| note, I never give up. I want her back, it's that simple. So any advice that I lost her forever and I should find someone new won't be heeded.
So here is the shortened version of the facts, with my personal commentary on why certain actions were mistakes on my part. I analyzed the course of events for a long time, so hopefully you all can learn from my mistakes. WARNING, THIS POST IS STILL LONG.
We are mid 20s, and graduate students. We decided to remain in a relationship over summer. Half way through, she was acting strange and distant, so I broke up with her to protect myself, as I was very attached. I think she was surprised but she didn't show any emotion. She said it was best and she would use the time to work on herself. At this point, I couldn't tell if that was a front or if she had also been thinking something in the relationship wasn't right and had wanted it to end.
After the break up, we still talked on the phone often, and at the time it was still obvious we cared about each other. She told me she had some personality flaws she wanted to work on. I inquired and promised I wouldn't judge. When she shared one with me, I got frustrated, judged her, and tried to give her advice on how to fix it. This was a mistake. If I promised I wouldn't judge if she shared, then I shouldn't judge. I believe that I lost a lot of trust in that moment. That was a huge mistake.
Later, she sent me an e-mail forwarding a link about how woman get paid less in the work force. I replied that the study had many flaws and the results were thus exaggerated. The result was a heated debate, with insults finally being thrown back and forth. Feminist topics like that were a point of dispute in the past, and she believed that many of my opinions were chauvinist. I should have ignored the e-mail or sent a joke response. Now, normally I don't mind fighting a topic like this out, I have to hold my ground and she respects that. But our relationship was in a precarious place, and I should have acknowledged the big picture and let my ego go on this one. I let a fight happen and didn't need to happen.
The day she flew back into town was her birthday. The only conversation we had after the e-mail debate was that I would pick her up. The conversation occurred two weeks before the flight. I had planned a surprise birthday party with her friends. But when I went to pick her up from the airport, we somehow missed each other. She took a taxi home. I called her to ask her where she was and she told me she was in the taxi. I figured she had avoided me at the airport, I got pissed off, and I hung up. I then sent her a text of where the party was and told her she should show up since her friends would be there (it was my responsibility to get her there). This was a huge mistake. First, she was tired and grumpy from a long flight. Second, it was her birthday. It was her day. I should have acted confused - which I was- and told her I would love to stop by her place and give her her birthday present, then took her to the party. Instead, I did all the work planning the party, had none of the fun, and she was now at a party with our mutual friends ready to bash me (since they would all wonder why I wasn't there since I planned the whole thing). AFC.
She had stored a lot of her stuff at my apartment. So later on the birthday night, she calls me up to see if she can get her pillow and blankets. I told her I wouldn't be there and she should coordinate with my roommate. Then, I felt bad, called her back and told her I would be there and I wanted to wish her a happy b-day. AFC. When she stopped by she was pissed off and drunk. She completely ignored by gift, got her stuff and took off.
I kind of sorted things out with her, and a couple days later I called her to get a cup of coffee. She wanted to go for a run first. She called me two and a half hours later. She apologized for being so slow and asked if I was ready. She was in a good mood. I was frustrated it took her so long, and assumed she was jerking me around and told her I didn't want to go anymore. She played it off like it was no big deal, but I could tell she was disappointed and mad. This was a huge mistake on my part. I believe that this was the start of where she associated me with unhappiness. She called in a good mood and I killed it. Given our recent problems, this was a big long-term fuck up.
Then, another AFC move on my part. I felt bad, called her back to change my mind but got her voicemail. She called me back later, and agreed to get coffee. But when I went to pick her up from school, she had changed her mind. Then I sent some texts begging her to come outside and talk me. AFC. She denied my request.
She still had stuff at my apartment. I pushed her to get it out. At a certain point, I just drove the last two pieces of furniture to her apartment and left it outside. I should have been patient. While she had stuff at my house, there were ties between us. We had a reason to talk and see each other. If you want someone back, don't kill sure-fire ways to connect with them.
A couple days later I dropped by her place and told her I was still in love with her. It was too quick. She said she didn't want to talk about it, but I pushed the conversation on her because I needed closure. I tried to initiate some physical contact, but she was resistant, and I pushed her away further. I dug myself in a huge hole there. AFC to the max, plus bad timing. During the conversation I pried into why she felt hatred towards me. This was an enormous mistake. I was basically asking her to bring all the stuff that bothered her to the surface. What I needed to do was be pleasant, and get her out and show her the qualities that made her like me in the first place.
It seemed like every encounter since the breakup was a poor one. I believe that she now associates me with problems and frustration and general unhappiness.
So, this big question. Where do I go from here. Here are a couple of relevant facts. I have a knack for getting people to forgive me, though I've never fought a battle like this before. Also, I believe she still has feelings for me. She posted all this stuff on her facebook wall that was clearly meant to make me jealous and show that she was out having fun and moving on. One of them was about how she was out running and she saw some super hot guy. She's not the type to post stuff ike that. But as soon as I unfriended her, those posts stopped.
I haven't contacted her in two weeks. how long should I wait to make contact, or should I wait for her to make contact. The only problem with waiting for her is that she is bull-headed and also shy. She may not ever make the first move even if she wants to. If I do make contact, how should I do it? I assume a phone call is the best way. Should I ask her to get coffee with me, just talk, or ask her out for a drink. How far should I push it?
Thanks for reading.
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CHAT
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