Hey guys,

I'll try to keep this as short as I can. I'm about 6 months into a relationship with a gal I've posted about once before. There have been numerous red flags that made me very hesitant in the beginning, but over time we've fallen pretty hard for each other. However, I still have a nagging feeling that I'm setting myself up.

So, the red flags:

--After several dates she disclosed she was 4 months outside of a 3 year relationship, but she said it was over emotionally a year prior. Rebound worry.

--Second date she invited me out "with some friends" who turned out to be one female friend and two dudes, one of which the other girl was supposedly trying to hook up with my gal. We left together pretty quickly, but not before she bitched about the situation and then mentioning how this other dude was messing up her game before I got there while she was talking to some cute guy at the bar. I took this to be not much more than immature game-playing.

--Fourth or fifth date I took her to a pro football game and she spent virtually the entire time chatting with the guy sitting on the other side of her. Granted, I was hung over and not very talkative and the other guy was drunk and chatty (sometimes with both of us), but by the end of the game I felt like a third party with my own date. Chalked this up to me sulking and not engaging her more.

--At one point while hanging out she proceeded to talk about some guy who was a family friend and who she'd known since grade school. She told me she always found herself going back to him, and oh by the way, she was supposed to visit him next summer. I flat out asked her why the hell she was telling me this, and she agreed it was a bad thing to bring up and she was obviously suffering foot in mouth disease. We talked about that incident several times and since then she's assured me she has no romantic feelings towards him and I have nothing to worry about.

--She talked about her exes a good deal, to the extent that I eventually told her I didn't want to hear such stories.

--I've watched her on several occasions check out other guys while we were out. Not just glancing when a good looking guy walked by, but turning her head multiple times to look at them.

--One time we were out and sitting at the bar a guy came up to order a drink on the other side of her and began chatting her up. I didn't mind at first but they were engaged with each other long enough to become uncomfortable, and she literally had her back turned to me to talk to him.

--On Halloween she invited me to a costume party. She dressed up in a sexy outfit and at the party I mingled a great deal and we spent the majority of the night apart. At the end I found her playing pool with two dudes and when I approached her she made a scene about these guys hitting on her while I was nowhere around.

--She told me she cheated on an ex boyfriend several years ago, but it was the only time she'd ever cheated on anybody. However, she alluded to the fact that it was with multiple people, multiple times, and she didn't show any remorse for having done so, saying only that her ex was an asshole.

--On New Year's we were out with some friends and she came back from the restroom telling me some guy just grabbed her ass. My friend even asked her, "Are you trying to get [me] to start a fight?" I tried finding the guy, almost started a fight with the wrong guy, and the end of the night turned out not as planned.

Now, before you ask why the hell I'm still with her, I should note that most of these things occurred early on and we've discussed most of them already. I do sincerely think that she's pretty into me, she's dropped the L word and started talking about the future together, and I can honestly say that when we are together we get along great. I went home with her for Christmas to meet the family and had a great trip. Most of these issues have occurred while we're out and have both been drinking. We've both admitted to game-playing in the beginning because of fearing getting into another bad relationship, etc.

But that said, I still can't quite shake a gut feeling that this will either end badly or I'm ignoring many obvious things. My biggest fear is that I am clearly a rebound, that she's invested more in having a relationship than she is having one with me, and that I'm driving myself crazy doubting my own instincts to rationalize things.

So...I don't know....this is the first girl I've fallen for in quite some time, and after my own string of bad relationships. I know I tend to be neurotic and over-think things by nature, but I also know a lot of these red flags are too big to just be in my head. I'm scared I'm going to sabotage what could potentially be a very good thing, but when I list these things out I also can't help but wonder if I'm being a complete fool.

Any thoughts?

Man I hate to admit it, but I feel she is cheating on you with multiple guys
it would not surprise me if she gets gangbanged on a regular basis

But no seriously my last girlfriend fits the description of your girl too a T, we went out for 5 months, and she was a fucking backhanded cheating manipulative whore, and I to ignored the signs, and I got hurt very badly,I would cry about her everyday for like 2 weeks, and then after that I felt like shit, you see the chick I was with was sneaky as hell, and manipulative, she'd make me feel all was well, why she's behind my back sucking "johnny and davids" dick.....
but seriously dude leave while you can before you get your feelings hurt man, I know its hard, but you gotta do what you gotta do, the signs are directly in your face, and you'd be a fool to stay and ride it out,but its your decision, and good luck man

This sounds as an immature girl who has no clue what a serious relationship (with mutual respect) is all about.

