me telling me how sad she was (suggesting she was second guessing things..) I should have ignored it but I fucked up AGAIN and replied and told her to just take some time, once again being AFC and desperate in my opinion - we left things there yesterday.
-- NOTE: i have never begged her to stay with me or anything.... im not THAT bad. --

At this point i think we've basically broken up, though we havent quite said it, i told her to be honest and just tell me if she wanted to end things but she assured me she really just didnt know what she wanted.

She's going away for a year in the summer and i want us to be on good terms when she does (partly in the naive and stupid hope that when she comes back we could maybe try things again, ill be over that by then but whatever, for now it helps) I just feel like she's driving me away and making me resent her by keeping me waiting for a decision (which feels like its already been made). I have no power and cant really decide what to do.

Ive basically narrowed it down to these options:
1. play it cool and give her all the space and time to think about things she needs - wait for her decision, afterall she knows im still interested in making it work. i clearly care more than her.

2. Give her an ultimatum of say sunday and tell her i need to know by then because its not fair of her to keep me waiting on something i feel shes already decided on (nagging doubt of this because of a hope that she might not have and that she'll take me back or better yet ask me to take her back if i give her the time and space she asks for)

3. tell her to go fuck herself for a bit, that i need space to work things out and that the relationship is over, atleast for the forseeable future. This obviously makes me stronger and would give me atleast a feeling of control but im still scared that ill ruin any chance of her wanting me back.

sorry for the long read, any help is really appreciated

el rubia

I would have gone with option 3.

However, there's no need to tell her to fuck off or use any kind of other verbal insults. Simply tell her you agree with her - and that YOU need space to figure things out.

And then cut contact for a while . . . She will start texting you, saying she misses you and so on. When you feel as if you got the control back - see her. Make it seem as if you're about to break up - show no emotions just yet. By the end of your decision making speech (or whatever), you can take her back.

And from then on . . . Don't let your guard down again like you did. Be strong. I don't care how many girlfriends you had and/or will have - when you become AFC in a relationship, you are NOT the person that your girl got to know. You change and that's when she starts doubting everything.

Be the person you initially were when you met her.

_________________
Journal/Blog: journal-little-panda-vt135329.html

make her feel pushed aside: you don't get mad, you just give her a strong feeling that you really dont give a fuck about who she is, and that there's no room in your life for her.

Next time she contacts you, you say:--hey, im kinda busy, i cant talk right now, bye--

Whats worse than contacting someone but being ignored?? having that person answer you.. only to say "i don't want to talk to you"

next day, when she contacts you, tell her again you're busy, but say "i'll call you later tonight"

When the clock strikes 11PM, when the streets are silent, when she's done homework, facebook, calling her friends, when there's nothing else left to distract her, YOU CALL

after a minute, if she hasn't jumped into the main topic (the relationship) then tell her you're tired and you need to sleep...bye... ITS NOT THE MOMENT TO SOCIALISE ABOUT RANDOM SHIT

If she gets into the topic, then listen to what she has to say. after her monologue, say "look, i'm tired right now, but i'll call you tomorrow, we'll meet up and talk about it"

By now, you've reversed the power.

next day, give her a date to meet up, take her out to eat.

By now, you've confused her.

Thanks for the input

@Little Panda
when i said id tell her to fuck off i didnt actually mean id get angry and insult her, i just meant id tell her in no uncertain terms that im through and im ready to walk away.

The only issue is i had my opportunity to do this when we ended it yesterday, i didnt, i was a pussy and got upset. she was crying so i got upset, held her and told her it would be ok. i may have even shed a tear myself..

At the moment we're giving each other the space to do this alone. I told her not to contact me till she'd decided and that i would not contact her until she knew what she wanted.
Will this matter? As in i can blank her for a while, ignore her next texts/calls (if i get one before she decides either way) but seeing as i already told her i would i dont get any value from doing so? I realise my opportunity for this would have been yesterday when she text me the first time but now ive made that error is there anything further i can do? surely If she makes no effort to contact me i can't blank her meaningfully?

@Lucky D
I get the feeling you think i should just ignore her until she contacts me? I do feel the need to do this, and i have stuff planned to live a life without her, i have to get home to see my folks tonight (im at college) and then im going to a party tomorow evening, then before you know it back to college work and stuff after sunday so thats fine but the issue for me is making it known that im doing all this, i guess all i can do really is get on with my life for a while and ignore her.

i like the idea of being busy and reversing the power as you described, if i get the opportunity i feel this is what i will do.

