I dated this girl for 3 years, she was my first love, etc. We broke up in Nov 2009 and I became introduced to this site, went out a lot, slept with a few girls and was doing great. After 2 months of this, I meet a girl and really hit it off and we have been exclusively dating since. The relationship is great, shes an amazing girl.

I have a deep seeded issue however. My first gf was living a very secret life that become apparent at the end of our relationship. I found out that she was talking to multiple other guys behind my back via texts and calls, lying about where she was at nights, etc (I am not sure if she cheated on me but probably did).

Since then, I haven't been able to get it out of my mind that my current gf is doing the same. It was fine at the start of the relationship where the feelings weren't as strong, but it has been growing on me. She will randomly get a text at night from guys she's dated previously, and i get worried she is talking to someone behind my back. Today for instance, she got a text from her ex asking her help on a math problem and I flipped out. When I look at it later I realize that I shouldn't act that way, but in the moment I can't control it.

Deep down I feel that I trust her, but I can't get my ex's secret life out of my head. I know the basis of this is a general lack of self confidence but I can't get control of it.

Any advice? I know that if I don't change I won't be able to be with this girl, and its very unhealthy for me to be so insecure. Also, I hope this is the right forum for this.

I have the same problem mate.

Listen, this is very difficult to do; but you've just got to ignore it.

Stop thinking about it altogether, just go with the relationship and let her talk to who she wants to talk to.

The way you've got to look at it is;

1. If shes talking to other males, but she's in your bed every night, who do you think she's wanting to be with more intimately?
2. If you start harassing her regarding the people she talks to, she'll feel the lack of trust and most likely drift away from you, leaving the door for her to meet other guys open a lot wider than before
3. If she is cheating on you; she's an absolute bitch and doesn't deserve your time and effort anyway.

Just go with the flow, remember everything happens for a reason, and if you end up finding out the hard way (which I don't think you will because all your doing is catergorizing her in the same area as your ex who hurt you) then it's just another one of life's learning curves that you need to take on the chin. But i don't think thats the case to be honest.

You need any more help; you know where I am.

Peace,

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Pickup Truck

"If it can be dreamed, it can be done"

Deep breath...and out.

Ok man. I know just how much it SUCKS to think of your first love in the arms of another man. My HS sweetheart and I dated for four years before we decided to break it off. A year later she met some guy in college who made more money than I did, drove a nicer car than I did, and had a 12 inch dick (at least that's how big he was in my nightmares). A year after that they were married and still are to this day. I understand that sinking feeling completely.

However, whereas you seem to have reverted back to protective relationship mode I detached with my next serious GF. The result was that even though there was more tension she couldn't tear herself away from me because I was NOT protective. She would tell me about guys that were chasing her and bugging her and I would just go "great."

Look, why are you so worried about losing this girl? What would be the worst thing that could happen if she did, in fact, cheat on you and walk out the door? Do you love her? Does she love you? If the answers to those last two questions are yes then dont sweat her talking to ex BFs. If you get protective it makes you look needy and she will run. If you play it cool and just tell her to do whatever then it makes you look secure. She may, in fact, be doing it just to test you.

I will catch some flack for this for sure but if she does cheat on you then she is not worth your time. If she does cheat on you then she is doing you a favor by ridding you of herself. That's the way I look at it.

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Anything that I say is said without malice.

forgive me for my ignorance, but the funny thing about confidence is that it is not like neurons, once destroyed cannot be reproduced..

practice and act on becoming more confident..

Ah well, trust and temperament cannot be generalized. That one was different, this one is different. I believe not only is insecurity a factor behind such a behavior but so is the lack of trust. Until and unless it's apparent to you in some way or the other, I'd suggest you ignore it.

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Women are plenty, time is not.

Its a self fufilling pfoficy man. If you think they are going to cheat, you will start acting in a way that will drive them to. Its the tight rope walk of the century. Its hard not to take the baggage from past relationship and go into a new one with a blank slate. I just ended it with my girl because i couldn't trust her. There were a lot of red flags that came up that bothered me until i was acting in such a way that it made her want to end it. I did so first (hah) but still the result was the same.

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~Carmo~

This guy speaks the truth, You gotta chill.. you cant get all upset over what could be.. just let them do what they will do.. they will surface themselves as to what they really are soon enough.

you cant win them all. some will fucck you around some will not... the key is to not take it too seriously until it actually is serious.