How old is she ?

Looks like she just wants to have fun, without caring too much about you.

I would wait for the next red flag, tell her you don't take it, that she either changes her behavior or you finish.. but you have to be strong.

A person that cheated will always state they were the victim and will most always have an excuse to why it is ok. Cheating is NOT ok...if you are in a relationship, then treat is as such...if he/she is a asshole/bitch...then leave...no one is forcing you to stay.

On to your point, she seems very immature. Honestly, this relationship is doomed. I've been here with before with my ex-wife. Towards the end, it was just like this, I would see the signs but pretended I could manage and I finally blew up. I could not take it anymore.

Look at it this way...how much more of this are you willing to take?
Her ways will not change...it's gone on too long and if you have accepted it before, why should she have to change now. As much as its going to hurt, just let her go, the sooner the better.

If you don't feel like leaving just yet, don't...but be warned, it will only get worse.

Try talking to her, tell her what's on your mind..."Why do you do this?" If she blows it off or out of proportion, well, then you at least tried.

Good Luck bro.

You'll have red flags like these with every girl you ever date, unless she is some boring, safe cowgirl to ride with (and by cowgirl I mean a girl who looks like a cow, not a sexy girl wearing leather chaps and boots).

Let me ask you this: is your girl hot? Is she talkative? Is she witty and charming with a nice smile to boot? Would many guys find her attractive? Isn't this why you found her attractive to begin with?
Or NOT a rebound. So what? Have fun!
2nd date? Bah! So what? Have fun! (Now... on the eighth date? Then worry.)
Duh. Talk to your girlfriend!
Some people talk about their exes, just like some people chew with their mouth open--bad manners, nothing more. So what?
Dude, I'm straight, and sometimes I double-take other guys if they're wearing a cool hat or something. So what?
Go find someone else to talk to, or engage the new guy! "Hey, I'm Camus!" *Big Smile* then have fun!
TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND! Especially if she is lookin' fine in a costume. Have... fun... (BTW that was a hint hint that she wanted you around so that those guys wouldn't have hit on her)
All this shows is that she was too chicken-shit to leave a crappy relationship. Don't let yours get that far down the toilet. Have... fun...
Drunk dudes at New Years' parties will occassionally grab girls' asses. What this has to do with her is beyond me.

Common thread: So what? Have fun!

Maybe you're seeing these things in the wrong light.

_________________
- Lux et Veritas -

WalQer,

I appreciate your viewpoint, and believe me, I would like nothing better than for that to be the case. At least then I'm in control of dealing with my own shit and not necessarily having to scrap the relationship.

I suppose what I really need to do is put everything on the table and just talk to her about all this. I don't know the best way of approaching it without seeming like I'm rehashing or attacking her, but I also don't see how I can continue on with this stuff in my head.

There is no easy way to say it, keeping it in will only consume you.

Tell her you want to go for a walk and just talk...tell her...I've had somethings on my mind that I want to discuss but I don't want to fight...just hear me out so you can understand whats on my mind and then you can tell me whats on yours...take turns discussing it...when she talks, hear her out as well and hopefully you can determine the cause of all this and then move on to bigger and better...of course with her by your side.

If all fails, at least you gave it an attempt...thats better than coming up with your own conclusions...which may (or may not) just be all wrong.

Camus,

I didn't mean to sound glib, and I hope you didn't take it that way. I just know from experience that I lost a girl who was an excellent human being, all because I couldn't see the other perspective.
Once again, cheers to you, cedius. Yes, harboring negative thoughts will cause all sorts of bizarre and unintended moods and reactions, and their consequences. I just wonder if there is some way to avoid the conflict by moving away from the negativity of those thoughts... conscious reinterpretation, if you will.

_________________
- Lux et Veritas -

Hi, guys, You should make some romantic things to move her. such as make a video abour your happy time and good photos, I always do that, it's useful, so I share a good software with your, that is youtube movie maker, it's good to make a youtube video, have a try by yourself, good luck.

break up with her problem solved