Hey everyone,

So I'm new to the forums and relatively new to the PUA community and figured this would be a great place for brothers to tell it like it is.

I've been dating this gal for a few months now and overall we seem to be a great match together. However, she's naturally a bubbly/flirty woman. This didn't bother me much at first as I've seen her like this with dudes I couldn't be jealous of if you paid me to be, but I'm beginning to wonder if she's the type of woman who either needs lots of male attention or if she's testing my reactions, or if I just plain need to man up.

Last weekend she invited me to a Halloween party her coworker was hosting. She dressed up in an extremely sexy outfit, and although I loved the way she looked, a part of me was anticipating the attention she'd likely get at the party. When we got there, I hung by her side for a bit before striking out on my own, introducing myself to several groups of people, etc. I thought this would be a good thing--showing that I didn't need to hang off her hip in new social situations--but it turns out I overdid it. I spent the majority of time outside at a bonfire chatting with people while she was inside dancing and playing pool.

At one point some girl came outside and made some comment about how my girlfriend was a slut (she didn't know we were together). I didn't say or ask her anything, but it made me wonder what was going on inside or if this woman was just being catty about her sexy costume.

Anyway, I finally went inside towards the end of the night and came over to my girlfriend, who was playing pool with the two single dudes (that I knew of) at the party. I walked up to her and she immediately turned to me and said something like, "This guy just hit on me and my boyfriend isn't even around/doesn't care". I don't know if the dude heard her, but I was at a loss of words because I had no idea she was upset with me.

She gave me the silent SPAM the entire way home and when we got back to her place, she told me she didn't think we'd work out. She told me she felt like I'd just dropped her off at the party and made no effort to be with her that night, and that she wanted more attention from a boyfriend and thought that I really just wanted to be friends with her instead of lovers. I wound up sleeping on her couch that night because we'd both been drinking and someone else drove us home. The next morning she made me coffee and went into the whole thing again about why she didn't think we'd work out. I held my ground and didn't say a whole lot and just let her talk, and all of it was about me--that she didn't think I wanted to really be with her, etc. It wasn't until I was about ready to leave that I finally told her I did want more with her and that I knew I kept her at arm's length (partly because the relationship is so new, and partly because everything I've read from the PUA community says to remain something of a mystery and don't show how crazy you really are about her).

When I said this she came over and started kissing me and asked me not to leave. We wound up banging and she apologized for overreacting, but maintained her point about wanting to feel wanted by the person she's with.

So my questions for you all. Clearly I screwed up by giving her TOO much space the night of the party. But how should I have reacted when she lashed out at me in front of the other dude? Do you think this has anything to do with testing me to gauge my responses? How do you balance that line in new relationships between not showing your cards too early but also not driving a woman away?

I dont know man, sounds like a sliperey slope. Sounds like she is an attention whore but could just really like you and wasn't sure how you felt and used this whole "fight" to get a reaction out of you. The thing is that if you become too needy you will driver her a way so its a thin margin you have to work with.

I have dated girls like this and and in my experience it usually ends bad. If you can handle your girl flirting with guys every time you leave to take a piss then you should be fine but if not i would tread softly. Ive learned that i just want to date girls i can trust who arently overly flirty. Good luck

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~Carmo~

I think it's completely fine to go spend time getting to know her colleagues etc and it shows that you have alpha qualities. However, I would still like to be in the same room as my girl friend. Not because I don't trust her but because I went there with her, she's the only reason I'm there. If you spend the whole night outside not talking to her then it's no surprise she got a bit upset.

Next time just remember to give her some attention too. Whenever you go to grab a drink / go inside then go via her and give her a kiss/cuddle, make her feel yours and not a friend. If you're actually in a relationship and not just gaming her then it's completely ok to make her feel wanted. My girlfriend always tells me how she loves being out with me because I let everyone in the room know she's mine by the way I hold her, kiss her etc. You don't need to hide interest when you're already going out. The chase is over!

That being said you reacted well to the criticism. Being non-reactive is good but after she told you she felt like you didn't care I feel like you should've reassured her that you do care but you're not the jealous type because you trust her or w/e, instead of being demoted to the couch because you didn't respond.

Good words, BUT. She only flirted when she thought her b/f left her.

Wouldn't you do the same thing if your g.f took you to a party and just ditched you. Would you just sit there smiling, or start up convo's with HB's while your g.f is "missing in action" ?

To be fair, I can see this from her point of view. Be it attention seeking or fear of rejection, is comming back every 10min for a peck on the cheek or watever too much to ask?

