| Did You Know?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why
some people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery
raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of
living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then
things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a
50-50 chance of getting something right, there's
a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in
the world end to end, someone would be stupid
enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of
humour.
You can't have everything, where would
you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people
make up 75% of the world's population
Medical Terminology
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN
Artery - The study of fine paintings.
Barium - What you do when CPR fails.
Cesarean Section - A district in Rome.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
Congenital - Friendly.
Dilate - To live long.
Fester - Quicker.
G.I. Series - Baseball games between teams of
soldiers.
Grippe - A suitcase.
Hangnail - A coat hook.
Medical Staff - A doctors’ cane.
Minor Operation - Coal digging.
Morbid - A higher offer.
Nitrate - Lower than the day rate.
Node - Was aware of.
Organic - Musical
Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
Post-operative - A letter carrier.
Protein - In favour of young people.
Secretion - Hiding anything.
Serology - Study of English Knighthood.
Tablet - A small table.
Tumour - An extra pair.
Urine - Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires
10. “Safer than a Russian sub.”
9. “The perfect gift for your mother-in-law.”
8. “Because there’s a lot riding on your lawsuit.”
7. “Better than driving around on your axles,
right?”
6. “Pop a set on your car today.”
5. “C’mon, did you really expect good tires on a
new Ford?”
4. “Reinforcing the importance of the 25 mph
speed limit.”
3. “Hey, it’s not like we crashed our blimp or
something.”
2. “Best Blow Job In Town’
1. “You can’t recall a better tire.”
HILLBILLY MEDICINE.
Benign.....................What you be after you be
eight.
Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....................What doctors do when
patients die.
Cesarean Section...........A neighborhood in
Rome.
Catscan....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize..................Made eye contact with her.
Colic......................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C........................Where Washington is.
Dilate.....................To live long.
Enema......................Not a friend.
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.....................A small lie.
G.I.Series.................World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail...................What you hang your coat
on.
Impotent...................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..............A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid.....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it.
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.....................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.....................Damn near killed him.
Secretion..................Hiding something
Seizure....................Roman emperor.
Tablet.....................A small table.
Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor......................More than one.
Urine......................Opposite of mine.
Varicose...................Near by/close by.
SIGNS
On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove
your shorts.”
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best
place in town to take a leak.”
In a Non-smoking area: “If we see you
smoking we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action.”
On Maternity Room door: “Push, Push,
Push.”
At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t
see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the
right place.”
At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get
back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment
necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need innexperienced
people.”
At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the
next dents?”
In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your
pants here.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back
in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”
At the Electric Company: “We would be
delighted if you send in your bill. However, if
you don’t, you will be.”
On the side of a Garbage Truck: “We’ve
got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”
On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for
a quick byte.”
In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there
and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”
Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet.
We need to hear a pin drop.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive
carefully, we’ll wait
_________________
Lets get together, make some bad decisions.
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