What im thinking of doing at this stage is giving her a few days of "space" so she cant say ive not given her what she's asked for: ill just blank her in this time...
and then at the end of the weekend i can justifiably argue she's had 2 weeks (since she first made doubts known to me and said she had to think things through) and that im done waiting. That im through with it and that unless she can commit then and there to working at making our relationship a success im walking away.
How does this sound?

thanks for all your help so far

giving her 2 weeks, WAITING all sounds too soft for her to really care about giving you a 2nd change.. it wont make her emotional, she'll just say "ok its over then" You need to confuse her, so then she'll think twice before answering you

I think you're seeing this as an equal relationship : WE're giving each other space, WE're not gonna talk to each other... But the truth is that she's thinking I'M getting some space, I'M gonna chitt chatt some other dudes. It's not equal, there's always someone with more power than the other.

You've gone deep down my friend (tears + compassion) for a girl who wants to dump you... the answer is to come back up in ways that her intellect and heart don't not understand!

Start seeing some new girls... ASAP!!

she will never see it coming haha

"El Rubia, seeing another girl except me?? never, he's not that kind of guy"

She thinks you'll be impatiently waiting at home for her to call you. waiting for an answer... BUT when she sees you with another girl, or finds out you're hanging around another girl, it might create enough suprise + jealousy to save the situation!

yes, ignore her untill she contacts you, and when she does. Hit her with words that make her heart twist. This is how you reverse the power

YOU need some space [enough time to hang out with the boys, to upgrade your wardrobe, to meet new chicks

*wardrobe: did u know that women often go shopping when they're seeing other men? they wanna look good for their secret affair. When she sees/ finds out you went shopping, it alone will cause surprise + possibly jealous

ok thanks for the advice

basically whats happened now is this:

i completely cut contact and then lo and behold she text me the night before last and told she was drunk and she missed me. i didnt text back but i feel like i really want to acknowlege it and let her know im thinking of her.. is this a massive afc move? i just cant help but feel this is still salvagable and she needs to think i care in order to give it a chance herself...

any words of wisdom guys?

Heya man I understand this situation 100% I’ve not long split with my Ex about 3 to 4 months I was with her for 2 years it killed me when she said I don’t know what I want anymore I begged for her back total AFC but at the time I didn’t care because I loved her.

Now she’s phoning me at night asking for me back crying saying what a huge mistake it was saying she’d change when I never asked her too. So throughout this whole mess I tried getting her back took me 2 months to get her to want me again help from friends and some awesome people on this. What I did was

1. Delete her facebook, phone number everything so I had no way of contact.
2. Got new hobbies Football, Gym and swimming I just did everything to get my mind off things
3. Then I started Pua again I closed every weekend and my ex kept looking at my facebook she was telling me seeing all these girls comment on it getting her pissed off but at the time I had no idea she could see it since I deleted her.

But the funny thing was when she asked for me back after so long and after me wanting her so much I said no because throughout all of that I met an amazing girl I am now seeing and I’ve done more with her in 2 months then I did with my Ex in 2 years. When people say on this there are 3 billion women on this earth she isn’t that special I didn’t believe until I actually got proven wrong. So what I’m saying if all goes bad with this girl do them steps the big one is meet new people do that and I promise you, you will get over her and maybe get lucky like I did and meet someone better. Hope this helps you somehow!

_________________
The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.

quoted for good comment!

hey Ap

thanks for the message man, i do appreciate it.

this is still ongoing to be honest, she text me a bit yesterday saying how she wanted to work on it and that shes "never had such an amazing time with anyone else" but that she wasnt quite ready to talk and needed a bit more time, we're meeting on wednesday next week (work commitments mean no sooner) She went on to text me that she wishes we could make up before this party we were both going to at the weekend.

im just playing the waiting game while trying not to give away too much.

good signs i think...

but its very reassuring to hear from you guys what i already know, that this isnt the end of the world and good things will come from it no matter what. Im ok with this ending, its just not what i want so i dont feel ready to do it myself yet. Thanks for the advice though everyone, very appreciated!

Yes, this is not easy but there is alot of good info here and you seem to be on the right track. Give it time, dont convey neediness and if she is missing you, you will hear from her.

If she doesn't, don't push it, it will only get worse and you will eventually just get right back to where you are with her.

Although it's a painful loss, it's a learning experience, and you have the mindset that will get you through this fairly quickly...don't close yourself off to her just yet but don't put all your eggs in that basket just yet either...

If with or without her...things will get better, behind that shitty looming black cloud...there is sunshine...just wait for it!

_________________
You can't make the same mistake twice, the second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice.

This really helped me in my situation I'm going through because its so similar.

Good advice guys, tx