Good points all around. We talked about what happened some more, I got some things off my chest that had been bothering me from my end, she did the same, and we realized we both were being pretty reactionary to each other and what we thought the other was thinking/feeling. I should have noted in the OP that although we've been together now for several months, we hadn't yet "officially" declared ourselves exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend, partially because I, at least, wanted to take things slowly and not reveal my cards too soon.

Hobbit, I absolutely agree with not relying on pua rules in a relationship. Obviously I over-extended myself doing this and got some fallout for it, but it shouldn't be an issue going forward.

Thanks again.

Alright guys, so I need some more advice with the same girl.

As an update, after my last post we "officially" declared ourselves as boyfriend/girlfriend and things were going pretty damn well. Until this past weekend.

I took her out for a night on the town even though it turns out neither of us was really in the mood to go drinking, but I'd just gotten paid and wanted to take her out. We were a little "off" the whole evening, but I chalked that up to both of us being tired. We were sitting together at the bar engaged in our own conversation when some guy came up on the other side of her to order drinks. He said something to her and the two of them began chatting.

Now, the last thing I want to be is that guy who is so insecure/jealous/controlling that he freaks out if his girl so much as talks to another guy. As I said earlier, she's a pretty outgoing, borderline flirty kind of woman and I've tried understanding that's just her personality. So I wasn't upset when the two of them started talking, but I began to get upset when the conversation went beyond a few pleasantries and she literally had her back turned to me to talk to this guy. I don't know how long they talked, but it was long enough for me to get uncomfortable and for the bartender (who I casually know) to start shooting me sympathetic glances.

Later on in the evening we were outside smoking when one of the bouncers, a pretty good looking kid who I also casually know from the bar, came by and chatted with the guy manning the door. I watched my girlfriend check him out--who doesn't do this?--but during the rest of the smoke break she kept turning and looking back over at him. Now I wasn't upset that she was checking out another dude--we all do this--but I didn't like the fact that she kept doing it and made it so obvious.

So here's my problem. I know on one hand all of this sounds like I'm just horribly insecure with this girl and am probably tripping over nothing. But on the other, I feel like I'm trying to be rational about these small things to the point of ignoring potential warning signs. I hate feeling like I'm being "that guy", but I also hate the idea of being that chump who goes out with his girlfriend and seems oblivious to bad behavior while everyone else around him can see it.

So...any advice? Am I just being insecure? Would you be concerned over this stuff?

There comes a time in a relationship where you start to think in the way you're thinking now. Am i thinking TOO much, bugging TOO much. Is it just me? Is it normal?
Usually bro if it starts to take over your every thought, your intuition has kicked in. You have much validity in your worries. I bet if you were to walk down the street with her and blatantly check out an HB10 shed be pretty pissy too. (even if she doesnt outwardly admit it..)
A girl that doesnt include you in her interaction with another dude, who she just met.. (Thats just rude as hell.)
Unless other factors in the relationship state otherwise, this broad doesnt have much respect in her value system.

I say dump the chick. She's clearly not what you're looking for if shes causing you so much stress. Or you can take the other route and talk to her about it. Its early in the relationship. You can turn to NLP, or just become SuperAlpha, but in the end she'll still be the same broad. Find a chick that fights for you. Not vice versa.

Goodluck bro!

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Some girls i meet are quite savage. Always tryingta grab up on my package. They say i look yummy and they want a taste, but im a human not a sandwich.

This is a classic dilemma that I think a lot of guys struggle with. On one hand you don’t want to be a chump that gets walked all over but at the same time don’t want to be insecure and needy.

It seems like this type of stuff really bothers you and from what ive read it doesn’t sound like she is going to change any time soon. What she is doing is not cool at all and you shouldn’t have to deal with it. If she keeps it up I would have an honest talk with her. If she reacts badly then ishe’s probably not worth getting into a ltr with. Its all about trust, you don’t want to be worrying about that type of stuff all the time because it will kill your frame.

This stuff is what killed my last relationship. At first I just blew it off and was like “whatever” but it kept happening. It got to the point that every single time I got up to go to the bathroom or get a drink I would come back to find her talking to some guy or another guy in my seat. If a girl cares about you, she wouldn’t want you to deal with it.

