I've been dating this girl for almost four months now. Things between us were always really good until very recently. She seems like she is becoming more and more standoff-ish. I can't say that it's because we see each other too much because we really don't. I only see her twice a week for a couple of hours each time.
Two weeks ago we made plans with her cousin and her cousin's boyfriend to go to the city which is about two hours away from where we live. When we planned it we were both excited and couldn't wait for the day to come. Well, today is that day and she decided to flake on me. We were supposed to meet somewhere half way from here to the city where we are visiting since she visited her friend at a town that is about an hour from here. Here is the text messaging convo and how I handled it. .

GF: Hey I talked to my cousin and she said that her boyfriend has a lot to study for a test on Monday... so they can't do it anymore
(When I got the text it was Saturday at 6 o'clock. I don't think it's her cousin's boyfriend that can't go. I actually believe she didn't want to go and made up an excuse for it.)

ME: That sucks... Do you want just us to go instead??
(Asking her this will pretty much tell me how she feels about going. If she is still excited to go and be with me, she will say yes.)

GF: Yeah I know but my cousin had the same class before and the tests are really hard so he needs to study a lot... but it's fine I don't want to make you drive all the way out to meet me and we'll have to drive apart.
(This confirms what I believed to begin with. . )

ME: That wouldn't be a problem. I can drive. . I really wanted to go, one of my good friends will be there too. What do you think??
(So I lied about meeting a friend there. I said that just to let her know that I have a life too and that she isn't the only reason why I wanted to go.)

GF: Umm I don't know... My friend wants to do stuff tomorrow since I didn't get here until later... what time did you want to go??
(Again, this makes me think that she was the one who didn't want to go and not her cousin's boyfriend)

ME: Babe, it's fine! You don't have to come if you can't. I was planning on meeting my friend around 4 tomorrow.. I can go alone. I just thought it would be nice if you came also.. But don't worry about it then. Have fun and say hi to your friend for me!

I am really disappointed and upset, but I didn't want to show it in my responses. I contacted all my friends who live in that city and I am going to meet up with two of them for coffee today. So I decided to still go even though I don't really have a reason to.
Let me know how I handled her flaking on me. Also, how common is this?? I didn't think that flaking is common when in a relationship.

flaking isnt common when in a relationship esp for 4 months, somethings fishy

flaking is almost always a red flag

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"advance until resistance is met"
- Julius Caesar, Rome

Hm. . . Seems like your girlfriend actually has a life outside your relationship. That's unacceptable, dump her right away!

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Journal/Blog: journal-little-panda-vt135329.html

btw he is being sarcastic ...

Its not so bad.. you should just have asked her, listen if you dont wanna go, just say it right away.. its okay if she flakes, but she just gotta be honest.. So you should have told her that you got the feeling that she is trying to make up excuses.. just confront her with it right away.. instead of going around with this feeling for days, and talk to us about it.. But now its too late to talk with her about it anyways, you'll end up being a dramaqueen.. just remember it for next time

PS: It is fishy though that she is not being honest.. remember, you want an honest girl in a relationship! and you should be an honest M-A-N.. even after 4 months..

this happened before, she always seems to put her friends before me. I hope I am not overreacting to things, but I feel like there is a lack of communication between me and her. I used to call or text her just to see how she is doing if we are not hanging out together, and then I stopped doing it because she never does it. She would never call or text first and I feel like I shouldn't either just because she makes me think that she doesn't want to talk/text with me.
Every time we do something is because I initiate it and not because she does. If I left it up to her, she would never make any plans to be with me.

Ohh and by the way, she hasn't texted or called since that last message and I have a feeling she won't. My mind tells me that she is the one who ruined the plans and now she should be the one to try to plan something else we can do together. But knowing her, she probably will not. Should I try to say something like "Hey let's go get some ice cream" or something like that?? If I don't text her, she will know that something is wrong and she will think that I am upset over her ruining our previous plans. I need some insight on this. .

I can't say I've been on this side of the coin before but I've definitely been the other side (flakey) and it's because I wasn't that bothered with whether I saw her or not.

I would suggest just not contacting her for a while and see how long it takes for her to get back in touch. This will give you an indication of how bothered she is about seeing you. My ex did this to me all the time then caved and phoned me first telling me she was waiting for me to call - Don't do that. It's needy and while it makes you feel good it's for the wrong reason. I felt good because she was so in love me not because I loved her back.

Then I'd suggest you talk to her about it. You're in a relationship and you're supposed to share your feelings, not try and retain your "alpha" frame all the time. Ask her why she doesn't contact you first and that you feel like she isn't putting enough effort into the relationship (which she isn't by the sounds of it). If she cares enough about you she will start making the effort.

Ok, in all seriousness though: You said you're always the one making plans and asking her to hang out with you. Well guess what, that is exactly what the problem is. You're being too available for her.

And to answer your ice-cream question: No. Don't do it. You've been doing it so much that she started flaking on you, so now leave it to her (turn the tables). Quit being so available all the time and quit fearing that she won't ever ask you to hang out.

Even if she never contacts you - she will quit wasting your time in a cold relationship and you will either try fixing it, or break it off. Point is, you will get to that situation sooner or later. This way, you'll get there sooner than later.

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Journal/Blog: journal-little-panda-vt135329.html

Little Panda, I see what you are saying, but I don't think I make myself too available. I definitely don't think I am needy in any way. I just thought that in a relationship it shouldn't be only up to the guy to always try to hang out. I feel like after the first date and initial contact, it should be fair game, especially after 4 months.
So my plan is to still go ahead and see if she wants to do something tonight. And if she doesn't or makes up excuses I will tell her to let me know when she can hang out. That way I showed her that I am not upset, and that I still wanted to hang out with her and by doing it, I put the ball in her court. If she doesn't get back with me in a few days then I will just end it. I don't need this distraction in my life.

Read those two and still claim that you are not being too available.
So? I don't see why you are hiding this from her. If you want to do something right, here's an idea: Actually tell her what's bothering you and why. Come to an agreement/conclusion with her about this.

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Journal/Blog: journal-little-panda-vt135329.html

I did those things once or twice a week, not everyday. If I had done it everyday then I would agree with you. I am just saying that it is normal for two people who are in a relationship to call/text each other at least once or twice per week, at least in my opinion. I didn't overdo it. When I realized she never did the same, I stopped doing it also. But then again, I am becoming to care less about the whole thing. If she wants to be with me, she should make some effort to do so.

Going by the info you gave the cold, hard truth is that you are being too available and needy. Maybe it doesn't seem like it to you but remember one thing.

"The person who loves the least controls the relationship."

If you are making yourself more available than she is making herself then you are being too available (And therefore, in her mind, needy).

This is the way a fuckbuddy or a girl you just met might act. This is def not the way a gf of 4 months should act.

Bottom line is you need to show less interest than she does. If she really wants the relationship to work she'll change. If not, then it wasn't worth it anyway and you would then be available to find a good girl who's actually worth your time.

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"Dream as if you'll live forever... live as if you'll die today." - James Dean

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery... None but ourselves can free our minds. - Bob Marley

Which is exactly why you shouldn't ask her to hang out... again. You're clearly upset over how the relationship has been progressing, and now you want to ask her to get ice cream with you? You keep telling her everything's fine when it's not.

It's gonna end pretty badly if the lack of communication continues along this path.

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Journal/Blog: journal-little-panda-vt135329.html