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~Carmo~

ok i might be a bit biased here but i had an ex who was extremely controlling/insecure/paranoid about everything and 'saw' stuff that quite simply didnt happen such as me 'looking back' at someone, and other guys 'giving him pitying looks' like they all knew what was going on, when quite simply nothing was - it truly was all in his head

so first, question what you are 'seeing' - is it reality?

second, are you secure enough in the relationship that you are more bothered about the bartender giving you 'sympathetic glances' than you are about your gf speaking to another human being (who happens to be a man)

what percentage of the evening did she spend devoting it to you? who did she go home with, who does she kiss, who does she give the attention that counts to?

then, can i suggest, when she stops paying you attention, rather than making a big deal out of it, do not let her know that what she does bothers you or that you have even noticed it - do not accuse her of anything - dont say anything to her, instead go and talk to a girl, let her catch you noticing some sexy girl behind the bar, chat to her friend - dont DO anything, just talk and look - see how she reacts - we shouldnt have to play games in a relationship but it might make a gentle point

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James: "Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say."
Helen: "Always look on the bright side of life"?
James: No, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."

Thanks for the responses & advice.

ariana,

I know there's definitely that line between paranoia/insecurity and genuinely disrespectful or rude behavior, and I've discussed with her to some extent that I'm well aware it could all be in my head. The thing is, taking any one instance of it happening I could, and have, easily shrugged it off. But when it keeps happening you begin to wonder if you're ignoring things you shouldn't be.

I guess I should tell the rest of the story....we both snapped at each other that night and I ended up calling it off with her. She was staying at my place because she lives a good 45 minutes away and we'd both been drinking, so she slept on the couch. She woke me up early the next morning demanding to know why I was calling things off with her. I didn't tell her much other than I just didn't think we were a good match for each other, and it took me a good hour or two to finally get her to leave. She came back trying to get me to rethink my decision, but I didn't budge. Since then she's texted me a long explanation that she's falling in love with me and doesn't want to walk away from that and that I just need to trust her and everything will be fine, and that she made mistakes when drunk and it won't happen again.

And honestly that's why I'm so confused about whether to stick around for this or remain firm that we're over. I do think we connect in some pretty amazing ways and truthfully I've been head over heals for her. I didn't mention anything about checking out other men to her, but I did tell her why I was upset about turning her back to me, and I also told her I knew it very well could be in my head. All she said to that was that she couldn't hate on me for the way I felt and that she thinks it's because she's drunk that this happens. Now that confuses me because I don't know exactly what she's saying here....if she is actually flirting or if she's just not aware of how it makes me feel in those situations. I don't really want to drill her about it because if she's not really flirting then I don't want to be harping on it, but at the same time I'm suspicious that alcohol is being used as a defense if she really does mean nothing by it.

So can anybody define flirting actually?

If your girl is talking with another dude, i don't see any problem.

I can't define flirting because it's such a variable.

Reading your first posts, I feel kinda sorry for you, and think you can do better.

Personally, I now like the girl to like me more than I like them, because then I'm in control.

Myself, I would take a chance and pull her up on this disprespect, and see infact whether she wanted you to take control and pull her up on it all along.

It might drive her wild. She seems pretty excitable.

takecontrolbrother.jpg

By feel sorry for me and that I can do better, do you mean that I should be working my game with this girl better or that I can do better than her?

I have a general rule of thumb. If there is any drama early on in a relationship then its a huge red flag so abort the relationship. A lot of people love drama ...sometimes it makes sex more exciting but what do you want? a bang buddy or a relationship? Having to constantly train your gf to respect you is too much work in my opinion and if you have to play silly little mind games then its not worth it.

It's interesting that after spending some time together, people in relationships most often complain about the very reason why they were so attracted to his/her partner in the first place. You probably loved that your girlfriend was flirty and socially outgoing when you first met her.

You're asking us if you acted correctly and you're asking us if her behavior is acceptable but aren't you the only person who can answer these questions? Honestly, you seem indifferent about your own feelings, seeking instead to go with the majority vote here.

Look, if you feel uncomfortable with her behavior, how can anybody here tell you otherwise? Others can offer rationalizations but no matter what, your instinctive emotions will be triggered EVERY TIME she plays her act. There is nothing right or wrong about this . . . it's just as natural to you as if you cut your finger and you let out a little yelp.

One thing for SURE: This girl cannot and will not change. She needs the drama and she needs to feel that all the guys around her are into her. This alone seems to make you feel uncomfortable enough . . . but . . . as a self admitted schmuck, I can also tell you that girls with NEEDS are pretty easy to exploit. Think of an alcoholic who NEEDS a fix and you're holding a bottle of bourbon. This is hardly fair. Add to that her tendency to over drink and . . . well, I can guarantee that you'll see a lot more drama.

If you're OK with how all of this adds up, go with it. If not, make a clean break. Don't worry about stereotype PU labels and don't worry about her. Believe me, she'll find another guy within a few days and put him through the same test.

@ Ariana . . . very cute. You gotta love the spirit of a woman who thinks she can change the behavior of others through 'gentle points'. Your kids are going to be awesome . . .